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#I’m already terrified to drive and I’m teeeified to make mistakes on top of that and it’s just getting yelled at like that after really jusr
kanekis-centipede
·
2 years
Text
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#had a real and scary panic attack after driving yesterday
#it s like I feigned confidence and I could drive perfectly fine before but I took a little break without driving and boom
#I’m reminded of how fucjing seriously debilitating my anxiety can be
#and my sister was yelling at me the whole time
#and when I parked she just started lecturing me the entire time of everything I did wrong and I couldn’t stop myself from crying
#and then suddenly I couldn’t fucking breathe man it was fucking terrifying
#I’m so so so tired of just living in fear man it sucks so bad
#why can’t I just be normal why can’t I just not have trauma why can’t I just not have any mental illnesses
#why can’t I just live my life without any baggage this fucjing sucks so much
#I’m so scared to drive I’m so scared to stand up for myself and explain to her that her yelling isn’t helping me at all
#I’m already terrified to drive and I’m teeeified to make mistakes on top of that and it’s just getting yelled at like that after really jusr
#confirmed my fears with making mistakes and now I feel like that terrified child again and I’m regressing
#and it’s like all these months of uplifting myself can just get fucked by one fuck up? I hate feeling this way and I know I just need more
#time to process and reverse the negative thoughts I have of myself
#but until I get that time I feel so sucky
#I haven’t thought of killing myself in fucjing forever !!!!!!!! and here I am feeling the same way
#but I drove man all the way and I parked
#so I’m still proud of myself
#I cant give up after one fuck up I can’t
#but it’s just the pain is real and I feel like if I was anybody else I wouldn’t be having such an overwhelming reaction for making mistakes
#while driving or for anything really but I’m me and the child living in me was hurt and punished and abused
#and having this level of a fear of making mistakes might’ve been a learned reaction because of the consequences
#but I want to comfort her and nurture her and heal her and get out of this survival mode and take criticism with stride
#instead of having a breakdown over it
#and withdrawing back into myself because that’s where I feel safe
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