#I just wish there was a gender appropriate version so it would hit twice as hard

[hoodie-prince-kid]

Why is there not a male equivalent to "little lady"

[gendertrader]

Physical

279 lbs / 5’9” / 24 / Spiro: 1/1/19 | E: TBD

All right, y’all. I know I’ve been away for some time now, but there haven’t really been many changes to report. Until now.

I’ve set a date. Well, an approximate date, but a date nonetheless. My birthday is coming up (February 10) and I figured now is as good a time as ever. I’ve been on Spiro for a year now and I’ve been happy with all the changes. Of course, there have been mental issues arise since I’ve started, but I like to think of it as unlocking a new level – it’s harder because I’m further in the journey. I originally looked into going to a Planned Parenthood (because they’re informed consent and offer payment options for those without insurance) but there aren’t any near me that offer HRT, merely service referrals. Now I’m shopping around but still plan on setting the appointment for early February. Anyway, let’s get into the data.

Skin

N/A

Hair (body/head)

My hair is a little softer and a little easier to tame than it used to be. Of course, I’m working to improve my haircare routine, but it’s been visibly less crazy even on days when I use the same routine as previous years. It’s not quite as full, but I think that’s due to the hair-loss I experienced a couple weeks ago. I also recently cut my hair (from a lob to a bob) and even though it’s shorter than I wanted, it’s still a cute cut and has gotten me “ma’am”ed a couple times so I’m not unhappy.

My body hair has been growing a little slower for sure, but since I’m on biotin, some of it is growing at regular speeds but is easier to maintain. Chest and armpit hair has been growing slower for sure. I don’t believe anything has gotten thinner or finer, though.

Face

Not much cheekbone growth since my previous mention. I wish there were more, which I guess is why I will be (hopefully?!?) starting E soon.

I finally got my eyebrows thin enough for the look I’m going for! There’s still a little trimming to be done, but I think I finally found what I’ve been looking for.

I experienced a slight increase in facial acne around the chin and forehead, but I imagine this is normal.

Body

Not much here, either. I’ve seen very minor breast growth, but still in a gynecomastia kind of way, and not a breasts kind of way. Which is fine. But I’m starting to doubt (surprise surprise asksdkgskd) my decision in an “I’m just using gender dysphoria as a cover for my desire to be thin” way, which is problematic but a very real worry I’m having. I keep telling myself that I’m actually happier with my fatter body because it feels closer to my desired shape, but there’s no denying that the idealized version of myself that I’m trying to build is thinner, and I’m not sure that I’m appropriately disassociating weight and happiness from transness. Am I falsely assuming that transitioning will help with my weight problems and happiness problems inherently, or do I believe that transitioning will increase my happiness, which will in turn affect my compulsive need to overeat to substitute for the organic happiness I’m not receiving, which will result in my being thinner? Who knows! It is kind of helpful to get it all typed out (thanks for the help lmao) but still doesn’t clarify anything. I’ll have to wait and see.

Ummmmm I’ve been literally so horny recently. Like wtf horny. Like masturbate twice a day as opposed to once a week horny. I guess it’s fine, it just makes me concerned that my Spiro isn’t as strong as it used to be, or that there’s a ‘spillover’ (if you will) of T since Spiro blocks the reception but not the production. I’d like to speak with an endo sometime after I start E to discuss switching to something safer (like bicalutamide or cypro).

I noticed a distinct scent change probably like two or three months ago, I’m not sure if I’ve recorded that, but my shower schedule has had to change because it’s more difficult to hide if I’ve not cleaned in a week. Good for depression or something.

Mental/Emotional

Depression: Definitely getting worse. It could be the SAD or that I’m changing jobs or that I’m hitting a new trans milestone that’s got me all fucked up, but I’m tired of it. I was told that there’s a free clinic near me that would prescribe meds, and I’m seriously considering it. I’m not sure if I want to go before or after my E appointment but I imagine executive dysfunction will cause it to be after. Speaking of which...

I’m p sure I have ADHD: inattentive. Like symptoms and coping mechanisms are lining up interestingly close to those with diagnosed ADHD and some other things are clicking into place. I’m not sure if this means anything, but thoughts are happening for sure.

Anxiety: Not as bad, though I switched the weed strain I’ve been smoking last month, so that could be playing in. I’m definitely smoking more (or for different reasons?) than I used to so I’m trying to keep an eye on that, make sure that I’m not withdrawing too much. This world is a shithole and I sometimes despise being forced to exist here, but it’s the only one we got.

I keep catching myself nervous beyond belief to actually start E, despite having wanted this since high school. I know this is a normal reaction with many valid points, but I can’t help but worry that mine are one of the few that are unfounded (#narcissism). I’m going to have to detransition because I was experiencing mental traumas that made existing as a woman-aligned person easier that confronting my relationship with masculinity and my body. In reality, I think my grasp on masculinity and its role in my personality will become clearer with HRT and I will have an easier time displaying it when “masculine” is no longer the default seen by the people around me.

Finally, I wish to share this with the parents. I think. Probably.

I know I want to share the decision to start E with my Facebook friends, as they’ll likely realize something is up via my posts and pictures, but I can’t do that until I’ve explained this to my family, which will be...interesting. I’ll have to prepare some resources for understanding nonbinary identities and answers to all those pesky questions nobody wants to have to answer, and I’m sure it’ll be a while before they get it, but...this coming out will be different from my first. I guess mainly because I’ve mostly socially transitioned at this point so few people should be surprised, but also because I have more power in how I decide to exist and am a stronger person now who has weathered this before. I think this is where some of my anxieties stem, that I’ve forgotten how to be that person, but I’m working on remembering that I’m stronger than I think, and that I’ve been through much worse.