#I'm never gonna be mentally healthy. why do I keep holding on to the future

[no-one-hears-me]

I've spent too much time on the verge of suicide to be here today

[lg-secretsx]

It's only natural to miss someone you once loved so deeply. It's normal to "relapse" in a way and as long as it doesn't lead to impulsive decisions, it's okay. I really hope it gets easier for you. You've helped me a lot, so I want to share a secret with you.

I've been over this boy for a long time. I understand why it wouldn't work out. Even if he wanted to get me back now, I'd refuse him. Because we're not in love.

Yet sometimes I struggle with accepting that he'll never be in love with me again. Sometimes I think that in a different situation, he'd "realize" that I'm someone he could love. I want to know that this relationship failing was a loss to both of us, not just me, and it wasn't a burden he just got rid of. I want him to miss me too. I want him to wonder about what could have been.

I try my best to be a logical person, but boy do I have my selfish moments deep deep deep down.

Aside from this type of thinking being embarrassing, the issue is that I'm distracting myself by fixating on the external problems in the relationship. Our home environments and mental health problems at the time definitely effected the relationship, but at the heart of it, I think even if everything else was fine, we probably still wouldn't be good lovers for each other.

I know you know about that fulfilling, empowering moment of looking at an old love and realizing; I'm never gonna be good enough for them, am I?

They will never love me and want to be with me. It's unexpectedly freeing. All those nights staying up in bed, pretending the pillow I'm hugging is him, thinking what should I do now, did he change his mind? does he still love me? does he love me? does he love me now? does he love me now? does he still love me? will he love me? is his love genuine? will it last?

It lifted so much weight off my shoulders to finally be able to let go by accepting the harsh reality. But it's still difficult at times.

You once wrote something about how the right one for you would never give up on you and let you go. What I'm trying to do is reminding you of that moment of realization. Even when you get those "what if..." thoughts again, they don't hold any power over you.

The right person for you and me wouldn't make us want to lie to ourselves. A healthy relationship wouldn't make us jealous, anxious, or bitter. It doesn't make you feel weak. You are not weak.

I hope you find the calm, caring love that gives you strength and serenity. The type of love that helps you grow as a person and challenges you, not your mental resilience.

Good luck. 💓

Thank you, lovely follower.

I could honestly write a novel on why we are so compatible. But it wouldn't change his mind.

Some people don't lose love like this in their lives. Some people just don't end up having that level of heartbreak. Accepting that I will be - that I am - one of the people whose life is forever marked by big, deep, wrenching loss has been one of the many hard parts.

At first I clung to what I could. I cared SO much about keeping my couch, my mattress, my exercise machine. Those were split costs, things we shared. I didn't want to lose him, my world, my home, my future, my dream wedding, my happy ending, AND my couch.

I was holding on to anything I could as the rug was pulled out from under me. Ceiling came crashing. Walls collapsed.

Now I don't give a shit about a fucking couch. It's pretty comfortable, but now I know I only ever wanted to keep him.

Thank you for being compassionate without being patronizing. I'm learning to take it in. 💌