#I'm just over here playing the world's smallest violin for myself

[fayeandknight]

Pity party, table for one

This feels so stupid to admit, but today really hurt my feelings.

All the trainers piled in the van and went on a training out. Without me. I was not invited. I watched them call another trainer on the walkie to be like "impromptu outing, grab a dog and let's go". I was standing outside setting up training for a dog around car manners but hadn't started. I was literally right there.

One of them even called out the window that they'd pick up ice cream on the way back and asked me to have the others text what they wanted. So it's not like they didn't see me.

But I dutifully did so and when they came back, oops the shop must have forgotten my order. Everyone else got ice cream but me.

And it's so stupid to let my feelings be hurt by this. I know it is. And I honestly don't think anything intentionally mean spirited happened. But between usually being the one left out, hello autistic experience, and old high school trauma, it's just feels overwhelmingly lonely.

And that old trauma is particularly hard to combat, because it lends truth to the common fear that everyone secretly, or not so secretly, hates me and wishes I would die. Short version is that I had a falling out with my best friend and she led a school wide campaign, including teachers, to bully me with the admitted to goal of having me become so depressed and isolated that I'd kill myself.

I know this is not that. I do.

But it felt like it. The memory of how it started with people being nice enough to my face but never including me holding hands with how I never seem to make it into the inner circle anywhere because there's something slightly off about me. (It's the autism.)

And it just fucking sucked.

So I cried in the bathroom, invoking my superpower of being able to bawl my eyes out without making a sound. But it felt overlaid with the past where I used to eat lunch in the bathroom to avoid the bullying once it got really bad.

I barely slept last night so being very tired on top of everything else definitely did not help.

I wish I knew the secret to being included. To have people actively choose my company outside of needing something from me. I wish I wasn't such a baby over not getting ice cream. I wish I could pry the past's sticky fingers off of the present.