#I really shouldnt tell anybody work stories huh

[themeed]

damn allowed myself to want things for a day and all i want is a van to live in, knowledge, freedom, weight loss, and a bass guitar.

im. happy with that i think. im proud of me, no jokes. im proud of being able to want things and care about them and vibrate towards them with longing. im... pleased with that. its fulfilling in a way Not Wanting For Anything isnt, because thats... kinda hollow. empty. in a vacant, lonely, yearning and grieving and SAD way. maybe because i Couldnt Want then. i Couldnt Desire or it would be used against me or taken away. that sucks. that sucked.

and now. im free to want again. and comparatively???? i think im very much never going to aim for buddhism or that weird Not Desiring Not Attached Nirvana mindset. like good for u but been there out of trauma and its not fun theres no reason to truly Live. u just float endlessly and experience and it aches so badly!!!! it hurts to want to want and not be able to. and i guess that is different from not wanting at all but... its not different enough for me to justify ever going back to that. or going forward to that. i just got this back and screw enlightenment if it means i have to give up on my passions i dont think life is worth living without it.

and anybody who looks down on that from a spiritual tower has yet to examine their own pride and how empty they feel without it.

anybody who looks down and smiles and wishes me luck on my journey? good for them. im glad theyre living their best life, on their journey as they see fit.

and i feel the need to protect myself because ive been hurt by the pride- the arrogance of others before. a lot of my hurts and traumas stem from my mother being too prideful to recognize that she can be wrong and someone under her power could be correct over her. and it was an uncomfortable truth. so she denied it was one at all and hurt me. i know the reason could be elaborated on. she didnt want to confront her own internal logic. or trauma. or even doublethink. that doesnt excuse her hurting a child for the sake of her sense of pride, of comfort, of self-worth. a child under her power, that she claimed to be parent of. teacher of.

not owing anyone anything is not the same as not hurting anyone. i havent reconciled that yet. oppressors should be held accountable for their mistakes, and give reparations if the harm is physical at LEAST. and i think that applies to politics, yes. privately though? if i beat up a nazi, i dont want to pay for his hospital bills. my personal philosophy struggles between equating people and ideas as a worth measurement, and realizing that that line of thinking is... similar to oppressors. but. its based on something people can change. the question is, do i think "if given the opportunity" is a good enough reason to stop and question a racist that runs their mouth? and do i think pre-emptive violence is okay? if say, a nazi walks into a bar and doesnt say anything but is wearing all the red flags and bells and whistles. i dont think that justifies a beatdown. being asked to leave, sure, but the beatdown doesnt start til the first remark flies.

once the intent is given OR the action is taken, the line is drawn. doesnt matter if they Havent Had The Chance. if theyre starting shit outside of debate spaces like that, and not, say, asking questions, theyre not looking for new perspectives, and it is NOT my job to educate people. its not my job to Show People The Light. a quick fucking google search could tell them why theyre wrong. if they havent put even the most basic energy into questioning their beliefs, thats on them.

it sounds like im trying to absolve myself of blame here. largely because. i think i should go out and help educate people because theyre inherently complacent if theyre, yknow, in a position of power. aka white folk and men and rich folk and cis folk and on and on and on. these people dont live my reality. they dont live the reality of a gay black man in the south, or a genderqueer lesbian in the west, or an indigenous woman whose nation is being targeted, or a muslim woman who cannot wear her headcoverings in the face of danger of death, or an asian immigrant who cant get a job because of COVD age discrimination resurging. we will never live each others realities, but we can become aware of them.

they wont come into awareness without someone asking or telling, and then doing something to change them.

we shouldnt need to go running to people in power for them to be aware of problems in the populace, govt is supposed to help and solve issues like this. like. actively. thats the whole point, make life better for the countrys citizens. and individuals in a position of social power...

are individuals who didnt take on a responsibility to protect and serve or otherwise care for the populace of a nation. i personally think they SHOULD care, but they are not obligated to. i cant make them care about others.

and honestly, on some of them, it would be a waste of time. there are people who want to change or question things and yknow what? they seek out answers. in people or places or online usually. stats and stories.

so like. i dont think someones Potential as a person matters when theres a throwdown about to happen. it really isnt my responsibility to save people from themselves or try to change their sides against their will. if they want to chat about it they can ask questions first.

not throw insults or punches or hatred.

what people have been taught is worth analyzing and trying to correct IN SOCIETY but i cant fix every broken white boy that comes to me. PSAs, fliers, outreach, online videos, debate spaces. those are things i already have access to and can be a part of if i really want to go around changing minds. or yknow. get involved in legislation and be myself around others to change their perceptions of whats socially acceptable or normal. maybe protest, maybe call congressfolk, etc.

but not every comment has to be analyzed or a learning opportunity. im allowed to shut it down, and people can respect that or stop talking to me. this isnt my parents house where i had to justify everything that i said or did when scrutinized, and doubly justify any criticism i had of mother, or any joke i frowned at instead of smiling.

these people dont have that power over me. they arent my mother. they arent my boss, and if they are i can fuck off and get a new job if necessary. they dont have financial control over my living space and food and schooling and physical control of where i can go and with who and for how long. I CONTROL THAT. I do.

Huh. maybe thats why i want a van so bad. i mean... when this lease ends if nobody is gonna end up living with me...

i could just... live in my car and shower at truck stops. get a storage unit for my stuff. save by driving jobs. like 40 to 60 a day. tear out my cars back, insulate it, and install my mattress pad there. water on the floor, cooler next to it, wooden cutting coard, knife, single camping plateware set, and another little shelf for spices. maybe a hot plate i can hook up to the car battery? get a long enough usb and it might be doable. i could go camping and open the trunk to just... vibe.

because yeah, honestly? i dont plan on having a solid apartment for a bit. like a long bit. and i still have like 70000 miles on my car before itll want to go. and by that point, even at like 100 miles a day, thats like 2 years, less if i go cross country in that vehicle. i could save up SO MUCH for a better vehicle, or like. college. live on campus, get some credit, continue working after i figure out want i want to do.

i think thats a solid plan, even if i dont get another apartment and put everything in storage. work as i need to instead of all the time for rent, really only paying for gas, car repairs, car ins, food, and phone data/hotspot internet... that would bring my monthly expenses down to like 500 a month max instead of like 1400. id only need to make some 1000 a month doing contract stuff to save for taxes and stuff. anything extra would be just that: extra for savings and things. holy shit.

depending on how this next month goes for my friends, holy s h i t.

i. i might do this. legitimately.

i. dont think i can yet. i need proof of address to get my license im pretty sure? but hey, thatll be my 21st this year, so. once i have that i wont need a new address for a While. i dont know if ill want one, really.

i could always just ask a friend or family member if i could use theirs for mail that cant go to a PO box.

anyway. yeah. wow.

[bunnyriviere]

my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

[rewrentless]

Taz Balance Quotes

I have no idea how long ive been working on this, between 2 and 7 months but finally ive made a list of memorable quotes /quotes that made me chuckle

-Any you driads down to clown

-That was my grandfathers haunch

-Everyone needs a barry bluejeans!

-You shouldnt had your dog jump up my ass! I dont think my dog could fit in an ass! You havent seen this ass

-Eat me barry

-If you were making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and you dropped some jelly on the counter are you gonna take a knife and just start cutting at it you dumb son of a bitch??

-she thinks my tractors sexy and i think im no longer welcome here

-hello hello welcome to my caev

-abraca fuck you

-hey you calm the fuck down sir theres no yelling at fantasy Costco!

-its like a bag of holding but for ass

-merle i can see 3/4 to 4/5 of your entire butt

-the railsplitter passes through the tree like a baseball bat passing through a ghost

-youve solved my shrek puzzle

-a witch kissed me and cursed me so that anytime anybody yells a secret word i have to attend to their every need and that word is my fucking name jenkins

-infinite bean!!!

-i got a murder wall in my brain!

-time-pon! The time travelling tampon!

-lord steven q fletcher esquire the goldfish the third

-'yeah he really beat me in a test of wits and wagers' and winks at taako over and over just winking

- hey baby i love your tendrils

-i got here a few minutes ago and i can not take my eyes off you i looked at you across the square 60 feet away and i said do not be chopping on this baby

-you and the box both drink poison and you survive but the box has died. With that the box pops open

-does everyone get that i have an elevator fetish at this point?

-griffen we gotta fight some weeds at floor 20!

-my names not jerry its ... jerrieeeeee

-but listen guys now i gotta take a poop, you know like a poop like a real emergent poop

-'your name ... of course ... is... taako. Sike thats just mine say my name!' i cast magic missile

-so youre sayin we eat him

-youre all beautiful butterflake snowflies

-im actually a mongoose meow

-and inside the envelopes there is  200 gold pieces  ‘thanks for these shitty jangly envelopes’

-i hand her a coupon for one free backrub

-magnus this is the nightmare scenario

-hot diggity shit that is a baller cookie

-i made you guys chairs for your new digs and if you lift up the cushion it doubles as an indoor toilet

-davenport read the room!

-mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm davenport

-i start to very subtly and very easily cry

-last time i was in an elevator vines tried to eat my dick

-the late merle highchurch rolled a 5

-’youre a god!’ I definately am

-youre not stupid youre beautiful

-its kinda ridiculous how many pies we got our toes in

-your mother would swaddle you young taako baby taako and just sing to you oh shit sweet flip oh dip sweet flip my little nugget

-god liiiieed to me

-magnus can kiss my kenny chesney tattoo

-you found her?!

-hey thug whats your name im about to tentacle your dick?

-if travis cant move his legs then i shall create his legs!

-im just an elevator climb on in ma belly!

-press ma buttons from inside a me

-if you wanted to lure me in there you shoulda stayed handsome ma fella

-'i tap it with the gluttons fork and i swallow it' 'what the f uck'

-ive got to switch between different accents to trick my prey

-when that day comes little man oh when that day comes i will summon whatever powers i still have at my disposal that you have not sipphoned away from me and i will take all of my canny and all of my cunning and all arcanas still within my reach and i will use it to strike you down little man

-dungeons and dragons and daddies

-fantasy shorts fantasy shorts fantasy shorts fantasy shorts!

-i cast zone of truth!

-junebug

-this chair smells like grandmas

-this scene is memorable to you now but in the moment you werent thinking im going to remember everything about this moment

-inifate bag of boys

-if it had flesh then it would be a bag of skin full of fucking goo

-"how do you not have a six it comes with every board game?" "My daughter..." "eats them for power??"

-because in wonderland... there is no healing (shit eating grin)

-liches get stitches

-son of a lich

-you built the fucking door out of wood shit wood

-bad luck

-ill be having my body back you undead fuck

-sturdy. denim. and blue

-i have updated my list of people i trust and things i believe to no one and nothing

-those are the arms that have held my wife

-i cant fight i cant protect i cant do anything in this body

- i saw seven birds

-the twins, the lover, the protecter, the lonely journal keeper, the peacemaker and the wordless one

-i dont know but i feel like i trust you

-dont let them erase me magnus

-how could you forget lup

-nerd alert!

-greg grimaldis you owe me $15 and i aim to collect

-i have to believe that im gonna get those $15 back from greg fucking grimaldis

-the one thing we do have is the thing that people in love rarely ever have enough of and its time

-I dont know about in love its only been... 21 years

-are you my friend?

-what brings me joy is... life. I think you can find joy anywhere in life i thibk its a concious choice i think you choose joy in life and no matter how bad things are no matter how crummy no matter how dark no matter how many times some guy named john kills your ass you find joy. I’ve found joy, honest to God, getting to know you. I’ve found joy playing chess with you. I have enjoyed - i haven’ t enjoyed you know, getting my ass killed, but i find joy in whatever I do. I don’t always do things right, and I don’t always do things smart, and I don’t always do a character voice, but whatever i do, i find joy in it. Because at the end of the day, that’s all you got. It’s looking back on the joy you had, and the joy you found, and the joy you gave other people 

-soon you will call us ascendent

-kiss my ass you sanctimonious bastard

-huh. I feel sad

-its not perfect but its the best i can do

-our capacity for love increases with each person we cross paths with throughout our lives and with each moment we spend with those people but too often we neglect that part of ourselves in favour of others and by the time we realize just how importnat it is we find ourselves with fewer folks around to practice with but the seven of you have something that nobody else ever had time all the time in the world time enough to grow indescribely close time enough to learn how to care for each other how to allow yourselves to be caref for and in the case of barry and lup time enough to fall deeply and truely in love

-there was romance in every measure and longing in every note

-have we not earned a little wrath?

-i made it

-you are my heart you know that right?

-sometimes there arent right decisions sometimes theres just decisions

-when someone leaves your life those exits are not made equal. Some are beautiful and poetic and satisfying others are abrupt and unfair but most are just unremarkable, unintentional clumsy

-back soon

-who?

-taako kill me

-you fucking took everything from me

-understand this, i have nothing and i don’t give a shit. The world is ending and i don’t care

-phantasmal and resplendent

-youre dating the grim reaper?!

-ill take one taco with extra destiny

-i tell the trees when to shed their leaves and i make every piece of fruit taste the way that it tastes and i taught every blade of grass in the ground where to grow did you really think i had forgotten about you?

-im not your pan but you will always be my merle

-i run over and im already kissing him this is ridiculous

-I want to warm up my face i dont want it to be cold and weird

-whats up ghostrider

-i met god no big deal

-lets save the world and 420 blaze it

-hear that babe? We’re legends

-youre going to have to fight and… youre gonna win!

-you hear it now too dont you? The song is now yours, just as the story has always been yours and with this final piece your understanding of these impossible events is complete. Like i said before, youre ready now, darkness surrounds you but be not afraid, after all youre going to win, we know that much but that is the limit of my knowledge. Youre all caught up now, whatever happens next, well, we’ll just have to find out together

-you boys know the best of the fantasy costo? Free samples

-we won

-youre going to be amazing

-it takes time as all difficult and important things do, for the world to recover from what was done to it that day. But it does recover, and not just that, it thrives. 

-im about to smooch your fucking brains out babe 

-one small criticism, i think you may have forgotten to make it taste good

-‘youre kinda full of dog shit sometimes’ thats what it was i forgot i did include dog shit

-i should mention my boyfriend is death

-if you will all excuse me i have… to shit

-i tried to make you proud

-we see you one last time as magnus rushes in

-even happier days were to come, because that was the world that you made, that was the ending you earned