#I think this is roughly as long as an average TF2 comic

[virtual-crisis]

The Pyro Update, Day Two: Meet the Pyro

Day One [Not actually yesterday in-universe]

My first major fanfic, UtD

My actual original writing

Next Part

June 27, 1968; Location unknown.

"Tell me about yourself, mister..... Pyro."

"Nobody else would hire me because of my mental 'health'."

The two were sat in a dark room for an interview. The Director for TF Industries' promotional 'Meet the Team' series- who had been to Ludwig's office four days prior- and the Pyro itself, sat with its face shrouded in the shadow. Miss Pauling insisted for it that the Director interview it without actually being able to see it.

"Ah.. Yes, of course, that... What were you... WANTING to do for a job?" the Director said. He was already writing on his notepad to scrap the footage that was being made at the time.

Pyro narrowed its eyes. "Chemistry. College doesn't turn down tuition if you're 'mentally unstable', unlike employers. Doesn't change that I wasted six years in it."

The Director nodded slowly. "Right... I know the feeling." he murmured, whilst writing 'unrelatable' on a bullet point. "Why did you go after that field?"

There was a *clunk* sound as the pyro set a lighter on the table abruptly. The thing was engraved with its emblem- a flame on a Mann Co. orange background- on the front. "I'm a pyromaniac. That's been established." it said. "A chemist knows how to handle flammable materials safely, and is trusted not to let fire or the like get out of hand. I even acted as a consultant for safety measures in the Badlands- telling my boss tips for fireproofing the various battlefields out here."

"Uh-huh, uh-huh..." the Director repeated. While the lighter startled him for a moment, he was spacing out, ignoring most of what Pyro said. 'Lacks charisma', 'Boring life story', 'Spin as a movie monster of sorts for the edited cut'... Those and other things were what he was writing down.

Pyro shrugged, glancing off to the side as it pocketed the lighter. "I'm told there were weekly building fires before the last Pyro retired. 'You have BIG boots to fill', the boss said."

"He's not listenin', luv."

Pyro blinked a couple of times, shaking its head and putting a hand to the side of it.

The Director scooted his chair back a little, turning slightly to be ready to jump up. "Is.... Is something wrong?"

Pyro winced, squinching its eyes shut. "Nothing, nothing... My medication must not've kicked in fully just yet."

"Ah.." the Director replied, narrowing his eyes slightly, glancing at his watch. "Well, funny you say that, we seem to be out of time for the interview..."

Pyro glanced over at him, before reaching for its mask. "....Right...." it murmured, pulling the rubberized mask back on and standing up. "That wasn't very long..."

The Director stood up as well, waving his free hand and chuckling as he quickly flipped the notebook shut with the other. "Oh well, it happens- the film is quite expensive, you see, and the Scout made us use quite a lot."

Pyro narrowed its eyes behind its mask. "...I can imagine."

He clapped. "Yes, exactly! But there's no need to imagine, since that's exactly what happened!" he said, motioning for the Pyro to leave as he called over his shoulder. "NEXT!"

Pyro winced at the loud shout, before skulking out of the room as the Demoman drunkenly stumbled in.

"Och man, there's no need to bloody shout.. It's me eye that's out, not my ears..." Tavish murmured as the Pyro stepped out of the room, closing the door.

"...How did interview go?" Heavy asked after a moment, sat in a line with the other four mercs.

Pyro looked over at them. The Engineer, Medic, Sniper and Spy, since the Scout and Soldier had already been in with the Director.

"You can't possibly think they care."

Pyro closed its eyes for a moment, before opening them and staring between the five, before simply shrugging and walking down the hall.

The Engineer crossed his arms. "Ain't much for words, are they..." he said under his breath.

"Apparently not..." Heavy replied.

"Words tend to get'cha killed in this profession." Sniper mused.

"That would explain why you stay so far from the fight." the Spy quipped, putting out a cigarette in the ashtray he'd pulled over.

Pyro sat outside the building with its hands to its head, groaning slightly. It wasn't daring to open its eyes, for what it knew it'd see- a recurring hallucination that tended to force itself through any normal dose of medication Pyro took: Balloonicorn, as it called itself.

"Y'know they don't want you around, luv." he said, his 'voice' being vaguely Brittish-American in accent. "The boss lady just has you on the team for completion's sake."

Pyro glared up at him. "Shut up you alcoholic piece of shit!" it spat.

Balloonicorn giggled. It sounded like two rubber balloons rubbing against each other cartoonishly... "You're only tellin' me to can it 'cause you know I'm right..."

"Pauling likes having me around! I don't care about the rest of the team!"

Balloonicorn 'blinked'. "I didn't mean her, luv. I mean her boss. That 'administrator' woman."

Pyro kept its glare for a few moments, before closing its eyes tight again and looking back down.

"She's the only one here who's gotten to see your face, but not the other way around... Wouldn't that be concerning at all?"

"I said shut up. I can't lose out on this job too."

"What?"

Pyro winced, slowly looking up.

The scout was standing there watching it, unnerved. He'd just walked out the nearby door, shortly followed by the Soldier, then the Heavy.

Pyro looked over at Balloonicorn, who just giggled again, then back to Scout. After a moment, it just shook its head, getting up to walk back to the main building of the RED base.

"Heyyyyyy, Pyro..." Miss Pauling said. Pyro was entering a private room they met in every morning and evening, before and after work. "Glad you got here on time. You looked a bit distracted on your way out from talking with him..."

Pyro nodded, pulling off its mask and glancing around the room. One of the few places in the Badlands not covered in security cameras. "Yeah, he was bothering me again..."

Pauling sat down, putting her hands together and thinking for a moment. "...The unicorn thing?"

"Yes, that one."

She sighed. "I'll see if I can negotiate any sort of pay rise so you can get better medication for that, along with your other expenses..." she muttered. "It might require you doing a new job I just got in for me, though."

"Oh?" Pyro said, raising a brow.

"Yes, a new job." Pauling replied, setting her hands on the table and sitting up straight. "You see, the Administrator is going to have an interview with the Director herself, in a few days." she said, emphasizing 'interview' as much as she could.

"Interview...?" Pyro asked.

"Yes, an interview. It'll be in the Dustbowl mines, and she won't be going there herself. She's set up some 'information' for me to 'meet' the Director with there, in her place."

Pyro blinked, shrugging in confusion. Balloonicorn nudged its cheek with his horn. "They're gonna bloody murder the bloke, luv." he whispered.

Pyro perked up at the sound. "Oh! Interview! I get it now." it said, nodding quickly.

Pauling chuckled. "I was hoping you would. I have a Derringer I can use, but my hands have been really shaky recently. I'd probably miss the first shot or have him spot it soon enough to scream for help."

Pyro snorted. "Shaky hands? But you've done this plenty of times before..."

Pauling's eyes darted side to side, and she took a deep breath, relaxing in her seat. "...I've been taking Vitamin D supplements to combat my depression. Work-related, as you can imagine." she said. "My hands have been shaking, it's been harder to lift things and push heavy doors open... Oh yeah, and I've been vomiting now and then. Just did before coming in here."

Pyro shivered slightly. "...Maybe you should... Stop taking it, then..."

Pauling clapped her hands together, putting on a fake grin. "Oh, I considered it! These 'megadoses' are probably the cause. But the Administrator won't let me take more than one day off, so I can't visit the doctor to see HOW much I should cut the dosage down by."

"Sounds pleasant..."

"There's no need for sarcasm- it's anything but."

"Trust me, I know what faulty dosage is like."

"Yeah, you told me about 'the incident'."

Pyro nodded slowly, idly swatting a hand at Balloonicorn. Pauling looked over as it did, but decided not to say anything. "...Yes. I'm not happy about having to take Medic's help for that."

Pauling shrugged. "Oh well... I'll call BLU's pyro off work for the day I scheduled the 'interview', and let you know when we'll be headed out there." she said. "You'll have to get there ahead of us though- he'll know something's up if you ride along in the truck."

"Right. Am I allowed to ask why?"

"Judging by the notes we watched him take in his interviews about you, you won't need to know the Administrator's reasoning. Let's just say he's an idiot that doesn't know what his job is for, and she wants that to never change."

Pyro nodded slowly, standing up and pulling out a pill bottle. "Guess I'll be there to help you when I need to be, then."

Pauling smiled, clasping her hands together and standing up. "I'll call us even for the month, then. Not that I need to be paid back for this part of the job."

They both nodded in agreement, and pyro stepped out of the room, quickly pulling its mask back on after taking one of the pills. Balloonicorn, who had been pleading for it not to, slowly faded from existence once again.

The next few days went by quietly, until Pauling sat Pyro down with its weapons on the table, rather than the supply locker at the RED team's side of a battleground.

"Several of the other mercs went missing today." Pauling said. "Well, not missing, but they're insisting to take the day off for some 'business' they have to take care of together."

"What specific business?"

"The Administrator says one of my coworkers has been captured- thank Christ she sends me out on assassination jobs rather than being a messenger." she explained. Her breathing was fast and strained, and she was resting her forehead on one of her hands. "The Director's waiting in a truck outside. I'll take a scenic route- you know where to go."

Pyro nodded, picking up its weapons and setting them in the three holsters on its suit- a flame thrower, a modified flare gun, and 'The Powerjack'- a sledgehammer designed by Mann Co. to help one sprint faster by using its weight for momentum, and fuel their adrenaline by using it as a weapon. Its head was a car battery, and its handle was a tire jack...

"Will I have a ride, or..."

"You'll have to go on foot, sorry. The Administrator wants a low profile on this job, and two vehicles going to what's gonna be a murder site will look suspicious."

Pyro cleared its throat. "Off we go th-"

Pauling put up a hand. "Wait, wait, there's one thing I forgot.." she said, standing up. "Something you'll have to watch first."

Pyro turned its head to the side. "..And that is...?"

Pauling took Pyro by the wrist, handing its mask to it and leading it out the door. "This way..." she muttered. "They gave us the public cuts of the Meet the Team series, and... Well, the other eight parts are passable, but you might not like yours."

Pyro took a deep breath, pulling the mask on loosely to cover its head for the moment, but ready to take back off when needed. "Should've guessed..."

"Yeah, it's... A disaster. We told the man to make you guys look not like a bunch of psychos, but he basically took.... Liberties."

Pauling stepped into a back room with a TV set up and idle. She led Pyro to a chair, before going to put a tape in the VHS player.

Pyro furrowed its brow. The video opened with a menacing shot of the Pyro walking with its axe in hand. "I wasn't trying to be intimidating there, I-"

"I fear no man, but that thing...... It scares me." came the Heavy's voice, leaning in to the camera for emphasis during his interview.

"No, I ain't- I ain't talkin' about that freak, alright?" Scout's voice started during footage of the BLU team running from Pyro. In person, Pyro had seen it as a group of whimsical cupids running away to play tag. Subconsciously, it always knew what was really happening, but tried its damndest to just go along with its schizophrenic hallucinations when doing... Its job.

"He's not here, is he?" Scout said, fiddling with a microphone he'd been given and complaining about it.

"...I hadn't gotten to the site for the interviews just yet." Pyro muttered. Pauling nodded.

There was a brief clip of Pyro bursting into a barn with its flamethrower. It saw it as a sad, gloomy cottage in need of some 'rainbows and sunshine' to brighten it up, at the time. Like the rest of that street in Teufort, it was condemned, with the BLU team sent in unarmed to take on Pyro- all for cinematic effect.

"One shudders to imagine what inhuman thoughts lie behind that mask..." Spy mused, staring down a lit cigarette, before a show of the Pyro incinerating a multitude of buildings.

It looked over in a slight panic. "But I thought.."

"What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty...?"

His voice trailed off for a series of footage showing the pyro destroying the disheveled area of Teufort in fire and flame. Pyro quivered in its seat. "..I thought it was just..."

"Don't worry, the buildings were condemned..." Pauling reassured. "I know the Director's using it to make you look bad, but you did us a big favor with the 'demolition' job there..."

Pyro nodded slowly, breathing shakily as the video cut to the Soldier. "You can't even fight it unless you have bullets! That flamethrower can turn around rockets, throw grenades back at their launchers- if you charge it with a melee weapon it just launches YOU through the air then sets you ablaze!"

Then the Sniper. "A professional's worst nightmare. Bloke like me works years to hone their skills to perfection, then a lunatic with a bloodlust comes along and boom, there goes your job."

Pyro took a deep breath, narrowing its eyes under its mask. As the Sniper spoke, there was a clip of the Pyro sprinting at BLU's Heavy, kicking him to the ground, and splitting his head with an axe- censored by its body. Then punching their Scout to disorient him, and killing him with a modified flare to the face.

"Zere is something foul in zat soul..." the RED Medic said, whilst Pyro chased the BLU Medic into a burning building, and blocked the doors shut by jamming the handles with its axe. "I vould be ashamed of myself if I were to leave it to a different doctor..."

Pyro was shaking in its seat as the Engineer and Demoman voiced their concerns about it being around. The whole thing advertised the Pyro as some sort of monster- not a human in any way. To say Pyro was getting angry was an understatement.

As the video ended with Pyro burning BLU's Sniper alive, Pauling quickly stepped over to stop and eject the VHS tape. She shivered slightly as she glanced back over to it. "I'll assume the point's been made..."

Pyro slowly stood up. "I'm going to need an axe, not a hammer." it said.

Pauling smiled uneasily. "Of course! Why would I think of giving you a bludgeoning tool- sharp force trauma's always had more uses..." she said, setting the tape on a shelf and quickly making her way out of the room.

Pyro changed its weaponry on the way out, and Pauling chatted with the Director as a momentary distraction before they drove off. Roughly an hour later, Pauling was sending the Director in, and speaking with the Administrator over a brick-model cell phone.

"Ooh, perfect. STAND ON THOSE! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!" she'd just called in. The Director nonchalantly shuffled onto a set of white tarps that'd been set up in the cave for easy cleanup.

"What the hell is all this for... If the cave is for the supposed 'accoustics', this would ruin it." he muttered, before seizing up at a light clapping sound.

"Miss Helen...?" he said, slowly turning around- before gasping, going pale in the face.

Pyro was stalking up to him, adjusting a fire axe in its grip. "I saw your glorified 'commercial' for me..." it hissed. "Miss Pauling offered me the Director's cut."

Pauling winced outside as the Director screamed, shortly before gargled sounds of him choking that quickly quieted down and stopped echoing from in the mine. "Ugh, I told him to be quiet about it... Whatever, nobody's around.." she muttered, shaking her head and carrying a bag of quicklime and a shovel inside.