#I'm sad I deleted my old writing account bc I remember seeing people get really interested in my stories and it made me really happy

[aahsokaatano]

I think everyone around my age (born between like 1994 and 1999) has a sort of.... bond isn't the right word really, but I can't think of anything better. An unspoken shared agreement? A collective awareness?

(I'm sure it's not just the people in that specified age range but that's the group I've noticed it in bc those are my peers)

That's the group that's just a little bit traumatized by online messaging

Let me explain (tw for discussions of suicide/suicidal thoughts - not me! Mutuals do not fret, i am okay)

When i was 17, my friend killed herself. We weren't particularly close - we only knew each other through orchestra. We both played the cello, and i was the section lead, so it was my job to know the others. She was nice. Quiet. Funny once you talked to her a bit.

One morning at school before the first bell, a mutual friend messaged me on tumblr and told me that our friend had died the night before

School let out early that day for unreleated reasons. I went home and took a nap before going to my after school job at a bookstore. My boss asked why I hadn't come in earlier, he knew school had let out several hours before. I told him my friend had died.

His wife started going on about how the internet was killing kids and making them too attention-seeking and I slunk off to shelve books with tears in my eyes.

Another story

My old blog wasn't like, super popular or anything, but I had a pretty decent amount of followers and sometimes people would message me out of the blue. If they were sad, I would tell a funny story or write a little fluffy drabble to make them smile, just like I would for any friend. But one time I started talking to this girl who admitted that I had kept her from committing suicide a few times. That I had saved her life.

It was terrifying

I didn't want that power. I didn't want that responsibility. We became friends, but every single time she messaged me, I was almost physically sick - what if I wasn't enough this time? What if I didn't see her message fast enough? What if I hurt her on accident?

What if it was my fault?

We fell out of touch a long time ago. I don't know what happened to her. I still think about her sometimes, and I almost dread getting an answer. I don't remember her username, but fuck, I remember the cold clench of fear in my gut every time I got a message from her.

A third story

There was a person who made a tumblr account specifically to talk to me, because we had been chatting in the comment section of one of my fics on AO3 and that was clunky and annoying, so they made a tumblr. They were funny and nice and had a habit of sending about 16 messages at a time rather than one long message and it almost gave me a panic attack. Because my brain said "that person needed you and you WERENT THERE and they sent you SO MANY MESSAGES and you never replied" and this person wasn't even suicidal, they just had a lot to say, but the guilt crushed me and anxiety froze me and I could only respond when they were actively online so I wouldn't have to see the message counter tick up.

I lost contact with them after i accidentally deleted my old blog, and a tiny part of me was relieved and a bigger part was guilty because of that relief and I still don't know how I feel about it

One last story

About a week ago, a friend DM'd me on discord with a vague message and an attached file that was named "letter of intent" and I almost had a panic attack on the spot

I have never in my life turned on my computer so fast, because my phone wouldn't support the file type, and i didn't breathe for several minutes until i realized it was just a letter listing out their goals for the year and that they sent it to me to keep themself on track

But god, the fear that tore through me before i knew what was going on - the horrifying certainty that i was going to read a plan of action or a goodbye note - I didn't sleep that night. Even after I knew what was going on. Rational thought doesn't disperse fear that easily.

(Friend, if you're reading this, I DO NOT BLAME YOU. You don't need to apologize. I'm okay, we're okay, and it's all gucci 💛)

So, what's my point here?

My point is that I'm not the only person with stories like this. Where someone sees a message notification and assumes the worst. I know a frankly heartbreaking amount of people just in my own circles with similar stories, and my circles aren't that big. I know that a lot of people probably know the exact feeling I'm talking about.

I think that's why, consciously or not, a lot of my friends start their messages with "hey!" or "quick question" or just "omg so". A little reassurance. A little gentleness. "This isn't a bad thing - or, if it is, it's not that bad thing."

Because... we've seen it before. And it scares us. And we don't want to scare others like that.

Idk. There's not a really a point to this. It's just been swirling around my head for a few days and needed to be put down in words.

[bennflynt]

hmm I want to draw more magic flower/pet shop au stuff but like more story related. Mostly I just want to get to writing the entire thing out but I’m still far behind on the notes for it