#I will maybe reblog this later tagging some people who enjoyed Moonstone in the firstplace

[evilbeanghost]

Snapetober

Here is my participation #6: Day 14 Abandoned (Moonstone fix it part 1/2)

You can also find it on AO3.

So, this is a kind of fix it for my saddest OS "Moonstone". The original is available on AO3, but this can be read separately too.

Be warned: Moonstone ending is really sad. This is what I call the "happy-sad" AU ending ;)

It's in two part, using two prompts! Today is PART 1: Abandoned.

But before we start: thanks a lot to @ailec-12 for her support and help with this one! She helped with my motivation and my english, an impossible work indeed! She’s a star and also a very good writer who I admire a lot.

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It had been exactly three months since that weird trip to St Mungo with Snape and Sirius couldn't stop thinking about it; about the broken man he used to hate so much, about the fact that he hadn't been able to hate him that day, nor ever since. He just couldn't summon the old feeling anymore; that had been a surprise. Even weirder, Sirius was absolutely certain that Snape had felt the exact same way, he just knew; he had felt it.

He couldn't get over the strange sense of comradeship he had felt during the whole peculiar trip… a sense of belonging he had been missing for so long, kinship even. He wanted to say since Remus, but maybe even before that, before Azkaban… because even the few years he had had with his old friend in the end were tainted by a war and old scars that had needed more time to heal than what they ended up having.

Why was Sirius unable to stop thinking about fucking Severus Snape? He guessed his life had always been a fat fucking joke.

At first, he had tried to think of it as pity: what with the obvious pain and misery the other man seemed to live in now – if that day together was even a little bit representative of his life – and also what with the frankly brutal assault he had suffered as stoically as if it had been something normal for him when they were at that pub? The fucking cowards! Sirius still angered instantly at the thoughts of those guys thinking they were distributing justice by beating up an invalid four on one. 

Harry had told him since that it was indeed quite usual sadly, and the reason why he had asked Sirius to take Snape to St Mungo in the first place when he hadn't been able to do so himself. Apparently, among other atrocious things Harry was able to tell Sirius, there had even been an occurrence of a street mob trying to hang the greasy bastard, what was wrong with these people seriously? Was that why they had all given their youths and sanity in a war? For the people they were trying to save to become the monsters themselves?

What a fucking waste. How could Sirius not be seething about that, about it all? Nothing was worth anything anymore and he just wanted to scream.

No, it wasn't pity; not only that anyway. Sirius knew now that it had to do with that sense of "we're the only ones left" that he had felt that day. Apparently, an old enemy from a dead, happy time could still be the only lifebelt for a very lonely man, the last of his kind, lost in a frightening new sea. 

It was in this state of mind that Sirius ended up making quite an irrational decision. He just couldn't stay here, in his big London flat – so comfortable and well equipped and so fucking empty and cold whatever Sirius bought to try to warm it up – stewing in his thoughts, wondering, trying to understand the big shift under his metaphorical feet. He just needed to go and see the git, he needed to know that the man was still there, somewhere, well enough, that he still existed somehow. Sirius needed to know that he wasn't alone, that the oppressive loneliness that had been killing him since Remus, since he could take a minute to feel it, since the war had ended, that that crushing feeling he was fighting against every day, even in the presence of friends, of Harry, of all of James' wonderful great-children, could be lifted again, if only for one single day, one hour… just like it did that weird day three months ago. And damn it if it meant he had to go see if fucking Snape was alright. 

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Severus was lying on his old uncomfortable sofa, on his back, trying not to move while the pain potion did its work. Unfortunately, the fact that he was still breathing was not sitting very well with the not moving part of his plan. One more thing to add to his pile of reasons why he should just have stopped the breathing thing as soon as that fucking snake had had a taste of him. How unfortunate, really.

Closing his eyes, he tried to empty his mind, not having been able to let go of the old habit despite not being able to occlude anymore, since the damn snake, again. It wasn't completely ineffective though, but when it had been a really efficient way to ignore anything from anxiety to physical pain for some extent of time in the past, it was now more a kind of soft meditation, helping with things, even if only a little, but definitely not as good as occluding was. He missed it very much.

The potions were helping a little less every day and Severus could sense his background panic rise a little more at each new progress of the pain. Every day he thought he just couldn't deal with any more than this, he just couldn't. And then, the next day was there and it was just that tiny little bit worse, and he endured it anyway. It wasn't good news. It was a growing despair in his very soul and Severus knew that he was near the end of his endurance, that he just needed it all to stop, that nothing was worth this and especially not his pitiful life. But the thing was that it just didn't stop, it kept getting worse and he was slowly losing his mind to it. Why couldn't it fucking stop? It wasn't fair. Well, life wasn't, right? His had never been anyway.

Severus jumped suddenly from his restless slumber. He had apparently ended up asleep when the potion had finally kicked in. It wasn't a surprise in his weakened state. Wondering briefly what had woken him up so suddenly, he didn't wait long before the answer came to him in the form of an insistent knock on his front door. Fucking great. 

Grimacing, he sat down as quickly as possible in his current state, then he quickly threw a hair-slicking charm, and a cleaning spell on himself, before trying to soothe the angry wrinkles on his clothes in an attempt to appear somewhat presentable. He really needed a shower…Rubbing his eyes slowly, he was again interrupted by a firm "tap tap tap", his visitor having surely heard his moving around by now.

"One minute please, I'm coming", the sound of his grating broken voice startled him more than he would have admitted. He just didn't use it a lot these days. This was his first visitor in around two months after all.

At least Moonstone was quite content with his daily murmuring… his soft words, always delivered under his breath, being enough to get him a cuddle from her every time. He hoped she hadn't been spooked by the knocking… she tended to be spooked by a lot of things; cats were weird like that. 

Finally on his feet, he dragged himself toward the door, using the walls to help him along the way. The unpleasant creaking of his front door made him grimace again – it was fitting somehow though. 

And it was then that Severus got his second startle of the day.

"What are you doing here?", he asked bluntly, bewildered by the identity of his visitor. He knew he shouldn't have agreed to letting him know where he lived.

"Hello to you too Snape, I see that you're as pleasant as ever," replied the stupid man, smiling like the idiot he was. 

"Don't fuck around Black, what are you doing at my house?"

"And here I thought we were pals, why are you hurting me this way?"

Taking his nose between two fingers in exasperation, Severus just took a side step, freeing the other's path into the house in a silent – if somewhat still hostile – gesture of invitation.

"Thanks! You took ages to open the fucking door Snape, I was starting to think that you didn't want to see me!"

Severus summoned all the strength he was still capable of before closing the door behind him. This was going to be a very long afternoon.

"Do you want some tea Black?" Severus asked, feeling compelled to play host despite himself.

"Why not? The one you offered me last time was quite good, I wouldn't say no to a bit more of that!"

"Tea it is – just sit down and don't touch anything."

Severus let his guest sit on the sofa he had just vacated to go make some tea in his derelict kitchen. It gave him a little time to process what was happening. Sirius fucking Black was waiting for some tea in his living room and he was actually making it. Surely the world couldn't take such a thing? 

That surreal road-trip to St Mungo some months ago had definitely shook the laws of the universe. Him and Black… what was this new thing between them? Severus knew that it wasn't exactly friendship, but it definitely wasn't the animosity of their past either. It was… something else, something like the sense of belonging that soldiers felt in each other when they had fought a war on the same side. 

Something that wasn't the loneliness that had been permeating Severus's entire life, the loneliness that seemed only to grow with his physical weakness those last few years, gnarling at his tarnished soul a little more each day, living that raising despair in its wake that was becoming unbearable lately. And everything that wasn't that was welcomed, even if it was in a Sirius Black shape of all things. Anything that didn't make him feel like the world had definitely abandoned him after he had tried so hard to save it, anything like that was nice – underserved since he was the one trying to destroy it in the first place, but nice. He didn't have enough will to protect anything of himself at this point, to do the right thing, he would take nice against painful any day.  He didn't have any pride left anyway.

When he got back in the living room, Black was busy petting a furiously purring Moonstone. The cat was on the man's lap, showing her belly shamelessly. What a furry little traitor. Severus remembered then that she had acted the same way the last time too… He had apparently rescued the only cat in the world who was fond of stupid mutts – lucky him. 

Black raised his head at his appearance, using his wand to summon the heavy tray from Severus's shaking hands without a word. It landed softly on the coffee table, not a drop falling outside the teapot, which was quite impressive from an unsubtle grunt like Black.

"Your cat is the cutest thing I've ever seen Snape, I swear, how did you endup with this fine specimen?"

"I found her," replied Severus, quite defensively. It made Black laugh for some reason.

"Well, she's adorable… if a little clingy."

"She's not clingy. She just seems to have horrible tastes in human beings," said Severus, including himself mentally in the statement.

Severus sat on the battered armchair, offering a cup of tea to his unexpected guest. 

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Sirius was once again walking briskly through the depressing streets around Spinner's End, trying to reach the little hiding spot he had been using as an apparition point for weeks now. He really didn't like this neighbourhood, he felt like every person he passed on the dirty streets were out to mug him, or worse. 

He couldn't believe he had been going to visit Snape at least twice a week for more than two months now. And the other man had let him in every time, to Sirius's surprise. Oh, he did protest a little at first, using the same old insults in a new way that seemed to take the worst of the bite from them. It was somewhat the state of their new relationship. They still did the old things, the name-calling, the mocking, the insults, but everything turned into a sort of warm banter that was way more companionship than sworn enemies. Sirius certainly was still completely baffled by it. So out of his comfort zone that he hadn't told anyone so far that he had been visiting Snape. Not even Harry… He wouldn't have known what to say really.

Turing left for the last time, Sirius finally reached the spot he had been walking towards. Looking around to be sure no muggle could see him, he took his wand from his pocket, frowning a little when it came out with a clump of dark fur – that damn cat! – before apparating directly into his flat. 

Compared to Snape's, his home looked like that of a Prince – which was somewhat ironic now that he knew a little more about Snape's family. But despite the cleanliness, the costly furniture and equipment, despite all the stuff cluttering his nice and cosy home, it still felt lonely after an entire afternoon spent on Snape's uncomfortable sofa, just talking with the prickly git.

Sirius knew that he ought to apologize to the man for some things… he had tried a few times but in the end he didn't find the words that would have fitted their new found dynamic. They just didn't seem to have that type of relationship.

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It was around seven months after the initial disastrous road-trip, fourth months after his first afternoon tea with Snape, and Sirius found himself in front of that dingy front door once again, having fell into a Monday-Thursday-and-sometimes-even-Saturdays routine at this point.

Except that today the git was taking a very long time to answer the door. 

At first, Sirius had shrugged it off, trying to make his knocking more insistent. After all, Snape sometimes fell asleep unexpectedly and it could take him a while to wake up and make his painful way towards the door. Sirius still remembered that first time, when he had been about to renounce when the door had finally creaked open, revealing a very rough-looking Snape behind. He had smelled a little rough too that day but Sirius had not commented on it. Now that he was thinking about it, his host had always seemed at least somewhat cleaner after that, if still rumpled around the edges. Sirius chose to think that it was because their new little arrangement was as beneficial to Severus's health as it was to his own. He knew he wasn't so far off, why else would the other man let him keep this up?

Knocking again impatiently, Sirius began to frown. It was getting ridiculous now, what was Snape doing? Taking matters into his own hands, Sirius knocked again loudly, adding for good measure:

"Snape, get your skinny, ugly arse to the door! It's freezing outside!"

When five minutes had passed and still nothing happened, Sirius started to worry. Severus had not been well in a long time and Sirius knew, even if they never talked about it – Hell, he didn't even know exactly what was wrong with him – that it was serious.

That's when he heard Moonstone. She was mewling behind the door in a distressed sort of way that he hadn't heard from her before. Really alarmed now, Sirius didn't think, he took his wand out of his pocket – thanks Merlin he was now included in the wards – and simply vanished the front door, immediately being greeted by what looked like a very distressed cat indeed.

Sirius took her with one arm, immediately petting her against his chest, enjoying her warm little body. 

"Where is your human little cat?" he asked her softly, looking around for Severus.

The man wasn't in the living room, the sofa was empty and the room cold and dark. The kitchen was the same and Sirius didn't waste any time before revealing the hidden-staircase and running upstairs, his throat constricting painfully. Please please please.

The bedroom's door was ajar and Sirius let go of the wrangling cat when he saw that Severus was lying on his bed, pale and shaking, breathing heavily with his eyes closed too hard for it to be only with sleep. 

"Snape!" called Sirius while entering the room hastily, kneeling by the bed, not knowing what to do. 

When the lying man didn't answer, he touched his shoulder lightly. Snape was wearing a horrible grey nightshirt that was now twisted around his legs tightly, immobilizing him in what looked like a very uncomfortable way. He was drenched in sick-smelling sweat. He didn't react to Sirius's touch, apparently in the throw of some painful episode.

"Severus, please wake up!" repeated Sirius while shaking his friend a little more forcefully.

Snape's eyes shot open, before closing again, accompanied by a pitiful whimper. He shook his head slowly, as if to convey to Sirius to just let him be. Well, Sirius wasn't going to abandon him like that. 

"Severus, please, tell me what's wrong?"

Snape's eyes opened slowly again, and Sirius was soon enthralled in the dark gaze he had once thought was empty. Sirius couldn't count the number of emotions he could now read in the other's eyes. Pain first, and despair, and sticky distress that smelled like someone in the process of giving up for good. But also "sorry" somehow, and "please go" coupled with a strong involuntary "don't leave me alone". 

Understanding now that Snape was not just in too much pain to reach the door as he had been on a few past occasions, but that something was really wrong with him, Sirius didn't waste another minute. He took his thick outer-cloak off and hastily wrapped the thin man in it, atrocious nightshirt and all. Lifting him off the bed, he took him outside the house's wards, quickly transfigured the bin's lid into a basic replacement-door to keep Moosntone in until he could go back for her, and immediately apparated to St Mungo, hoping that the risk of it was worth it.