#I watched so many hours of tyler oakley videos as a child his voice is ingrained in my mind

[boag]

The artpop ads in the background really make this video for me

[blakes-universe-blog]

THE EMOJI MOVIE REVIEW: Or How I Lost My Sanity in 90 Minutes

I recently saw a movie.

You may recognize it as the aesthetic of my blog, The Emoji Movie.

I saw the movie on my own, something several of my friends and acquaintances tried to stop me from doing. I didn't listen. And oh god in heaven, did I pay the price for it.

The Emoji Movie takes place on the phone of a high school freshman named Alex, played by Jake T. Austin. That's right, Max Russo is in this movie. Inside the phone, Gene, played by TJ Miller, is a "meh" emoji who just wants to fit in. This is where I knew for a fact that I was in for the ride of my cancerous, leeching life. This is a plot used so many times it's not even funny.

"I WANT TO FIT IN BUT I'M DIFFERENT SO THAT MAKES ME WEIRD BUT LATER AFTER A SELF DISCOVERY JOURNEY I REALIZE I'M SPESHUL!1!!!!111!!"

I was alone in the theater for about half an hour before a family of three walked in. Now, at my theater in particular, they handed out emoji masks to the kids who went to see this. The movie hadn't even started, and I already had one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse staring me down. This child was around 5 years old, and for a moment, we locked eyes. And in that moment, the two of us formed an unspoken bond as we realized the pain and indignation we had gotten ourselves into.

Now, the one good part of this movie is the short that played before it, a Hotel Transylvania short by the name of "Puppy." But I'm not here to talk about that, so let's get right into the oncoming storm, so I can put this godawful movie behind me.

This is basically like someone took Wreck it Ralph and Inside Out and stitched them together with thread the strength of wet toilet paper. The characters were bland, the story was bland, the jokes almost never landed (trust me, I counted the laughs) and this was all in all one of the worst choices I have made in my life. I've seen several friends come and go to this movie, and each one comes out different than the way they come in.

Anyway, after making the wrong face, the meh emoji Gene meets a hand emoji named High Five, voiced by James Corden. This is where the second horseman came into play. This is the embodiment of a middle aged man who was quite possibly birthed into a dumpster asking some random child he met at the bus stop, "What do you kids do on them there smartphones?" This character is the epitome of embarrassment to a great studio, and half the dated references came from him. I heard several instances of the word "slay" being used, which hasn't been used by anyone except Tyler Oakley in 3 years. The two go on a journey to find the hacker Jailbreak, voiced by Anna Farris. Oh, dear lord, Anna Farris. I pray for you, girl. Your career will not recover from this. Jailbreak has an astounding secret about herself that we'll get into later in the review, but for now I'll Segway into the subplot. Gene's emoji parents are going to get divorced. Let's stop for a second and acknowledge the big elephant-farting-a-puff-of-smoke-emoji in the room and ask: "How does birth work in this universe?" Ugh, I shudder just thinking about it.

Anyway, after Gene escapes Textopolis, that city with the genius name, his parents go after him and go into the YouTube app. Now, let's think for a second. What video do you think they used to represent the entirety of YouTube? This is a massive site, so it has to be something current that everyone is talking about.

That's right, they used Pen Pineapple Apple Pen.

At this point, Gene's parents decide to split up. We see nothing else from them until around 20 minutes later, when they walk into the Instagram app and start messing around with Alex's precious family memories of a trip to Paris. Because a high school freshman voiced by Jake T Austin can afford that!

After going through an hour and a half of product placement for various apps (and Just Dance for some reason,) the group of emojis stumbles across Dropbox.

That's right.

Dropbox is a key plot point in this movie.

Dropbox.

It was at this point in the movie where I saw a father who was there with his son drop his elbows onto the seat below him and put his head in his hands. That's right, I watched a man discover religion during the Emoji Movie.

So anyway, blah blah Jailbreak is a princess blah blah this movie was awful and I wanted to slit my wrists for the entirety of it.

This movie deserves 5 poop emojis.

Because that's all it is.

Five Patrick Stewart voiced Poop emojis.

I hate all of you for making me go see this.