#I'm also the literal devil when it comes to hurt/comfort soooooo

[mad4turtles]

these are so cute!!! if you’re still feeling energized for these… would you want to write some Leo and Raph post-movie? 👉👈

Ask and ye shall receive! <3 Sorry it took so long :0

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The funny thing is, Raph barely remembers.

He remembers, viscerally, how the head Krang (Prime the voices supplied) had dug into his brain, using his own memories against him to hunt down his family. He remembers the searing pain, the terror, the illusion of freedom only to face his failure in the distorted form of his brothers, father and sister, walking corpses that spat hatred and bitterness, screeching “WHY?!” until blissful darkness took him.

He remembers how his shoulder and shell had pulsed with an ache like nothing he'd ever felt, the cold press of the solid tentacle that so easily pierced bone and flesh, his body trembling as he struggled to stay upright, conscious, just a moment longer.

He remembers Leo's face, the terror in his baby brother's eyes, his body curled around the key under Raph's shaking frame. He remembers Leo's quiet voice breathing his name like a prayer, then the muffled screams as Raph's escape pod encased him and shot him into the air—“Raph, wait, no! Wait, Raph! RAPH—!”

He remembers the heartbeats it took for him to get between Leo and the creature hell-bent on killing him—you idiot you JACKASS I told you to GO why don't you LISTEN oh god oh christ Leo Leo LEO NO—the pain of a blade scoring through nerve endings and the sickly warmth of blood dripping down his shoulder—it hurts it hurts I made it he's alive he's okay you're okay little brother I got you I love you I love you take care of the others be safe I love—to the moment the world went dark.

The blurry parts are every moment after. He has... feelings of the time he'd spent as a zombified slave, intents and ideals fed into him like sludge through a straw—the Krang are superior, you are the proof of our might, you will serve us well, squash them, kill it, kill him, KILL HIM—

(He thinks, sometimes, he can still hear it; the sweet nothings of violence the Krang had promised, a seat by the throne built over the bodies of millions, the corpses of his family.)

His left eye saw flashes of what his body was doing, moving to the whim of another, smashing and slicing without restraint, but nothing concrete. 

Not until he had Leo struggling to speak, to breathe with his hand (tentacle) wrapped around his throat. 

That part is crystal clear.

A part of him is glad it is because it brought him back to his senses, back to his family. The other part—watching Leo lower his hands, stop fighting, willing and ready to let Raph kill him—hates it with every fibre in him.

That his little brother's last words to him would be the most heartfelt he's ever said after two years of senseless frustration and quarrel, his last act of submission after years of posturing and arrogance to hide mountains of insecurity...

And then, of course, there was the sacrifice.

Listening to Leo's hollow laugh—“You're one to talk, big bro. Hero moves are totally your style.”—and watching from the ground as the portal closed, more powerless and useless than he's ever been... it broke something in him. 

I told him to step up to be a leader, a hero. I did this.

It hit him like a bus, and he fell to his knees.

I drove my little brother to kill himself.

And then Mikey pulled the fabric of reality apart with his bare hands and pure, untameable love, and they pulled Leo from the brink of death barely in one piece.

And then they go home. The world was saved, and the adventure was over. Fade to black, roll the credits, and happily ever after.

God, I wish.

Because it's been two weeks since then, and Raph remembers. And the piece of him that shattered when Leo shut himself in the prison dimension with a monster lies scattered in his heart like glass shards pricking his chest every time he breathes, every time he looks at Leo still recovering in the infirmary.

The Hamato clan prove their bond by hardly ever leaving Leo alone for longer than a few hours. Splinter soothes him to sleep with Japanese lullabies from their childhood. Mikey and Casey Jr bombard him with videos, memes, drawings and other goofy things to make him smile. Donnie uses him as a soundboard as he rattles off ideas of future projects, his tablet in one hand, his other laced with Leo's in an iron grip. April brings a wheelchair she'd 'sourced', wheeling Leo around at speeds that make Raph nervous until their whooping laughter fills the lair.

Even Draxum stops by to check on Leo's progress, help change bandages or fix stitches, and Leo lets him, more so after the goat Yokai admits in a soft voice they've never associated with the scientist that he's proud. Leo denies his tears, but they all know better.

Raph, meanwhile, does what he can and keeps his distance.

He'd hugged the daylights out of Leo when he first came hurtling through the portal, broken, trembling and terrified. Then the adrenaline wore off, Leo was laid in a bed, and Raph remembered oh, I nearly killed you with my own hands. I sent you to die.

He's as hesitant to touch Leo as he is with anyone coming near his face, his entire right eye a sensitive mess of slowly healing scars. Everyone has noticed, even Draxum, but they leave the can of worms shut for now.

Leo has noticed. And it's funny that after everything Raph put him through, he never flinches when Raph gets too close. If anything, he leans into it as much as he can, and it's Raph who backs away with a stuttering apology.

Raph knows it isn't right. His family assure him day in and out that it wasn't his fault, none of it was, and he believes them, he does. But he remembers how Leo's throat nearly gave under his strength, his hollow laugh and how he thought being a hero meant dying for the world because Raph pushed him too hard, and he falters.

It's the worst thing he could do to Leo right now; avoid him after he nearly died for them, but...

I nearly killed you.

It comes to a head one night, three weeks after the world nearly ended. Raph is laid out on his bed, settling in for the night with a book Draxum had lent him when there's a knock at his door. “C'mon in,” he says, and only after the door slides open does he question why any of his brothers would bother knocking on his door.

“Hey.”

He's ashamed to admit he jumps at Leo's tired voice in the doorway. And he jumps for real when he realizes his bother is standing—well, more leaning against the car door with his wheelchair behind him, his grin lazy and his brow drenched in sweat.

“Freakin'—Leo!” Raph scrambles off his bed, nearly tripping over tangled blankets. “What're you doin'? You're gonna pull a stitch again!”

Leo shrugs. “Wheelchair's cool 'n all, but it's weird if I have to look up and up at you when I'm trying to talk to you.”

Raph slaps a hand over his eyes and groans deep from his chest. “Swear to god, Leo—get in here.”

Leo grins and limps carefully over to Raph's bed, dropping onto the mattress with a sigh of relief. Idiot, Raph thinks half-fond, shutting the door and leaning against the headboard, crossing his arms and offering a smile he hopes doesn't look strained. “So, what's up? Leg actin' up again? Donnie's awful dubstep stuck in your head? If that's the case, bro, I can't help you—”

“Are you mad at me?”

Raph's jaws snap shut. He looks at Leo and—oh.

There's a hollowness in his eyes, resignation in his smile, and that cold, awful feeling in Raph's chest surges anew.

“No, Leo, no,” Raph stands up straight and moves to kneel in front of Leo, putting them at eye-level even as Leo averts his to his lap and twisting, still healing fingers. “I'm not mad at you. Why would I—what made you think I'd ever be—?”

“You're avoiding me,” Leo mutters, tapping his fingers and picking at the Jupiter Jim band-aids Mikey stuck around his knuckles. Raph watches, listens and regrets as Leo's chin wobbles, eyes shining. “You—I mean sure, you're there when I call you or, or when we're watching a movie with the guys or eating dinner, but—you haven't... you haven't looked at me, not really, since I got the all-clear from Barry. You look through me like I'm a ghost or, or something so small that I'll break, or you'll move like you wanna hug me then you stop and I don't—I don't know why.”

When Leo looks up, tears are spilling down his cheeks even as anger, confusion and an aching longing burn like embers in his eyes. Raph almost flinches.

“Didn't I do everything right?” he cries through sniffles and the start of a sob. “I stepped up, I took things seriously and—and I saved you, I saved everyone, I was—I was a hero, right? I mean, that's what you wanted, right? For me to stop acting like a know-it-all little shit who nearly gets his big brother stabbed and the whole world destroyed because of a s-stupid, stupid move, and—“ Leo ducks his head again, banging clenched fists against his skull as his shoulders shake with the force of his tears. “A-and you were right, Raph, you were right, and I, I know I already said I was sorry but please, god, just—tell me what I'm doing wrong, what did I do wrong? Why won't you look at me, why won't you hug me, Raph, I need you, please, just tell me, what did I do—!?”

Raph doesn't tackle Leo like he so desperately wants to—has wanted to for weeks—as his throat closes and his eyes burn. Instead, he reaches for Leo's wrists and pulls his fists away. Leo goes silent, frozen, eyes wide as Raph cups his face between his giant hands. 

The same hands that dealt lethal blows and nearly strangled him. 

The hands that also hoisted Mikey onto his shoulders for piggyback rides, gave punishing noogies that left them gasping with laughter and rubbed shells to soothe him to sleep after another bout of insomnia.

These hands belong to Hamato Raphael, who loves Leonardo more than life. And he'd been a selfish, blind fool to deny his brother an ounce of that out of fear when he needed it more than ever.

“Leonardo,” he says, surprised when his voice doesn't break as his heart did with every word out of his brother's mouth. “I'm not mad. I've never been mad for what you did. Scared outta my goddamn mind? Yeah. Scared that I might hurt you again? Constantly. I know it's stupid because it wasn't me, it was them, but I... I couldn't risk it. I was... I was still scared and messed up.”

He swallows hard. “And I was... I drove you to get yourself killed. I thought you'd hate me for it. I hate myself for it, for everything I did that day. So I stayed away...”

Leo stares. Raph brushes a stray tear from his striped cheek with the pad of his thumb.

“But I had no idea what I was doin' to you by leaving you alone like that,” he admits, nearly ducking his head. He doesn't, because Leo needs to see, not just hear, how much he knows he messed up. “I thought you'd be afraid of me comin' anywhere near you after all that. I had no idea you were lookin' for me, Leo. I didn't know you felt that way. And I'm sorry.”

His right eye stings worse than the left as hot tears fall down his cheeks. He swallows a sob and pulls Leo's face closer until their foreheads meet.

“Leo, I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to push you so far, make you think you had to—to do that to feel worthy of anything. I get frustrated with you when you don't listen to me, or you go off on your own to prove a point, but, god—" He sniffles. "Before you're a hero or a leader, you're my little brother first. I love you, Leonardo. I love you because you're you. Nothin' you do will ever change that.”

Smaller hands clutch his wrists tight enough to bruise. “Even if—” Leo hiccups, “Even if I almost get you killed? Even if I piss you off and never listen and—”

“Even then,” Raph says, pulling back enough to grin at Leo. “Even then. Whether you pull some self-sacrificing bullshit and scare me to death, or you steal the last slice of cake I was saving from the fridge, I'll still love you. And Leo? I'm proud of you. I'll always be proud of you.”

Leo stares at Raph, wide eyes searching for a lie, a trick. There's none, Raph knows, but it twists something in him that Leo would ever think there would be. 

They should've done this a long time ago.

Then Leo's face crumples seconds before he bursts into tears. 

Raph breaks through every boundary and wall he'd made, pulling Leo to the floor with him and finally, finally, wrapping his arms around his little brother, holding him as close and tight as he dares. Leo throws his arms around his neck and squeezes, and it should hurt, would, if Raph were anyone else, but he can take it. He'll take anything, everything, for them.

“I'm—I'm s-so sorry, Raph,” Leo sobs, burying his face into Raph's good shoulder and clinging for all he's worth—so much, Raph thinks, he's worth so much, and he doesn't even see it. “I'm so sorry, I—I didn't mean to, I just—I love you, Raphie, I—I just, I wanted to—”

“Shh, I know, little brother,” Raph hushes, rocking them gently like he used to do when they were small. “I know, and I forgive you. I'm sorry I pushed you away like that. I didn't mean to, but it doesn't change that I did. I'm sorry. And I love you too. Always.”

Leo squeezes tighter. "I forgive you, too," he croaks. "Don't go away again. Jerk."

Raph's chuckle catches on a sob. "Don't worry. I ain't goin' nowhere."

(The shattered pieces in his chest pick themselves up one by one. They're crooked and bent, but they're lined with gold and stronger than ever.

Kintsugi, his mind supplies. Beautiful in its brokenness.)

Eventually, Leo's sobs ebb into sniffles. Raph nuzzles Leo's damp cheek against his and smiles. “I really am proud of you, Leo. But do me a favour?”

Leo sniffs. “Hm?”

“Never pull that shit again, or I will sit on you.”

That startles a watery laugh out of Leo. “That's—pfft—that's the best you can do?”

“Have you seen me, bro? I am a literal tank, I will actually crush you.”

"Fatty."

"Watch it, kid."

Leo giggles tiredly, drying his tears with the tails of Raph's mask. He doesn't let go, and Raph is in no rush to make him even as he grows heavier in Raph's arms, loose-limbed. Raph grins. “Tired?”

“Mm-hm,” Leo mumbles, nuzzling his face into Raph's shoulder. “...m' tired... carry me?”

Raph's sigh would make Drama-tello proud, put-upon as it is, but he stands and takes Leo with him, shifting him in his arms bridal style. He can see how damp Leo's face is, mask drenched with tear tracks, eyes red around the edges and damn, they should have done this much sooner. But they can start now. Raph can make up for it, for everything, now. 

“Where to, Blue?” he asks.

Leo huffs a short laugh at their father's baby names. “My room,” he says. He hesitates, then looks up to meet Raph's eyes. “... stay with me?”

Raph blinks. They have sleepovers all the time having spent most of their childhood sharing beds and rooms. But it's been a while, a long while, since Leo has asked to sleep with Raph. The twins usually seek each other out for comfort first, the rest of the family naturally gravitating afterwards. 

Then again, this is different. And Raph's answer would be the same either way.

He smiles. “Sure thing, little brother.”

(That's how Splinter finds them in the middle of the night during his rounds, squeezed together on Leo's narrow mattress, Raph's massive frame curled around Leo like a protective barrier. He smiles, tucks their blankets over them and presses a kiss to their foreheads. Right before he shuts the door, he sees them smile as they dream.

Nightmares can't touch them. Not with Big Raphie around.

And he always will be, fears and memories be damned.)

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