#I may delete this though bcs I don't have her permission to post these

[mtvunplugged1996]

Illustrations by Sophie Margolin for Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre.

[traumatizedsuggestion]

pt1 of v i think i've been abused. sometimes i'm pretty sure but other times i'm just like nope, and lately it's been a lot of nope because i asked my girlfriend who's been abused about it and she said that she doubts anything happened to me because she remember everything about what happened to her and it doesn't seem likely that i could just forget. could this be all it is? i feel like maybe because there's so much that i don't remember and that doesn't make sense.

pt2 of v i don’t remember who he is or where i was i just have memories of things he said and made me do and smells and sounds and stuff i feel like maybe my brain is making it all up as an excuse for how disgusting my brain is or something, but i’m confused because there’s so much i remember and it all feels so real i just don’t understand they’re memories theyre like memories just incomplete i don’t know how to explain it i don’t even remember how old i was

pt3 of v i guess you can tell from this but i’m really unsure what to think. i go back and forth telling myself it wasn’t real, it was real, and i don’t know what to do. for a while i didn’t think it could happen because i thought my parents never left me with strangers or anything but apparently they did? my mom told me i did childcare stuff and they’ve let neighbors watch me and i blocked all that out? that must mean something, right? i don’t know what to think

pt 4 of v ( i might have skipped pt3 idk ) it could be relatives too is what scares me. or it could be nothing. i don’t know i don’t know on one hand i feel like im overreacting but on the other hand, im not even high functioning? i’ve showed signs of sexual abuse since i was a kid i think but no one ever noticed or said anything to me so i’m wondering if they were really signs or just normal things? i don’t know

pt 5 of v i remember things he said so vividly. i remember feelings and smells and how much everything hurt and it comes back all the time, i have panic attacks when people touch me ( sometimes they’re more subtle, sometimes they’re obvious depends on who ) because it makes me feel like i’m back there with him and certain sex stuff grosses me out like blowjobs and saying daddy and sweetheart and stuff because those are things i remember i don’t know what i’m asking im sorry

pt 6 of v i guess i just want to know if you think im valid? i always feel like i’m hijacking stuff now because i don’t know if it actually happened or all that happened, i just feel like it did but im missing so much memory that has to be for a reason right? my girlfriend thinks it’s offensive for me to post things about csa because i’m not a real victim and i know i should listen because she is but i just don’t understand any of this i have all these memories and they effect everything

part 6 of v i guess i just want to know if you think im valid i always feel like im hijacking stuff bc i don’t know if it really happened or all that happened i just have these memories but im missing so much my gf thinks it’s offensive for me to classify myself as an abuse survivor this might be a repeat but tumblr said parts 6,7, & 8 didn’t send so i’m redoing them idk sorry i want to get help but i’m a minor so i cant without parental permission & they would never believe me and itd be hell

part 7 of v they touch every aspect of my life so how can they be fake? i don’t understand. i want to tell my parents so i can get help but i don’t think i can. i don’t think anyone would believe me, i don’t even believe me and if they did they would change their minds once they knew i didn’t remember everything and they’re horrible when they talk about survivors of assault there’s just nothing there’s no help and i want to talk about it i need to but i can’t

part 8 of v/end i cant get help for anything my mental health has been terrible but im 15& i dont have great parents so i can’t do therapy or medication or anything i cant talk to a counselor because they tell about suspected abuse&suicidal idealization and thats all i have in me. all i can think about is him touching me and making the pain go away. i’m sorry for how long this was it’s okay if you don’t want to answer&im sorry if this is offensive since you’re a survivor i didn’t mean it to be

pt ?? of v idk i just want to know if i sound valid i guess i ended with parts 6,7& 8 but tumblr deleted them imsorry

i really think your memories are valid. i’m not a professional, though, so take what i say with a grain of salt. it sounds like you’ve just repressed memories, and i think it’s valid because my memory of the first time i was raped is very similar; i only know who it was because i remember the day it happened and I have been told who I was with that day. as far as what your girlfriend said about how she doesnt think you’ve been abused because she remembers her abuse and you don’t, that’s a load of crap. every survivor experiences the aftereffects differently. you may never remember what happened to you, but i would strongly recommend seeking professional help to see if you can figure it out with assistance. i know that seems impossible for you right now because of your situation but in my experience counselors haven’t told about abuse when i’ve confided in them, and maybe if you tell your parents that you’re really worried they’ll get you some help. i’m not sure. good luck, and i hope things get better