#I wasn't unlovable but loving me was socially unacceptable

[ladyalienist]

The thing is I have to periodically remind myself that it doesn’t matter if they loved me or not, that it does not change the fact that they hurt me anyway.

It doesn’t matter when I think about my father. It doesn’t help. The father who told his four year old daughter stupid stories set on a rocketship where everyone ate only chocolate cake and who told his eighteen year old daughter that his favourite character in the book I lent him was his favourite because it reminded him of her… was the same father who consistently remarked failure and made relentless fun at said daughter’s interest, who threatened anti-drug tests at any perceived slight, who had little to no issue yelling and hitting. It doesn’t matter that he loved me the whole time, that he tried, with all his might, to be a good father. He hurt me. I bear scars that resemble his own and he still has a hard time recognising my humanity in spite of that.

It doesn’t matter when I think about my adolescence, about my social circle. I fucking survived having the fanfiquesque codependent homoerotic rivalry to friendship to what-the-fuck-is-this-shitshow, and a weird love-hate relationship, veering into fucking domestic violence while we never lived together, with the biggest bully I’ve ever encountered, AT THE SAME TIME. It was a horrifyingly entangled situation.

And it doesn’t matter that they both cared, in the only way they could. It doesn’t matter. She pulling me on the mattress for an early morning cuddle session and telling me she’d make me pancakes and choosing to spend her eighteenth birthday (of all birthdays!) with me didn’t prevent her from throwing me away when I became an inconvenience.

He getting terrified whenever he deemed me in danger, sharing books and cigarette packs with me, taking the blame for things we did together, didn’t stop him from being an insane pain in the ass. It didn’t stop the constant mocking, the constant remarking that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, female enough (ah, how dared I being GNC in front of his religious upbringing!), that I was a monstrous being.

In retrospect he loved me with all his might, in the confused, painful way a sadistic nature nurtured with male socialization can love.

And it doesn’t matter. Because I wanted to kill myself, all the same. And he gets to have the same friends he had at the time, while I had to cut ties, one by one, and this loneliness will follow me wherever I go. I can create a new history, sure, but it’s not the same: sixteen years of my life belong to this monstrosity, and the damage it has done cannot be erased with a sponge hit. I can try to avoid the patterns, but they will follow me all the same, and creating new, healthy connections will always be a bit more of a challenge, something that doesn’t come natural to me.

But boy, do I think about those memories a lot in this period of my life. And it was a bit easier thinking that they never gave a fuck and it was all cruel mockery, pretending in order to get a good laughter behind my back. I have to live now with the awareness that him loudly complaining about me blathering about the importance of having a good environment to grow in was the only way he found to tell me I’d like to make you happy. I have to live with the knowledge that every time he saw me with younger children, with his own brothers, he got quieter because he imagined something he knew he couldn’t have – I think you’d be a good mother. Cannot imagine your husband, but your children, yes.

I have to live with the knowledge that she and I made everyone around us uncomfortable and she sheltered me from most of the mean comments. That I caused pain by going away. That she was used to me coming and going, and then I just wasn’t there anymore. I had different friends and a different life, and while I felt excluded from some of her achievements, she felt like she didn’t belong either.

And it doesn’t matter. I have to periodically remind myself. But the hurt is way different.

[secularprolifeconspectus]

I'm adopted, because my "mother" was convinced to not abort me, and people like you genuinely scare the fuck out of me.

I was abused in the foster system, I was abused by my adoptive parents, and I was abandoned by my birth parents.

You people allow kids to be born to parents, families, and communities that don't want them. Children who aren't wanted are abused at every turn. You're literally advocating for suffering. Try to imagine what it's like to grow up without love. That's what you're advocating for.

I have the comfort of knowing I can have an abortion if something goes wrong, if Im raped AGAIN. Knowing that my body wouldn't be ruined, my life wouldn't be ruined by someone else's choice. I'm not going to be a parent.

I hope you grow up. I hope you realize the consequences of your ideology. You're taking MY autonomy, I'm not a babymaker. You're forcing kids to grow up without love.

I'm glad I don't live in a country where people take your ideology seriously.

My heart aches that you've suffered so much. That's really sad and I'm sorry you've been through so much, sincerely.

I'm glad you are here. I'm glad you are alive. I'm glad your mother protected you from being murdered. Because abortion doesn't merely prevent a person from coming into being; it kills someone who is real and alive and actually a full person. You may not agree, but it's on you to prove why preborn humans are the exception to the rule that all living human organisms are people.

My friend Braedon was sexually abused in the foster system, and he is ardently pro-life. He knows he is better off alive than dead, and I have other friends who feel the same. I even dated a pro-life communist whose mother was murdered and he was put into child slavery on a farm in foster care, and yet he STILL is pro-life. I definitely don't speak for anyone who has been through foster care, but you certainly don't speak for all of them.

It's not necessary for Pro-Lifers to fix our broken social system before we can demand an end to baby murder, anymore than it was necessary for slave abolitionists to secure reparation before they could demand freedom for Black people. You sound an awful lot like Thomas Jefferson justifying why slaves shouldn't be free when you insist babies shouldn't be alive... we must come together as a SOCIETY and a CULTURE to solve these problems, because exterminating people is NEVER the solution.

I know many people think it is more cruel to place a child in our current foster care and adoption systems than to murder a baby, but without their impetus and as long as abortion is the “simpler option”, the system may never see improvements. The less often that parents choose to carry unexpected pregnancies, the less visible they are, the more shame they face for not choosing the “simple” option, and the less accessible crisis family resources become. Cultural pressure to abort is increased, and cultural coercion is unacceptable.

That being said, I think adoption should be avoided whenever possible, and we should prioritize family preservation. I also think the kinship care model of fostering may solve a lot of the problems with our current system. Ultimately, the foster system is an extension of the police, which I believe should be abolished, and the adoption industry is just as coercive and predatory as the abortion industry.

I also want to challenge your assertion that all unwanted pregnancies lead to unloved children, and that all abortion-minded people become abusive parents. According to the pro-choice Turnaway Study, this simply isn't true: five years after being denied an abortion, 96% of participants didn't regret having their babies. It seems that over time, even parents who didn't initially want to be pregnant came to want, love, and feel deeply attached to their children. And most chose to parent their children.

I'm sorry this wasn't the case for you, you didn't deserve to be abandoned and abused.

If you're terrified of becoming pregnant and you don't want to be a parent, seriously, maybe get sterilized? If you oppose abortion except for in cases of rape and life of the mother, then you have more in common with pro-lifers than pro-choicers. You can be pro-life and advocate for a rape exception. I don't agree with the rape exception morally, but I think it's an acceptable compromise. If you think pregnancy ruins your body (which is INCREDIBLY misogynistic and patriarchal, like what the actual fuck,) then you've fallen for the propaganda pathologizing female fertility. Sorry to break it to you.

I don't think a child would ruin your life. But don't take my word for it, hear it from someone who aborted after rape. Believe it or not, 50% of women who conceive in rape keep their babies and love them. Ayala conceived in rape and loved her baby deeply, as did my friend Avie. I'm not taking your autonomy by insisting you should not be allowed to kill preborn people with impunity. I'm advocating against a mass human rights violation.

You should see the victims of YOUR ideology.

If you don't live in the US, kindly fuck off. You don't have a clue how extremist the US is when it comes to abortion. We literally allow abortion up until the baby begins to exit the vaginal canal for any reason. The only restriction we have is that you may not pull an infant's legs out of their mom's vagina to kill them by sucking out their brain from the back of their neck with a vacuum. That's literally the only kind of pregnancy termination that is banned.

Also, may I recommend some therapy? Your projection makes you come off as traumatized, which I know you are after all you've been through. When you grow up, I hope you heal. Get well soon.

[ethereousdelirious]

Absolute RAMBLE about nothing

With the way Tumblr as a whole is suddenly okay with whump sentiments, this blog has kind of become obsolete (dw I will NEVER LEAVE). Like I kept all this a secret from my friends because I thought I was a freak who would never be accepted and then I kept it a secret because my kink activities are not really my friends' business and now as those walls are coming down I'm kind of.... not keeling it a secret any more.

It would be different if I actually had a sneeze f.etish, like I'd probably still not tell them about that because it would have nothing to do with them. But none of this is explicitly sexual for me? Like I don't get off to ANYTHING on this blog.

But as I got closer with my friends and as the internet slowly gets cooler with whump, I just started... talking about it? Jokes and memes at first ("why are you, as a man, not covered in blood") and then just kinda. Continuing along that route.

My friends also don't read my fic unless I ask them to, so I could honestly write the most filthnasty, socially unacceptable p0rn and they wouldn't even know. And if they did, they have enough social grace to not be weird about it.

Even the sneeze f.etish stuff, I could tell the truth. "Yeah, I ended up befriending a bunch of people with sneeze f.etishes so I started writing fic for them. Everybody is really nice."

Idk I'm not really going anywhere with this, I'm just really grateful to feel so secure in my friendships. I really love my friends and I'm glad I can be my full self around them.

If you're wondering what the absolute fuck I'm doing here without a sneeze f.etish, I thiiink I have the explanation somewhere on my blog on desktop? I'll tell the tale again bc why not.

When I was younger (we're talking pre-teens) I realized I was. WAY too into media where men got hurt or sick. Way more than my friends. Way more than was normal.

And reader. I was 12. I was gay in a small town. I was HORRIFIED to discover ANOTHER layer of "unlovable freak of nature" in my psyche. But I couldn't stop. I LIKED reading whump and sickfics. It was one of the few things that made my very very depressed pre-adolescent self happy.

I discovered the Sn.eeze F.etish F.orum around age 13. I made an account. I was too shy to talk to anyone (thank god honestly because that could have ended SO badly for me). But I read the fics. I used the prompts. I read thread after thread of people talking about their interest in sickness and sneezing and whump like it was completely normal.

Like it wasn't anything to be ashamed of. Like maybe I WASN'T an unlovable freak of nature.

Sneeze f.etishists will ALWAYS be my buddies. We're into the same stuff in different fonts. You are ALWAYS welcome on my blog and I will always feel welcome and safe in sneeze f.etish spaces.

Except for that weird discourse a while back about how us non-f.etish-havers were "intruding on kink spaces." That was fucking weird. Bruh I'm holding a plate of brownies and erotica for you to have what do you MEAN I'm intruding