#I learned in my feelings homework that one of my values/priorities is ‘obtain recognition and status’
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#it’s all math.#every thing- trying so hard to balance back to zero#sometimes I feel like I can see how it all works#how it all fits#but then I avoid it all#I don’t want to lose my stability#I made a promise in Edinburgh that I would not be the first to dip. ever. always trying to hold on for one last taste#now I don’t know what that looks like#it doesn’t have to be like *that*#but it has to be something#I learned in my feelings homework that one of my values/priorities is ‘obtain recognition and status’#which can fall under ‘become powerful and able to influence other’#that brings me so much shame: the arrogance; the audacity; the dark bad thing that hurts people#and so- I cut myself off#I deny all the people who love me- it’s overwhelming#cause it overwhelms but how lucky am I that people need me with them#I need to be a root- that which supports so much and is the core of it all- but doesn’t have to be above grown#‘you can grow up there- I’ll help from down here#but you can’t let yourself get too buried- too cut off from the light#Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way-ass ramblings#gotta act opposite to shame somewhere- why no tumblr dot com
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