#I'm having both breakdowns consecutively

[degreeofdisorder]

shrike by hozier is extremely wilmon and i am having several breakdowns about it

[sometime-in-1995]

I'm glad everything's okay now. Ep11's curse was broken. But I feel like the way Tharn & Type reconciled with each other is kinda rushed. EP 11 3/4 made me feel both hell & heaven consecutively.

Type manned up, took the courage and threw all pride and called Tharn to tell him he misses him. That was such a big thing for a person like Type who was so full of pride. But all he got was an "I gotta go." After everything that had happened, and after almost a month of not being able to talk nor see each other. I felt the disappointment and the pain when Type started sobbing. As a viewer, I personally felt the urge of wanting to hug & comfort him as he was breaking down. But I'd probably be as emotional as him.

I just cannot fathom why Tharn said that. It just doesn't make sense 'coz I know he misses Type too.

I hoped since Type was home, he could turn to his parents, his mom specifically and talk about how he've been, vent and tell her his worries, and ask for advice and enlightenment just like how Tharn did. But I guess, it's just how Type is. He grew up independent after living away from his parents. He got used to keeping things to himself and dealing with things by himself because he doesn't want to worry his parents.

When he came back home from thebeach after having an emotional breakdown, his parents were so happy about him getting ordained and he looked like he wanted to talk to them but retreated.

And then the next day, Tharn appeared and hugged Type and told him how he misses him.

Tharn & Type have always been a physical/sensory couple. They express themselves and understands each other better through actions and physical touch. One hug, one kiss is all it takes to keep the peace and harmony of their relationship. But maybe I just hoped Tharn was able to articulate better what he was being sorry for. It felt like it was Type who explained things and had more enlightenment after all that has happened.

That make up sex meant a lot of things. And Tharn telling Type that he wants to be gentle with him means he wanted to take the time and express all the other things he couldn't say in words. Making him feel how much he loves him, because words are not enough.

But then, the next day, he took the chance to propose to Type, something he's planned to do a month ago but was ruined by circumstances with Fiat and all. But then again, Type gave a No for an answer just like his previous attempts. He got frustrated and sad once again and was about to go walking out on Type without even trying to ask why and hear him out. And I was like, Whaaat? Ya'll just reconciled last night and now you're gonna fight again? 😩 But gladly, Type chased after him and maybe even if he's not sure if Tharn's gonna hear him out, he tried to explain.

Really, if there's anyone in this relationship who have made a major development & growth for the other person, it's Type. He've changed a lot of things in himself but definitely didn't lose his identity/personality. Only, he got better as a person and of course, that's thanks to Tharn's love.

[justinsdaysinthedark]

Post #8 - So long, friend

Sunday August 4th: Today marks 3 weeks I've been in hospital and day 5 of my 16 day chemotherapy treatment. Before I left to head in here on the 14th of July, I joked with Courtney's dad, John that I'd beat his record for time in hospital (3 consecutive weeks) not thinking it would actually happen. Alas, when I wake up tomorrow morning, I'll own that title; one I'd definitely prefer not to have! Here I was thinking I'd be in here for a few days. I suppose in retrospect my breakdown in the middle of Coles 21 days ago was for good reason!

As mentioned earlier, I had my fifth day of chemotherapy today and everything has gone smoother than I thought. I had an incredibly difficult two days on Thursday and Friday (days two and three) with nausea, headaches, incredibly tired and just generally not feeling myself. A lot of this I put down to a couple of bad nights sleep and the chemo finally hitting my body and doing its thing. Saturday and today (days four and five) have fortunately been the total opposite, which is great for me! I've had more energy, less nauseas and just generally felt myself (as well as I can, I suppose!)

I know some of you are wondering what it's like to get chemotherapy...and that's a valid question. Let me preface my answer by reminding everybody that it affects different individuals in different ways. How I react to this chemotherapy plan won't be how anybody else does. I guarantee that! Essentially, it's just like having a fluid drip with a few warning labels on the packet. Some I've felt average during them or a few hours afterwards whereas others I haven't exactly noticed a difference. It's important to keep in mind that chemotherapy isn't the drug itself, it's a word used to cover a wide range of drugs which when used a certain way should assist with treatment of cancer. Much like the word 'car' doesn't distinguish what sort of car one owns - there's a big difference between a '92 Camry and a '19 Jag!

The next two days are 'rest days' for me, which I'm absolutely ecstatic about! Two days without chemo will be a great chance for my body to relax and recover from five days of being pumped with various chemicals.

Day 10 is when things pick up again volume wise and from them until the finish, I'll basically be on a drip 24/7 and constantly have to be monitored - totally different to these first five days.

How have I been going mentally? It's up and down like the hillsides in Tasmania! For the most part, I'm great and remaining as positive as one can be in such circumstances. My support network has been so incredible in coming into see me, calling and checking up on me. I may not have had to use them as much as I thought I would, but it's so reassuring to know so many people are there for me when I do need them. My eye has shown some seriously significant improvements since Friday, which is helping to confirm the fact that maybe this stuff is doing something. This morning I woke up and regained the ability overnight to look up and down with my left eye and I'm just waiting for the morning I wake up and my eyesight is back to normal with both eyes! I'm also just about back to normal with my ability to chew which has opened up the food options for me.

On the other side, I have the daily thought of 'why me? Why does this have to happen to me right now?' Unfortunately, this thought is only human nature and one I have to allow to enter and flow by. Nobody is 100% positive and by allowing this thought to come and go, it strangely makes the situation easier to accept. I'm at a stage where I'm really starting to miss the simple things in life. Little things like sleeping in a completely dark room with no noise, having a shower with a consistent temperature and being able to make up my own food decisions on a daily basis. There's so many other things however it's these three things I'm most looking forward to when I go home!

Last Friday morning was pretty tough for me as well. Adam, my roommate opposite me (not to be confused with Dr. Adam) got the all clear to go home. We'd spent roughly fifteen days together and had developed quite a bond and friendship. Adam had lymphoma, similar to me and was a couple of days ahead of me with his chemo treatment. To have somebody there to talk to, bounce ideas off and ask questions on what to expect is exactly what I needed over the most difficult times I had in here. It made early morning blood tests during breakfast and late nights after both of our families left that whole lot easier. Not having that somebody here anymore has made the past few days a little harder but nothing I won't get through. I know he'll read this to kill time at home so I hope you don't mind me writing this, Adam!

Adam actually sent me a photo a few days after he left with him and his son both smiling and that gave me strength and hope that I'd eventually get out of here and be in the same position! I honestly can't wait for that day! In all seriousness, a big thank you needs to go to this man for keeping me sane in the time we spent together. Whilst a brief fifteen days, we're in this journey together and we will both get through it.

I honestly don't have much planned for the week ahead so I can't guarantee when my next blog post will be. I'm expecting the results of a test that was sent off last Monday sometime this week. This should definitively tell me what type of lymphoma I have. My fingers and toes are crossed it's not Burkitt's as this will change my treatment program for the remaining cycles. I'm not holding my breath these will come through early in the week - I'm more banking on answers before Friday. I'm really looking forward to resting over the next two days before we get into the serious back-half of my 16 day treatment.

That's it from me tonight. I'm off to watch Day four of The Ashes and no doubt will be asleep before midnight! Enjoy your week and cherish moments spent with friends and family. You don't know when they'll be your last.

Much love,

Juzz xx