#I’m lowkey so incredibly terrified to be up north and have to be a person and wear clothes and go outside and meet people and be real

[milo-is-rambling]

I FOLDED ALL MY CLEAN LAUNDRY 💪💪💪

[musicallisto]

hello! i’d love to request a 🍨 for pb and got if possible. i’m she/her; bi; slytherin; september virgo; infp; 4w5. i’m 5’5”, slim build and fair-skinned with dark brown hair and the same colour eyes. as for my personality, i can be quite cold and reserved when i first meet people (which doesn’t really come out online) and i have a hard time trusting anyone new, but i truly love those closest to me. i use sarcasm 90% of the time and love teasing people but my intentions have nothing to do with hurting anyone. i subconsciously use laughter as a defence mechanism and i hate it. i’m lowkey a rebel which is just a nicer word for family disappointment. i have intense mood swings which i cope with by bottling up my emotions. i’d rather listen to people’s problems than talk about my own. despite the cold exterior, i can be soft and kind, and i believe in freedom and equality. i’m ambitious and love learning but not in the way school is trying to force me to - ew. my hobbies include reading books 24/7, writing (much less of the time, but hey, i still get around to it every once in a while) and watching tv shows. i’m also a cinephile and you can trust me with a list of recommendations for your next movie night.

i do hope this is enough; thank you very much fren xx

here’s your vanilla milkshake, Réka, and thank you for your patience! I think you would be amazing with these two incredible women - sansa stark and ada shelby!

You had been Sansa’s friend for as long as you could remember.

Social differences didn’t matter in the North as much as they did in the South, especially because the Lords of Winterfell had always been close to their people.

So despite the fact that she was highborn and proudly bore the name of the Starks, and you were a tanner’s daughter from Winterfell, your friendship with Sansa had never been frowned upon.

Especially since Ned clearly saw how much fun his daughter had with you. You were the only person she could be seen getting a little muddy and mischievous with. You weren’t true troublemakers, of course, especially not since Arya was the point of reference... but you had your moments of mindless fun.

Being best friends with Sansa was effortless; you hadn’t had to warm up to her, because you had always been close confidantes to one another. She understood everything about you, even when you didn’t say a word...

... but during your teenage years, when you both came of age and other townsfolk your age started discussing boys and flings, a pang of desire started to blossom inside of you and course through your veins.

Maybe you wanted more than to simply be Sansa’s best friend, after all.

Maybe there was more to the way you found yourself staring into her deep, blue eyes like they were the only color worthy of attention...

When Sansa announces that she is to leave for King’s Landing and marry Joffrey, you get into a pretty heated argument, the first you’ve had in more than ten years of friendship.

Part of you is reasonably upset that she kept a news so important a secret from you for so long; and another part of you is mortified and furious at the idea of her going to the capital and becoming Queen to the arm of a petty little brute as snotty as Joffrey Baratheon...

... when she could have stayed at Winterfell and, perhaps, one day, have made you Lady right alongside her.

You’d been bottling up your feelings for her for quite a while and didn’t know how to deal with them - terrified of rejection, but also of not acting out on them and lose her to another... and when she told you she would be leaving, it was like both nightmares coming true at once. There was no use anymore in snarky side remarks, and you exploded from sheer frustration and fright.

Obviously, she couldn’t possibly comprehend why you were so mad about her not telling you all about her family business - which was more about political affairs, anyway -, so you couldn’t sort out your disagreement,

and gave each other the cold shoulder for a few days.

Until the last night before her departure for the South with her father, where you snuck into the castle courtyard to say your farewells and bid her well - fearing you would not be able to if front of everyone on the following morning

And when she came down to meet you with a frown on her heavenly face, the words escaped your mouth before you could control them; they had been a long time coming, but at least they were out and you would not have to carry your secret to the tomb.

And she wanted to get mad at you for getting on your high horse and blowing up when you could have just as easily told her the truth...

... but she’s so elated that her feelings are reciprocated

... that even if she’s leaving for a place of appearances and to be auctioned off to the highest bidder, at least she knows there exists someone outside of her family who sincerely loves her and will always care for her

... and that there exists a world in which you love her and she loves you and that she just happens to live in this world

... that she just kissed you underneath the moonlight, desperate to get a taste of the last element of realness and familiarity that she’d keep to memory.

Of course, going to the capital and to Court had always been her biggest dream, but when she held you in her arms, she wasn’t so sure anymore it was worth leaving you behind.

“So you’re still going?”

“I have to.”

“I wish I could go with you.”

“I’ll be back. I promise I’ll do what it takes to return to the North and find you again.”

A Stark always followed through with their promises; that much you knew.

Ada and you are passionate about the same things, namely freedom and equality, which makes it easy for you two to hit it off.

You meet at a communist rally, where you’re instantly impressed by and drawn to her strong voice and stronger convictions. She doesn’t talk excessively, but isn’t unafraid to make her voice heard and opinions known.

From your very first meeting, you get a glimpse of how utterly devoted and dedicated to the cause Ada is, and that is even before recognizing her as a Shelby. Though you should have figured earlier - there aren’t many people, especially not women in Birmingham, who would talk so freely and pit herself against the men.

It makes her all the more attractive to you.

Still, you don’t develop a relationship of any kind until long after you met - but she’s a regular at communist rallies and actions for the party, as are you. You end up crossing paths quite often.

She’s an incredible orator, and is brazen enough not to be intimidated by the stares of every passerby when she must deliver passionate speeches about the progressive radicality of your movement. You realize you make an excellent pair - you’re a skilled writer who can move even the most disbelieving of men with your words, and she can blow life into them like no other.

So you write her speeches and she delivers your ideas to the whole world when you’re too insecure to do it.

And you progressively fall more and more in love with her, with how confident and blunt and daring she is.

She loves how well-read you are, too, and she tells you often the world would be a better place if it were filled with women like you, bright and selfless, not these greedy, idiot men who tear each other apart in pointless wars...

You relate so much to the experience of being perceived as a rebel simply for being a family outcast, it’s another bonding point between the two of you.

You don’t necessarily display a lot of affection when you’re together - partly because your relationship would cause quite the scandal if it came to light, but mostly because it’s just not your type.

You both can be quite swept up by the passion, especially when you're still on the adrenaline high from a chase from the cops or one of those Shelby businesses, which will often culminate in breathless, frenzied kisses in an alleyway...

... but the rest of the time, you’re more about sarcastic comments and a little bit of “tough love”.

Though you are fascinated by the relatively modern invention that is cinema in Birmingham, and on the rare occasion you have time and peace of mind enough to go to the “moving pictures”, Ada will, of course, come with...

... and it will most likely include sneaking into the projectionist’s room, a friend of yours from the party, and making out in there for most of the duration of the film.

800 follower sleepover CLOSED!

[dillydedalus]

november reading

how is it november. anyway i mainly descended into asoiaf hell again but there’s some other stuff!

hugo long list anthology vol. 3, lots of people anthology of the hugo long list for sff short stories - like most anthologies, it’s a mixed bag; i skipped a few stories, found a lot fine, liked quite a few (especially those by ursula vernon, sarah pinsker, p. djeli clark & theodora goss). this tends more towards scifi than fantasy, but i generally preferred the more fantasy-ish ones. 2.5/5

heimat: a german family album, nora krug collage-style graphic memoir about krug’s relationship to german identity after moving to the us and marrying a jewish man, focusing on her research into her family history and her grandparents’ actions during the holocaust, collecting images, documents, letters, statements from other family members, etc etc. the collage style is impressively well-done & her use of documents is especially excellent. 4/5

die untalentierte lügnerin, eva schmidt a german book prize nominee about a young woman in austria going thru a personal & familial crisis after dropping out of acting school. it’s intentionally really detached & isolating (e.g. there is absolutely no direct speech/thought in the entire book) but (unintentionally?) also quite boring. the creepy supportive-but-boundary-breaking stepfather is well done. 2/5

a game of thrones, george r. r. martin (#1 asoiaf) y’all.... i missed this series. i know i’m always lowkey obsessed, but reading the books really is a whole ‘nother thing and there are beats that get me in the heart every time (& every time there are beats that feel completely new) & every time i read agot i suddenly and painfully remember how much i love ned & how good he is & how sad. gods. also i want to take everyone who thinks asoiaf is all about being grimdark & edgy & cynical & ‘honourable = dumb’ and shake them like that’s not what they’re saying! littlefinger thinks like that, cersei, tywin and varys. we’re not meant to side with them! we’re meant to side with ned, who is honourable & chooses ‘the madness of mercy’, even if it kills him, which it does. 4.5/5

cosmicomics, italo calvino (tr. from italian by william weaver) honestly this is so hard to describe but it’s basically short stories about the genesis of the universe, the development of earth & life on earth, told from the perspective of a kind of eternal being (called qwfwq i think) who has been around with some other eternal beings with similarly weird names since before there was space, or time, or anything, but these eternal beings also behave & think pretty much like normal humans if they existed on eternal time-scale. it’s really weird & really fun, altho after the 12 stories i was kinda done. also like the gender politics in this are super eyeroll-y so be aware of that i guess. 3/5

a clash of kings, george r. r. martin (#2 asoiaf) i recently saw a poll on r/asoiaf or something about everyone’s fav book in the series & acok came in last, which i kind of understand - between agot & the absolutely epic and intense asos, it kind of looks like just a transitional book, & while both affc & adwd are kind of polarising, they both have really passionate fans BUT i think acok might actually be my personal favourite in the series. almost all the character’s arcs in this are amazing (arya in harrenhal! sansa figuring out how to cope in KL! theon’s whole mess! tyrion as hand! bran’s last chapter making me cry every single time!) and it has the amazing battle of blackwater bay. so anyway: 5/5

the narrow road to the deep north, richard flanagan (uni) UGH. this is a booker winning (for some reason) novel about australian POWs on the death rail, which is not entirely uninteresting & not something i’ve read anything about before but a) the writing is bad, b) flanagan tries really hard to be incredibly profound & it’s not working, c) half the story isn’t even about the POW camp but about our noble self-sacrificial hero dorrigo ‘manly resolve’ evans, who is a serial cheater & in his feelings about his ~true love for his uncle’s wife which like... who cares!!! in retrospect our discussion in class brought out some interesting aspects about the book & especially what we are meant to think about dorrigo evans but i still dislike it. 1.5/5

bad blood: secrets and lies in a silicon valley startup, john carreyrou the absolutely wild story of startup/total scam theranos by the investigative journalist who originally exposed their total scamminess. it’s sad that there’s so little insight into elizabeth holmes (steve jobs reborn/scammer in chief) and her motivation but oh well. my fav scene was elizabeth holmes giving every employee a copy of a coelho book & telling them she was starting a religion. 3/5

emma, jane austen another austen that is both incredibly delightful and incredibly frustrating in a lot of ways, which i think is partially intentional (although the intense classism never really gets challenged, just emma’s flawed way of enacting classism) - emma herself is often frustrating, misguided, arrogant, but her situation is so dismal and stifling, so many people around her so dull and wearying and demanding, that i couldn’t help but feel for her. sure, the romance is a bit #problematique, and the classism is a lot, but i think the heart of this is emma trying to find a way to exist in highbury, recognise that a) jane fairfax is great but b) she doesn’t have to be like jane fairfax, and that a) yes, she is responsible for her father but b) her father doesn’t have to be her whole life, and that she probably should just let poor harriet smith do what she gonna do. 4/5

the need, helen phillips i think what this book (and fever dream) really confirmed for me is that if i ever have kids, my ocd will go into infernal nightmare mode. anyway. this is a pretty good, pretty scary thriller about molly, working at an excavation site that seems to hold a lot of fossils and artefacts that are just a lil wrong, while also being stressed as hell about her two young children. the book opens with a truly terrifying sequence, switching from molly at her job to molly putting the kids to bed and hearing something that sounds a lot like an intruder (but she’s probably just paranoid right???). the rest of the book doesn’t quite live up to that, but it’s still pretty cool. 3/5

a storm of swords (asoiaf #3), grrm this book is just one thing after the other, in a really good way, in that every time something big & huge happens you read the next chapter or two and something else big & huge happens. read for handless & noseless the lannister boys, not one or two but three contenders for top post on r/weddingshaming, the infamous arya burrito, jon snow inventing cunnilingus in a cave, vengeance zombies, the most emosh snowcastle ever, and just. feelings everywhere. 5/5 thank you for my life grrm

exquisite cadavers, meena kandasamy kandasamy’s last novel (when i hit you) is a kinda autofiction-y novel, closely based on her own abusive marriage but also a novel & the fact that much of the reception has focused on her own traumatic experiences rather than as her novel as a work of literature frustrated kandasamy, as she says in the author’s note here, so she decided to write a story and include her commentary on how it relates (& doesn’t) to her own life in the margin. but rather than straightforward explanation, the margin notes, told by meena (herself? the author-persona? something else?) become their own story, often going on tangents only tenuously connected with the ‘main’ story. i love this conceit & i think in parts of this book it works really really well & it’s interesting how each part informs your reading of the other & how to read the margins as someone whose academic training & inclination tend toward death of the author (one of the characters dislikes barthes lol). sadly i don’t think there’s not enough meat to the story-part to make it more than an interesting experiment. 3.5/5

currently read a feast for crows (of course) and a brief history of seven killings which is... a bit of a slog to be honest sorry :(

[brokenhayatim]

the projectionist

[now playing: the projectionist & north by sleeping at last]

this has been a long time coming but i couldn’t put my words to paper screen.

when hands are tied and clocks are ticking an audience convinced: we’re leaning in  holding our breath again

i can’t wait to go back to my place. i used to say that a lot, not out of spite or rudeness but because i genuinely couldn’t wait to be back to my own calm. its hit me now how i’ll no longer have that. and i wish i could feel finally sad or even say i’m still overwhelmed and confused, but it’s this sense of somber longing i guess. longing to keep something so good and somber at the reality that i just..won’t have that soon. i began calling this place home years ago and not because of the state (please, i would’ve anywhere but this state if not for the people i’ve met here) but because it’s my home. i more than just studied here, i built a fresh start, a life here. and i feel like i won’t have that again. is this what people feel like when they move out of their home of like 14 years that they raised 4 children and adopted 3 dogs in. it’s more tough than i thought, you know. every lease i’ve signed (shaking bc commitment may i add) i’ve always know i would be here the next, even though not in the same place and living with the same people, i’d still be here. i get emotional and nostalgic thinking of my former places every time i move, and i still think back to my first. i remember moments so vividly and what the apartment looked like from every square inch. but this is different. i moved an entire state away, essentially to be alone, and i love it. i love that i don’t depend on people for the simple things and less for the difficult things. i love that i have a routine. i like that i come home and i’m alone (roommates, i know, but it’s different). i go to the grocery store alone, i’ve learned the way and i’ve walked. i like that i could walk to target and walgreens, because i’ve learned the way. i like that i don’t have to depend on driving especially, i take a few ubers but even then, i’m comfortable doing that. something new york asiya would never have been. i go for mri’s alone. i walk to uni alone and back (except when i take the bus bc gurl i would sweat). i go the airport and fly alone, something i’ve loved. don’t get me wrong i love my siblings and miss them dearly but that’s what visits are for, and we have those every few months. no one has also came to visit me except my sister twice, and would i really want them too..i don’t know. **to expand on that first time at a later date** but now my brain is like ‘come. see the life i’ve made for myself. i want to show you all i’ve built’.

we'll tell our stories on these walls. every year, measure how tall and just like a work of art we'll tell our stories on these walls

i’m not ready for so many unknowns. where will i live soon? how many jobs will i have to apply for and which ones? even simplest things like where will i do my laundry? i’ve babbled about this but i’m so incredibly grateful for the apartments that i’ve had with amenities. my sisters are always shocked to know how i live at such a small price, but student housing [chef’s kiss]. but things like central ac and in home laundry, i’ve never thought of that, but new york i’ll have to. i’ll probs have to buy my room ac and walk for laundry if i live in the city. i can’t imagine i’d get a graphic design job or something similar anywhere near where i live, so the city i shall be. how far will i have to go to the store? what may happen on the way? i’ve sometimes worried about walking to the store here, mostly when they have kidnappers on the loose, but i always feel more safe than not. i walk 20/30 mins to target and walgreens on foot on the side of the main road and i’ve taken public transportation too. story on that, i told my first roommate how to get to the store from the bus and she was terrified so i went with her and she was like ...i can’t do this alone, i’ll just call a car. would new york asiya have done that too? probably not. because florida me is more independent (idk if bold or courageous is the word) and probs just a little crazy. ubers also are way more expensive in new york, just to add on that. i’ve taken the subway and train alone in new york and have walked blocks alone around nyu and parks. i know new york well, where i live and a bit of the city, but it’s not the same. my dream would be like keeping what i have here and copy and pasting it into the state of new york. i’ve always been and felt like a new yorker here, not once a floridian. i definitely don’t even do that school pride thing, some people actually never knew where i went to college. new york is also home for me, but it’s like my baby home. sometimes i think i was genuinely crazy coming here alone and not even knowing anything about the state nor ever seeing the university. but it was the best thing. i’m always depressed, yes, and i hate people, yes. but despite all of me being a constant emotional tragedy, i really love what i have here. it’s my own. i’ve become that person that tells you directions or tells you where to get what where. and now i’ll have to go back to someone that has to ask 89 questions and gets lost 14 times. ah, but if only i was rich and i could have it all. 

so we’re leaving,  we’re leaving our shadows behind us now we’re leaving, we’re leaving it all behind for now

i can’t wait to go back to my place. i’ll no longer have a home to run off to for months when i don’t feel right. i’ve actually booked flights earlier than i and my family planned/expected just to jet sometimes. i always come back with my suitcase(s) and feel at home walking into my place. i know, inshallah, i’ll have that again in new york or wherever i am, but i HATE CHANGE. its such a big shift that i’m like..can we do baby steps?? i haven’t even been avoiding it for months, i’ve genuinely forgotten until like march when i had to decide on graduation stuff. and now i’ve opened my suitcase and feel like i’m doing my my clothes wrong by putting them in a suitcase to travel a state away and not a few streets. my 3 apartments have essentially been in between two streets, you see one, turn right and drive down, there’s another, turn left and then another left, drive down the road and there’s my current one, which is about two minutes from the first if you drive up a little down. it’s legit a square..but irrelevant. i know i can always come back to visit, but it won’t be the same. my social interaction meter already runs out in like 24 hours as it is then i need to come back home, imagine if i have to stay at someone’s house for like 3 days, lord. i don’t really know if it’s leaving that’s unsettling or going back knowing i won’t be fully alone from people that know me. 

(not so) tangent I: i always daydreamed of traveling to another state and getting a place there. my friend is thinking of coming from germany to practice dentistry here and we could find a place together. i know moving half way across the world for someone seems like a terrible idea, and i’ve lowkey done that coming here between states, but almost seven years of adoring each other’s existence makes you mushy and a little crazy. i feel like i’ll be awkward living with friends bc i’m such a loner, but who knows. the only thing getting her through these months of her final year in dentistry school is this idea and we’ve said inshallah every other week basically so inshallah, if it’s best for us. wild also that i knew her before she even started uni, way before she started dentistry school, like damn i hadn’t realized it’s been that long. 

ACTUAL tangent part II: late 2020/2021 was gonna be my planned travel year. rose was gonna have her dentistry school graduation in february so i was gonna go with more bouquets than my hands could hold. but before that i really wanted to see noor in like late december/january (shoutout to her getting her license i will never not be proud. am i smiling right now typing this? yes). i would find a way to not die in one of those taxis for this surprise, wait outside in the rain (if the sky allows) and play a neighbourhood song outside her window with my iphone that would get water damage and die, then i would sing it (i memorized the lyrics on the flight over, duh). point is, i wanted to see her first and also in one of the least hottest months bc although i would die for her, i’m not going out from heat stroke. thank you miss covid-19, i must postpone that to 2041. i would say i could move to dubai, but i love wearing black and not like..oh yeah..dying. with germany, (ironically enough where my cousin and i were gonna go, me for uni) i can barely speak english let alone learn another language. i wouldn’t subject anyone to murica so alternative options are encouraged. anyways, it’s like the virus knew i was an absolute loser. and it’s as if i have a bug to just keep hopping on planes to avoid having to deal with myself for more than twelve minutes. additional tangent, sometimes i think about how i’ve known noor for five years and like four of those years, we’ve spoken like every day..like how the hell do we do this??? we’ve exhausted every topic humanly possible and still find something new. imagine if we met and it was just [crickets] jhfghfg. i would say we share a braincell and she has it, but i feel like she has five at least. i always have the same tangent topic that literally should just be it’s own solo post..ANYWAYS. 

let the years we're here be kind, be kind let our hearts, like doors, open wide, open wide settle our bones like wood over time, over time

i’m gonna continue this later bc the tangent sent my mind in a whole different direction ,, what are thoughts