#I'll take a break for now bcs jfc that was so much work

[artemislosthunter]

just spend the past four hours moving the inside of my closet and I'm only halfway done someone send help

[dampsleeves]

life update :3 (a little vent-y)

sooo, been over 200 days since the house caught fire and we had to move. obviously, a lot of stuff's been happening. can't go into deep details for fear of someone I don't want to find this, finding this, but I'll say this much: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've very rarely mentioned family on here (for obvious reasons - this account is NOT made for that lol) but here goes. tw for pretty heavy topics: mentions of abuse, father issues, health issues, transphobia & financial issues. I turned 18 Feb 21st, literally just almost 2 months before the damn house caught fire. Meanwhile, my brother's still a minor. MEANING, I narrowly escaped the custody battle my mom & dad are in. But unfortunately, he's still stuck in the middle of it. :( My pops was not really the nicest person to me when I was a kid -

whooping my ass whenever I did anything wrong, no matter how minor the offense was.

Telling me that he loved God more than he loved me, because "You're God's gift to me. God is the one who gave you to me in the first place," when I was four.

Telling me that if I didn't start being ok with receiving physical affection from family - which he knew made me uncomfortable - I was "going to grow up to be a S3R1AL K1LL3R" (yes he said that.)

Telling me that "God doesn't make mistakes," and that he "made me into a beautiful young woman for a reason" after I came out to him personally at 14 - big mistake 0/10 stars, would never do again. You get the idea. And those are the tame examples I could think of. So, I finally cut him off. As soon as my mom, brother, & I were in our new place, I blocked his number and haven't talked to him since. I was sick of him not respecting my boundaries, and repeatedly demonstrating that he thought of me as nothing more than a possession. Tired of him making me feel crazy all the time too. But now he's fucking with my mom & brother. Intentionally not paying child support till the last minute possible - & then making it in as small of payments at a time as he possibly can (yes he can afford it btw.) Trying to force my brother to go over to his place, even when my brother does NOT want to - which has begun giving my brother psychological issues & issues with school, mirroring the ones I used to struggle with bc of that bastard. My mom is juggling all sorts of things, & I really at least wanna try to help financially by getting a job, but I can't yet because: she says that I'm only 18, & shouldn't have to get a job to help out (I disagree.) I don't have an ID bc she wants me to wait on my legal name change - which costs a pretty decent chunk of change - reason is bc she "wants me to have as easy an early adulthood life as possible" (love her.) AND, I haven't actually graduated - No, I dipped in 11th bc school was hell (not exaggerating,) & instead just decided to pursue a GED, that I haven't been able to work towards bc of the shit show that is life in midwestern america. So I've been very depressed, exhausted, & hopeless. The least I can do is clean up our house while she's at work, & get this - some days I don't even have the physical energy to do THAT! I do not know what the hell is wrong with my body currently, but it absolutely sucks. & I'm really tired of just taking up space all the time. She's dealing with health issues too, & I'm always worried ab her. Idk what the hell to do, but something's gotta give. Everybody needs a fucking break. I keep trying to shoo away all the dark thoughts, push myself as often as possible, & keep my fingers crossed, but jfc... Sorry just needed to yell into the void for a sec. I'll live, I'm sure - I've survived worse. Sometimes things just suck. But I like to think that someday they won't. :,)

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Friday, February 23rd, 2024!

7:55am: I slept for so long and woke up with no alarms this morning :) feels amazing. Still had a huge orange chunk come out of my nose but it's less than before, I just don't know when it will stop lol (I literally had to get up while writing this and do another one). Last night I had to go to sleep unexpectedly early bc I had a milkshake and it made me so bloated omg. I think I'm officially at that age where I really can't just be eating anything 😂 of course I can bc I'm an independent woman 💅 but not without The Consequences. Also I just popped my BC in and I'm ready for my period to stop and also for the stomach issues to stop omg it's been rough out here. It really feels like spring break should be today, but the pros to it being next week are that it's one week closer to the end, I won't be on my period at all, and hopefully it will be warmer!! I'm tired of this cold ass weather!!

I feel good today besides the random brain thoughts that I don't particularly want. I need to figure out how to replace those thoughts with ones I do what. This journaling, as much ranting as it is, definitely helps me I guess regulate my runaway thoughts. I really want to take a post poop nap though those are the best so ttyl lmao.

10:47am: omg I continued to sleep until 9:50am I don't know how to explain to people how much sleep I really feel like I need. Idk it's probably depression but that's literally ok I'm just doing what I can. I still miss him and that's ok too. I don't really miss him I literally miss just having someone to talk to. But he fucked up and it's his loss, not mine. He lost a genuine person, and I lost a liar who cheats and steals money and nothing he does is genuine, it's all fake to get people to like him so he can use their shit for all it's worth. What's crazy is he's so fake he doesn't even care about these cats after he kept saying he misses them oh boohoo me it's like losing two kids, then blocks me so he'll effectively never fucking see them again. He's literally so fake AF. I take pride knowing I'm not a fake ass bitch and I don't lie to people. Doesn't matter if people believe me or not because I know I'm not lying about anything. If you think I'm lying, you just have something else going on in your life that you have to deal with clearly. This image of them getting on the bike together I think will stay with me for a while, I guess visuals are really my downfall. I know I'm the bigger person bc I literally said yeah y'all are cute together before he stopped speaking to me and everything was chill. It was chill because I made it chill. I made this entire friendship what it was and I'm really convinced of it now tbh. I don't like him, I like me and how I act towards him 😂 I like nice people, aka myself lmao.

If everyone likes me except for you.... Sorry I don't think I'm the problem boo 😘 just a matter of time before he does some more stupid shit I'm sure I'll hear about 🙄

Happy Friday!!

1:02pm ate my ramen leftovers and my boss is buying me CFA Cobb salad for work later :') people are awesome ❤️

10:09pm: JFC my feet hurt like hell. I wish I had a guy to rub my feet fr but one day lol. I just realized he didn't block me on sc so I could technically add him back whenever, I wonder if he's waiting for me to do that?? Hmmmm he's such a narcissist it's wild, plus the whole posting at me when I'm technically blocked on ig is actually crazy af. I bet $200 if he adds me back on ig that post will magically be gone or the caption would change. He's so petty and acts like a little bitch. Literally can't relate 💀

11:40pm: finished my law assignment and I'm so tired I think I'll eat my salad leftovers and literally pass out. My eyes are literally burning.

I really just be out here gaslighting tf outta myself. I'm sitting here like wowza I wish I had "guy" to vibe w me after getting done with my hw.... But it's been so long it's funny that I forget, that man in particular would NOT want to chill with me after I'm finished with my hw!! Name literally one time when he ever fucking did that?? Literally he never fucking did. I'm so gaslighting myself into thinking we'd be doing anything rn, he would've pissed me off all night and then would probably be asleep rn. There would not be random drive thru trips bc he's on a lame ass diet and won't stfu about it and there wouldn't be cuddling bc he would've pissed me off the entire afternoon sitting on his ass making fucking messes instead of contributing anything ever to the home we share and it would infuriate me!! That's not attractive 🙄 so yeah gaslighting tf out of myself to think that would be happening 🤣 it's been so long I forget how exhausting that bullshit was!! Don't go back sis you literally hated it!! Wack AF and manipulative tbh.

One day, there will be a man, he will rub my feet when I get off work, even better he'll see the insides of my shoes, know that I'm too busy/ADHD to remember to get insoles, and would surprise me with new insoles for my shoes ❤️ that's what care and love looks like. We will have a cute snack and then probably fuck before bed bc we are both grown and not scared of a little period fr, and he would get me a towel and draw up a shower for me afterwards and I'd come back into the clean bedroom with no dirty shit on the floor and get into my made bed and snuggle with the real love of my life who loves and respects me 🥰 manifesting lol 💕

[mrskurono]

“It’s not even waka”

Yeah, I definitely noticed that too. It’s like rather than writing for him specifically a lot of people just take their cues from popular writers in other fandoms and apply that to Beni, even if it doesn’t necessarily mesh with his character, and you know I actually JUST read a different post talking about this kind of thing. OP was asked what trends they thought were negatively impacting the writing community and they said it’s the overarching vibe of a lack of sincerity that focuses more on what will get them notes rather than creating content from a genuine place of enjoyment. And while I definitely understand the desire to be popular or wanting to be THE blog people point new fans to for content, I think it absolutely has the effect of making everything feel derivative. Redundant even. Like, when I go in search of fic for a certain character I want THAT character and not just a cardboard cutout with their name attached to it, you know?

And I liked Beni a lot too so I wasn’t even all that annoyed with it when I first started looking into FF content but then I got soured real fast when it was basically the same fic over and over again … and I’d read the exact same thing in five other fandoms. 😂 Of course none of this is to say I’m a perfect writer or that everything I churn out is 100% unique, never seen before, hot off the presses breaking news level shit buuuuuuut I generally do try my best to put my own spin on things while staying as true to the character as possible.

Like, okay, here’s another example (as if I haven’t said enough already cjemxkakdk) Dr Stone doesn’t get a whole lot of content to begin with and I’ve all but given up on reading self insert stuff from other creators because a lot of them take their cues from popular tropes in other fandoms, like being sexually aggressive or demanding, hard dom shit, and then apply it to Senkuu and it just doesn’t feel right. It’s very much a cookie cutter fill in with his name on it and it’s like … just because it works for Bakugou that doesn’t mean it’s going to work for everyone else. 😂

None of this is meant to be discouraging, mind you, I would absolutely LOVE to see these writers grow into their own and create stellar content that knocks me out of my socks but I don’t see that happening as long as there’s so much focus on writing what’s popular rather than what you love. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense or if it comes off contradictory, I just want to see more passion for the individual characters themselves rather than all this copy paste popular thing + popular thing, especially since I think that’s what leads to a LOT of the plagiarism we see in fandom spaces? Anyway I’ll shut up now. 😅

This is a hot button topic constantly on my blog bc character depiction is so important to me. Mostly the reason I actually write. Dissecting a character, adapting their tonality and voice to different situations and as a whole maintaining the original authors idea of the character is super fucking important to me. As a fanfic author making things believable to said character has always been my idea of a "good fic" Because frankly I want people to read my works and either hear that characters voice or vividly picture said character doing just that. And I'll be honest in my 10+ years in fandom spaces, things have heavily gone downhill since tik tok.

Like take the time to think about a character. Jfc if you're a writer the LEAST you can do is fucking do a character analysis on your favs (why are they your favs if you're not thinking about how they act and talk??). That's the hole point of writing???? And yet??? Y'all are just playing fucking mad libs with the same theme/kink over and over again??

'm sorry I'm a salty old tired fanfic writer who hates 90% of fanfics lets be honest. There's a reason I won't read fanfics. I don't like them. And especially not anymore. If you're gonna be untrue to a character just to get notes or cram them into your kink then I'm just not interested. Every fic I read feels plagiarized and like I've seen it on twenty other blogs. RIP I'll just keep writing for myself since everyone seems to share one braincell and it's depressing at times.

[sword--heart--online]

Oh my fuck I'm so done. One month, one month ago I was so grateful and optimistic about this new job, but every day it's been one shitshow after another and no one seems to care that I can't get any work done. I wouldn't care either except that I'm new, and the noob is always the scapegoat, so whose fault is it going to be that customers don't get their prints? Not the machines, not the techs, mine. Still a good thing I haven't replaced my 25 year old car that's falling apart because I probably won't get to this year (or even next year) either!!

Meanwhile, my mother has serious problems of her own but doesn't want to take any steps to fix them, she just wants someone to tell her "that's rough buddy." She quit therapy and wonders why she's still having mental breakdowns. idk, maybe because you won't help yourself like the therapist (and I) suggested? Then she bitches at me when I offer my input. "Could you not argue with me?" Fine then, next time I'll just nod and not pay so much attention if you don't want my help. I want to tear my hair out.

Meanwhile again, the cat I've fought so hard to keep and won -- thanks to this new job sealing the deal -- keeps staying out all night, worrying me to death. I suppose one day he just won't come back, and that's more money I've wasted on cats I can't keep. Story of my goddamn life.

I hate my life, I thought things were looking up but it's just a new version of the same old shit. The only difference is now I'm paid to hate it, and I get out of my shitty house all day, so whatever.

I'm afraid to get on the scale because just as soon as I reached 20 lbs lost last month, I started this job, and it's been so stressful I've hit the sweets hard. I don't want to undo 15 months of hard work. Even though it doesn't matter that much since I give up trying to land a mate. Every fucking day I'm glad I don't have to deal with a useless, lying, cheating partner, not when I've got two severely mentally ill family members and a son (cat) who does whatever the fuck he wants.

And I've got no friends to tell this garbage to, so onto the secret tumblr it goes lmao. I give up on twitter because my one follower doesn't like my posts anymore. I give up on instagram bc my one friend there said she was deactivating and wouldn't DM me there anymore, but she's still quite active with posting her bonkers religious ramblings via photographs. Plus I think she's a Covid denier and anti-vaxxer so uh... yeah, no big loss. And I give up on my "public" tumblr, which has like 3 followers who don't care about me, just the handful of entertaining fandom posts I've made. For fuck's sake, what happened to people wanting to be friends? Does everyone on social media expect everyone else to be content creation machines? Now I know how comedians feel.

This day started out shitty ever since I had a dream I was having sex with my last crush (from 2018, jfc). I woke up thinking nope, my newly-declared ace ass does not want this, and went back to sleep to dream of something a little more pure from my childhood. But I'm still mad about it. I think my sexuality facet is feeling left out since I never include her in picrews (to be fair, she's never around to tell me what she wants out of them), so this is her revenge. Or she's picking fights with her now-ace sister because she gets attention via drama. Presidential alert: the girls are fighting.

God okay. I'm going to read my ""hateful"" gossip forum now (which I was taking a break from bc it got boring, but hopefully something funny happened the past few days) and wait for the sleepy time drugs to kick in. Or maybe I need another dose. Going to work numbed from perfectly legal otc drugs sounds like a plan.