#I may need to write more shortish fics set during the amnesia arc

[bbcphile]

⭐ for the fic ask game, specifically for What's Sealed Away?

Thanks for the ask, @evolutionsbedingt! (and thanks to @fealiniel for messaging me the same ask!)

(Check out the ask meme here: the ⭐ is “what was the scene you most wanted to write in [fic]? what was the hardest scene to write?”)

The scene I most wanted to write in "What’s Sealed Away" was also the scene that gave me the idea for the entire fic: when a-Fei is inspecting himself and his martial arts and discovers the mind control bug in his neck.

I’ve had amnesia before so I was really invested in exploring the different types of memory (instinct, muscle memory, knowing facts without knowing how you know them, etc) and how having amnesia doesn’t mean all of them are gone, and how they can interact and sometimes contradict each other—and also how amnesia doesn’t usually magically get rid of PTSD—so I knew I wanted him to write him struggling with all of that and the lack of control inherent in the experience (because I strongly believe that keeping himself tightly controlled at all times is one of his defense mechanisms). Basically the whole scene from the opening until he collapses from trying to remove the mind control bug popped into my head fully formed, and I’m still pretty proud of how it turned out. (Once I had written that and was coming up with the rest of the fic, I was most excited about writing the moment when LLH sees DFS’ scar, and a-Fei’s attempt to make sense of his response.)

The parts that were hardest to write were the two bits where LLH was arguing with a-Fei about the dangers of his trying to remember: I had to spend some time rewatching the amnesia episodes, writing down what words and memories do and don’t cause pain, based on what he says in response, on his body language, and on when he’s zoning out, and then from that come up with a unified theory about what does and doesn’t trigger wuxin huai (and some work arounds that could explain some of LLH's actions towards a-Fei during the amnesia arc). Once I had that sorted, I then struggled to come up with what exactly LLH would be willing to say given 1. his compulsive lying and 2. that he has figured out a-Fei remembering things triggers the wuxin huai but not what the limits of that are, and he doesn’t want to accidentally hurt him. It took a few different drafts to come up with something that was withholding enough to sound like LLH but that would still give away enough that the conversation would go where I needed it to go for the plot and the emotional intimacy I had planned (eg. A-Fei triggering the wuxin huai by trying to remember, and then the panic attack later).

Thanks again for the ask! <3