#I was trying to maintain one in last autumn because of school etc. and I've never had so much anxiety and intrusive thoughts than then

[mcrmadness]

I tried to google about spring tiredness (in Finnish), why is every article about being burnout and related to work, and not about the phenomenon itself??? Like, I just wanted to know if spring tiredness as a term (well it's one in Finnish at least) means excessive tiredness in general and whether it has something to do with seasons etc. or not, but everything is about "this is why you might be tired at work during spring" - NOT WHAT I WAS ASKING ABOUT???

This is more like a chronic jetlag. I know it takes time for a body and brain to get used to the changes of a sleeping schedule, but I also know my own circadian rhythm is not normal. My sleep phase is delayed, and my day has more than 24 hours in it. I would say 30h is closer to the amount of hours in my inner clock.

But at this point this is getting ridiculous. It feels like my inner clock would be partially broken and only has 12 hours now. It's not the first time this has happened, but it's hella annoying when it feels like my body does not stop producing melatonin at all. It's like having melatonin high 24/7, my whole body is shaky and my muscles feel SO WEAK because of that. And I know I'm not sick or anything like that, because this is how I feel when I have stayed up for 24 hours too, and this time I haven't.

This is now the third day in a row. I have slept at night, I wake up around 8am, I become really tired at 10am, afternoon is the worst, just wanna have a nad at 5pm and then can't wait for it to be late enough so that I can go to sleep because if I go to bed too early, then I will wake up even earlier and will be even sleepier and drowsier the next day.

I woke up after 8am today and I have been awake for 2 hours and I already feel so exhausted. I haven't even eaten any breakfast yet and I still feel like I'm ready to go to bed cos I just want to sleep. I SLEPT FOR OVER 8 HOURS WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS. Besides, it was MY BODY that woke up. It could have very well kept sleeping for a couple of hours more but no. Just had to wake itself up and be like "oh it's morning :)" and now it's getting sunny outside and I'm getting so much more tired it's insane. I affects my ability to even do things cos my whole body feels so annoying and I can't focus on anything because of the sensory things. Even tho that might be also the key, and it might help me wake up physically if I actually went for a walk or something instead of sitting in front of the pc the whole day doing nothing cos I feel too exhausted.

But yeah, this is my normal. This is what happens with my if I can't follow my circadian rhythm, and some times my brain does this thing especially in the spring where it just randomly clicks and follows the majority's normal circadian rhythm which doesn't fit my body at all. I keep being told you can get used to it and you can learn to get used to waking up in the mornings. No I cannot. I have done that, I have been in schools and had to wake up to those early on for YEARS because my schools started at 8am, I have had a job that started before 8am. My current school starts at 9am. I am able to distract myself from the feels of tiredness with work, especially physical work, but if I keep sitting in one place, I just get so tired. I was always so exhausted at school and even in vocational schools I have had to fight against my body's urge to fall asleep in class. It usually doesn't matter if I have slept enough hours, it's just that I'm forced to wake up earlier than what would be natural for me. It's like if someone with the normal rhythm was waken up at 2am to go to work/school at 4am. I bet they'd get drowsy too eventually.

My own normal circadian rhythm would be to sleep from 2-4am to 10-11am. If I wake up at 11am, I won't get nearly as tired as I get now that my body has kept waking me up between 7-8am after I've gone to sleep between midnight and 2am.

Hopefully it gets better today if I manage to shower after breakfast and then manage to leave the house.

[187days]

Day Six

My classroom fan has gone missing, which is not great because it was an unseasonable 87 degrees today, and, no, schools in backwoods northern New England aren't air conditioned.

So it was hot in class today, is what I'm saying.

Some of my ninth graders were stubbornly wearing jeans and sweatshirts because- in their words- it's supposed to be fall and they refuse to think otherwise (yes, they know the autumn equinox isn't for a couple weeks, doesn't matter). As always, their ways are not meant to be fully understood. I just hope they stay hydrated.

They di alright today considering it was hot, and I was giving vocab- old school, copy from the board style, as I do- which meant they had to maintain their focus pretty intently for a good twenty minutes. Afterwards, I projected a blank map on my whiteboard and checked their basic geography knowledge (continents, major lines of latitude and longitude, etc...) I'm still getting my timing down for these half block classes, but that knowledge check was something I could draw out or make really brief, which was good. One of my sections moves more slowly than the others- for a lot of reasons- so that kind of lesson that can "accordion" is good.

I like that APGOV is in between my sections of Global Studies because it breaks my day up a bit. The lesson for that class today was a two-parter: discussing the Declaration of Independence, which they'd read last week, and exploring the NH state constitution. Since our state was the first state to establish a constitution, and it's really reflective of our founding ideals, it's a good document to look at. It's huge, though, so we looked at some parts- ie, the bill of rights- in depth, and skimmed others. We also went on several tangents throughout the block: the budget process, government shutdowns (and cake), deciding where to register to vote while in college, voting rights in general, education funding in NH... It was all good stuff!

If it's still hot tomorrow, I might consider launching one of my hostile takeovers of a conference room. Stay tuned.

I was hoping the LT meeting this afternoon would be in one of those conference rooms, but it was in Mrs. T's classroom, which- being on the first floor- was still cooler than mine. I've joked for years about how terrible I am in meetings, but I'm trying to be a valuable contributor in these meetings. I'm still extremely blunt, at times, but I think fast and I have good organizational skills, and those are two traits I can put to good use here.

Look at how responsible I'm becoming, nineteen years into this career!