#I'm sorry if the wall of text has scared you (or anyone else) off T^T

[moonspirit]

I think the discussion on Armin’s relationship with his mother brings up an interesting idea, especially in relation to your fic. Specifically concerning his relationship with Hange, you have been identifying, and rightly so Levi as the “father” of the Scouts. So I am wondering at the other end do you identify Hange as the “mother”

I would love to hear your ideas on her/their relationship with Armin. Was it a mentor/protegee relationship given their similar passions for knowledge and exploration, or did it become sort of a “Son I never had” for Hange and “Mother whom I never really had” for Armin

As always I would love to hear your insight and thoughts on this.

Hello anon! This is long, sorry TT^TT I got carried away.

Tbh I haven't explored Armin's relationship with Hange all that much in VBEOW, but yes, as you say, the intention is clear that he looked up to her and they spent quite a lot of time together; that's what I'm getting at.

I think much of the fandom appreciates Levi and Hange being the parent figures to the 104th, in that the newest members of the SC are all mere children, and it's Levi and Hange who guide and lead them. Of course we have Erwin, we don't see there necessarily being a "huge distance" of rank between him and the 104th (he's around and about), but he's not the one scolding the kids, breaking up the fights, or teaching them titan science and new technology. Among the vets, Levi and Hange are closest to the 104th (going forth we mean EMA+JSC) and their bond only grows thicker as the years pass, numbers fall, and uncertainty grows.

This is why I love thinking about Levi's relationship to the Alliance post-rumbling, especially in relation to the Paradis boys (Armin, Jean and Connie) because after all that time spent together, they know him, and he knows them. He protected them, took care of them, (probably woke them up with a kick to the balls too), told them to buck up and focus in as little words as possible - a father, through and through.

All of the same goes for Hange, only, she doesn't make it to see them as Ambassadors.

Now coming to Armin specifically.

Among all the Ambassadors, he's the only one that's an orphan. Everyone else has parents, or at least someone looking forward to receiving them at home. Not counting Mikasa, (who is his family, yes, but she's not an adult figure), he has nobody that'll give him a hug and say he's made them a proud parent. There is a comfort in being held by someone older and feeling like you're still a child; that you'll always be their child.

But it's not just now, is it? He hasn't had it since he enlisted in the military.

At that young age when people have friends and parents, loneliness is crippling. Eren and Mikasa being inseparable I think there would've been times Armin wandered the buildings and scoured the libraries all alone. His curiosity to learn is something we don't see anyone sharing with him on quite the same level or depth - sure, he's telling people interesting things from what he's read most recently and they're listening, fascinated, but how many of them are picking his brain and quenching his thirst for a good, long conversation with questions, answers, hypothesis and conclusions?

One. Hange.

Or so I imagine. Their combined curiosity would've known no bounds. He's assessing her hypotheses, she/they're answering his questions. He helps her/them in the lab, she/they gives him new what-ifs to ponder about. She teaches him about the weather. He writes her expedition reports in meticulous detail. We see Hange rambling to anyone that'll spent 5 seconds listening, but it's a special satisfaction when someone listens with keen interest and a desire to contribute their thoughts by an equal measure. For Hange, Armin is a great scout in that he naturally possesses the understanding, empathy and curiosity needed of a scout in the first place. He's also sweet and polite - I see her/them developing a bit of a soft spot for him.

But then things go to shit right? Once the walls break (again) and along with it goes trust (RBA), nothing is a certainty anymore. From this point onwards, the SC begins to get pared down in both numbers and trustworthy members - by the end of S3, the SC we see are those few left alive and survived through all the betrayal. The only constants that remain for Armin then, are his immediate close friends (EM+JSC), Levi, and Hange.

And Hange is admittedly, more vocally softer in her approach to the kids than Levi is.

It only gets worse though, through the timeskip, which is the most grueling of times imo, in the whole story. Hange as a commander is different - no longer does she/they have the time or peace of mind to be the careless mad scientist because the pressure on her to perform, lead, and find a near impossible solution is insane. I imagine Armin and Hange spend many an evening thinking about what to do about the impending annihilation. Some of those evenings, she/they would break down, head in her/their hands, and admit only to him, that the burden of living up to Erwin's legacy's crushing her back.

To everyone else, Hange must be brave. The world's falling apart, she can't look weak. In front of Armin though, she can afford to look scared. Just a bit. Because he'll understand.

And Armin would understand all too well, wouldn't he? They share the burden, after all. One has been appointed the Commander, and the other has replaced a Commander.

Above anyone else too, Hange would understand Armin's guilt. He's just a boy of nineteen, receiving hostile stares and accusations simply for living and breathing, and she/they feel sorry. It wasn't her/their decision, it was Levi's, but Hange's been watching this boy grow up from a scrawny thirteen year old to a young adult who should be feeling more confident in himself (with a shifter's power too!), but he doesn't. He cries, he hates, he wishes he wasn't alive.

What kind of parent wouldn't hurt from that?

To sum up, from the beginning to the moment Hange died burning in the sky, I believe Armin and she/they shared a very special relationship. It might have started out as a Superior/Junior thing, but over time it progressed into something more, something deeper, something closer to the heart.

A soft spot for one another like nobody else had.

[lizaluvsthis]

A Chamber of Burning Souls - Chapter 1

Fanfic Written and Illustrated by @lizaluvsthis

Idea of creation by @itsajjanea

●■●

Summary: It's Prom and everyone is invited to celebrate at Square Plaza, having no partners left to find. SMG4 and SMG3 both paired together.

With Four having no experience of what Prom is at all, he happens to find himself binded with his ex rival filled with complicated thoughts.

Tags: Friends to Lovers, Sun and Moon, fluff, romance, drama, hurt/comfort, angst, gay fruits are real, LOVE IS IN THE AIR YALL

Relationships:

SMG4/SMG3

Mario & Meggy Spletzer

Meggy & SMG4

Mario & SMG4

Mario & SMG3

Meggy/Tari

Luigi/Bowser

Mario/Spaghetti¿

Bob & Mario

Chapter: 1 - A Night Bring Out

thus the sun has continued to set from the horizon as four is calmly watching the view afar, the cold breeze blew through his hair sitting outside.

"SMG4?" Mario called his bestfriend, seeing him sitting on a chair admiring the view. Mario snuck behind him, distracted "still having those gay thoughts?" He chuckled, making four bounce from his chair with a light scare from the fat italian.

"N-No I'm not!" He brushed off the dirt from his blue colored suit. Man does he love how his formal attire looked, where he can move freely and relaxed.

"You sureee????" "Yes I am." He looked away from Mario with a light pink faded blush surrounding his face. "Have you uhh found a partner?" SMG4 looked at Mario.

"I'm with bob, he said his girlfriend can't attend" "what about the others?" "Hmmmmmm" Mario did his best to remember the pairings from his team.

"Meggy is in pairs with Tari, Saiko is with Kaizo since they're both hosting a side played oncore songs, Boopkins is- he's with his waifu bed, Chris with Swag, Melony is just- sleeping-" figures. Melony is always too tired whenever she's awake, but for some reason- it feels like he won't be getting in partners with anyone else...

"Andd uhhh for Luigi- luigi is-" SMG4 shot a glance of the familiar green colored signature and ran. "Hey! SMG4?" Mario saw Four rush out of there and got back from the room to talk to luigi.

"Hey! Luigi..." "wah? SMG4? What is it?" "Do you want to be partners with me for prom?" Luigi eye-d to another side and furrowed his eyes giving him a smile. "Oh- uh- sorry SMG4 I'm already left partners with someone..."

"Oh come on! I bet I can still be as good as that partner this is bullsh-t!" SMG4 cursed out loud, hearing something approach to him was a giant... lizard-?

"Ahe- ahem!" SMG4 gulped looking upwards to reveal, it was bowser out of all people. He was tossed by a massive force by bowser across the room, with no one to notice.

"Ow..." his back couldn't move after cracking a wall. "SMG4! Are you okay?!" The voice sounded nothing like Mario, a man reached out a hand to help him get up.

"Yes I'm..." He paused, looking up to see the person. SMG3... his former ex rival... a 'friend'... is there to attend the prom as well.

He stared at his face for a moment, and boy how he felt something inside him flutter and beat. "I'm alright..." He finally gave him a reply, getting back up from the floor acting like nothing happened.

"You got yourself tossed in that room dude- you sure you're alright?" SMG4 felt distracted by looking at his 'friend' from top to bottom.

He had his hair up in a bun, (honestly- when did he missed out the part he had long hair?) His looks are still the same but it came out more handsome than the last time he saw him without a hat on, his dark purple silk suit that the light reflects on the shades, he was wearing a different gloves that has the usual roman numeral but with white color text with black gloves filled.

His magenta necktie, his long black pants, shining clean black shoes that exposed from his view. Since WHEN did SMG3 became this more of a neat character to get so- well dressed...?

Or its just four not knowing how fashion works-

"Yeah I'm hurt a little bit but I'll be fine-" he gave him a nervous chuckle, not wanting three to feel worried of him. SMG3 wanted to speak about this but he didn't find the urge to do so. Now that his soft spot might reveal a bit too much.

"You got invited too huh?" SMG3 nodded. "I uhh- couldn't find a decent partner to pair up with... not even when I enjoy less party talks yet I still come here..." He looked at the other of the members who are currently talking with the other people.

"You haven't- found a pair yet?" SMG4 asked again, he wondered why Three even came here despite knowing that he hates occassional events except for evil villain anniversaries or such as getting paid.

But for just this time, he attended anyway. "No I haven't... thats why I'm asking several of the people here- but they all already found one..." SMG3 hugged his stomach, the felt of discomfort attempting on asking for someone to be his partner and didn't work out too well when you're bad at talking in public.

More as of being socially awkward to people that gave out his anxiety... but to SMG4 however, he felt safe to be around with yet he wasnt even sure why.

His ex rival just felt too safe to be with, he didnt have complains for that. It felt nice...

Because he'd never felt needed by any other people from his life...

SMG4 is unsure at this state he's on with, he struggled and hesitated to put out the words of apologizing. He wasn't used to this type of sensitive talk.

"I also haven't found mine yet-" he started to stare at those red crimson eyes... "do you... want to be partners with me instead?" Out of the ordinary, SMG3's face lit up after hearing SMG4 say that.

Did he just hear this right. Is it actually true that Four is asking him out to be his... his... HIS... he turned red second by second.

"I-I uhh... Yeah sure whatever- just try not to mess things up- you baka..." the blue held out his hand for three to grab on, as four smiled still with three on being a tsundere. It never gets old.

Three accepted, embracing his left hand with four colliding in. With now both fingers interlocked, that was purposely done by SMG4.

"Dude- are you TRYING to make things look even more gayer?" SMG3 looked down at both of the hands then back to the man himself.

"Just- incase..." SMG4 pouted, he couldn't come up with a reason. He did this on purpose and he'd been making it a bit more awkward with this between just him and three.

The chattering went low as the host made his way out of the door and welcomed everyone.

"Welcome to the square plaza everyone! We are so excited to gather you all for our occasional prom! Now go out there and get yourself started!"

He offered to everyone by stepping aside from the open door, being a gentleman to let everyone inside.

"Well... here it goes..." SMG4 walked forward as Three followed a few steps near, little did four know is that Three kept glancing at their interlocked hands together thinking the forms of something special...

Something... something that also made SMG4 feel the same but more tensed...

SMG4 couldn't process much of the things that are currently happening to him right now. Why has this have to go very wrong yet right at the same time? Why did he have to come even tho he didn't want to?

He'd started to overthink with all of his actions that he had made. In regret...

(Why did I even came here... I should've stayed at the castle...) He clinched the hand even tighter, holding Three's.

But it had made him thought, for any other reasons it somehow made him feel glad that he was there.

"Good evening everyone! We are all gathered here for a special event- aka prom." The other host guestured their hand with the obvious sign.

"The dance will begin at 7pm, just to say you can go talk to any other people here or have some snacks while everyone enjoys their stay!" The microphone turns off, entering a soothing audio played in the background.

-A Night To Remember by beabadoobee & Laufey-

The man in purple looked at the sparkling chandelier placed right on top of the ceiling the lights that glimmered through the glass.

Swore I'd seen you before

Within the atmosphere flowing through the colors of pink, red, and purple. Mixtures of blue, the colors fading through the room.

Watched you walk through the door

The beam of light, shining across Four's face with an escape of the light. Reflecting through his blue colored eyes that took notice of the red ones.

Somethin' in your eye

Reminded me of somebody I used to know

Damn... SMG4 looked glorious... he hated that...

Three's eyes happen to gaze upon to Four's with the room surrounded by the soft sounds, they both met each others eyes.

You touched my back

I took your hand

Somethin' from your touch felt shockingly familiar

He didn't know what that feeling was, it just felt right for him to do. If this would only be only focused to him, where would his thoughts go?

And I swore I'd seen you before

Oh, I swore I'd seen you before...

They both felt so lost, but being there together with him?

Underneath the sheets

You enchanted me

And whispered sweet nothings in my ear

It felt romantic...

I shivered beneath you

All wrapped up in embers

It was a night... to remem-

"Is it just me or are you both staring goo goo eyes at each other thats super gay-" The fat italian called them both out ruinimg their silence.

"SHUT UP YOU ASS" SMG3 looked at Mario annoyed, he who had ruined their moment. "We're not gay!" SMG4 cried out loud, with the crowd bringing their attention from his scream. He smiled to fill out the apology trying his best not to disrupt them.

SMG4 turned his head back to Mario and eyed Three. "It seemed like it-" he shrugged his shoulder, drinking an orange juice from the cup.

"Look you idiot- I came here to get over with the party. I'm not saying I'm a party pooper in this, I was only trying to..." he gave a pregnant pause after realizing that he had almost revealed his words to him.

"To- uh- not miss out on the occassions and stuff..." his eyes darted towards Mario after he shot up his eyes with Four.

He checked the time...

6:55 pm

Almost seven o-clock before the dance begins, and just being in there with him... it felt like time passes by too quickly by seconds...

"Oh! I think I should go now- Mario wishes you two gay boys goodluck!" He puts a thumbs up to the both of them and headed to Bob's direction.

The two looked at each other in disbelief, had they both been staring too long? Did the song dragged them away into this...?

How can this be?

SMG4 is unsure, he was too scared about this feeling. Little does he know is that Three also scattered with the same thing as well...

End of Chapter 1...

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Previous Chapter - Prologue

Next Chapter - Sway me More [PENDING...]

[outerbanks-fandom]

Cigarette Daydreams - JJ Maybank x female reader

Description: this imagine is based on the song ‘cigarette daydreams’ by Cage the Elephant. 

warnings: swearing, violence is you squint, trigger warning it can get a bit graphic. This imagine can be very sad please read with caution. 

Word Count: 1,434

PLEASE DO NOT USE MY WORK FOR ANYTHING THIS IS MINE AND YOU DON”T HAVE PERMISSION TO UPLOAD IT ANYWHERE ELSE. 

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Funny how it seems like yesterday as i recall, you were looking out of place.

Something was off with JJ. Normally when we were all hanging out as a group he was constantly touching me. If it was him leaning against me while i played with his hair or even just as simple as having his hand in mine. But, today he was next to me but it was like he wasn’t here. His replies were monotone, his hands never left the beer bottle or cigarette. He didn’t even look at me for longer than 2 seconds. 

It was like he was a stranger, when he did reply it would all get awkward. “Hey baby, wanna go get some more beers with me?” he shrugged and got up. Walked ahead of me, something he only ever did when we argued. Any other time he was right next to me, holding my hand or his arm wrapped around me. 

We walked inside the chateau's kitchen area and he grabbed the fridge door, “Jay, what’s wrong” again he shrugged. “JJ! what is wrong, words please” 

“Can’t i just have a off day damn, not everyone is fucking perfect Y/n!” I scoffed. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he threw one of the beer bottles at the wall behind me. I never ducked so fast in my life. “I mean I’m fucking sick of you expecting me to be someone I'm not. Well I hate to break it to you but I have fucking negative feeling. I have off days more than I have happy days, but for you I try and hide it. I’m suck of it! I’m not perfect and I hate to break it to you but neither are you!” I felt tears in my eyes but momma didn’t raise no bitch. 

“Who the fuck told you to be perfect? and when did I say I was? I practically beg you to tell me when something is wrong, but no. JJ Maybank has to put on the tough guy act and pretend like you do shit for me? No JJ you act this because you’re terrified of the truth.” If anyone walked into this room right now the pure anger radiating off JJ and I would of sent them right back outside. “And what’s that Y/n, what’s the truth?” 

“That the big and bad JJ Maybank is actually a broken teenage boy.” he had a sick laugh leave his mouth. “Fuck you Y/n Y/l/n, fuck you. You need to leave because if this keeps going like this I'll do something we ‘ll both regret.” 

The color drained from my face and I think he even surprised himself. “You... you would hit me?”  his hands ran through his hair pulling as the roots. “Like I said, I'm fucked up. I’m not perfect.” “I’m not either but I still would never put my hands on you.” 

He quickly walked up to me hands still in his hair. I felt fear cursing through my veins but I wouldn’t show him that. “Do it JJ, show me that your no better than the very man you’re scared to be like.” granted what I said was fucked up but it made him realize what he was doing. He didn’t respond he just looked at me with regret in his eyes. I grabbed my bag that was on the counter and walked back out the door. “Call me when you figure your shit out. I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk about whatever is worth threatening your girlfriend.”

That last line caused him more pain than any hit he’s ever taken.

Gathered up your things and slipped away...

JJ broke down the second she walked away. Thousands of thoughts was running through his mind. ‘I was gonna hurt her’ ‘she hates me’ ‘I ruined everything’ he looked at the wall and saw the wet stains from the beer and followed it the dripping stains and saw the broken glass. ‘that could of hit her.’ ‘I could of caused the person I love the most physical pain’ ‘I caused her emotional pain’ 

Y/n walked out the chateau and immediately grabbed her skateboard off the porch and went home without an explanation. She texted Kiera telling her she started to feel sick and needed to go home. She got home about 15 minutes later, and immediately went in her room to get my stuff together and shower. 

She thought about all the things that went down and what could of gone down. She loved JJ with her whole heart and wasn’t ready to let him go but if she had to worry that every time they fought, he would hit her. 

Cigarette 

Whenever she got out the shower she checked her phone and had 3 missed calls from Kiera, 1 from pope, missed texts from John B and 10 missed calls, 7 missed texts from JJ. Deciding to text John B back first. 

hey, are you okay? JJ is really scared since you didn’t answer anyone’s calls

no pressure but please just at least read these so we know you’re okay

switching over to JJ’s texts she read

Baby i’m so sorry

please baby, i need to know you’re okay

i know i fucked up 

i just need to know you’re safe

please y/n i love you 

you are by far the greatest thing to ever happen to me, i lied y/n. you are perfect in my eyes your couldn’t be more perfect. You’re perfect for me. I would never put my hands on you. 

baby please just answer the phone

JJ was freaking the fuck out. It was 2 two in the morning and you rode home on you’re skateboard. “Please answer you’re fucking phone baby, if you don’t call in the next 10 minutes I'm coming to your house.” 

Daydream

Y/n texted never answered their text . She actually didn’t even go home that night. That’s what JJ imagined happened when she left that night. He was worried sick though he stayed up all night thinking you were just asleep or mad. That was all until six o’clock the next day he got a phone call that will play in his head forever. 

His whole world collapsed, you didn’t make it home that night. You didn’t even make is a mile away from the chateau before a group of drunk kook’s went on a joyride and didn’t see the teenage girl riding her skateboard and texting her friend back. 

The bastards didn’t even get out and check on you, they drove away as fast as they could. You were there all night and it wasn’t until a guilty conscience ridden teenage boy went to the same spot to make sure you were gone but when he got there he saw your lifeless body. He immediately called 911, hoping there's was a chance they could save you. 

JJ destroyed everything in site. John B didn’t even stop him, he understood. Kiera and Sarah was with your mom while she cried in your room. Pope was staring at the wall at the chateau. 

“She died thinking I hated her! She fucking died! She promised me forever than she fucking dies.” JJ needed a hug from you and that was impossible. “JJ you can’t be mad at her because she passed away” pope made the mistake of saying mid breakdown for JJ. “No Pope she didn’t just pass away, some piece of shit kook’s took her away. They didn’t even have the decency to call for help until the next fucking day. She could still be alive, it was up the fucking road and I didn’t know. I could of saved her!” 

 JJ’s world was over, you were far too young to not be alive. You had so much life to live, you wanted to go to college, you wanted to get married, live somewhere with snow, have kids and 2 dogs. JJ wanted to give you all that but now he can’t.

He walked into the room he stayed in at John B’s and was immediately met with the picture frame you gave him for your two year anniversary. It held two pictures, one from when you first got together. It was you two on the beach during one of the many keggers y’all attended together. He arm wrapped around your waist while you hugged his. The other one was you two on John B’s boat, you sitting on the boat floor and his back against your chest, the biggest smile plastered on his face as you looked at him with pure love and admiration. He saw the tears hit the picture frame.

“You were only seventeen” 

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 15.18: “Despair”

THEN: The key to Billie's library. Billie wants to become God. Cas made a deal with The Empty. Chuck absorbed Amara. Jack absorbed Adam's rib. Dean pointed a gun at Sam (DEAN POINTED A GUN AT SAM.) Chuck is pissed. Jack is going to explode.

NOW: We begin right where we left off last week, with Jack about to explode with God-killing power. Sam half-carries him into the map table room, Cas tells him to take deep breaths and focus, and Dean gets all panicky and is no help at all. Jack wants the guys to just leave him outside in order to minimize the damage when he goes kaboom. {Sidebar... how far away would he have to be, considering that his explosive power could kill God? Discuss.} Dean yells at Sam to find one of Rowena's spells (and oh, Sam as Rowena's apprentice; there's a plot that was sadly wasted, wasn't it?) but he's interrupted by Billie and her scythe, which she's carrying in a very obvious way. She's furious, and tells them the plan to destroy Chuck was doomed "because of you." Billie can't stop Jack's earth-shattering kaboom, "but there is something I can do." She sends him to the Empty. Empty!Meg cheerfully points out that he doesn't look so hot, but then he looks explosively hot. Ah, there's our earth-shattering kaboom!

Bunker. Billie explains that The Empty was the only option to absorb the impact of Jack the Bomb. And that he's not necessarily dead, because taking out Chuck and Amara was the part that was fatal, not actually being the bomb. Hmm. So Jack's point of no return wasn't actually a point of no return after all. It's kinda retconny, but not really? I've decided it's logical and I approve.

However, if the Empty survives, "it's gonna be pissed." Particularly at Billie. And it's very strong. Billie and Sam remind us that the Empty can only come to Earth if it's summoned. They do not get into the details of what constitutes a summoning, but I'm sure that isn't important. And Billie might be willing to bring Jack back, assuming he survived, but not until Sam returns what he took from her. Chuck's death book.

Sam immediately goes on the attack. He points out that she was planning to betray them from the start, leading to the deaths of all the AU refugees and everyone who was brought back from death, including him and Dean. "Even if I give you the book," he says, "what's to stop you from stabbing us in the back? Killing us all?"

"Nothing," Billie says. She gets up in Sam's face and tells him Jack won't last long. Either give her the book now, or lose him forever. (Can I just point out that Sam is still a little bloody from Dean punching him in the face? After he pointed a gun at him?)

Meanwhile, in the Empty, we discover that Jack is still alive (yay) and that this episode was directed by Richard Speight (yay). He is surrounded by particles that gradually form back into Empty!Meg. And, as predicted, she's pissed.

In the bunker, Sam brings the book to Billie, but ignores her outstretched hand and slams it onto the table instead. It's a pointless little burst of defiance and I love it.

Billie flips to the end to read the new ending of God's book, "since you ruined the last one." She seems to like what she reads. Sam says "Wait, the ends of your books change? So me killing Rowena was presented as unavoidable fate but it really wasn't necessary at all?" No, he actually doesn't. But I do, on his behalf. It's a pointless little burst of defiance. Over in the Empty, Empty!Meg grabs Jack's head and says "you made it loud!" and this is a conversation I've had with my dogs in the wee dark hours of the morning more times than I can count because we just want to SLEEP, GUYS but before she can actually crush his head, Billie zaps him back to the bunker.

Billie tells the guys that Jack is hers because he's still useful. Dean responds by grabbing her scythe and swinging at her. She flings him away, but she's wounded and bleeding light. Oh, and she dropped the book. Sam and Cas ignore Dean crumpled over against the wall - Cas runs to comfort Jack, and Sam runs to pick up the book. Unfortunately, he can't open it. Dean says "hey, thanks for not helping me, guys" and Sam says "oh, I'm sorry, I guess I'm still a little rattled from you punching me in the face after you pointed a gun at me." No, he doesn't. But I do, on his behalf.

Several people have pointed out how skinny Jared looks in these last few episodes, but this is the first time I've noticed it. It will be interesting to see how he looks in the two that were filmed after their Covid shutdown.

Time jump. Dean is sitting in the library, drinking whiskey. And I've said it a million times but I'll say it again - I could watch an entire episode that was just Dean drinking. And then it gets even better when Sam walks in wearing only a v-neck t-shirt. Single layer Sam alert, guys! How long has it been? Dean slides the bottle over to him and we get a little bonus hand porn and then this happens:

Sam, I'm sorry about... everything.

Dean, you don't have to -

I pulled a gun on you. It's like I just couldn't stop. You know, we were so close to beating him. Like, I could smell Chuck's blood in the water, and I - nothing else mattered. It was everything. And I just couldn't snap out of it.

Well, you did. You've snapped me out of worse.

Hmmm. Am I missing a time when Dean snapped Sam out of something? I mean, I know in Stull, Sam was able to overcome Lucifer because of Dean. But that was Sam snapping himself out of it. And Dean convinced Sam to give up the trials, but that wasn't Sam under anything that he needed to be "snapped out of." I think if you're going to give Dean credit for snapping himself out of it when confronted by his teary eyed, bloodied little brother, you have to give Sam credit for snapping himself out of his own situations.

It doesn't matter. All that matters is these two sitting quietly in the dark, drinking whiskey together.

Dean's feeling some despair (nice) because Billie wants them dead, Jack is powerless (oh, wait, when did that happen?), and Michael isn't answering his prayers. No one is on their side. "Well, we regroup, somehow," says Sam. They drink a sad little toast to "somehow," and I die a thousand deaths.

Billie's library. Billie stalks angrily through the stacks. A reaper informs her he put up warding to keep the Empty out, and asks if the plan has changed. Yes, it has.

Elsewhere, a woman we don't know is cooking some seriously dry scrambled eggs. She thinks she knows what she's doing, because she's explaining to someone else in the room how to cook eggs so they're "not too runny, not too dry" but seriously. Gordon Ramsay would be appalled. {Sidebar: Gordon's eggs actually look a bit too runny for my taste, and my family would refuse to eat them, but this lady's dry crumbly eggs are still an abomination.} She turns around and we see AU Charlie sitting at the kitchen table. Oh, Charlie has a girlfriend! Sweet. And she must be in love, because she tells this girlfriend that they're the best eggs she's ever had. And also, she's still hunting. Guess she didn't retire to a mountaintop after all. Probably because she couldn't get wifi. Anyway. Her girlfriend's plate crashes to the floor because her girlfriend abruptly disappeared. (Aw, her name was Stevie. Stevie and Charlie. How cute is that?)

Time jump. Charlie's apartment building is called Kim Manor. Nice.

As Sam runs the EMF meter (and there's a nice wordless conversation where Sam lets Dean know he didn't find anything), Charlie talks about how they met (thanks to AU Bobby) and how she experienced nothing when Stevie disappeared. No sulphur smell, no cold, nothing. Dean and Sam have another wordless conversation about what they think happened.

Dean and Sam explain that Billie wants to send all the AU people back to their now non-existent worlds. So Stevie was from AU World too? I guess that explains how AU Bobby knew her. Coincidentally, Sam's phone rings, and it's AU Bobby. They have an extremely short conversation in which Sam learns that another AU hunter simply vanished. And there's no explanation on Sam's end, just "yeah, I understand." So have they already talked to AU Bobby about the Billie situation? Or was Sam and Bobby's conversation literally "hey, a hunter vanished into thin air, how weird is that" and "yeah, I understand" with no further discussion? Anyway. Dean says it's open season on anyone from another world (aw, sorry, Winchesters in Brazil), anyone who came back from the dead, and Sam gets a horrified look on his face and says "Eileen." Oh shit!

Meanwhile, out by the Impala, in broad daylight, Jack tells Cas that he feels strange because the plan failed and his destiny was averted. "I was ready to die, and I wanted to - for Sam, for Dean, for the world - I wanted to make things right. And now I don't know why I'm even here." OF COURSE HE LISTED SAM FIRST. Cas tells him he didn't need absolution from anyone, and that they care about him not because of his usefulness, but just because he's him. Somewhere Dean says "um, wait." Jack is scared because he's powerless and can't protect anyone. Cas is too. So, did Jack lose his powers after the earth shattering kaboom? Or earlier, and I just wasn't paying attention?

Nighttime. Dean speeds down the road as Sam texts Eileen. I don't know where Eileen is, but she must be pretty far away from Kim Manor. Sam told her to get out of her house, go somewhere public, and wait by her car. Now, I cover the guest star credits, so I don't know if Shoshanna is in this episode. But even unspoiled, I'm pretty sure she's not going to be there when they arrive. She starts to type a response, as evidenced by the bubbles, but then stops responding. Yep, just as I thought, no one is standing by her car. Sam finds her phone on the ground, cracked as if it were dropped (like, say, by someone who disappeared while holding it) and LOOK AT HER LOCKSCREEN. LOOK AT IT.

Some will say this is just the photo that pops up when Sam texts her but they are WRONG. This is her FREAKING LOCK SCREEN, PEOPLE.

Anyway. He sees the unfinished message she was writing, which says she's by her car. Aw, Sam. Dean tries to talk to him and he says "I can't - if I let myself go there, I'll lose my mind, I can't right now."

Aw, SAM!

Sam compartmentalizes his grief and jumps into take-care-of-everyone mode. He says they need to gather everyone together, and they need to find a location central to everyone. Well, I mean, there is one place I know of that is literally the central most point in the United States, maybe you could go there? It's supposed to be secure from all things supernatural, too. Dean says that while Sam is going that, he is going to go end what he started. OH, GOOD. I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD SPLIT UP. "We couldn't make Chuck pay, but Billie? She left her blade. Her I can kill." Hey, wouldn't be the first time. Sam agrees, Cas says he'll go with Dean, and we get a brother hug. Once again, Dean does the two things I love when he hugs Sam: 1. he puts his arms on top, as if he were still the taller brother, and b. he looks away and packs up his emotions before he lets Sam see his face after the hug. "Let's go, Cas," he says. "Let's go reap a reaper." Cas turns and follows without saying anything at all to Sam or Jack, but I'm sure that won't be an issue.

Time jump - it's daytime. Sam's on the phone with Donna, who is standing outside her truck (but didn't she used to have a big black SUV?) at that bridge we've seen so many times. She's sending him to "the old Harmon property," which should be just what he's looking for because it has an abandoned silo. I mean, I wouldn't jump immediately to abandoned silo, but maybe there weren't any abandoned warehouses around. She says it's in Hastings, just south of her, and if you think I didn't confirm that the town of Hastings is in fact about 30 minutes south of Stillwater, Minnesota then you just don't know me at all.

Sam is at a gas station and oh, he's driving Eileen's car! That's not heartbreaking at all. I guess she didn't have her keys in her pocket when she disappeared. (Hah, like Sam Winchester needs keys.) Donna and AU Bobby are rounding up everyone they can think of. She asks what the plan is, and Sam bends down creepily to look at Jack in the passenger seat and says "I'm still working on that." I mean, I know they keep telling us Jack lost his powers, but the way Sam looks at him right here certainly suggests Jack is part of the plan, and maybe not in a good way. (Spoiler alert: seriously, why do I even bother.)

Sam comes around to Jack's window and tells him he needs him to drive, because Sam needs to work on archives and spells and stuff. And is that true, or is this just "I don't expect you to live through this part so I want to let you have some time behind the wheel of Eileen's 1970 Plymouth Valiant?" (At least that's what The Husband thinks it is.)

Bunker. Enter Dean and Cas. Dean declares that if Billie isn't in her library, they'll just trash the place to "smoke her out." It's an interesting choice of words.

Foreshadowing Dean as the new Death? (Remember, I'm completely unspoiled. I know nothing.)

Silo. Let's stick to this location for now. Sam and Jack pull up and are greeted by Donna. Jack goes inside to set up the warding, and Donna gives Sam a nice hug.

I want to be there.

She tells him she's sorry about Eileen and gets one of his sad little nods that I love so much. Bobby is already here, and she name-drops Garth and Jody and the girls, saying they're on "high alert." Sam tells her they're not on Billie's list, so they should be safe. And so should Donna. Well, that's good to know. Sam's surprised to see Charlie pull up. She tells him "I just don't want this to happen to anyone else." I don't know what you think you're going to be able to do, Charlie, but okay.

Turns out the silo is actually a Tardis, so I guess maybe it was a good choice. It's huge on the inside, and is also more finished than any silo I've ever been in (which is, okay, one silo, but still.) The interior is already heavily warded. Several people are milling about. {Sidebar: How many hunters were away from the bunker when Michael attacked, and why have none of them returned?} Bobby tells Sam that as soon as the hunters heard he wanted them there, they came running. "Whether you like it or not, you're the big man here." Hey, I wonder if the guy who called him Chief is here. Bobby, being a man after my own heart, is mostly concerned about the bathroom situation. Sam hopes they won't be there long enough for it to be an issue. He has a spell from Rowena (!) that should boost the strength of the wards, but that's all he has. Bobby doesn't look very reassured, and glances in a foreshadowy way at a family with kids. Sam looks around at all of these people he feels responsible for and takes a deep breath and oh, my heart.

Donna and Jack are painting more wards. Jack bends down to look at a plant, and Donna comes up to him and says "I'm no expert on this hoodoo stuff, but best we patch that up, yeah?" and I don't know what the hell she's talking about. What is this plant disturbing? Jack reaches out to touch the plant and it withers away as his hand gets close. Friends, I'm pretty sure this is a bad sign. Jack is too. He stares at his hand, and if he'd been watching a few seasons ago, he would have noticed that plants did the same thing when Amara touched them. Coincidence???

Later we see everyone watch as Sam recites the spell. (Yes, it's hot. Do you even have to ask?) The sigils glow red briefly and then fade, and the music turns ominous and I think this means his boost failed. But I guess not, because Sam says now they wait. But they don't have to wait long, because suddenly one of the children dissolves into smoke. One by one, all of the AU people dissolve like they've been snapped by Thanos. Charlie runs up to Sam and says "Sam, what do we do" just like Maggie did, and just like Maggie she's taken out immediately. Sam watches in horror as AU Bobby smokes out. He turns to Donna, who says "Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good," and then Donna is gone! Crap! Jack and Sam are left staring at the empty-except-for-them silo.

One more serving of despair, coming right up.

On to the other side.

Dean enters Billie's library, brandishing the scythe. Cas follows, bearing only a hangdog expression. Dean motions for him to go one direction and Dean goes the other, soon finding Billie. He thinks he's sneaking up behind her, but she says "So, I guess this is the part where I say hello boys. Hello, boys." Oh, I was wrong; Cas has his angel blade. Billie snarks about Dean's bad aim, and he says he wasn't trying to kill her then (which seems like a lie), but he is now, because of what she's doing to his people. Billie slams him against the wall again. She chokes Cas Darth Vader-style from a distance, and then the old fashioned way. "Remember when you stabbed me in the back?" she says. "Because I do." Oh, that's funny, because earlier Sam said she was going to stab them in the back. She should have said "like you stabbed me?"

Dean comes to the rescue by poking her with the blunt end of the scythe rather than the pointy end, so maybe she was right about his bad aim. Then he gets the blade against her throat (but still not the sharp end, just the back) and demands that she stop killing his friends. She says she didn't - it was Chuck. And Dean's wasting time.

I'm considering it time well spent, because it looks so nice.

Billie tells Dean the injury he gave her earlier is something she can't recover from - she's going to die. She pulls away her coat to show him a nasty festering wound, and I wonder why something so physical would kill her, but. Eh. She tells him she doesn't care about his friends or family. "But seeing you here has reminded me of something. There is one thing I'd like. One wish before I go. I'd like to see you dead." She grabs her scythe back, flings the boys around, and slowly stalks toward them. Dean and Cas rush through the door back into the bunker.

Dean is panicky again, trying to figure out what to do next. He's suddenly struck down by chest pain, and I expect to see someone sticking a knife (or a scythe) in his back, but it's actually Billie doing it Darth Vader-style again. Cas drags him away as Billie monologues. "It's you, Dean; it's always been you. Death-defying. Rule-breaking. You are everything I lived to set right. To put down. To tame. You are human disorder incarnate." Yeah, we know, Dean's awesome. We get this speech every season.

Cas and Dean end up in the dungeon storeroom. Cas gets Dean's knife out of his pocket and cuts his own hand to paint a sigil on the door. It looks like an angel banishing sigil, but apparently it block's Billie's power. Not permanently, though, because it fades as she pounds on the door. Cas says that since the wound is killing her, they just have to wait her out.

Yeah, and if we can't?

Then we fight.

We'll lose. I just led us into another trap. All because I couldn't hurt Chuck. Because I was angry, and because I just needed something to kill, and because that's all I know how to do.

Dean.

It was Chuck all along. We never should have left Sam and Jack. We should be there with them now.

Yes you should, Dean, you really really should. Dean is practically drowning in despair, which, you know. Is a good thing. 10/10 would recommend. "She's gonna get through that door," he tells Cas. "And she's gonna kill you, and then she's gonna kill me. I'm sorry."

"Wait, there is one thing she's afraid of," Cas says. "There's one thing strong enough to stop her." He tells Dean about the deal he made to save Jack in the Empty.

Friends, I'm going to do you a favor. If you haven't seen the episode, and aren't planning to watch the episode, I want you to read this paragraph and then skip down until you see the pretty picture of Dean. And start reading after that picture. Trust me. So, Cas summons the Empty just as Billie breaks down the door. The Empty kills Billie, but she also takes Cas. Dean is saved but Cas is gone.

{Sigh. Can I skip this part? No, I owe it to you.}

Cas explains that the Empty was going to come snatch him away as soon as he experienced a moment of true happiness. But happiness isn't having, happiness is knowing. And Dean is wonderful and "Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love." You just threatened to shoot your little brother for love, for example. Cas is teary eyed and Dean looks confused as hell and I pause the TV and turn to The Husband and we have this conversation:

I don't think I can watch this.

Why, because it's so sappy?

No, because I think they're going to kiss.

What? Why would they kiss? Is there something I'm missing?

Because part of the fandom WANTS them to kiss, and there's this group of fans that are super obnoxious about it, and they harass the actors and the writers and I think now the show thinks EVERYBODY wants them to kiss. Even though the guy who plays Dean* says it would never happen. Because I know he wasn't happy about the way the show ended, and I'm afraid this is why he wasn't happy.

...

I don't think they're gonna kiss.

If they do, I'm done.

*The Husband is not on a first name basis with Jensen.

So, let me point out that The Husband, who watches this show the way a normal human being watches a show (i.e., doesn't interact with the fandom at all), had absolutely NO expectation that they would kiss. Anyway, with some trepidation, I push play again. And Cas is still going. Dean is the most caring, selfless, loving human being on earth (OH GOD MAKE IT STOP) and knowing him has changed Cas.

Why does this sound like a goodbye?

Because it is. I love you.

Don't do this, Cas.

We see a black blob materialize behind Dean, because even though the Empty can only come to Earth if it's summoned, there it is. And I could argue about whether Cas being happy actually summoned the damn thing but I've already lost the will to live, so instead I'm going to describe to you how I watched in horror, with my finger hovering over the pause button, as Cas reached out to Dean and put his hand on his shoulder. But he just pushed him out of the way. Thank you baby Jesus. Billie breaks the door down as the Empty slurps into the dungeon. It surrounds Cas and Billie and sucks them into its depths. Dean is left alone. Oh, and he has a bloody palm print on his jacket from Cas grabbing his shoulder. I guess someone did watch a little bit of older seasons after all. Hard to tell sometimes.

I mean, at least he looked good, right?

Back at the silo. I've decided it must be mostly underground and isn't a grain silo like I thought. So what kind of silo do Yankees have that's mostly underground? Anyway. Jack and Sam emerge, having failed catastrophically at their mission. Sam is trying to call Dean, who isn't answering. He looks mildly panicky. "Sam?" Jack says, a little shaky. "Was it just them?"

OH CRAP. I didn't even think of that possibility.

"I don't know," Sam says, also shaky. And as we see an empty gas station and playground, it really looks like it wasn't just them at all. Sam and Jack look at each other, alone and terrified. And back in the bunker's dungeon, Dean's phone rings. It's Sam. He doesn't answer.

Despair!

So. You know how sometimes something really good will happen in an episode? And I'll say, no matter how bad this episode is, this 90 seconds makes it worth it? Well, sometimes the opposite happens. Sometimes you get a two or three minute scene - a horribly written, badly acted scene - and it's so awful that it ruins an episode. A season. A show. I'm angry that the showrunners pandered to a small, noisy minority of fans to throw something into the show that most fans didn't want and didn't help the story at all. I'm annoyed that, once again, Dean is put up on an embarrassingly overwrought pedestal. I'm kind of amused that they did this in the worst way possible. Cas's love was unrequited (unless they screw that up in the next episode), Misha's acting caused so much secondhand embarrassment that I had a hard time watching again, and from what I see on Tumblr, half of the Destihellers are furious because "Dean is a homophobe." Which is bullshit. Not returning someone's romantic affection isn't homophobia. It's consent. (I know... on this show? Ha ha.)

{Sidebar: If "Destiel" means the characters have mutual feelings for each other, doesn't this mean Destiel is not, in fact, canon? I mean, it was already so badly written that one could argue Cas wasn't proclaiming romantic love, but just a life-changing experience thanks to one human. Discuss.}

But I need to stop thinking about it. I can't - if I let myself go there, I'll lose my mind, I can't right now.

And this wasn't even the Buckleming episode, friends. There is probably a Buckleming episode left.

I got so distracted by this nonsense that I almost forgot to talk about the Jack situation. So here's how I feel about that. I love Jack as a character. I love him as someone the Winchesters could lose (Basically, someone to stuff in the fridge? Why not.) But I don't want him to be one of them. I don't want Jack's story to be treated as if it were as important as the Winchester's story. Just like I didn't want Cas to have his own plots. I want it always, always to come down to Sam and Dean.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll have more to say. But for right now, all I'm saying is this: I pledge to stick with this show, to stick with fanworks, no matter how badly they fuck up the landing. But guys, you don't have to try so hard to fuck it up.

Two to go. As always, help me stay unspoiled, including casting info and episode titles.

[volgotha]

Holy shit I just read your text post I'm so sorry! How are people so easily sold on bullshit??? What happened that lead up to all that?

Okay, strap yourself in. I’m only typing this mess up once more and then I’m never mentioning it again as long as I live. I’m not going to tag it with anything relevant either so once its posted, i’m letting it get lost in the sea of reblogs. Here we go, warning; this is gon be long.

In 2006 I went to college. From 2006 to 2009 I hung out with 5 friends and my bf at the time, Andre. It was in 2007 that we started to poke our heads into the 2C11 room (the clubspace room). Matt and his best friend Jogn Carlo started coming with us to Rocky Horror, a thing only myself and two of my 5 friends would do together, along with ppl they knew from their old highschool. By 2009, we had formed a big gang of friends from the clubspace, and we all started going to movies and sushi together. One of my friends organize panels for Otakuthon, where we’d all meet up.      

But in 2009, two of the 5 ppl I hung out with had a falling out. They stopped being friends. One went to university, the other was around for one more year then she went to university in 2010. That’s when the old group began to change from a family to a clique: In 2010 new members joined the club, and became new staples in the old group–most importantly, a guy named Tin.

It used to feel like a big family, but when the new semester started in September 2010 and new members flooded the club, everything changed. Tin instantly gave me a strange feeling in my gut, like there was something off abt him I couldn’t articulate. Shannon was dating Alex, the then club president, who stepped down in disgrace after I and one of those 5 friends went to the student union to complain abt him being the Harvey Weinstein of the club,. He wanted to permanently ban her from the club bc that summer when he was making a shitty youtube movie, he asked her out and she said no. The only reason he stepped down is bc I helped her take it to the student union and took him down. So when 2010 came along, Tin swooped in and became Alex 2.0, and when I warned ppl abt him they didn’t listen.

Fast forward a year to 2011, and the shitstorm happens; My mom had bvee battling with cancer since 2009. She had a hysterectomy but it didn’t work, and the cancer came back with a vengance.

January 15th 2011: My mom comes into my room and tells me her doctor doesn’t give her 1 year left to live. A few minutes after she leaves my room, Tin talks to me on Steam. He starts trolling me, I exploded on him. I felt bad about it so I tried to apologise to him, and I wrote on my facebook wall a message: “Just found out my mom has a year left to live, not in my right head, plz stay away from me for a while” so i wouldn’t explode on anyone else. I said I tried to apologise to Tin on steam, because him being an abujsive sociopath, instead of just accepting the apology or not like a normal person, instead he starts demanding that i admit to being a shitdisturber. I ignore him at that point, tell him im sorry, wish him good night and then sign off steam, and go to bed.

The following day, Shannon heads me off as I’m in the 2C11 hallway heading to the clubspace room; she warns me that Kelly is having a shit fit and screaming about how much of a horrible person I am, that apparently Kelly thinks my facebook post is me using my mom as an excuse to get away with being a bitch. I run to confront her, because excuse me, no it fucking wasn’t yknow? and whatever trauma she hasn;’t resolved yet doesn’t give her the right to twist my meanings and paint me as a monster. Thats when she goes into the Oliver’s caf so I follow her, and she screams at me calls me pathetic and heads back into the clubspace, and everyone followed her and left me in the caf crying with Shannon and Alex. :/

The situation was made ten times worse later that night by a certain person named Mathew, remember him? He was supposed to be my friend. Instead, he took the opportunity to write a huge post on fb tearing me down, on which everyone else joined in taking a public jab at me. Matt was seen as the community leader at the time. He could have used his power to calm the situation down, instead he made things worse. To this day, I suspect that troll Tin is the one who twisted my words to trigger Kelly and cause all of this, and that he also had Matt in the palm of his hand, but i digress; Matt’s post convinced most of them to ditch me. That devastated me in an already overwhelmed state, and I attempted suicide a few nights later.

That summer, I saw that my former friends were all having a big party, “What Killed the Dinosaurs? The Bad Movie Night.”, and I wasn’t invited. Shannon saw how much it hurt me, so she invited to her bf’s party instead, and that’s where I met Paul.

The following school year of 2011-2012 went by without much incident. The people who had ghosted me slowly added me back, Matt even apologized for his shit, and things seemed to be on the up and up. It looked like all this drama was behind us. I was wrong.

After I graduated, I decided to go visit the club in Fall 2012. Big mistake.

I saw someone I knew, Sarah, crying on someone’s lap, and asked her what was up. She told me she was in an abusive relationship with Tin. For giving her the advice to leave him, Tin came at me on steam again, and I told him that he was an abuser, that he would not intimidate me and to go fuck himself, and I blocked him. Suddenly, Matt was trying to extort 100$ from me for 2 locks I had broken the year before, which should’ve only cost 42$. Where did that come from? Well, Tin was the club’s Treasurer that year. He was trying to get back at me for standing up to him and helping his victim escape, and he was doing it through Matt, who was going apeshit on me on MSN for refusing to pay 100$. I insisted I should only have to pay what I owe, which was 42$. He kept freaking out on me, so finally I threatened to get a lawyer involved, and that’s when he backed down. I still paid the money I owed for the locks I had broken but I blocked Matt, having had enough of his bullshit, and that’s when suddenly a bunch of ppl from the group ghosted me for good.

Why was I ghosted when Matt was clearly the one in the wrong? Because Tin. They ghosted me bc Tin told them to. Tin and Matt told them all sorts of shitty things about me and they believed them. They don’t hold Tin or Matt to any of their shitty actions though bc they don’t want the same abuse that happened to me to happen to them. They turn a blind eye to every shitty thing Tin and Matt do. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand there’s an extremely toxic abuse dynamic at play in that group.

But the story doesn’t end there. Remember that party I went to with Shannon, and that guy I met named Paul? From november 2011 to march 2015 we were together. I was isolated from whoever was left, only hung out with him and his friends. In 2014, I became close friends with a girl name d Ariel, a member of that old groiup who ghosted me. But that was probably a manufactured relationship manipulated into existance by Paul, so he could jump to her when he was done with me.

Paul was extremely abusive when no one was around. The night he left, we had a huge fight. I tried to escape the situation by running upstairs. He chased me and when I ran into my TV room and closed the door behind me, he started pounding on it and trying to push his way in. When he did manage to get through the door, I panicked, picked up a glass bottle and threw it at him, and then slammed the door again when he backed out. The bottle broke, and cut his finger very deep. He used that cut to get everyone present during the situation on his side. Nevermind all the crazy abusive stuff he had just pulled in front of them, no, I was the bad guy, and once he had them convinced, he left to my then bff’s house, who later became his new gf.

He posted a picture of the wound on facebook, and because of that and previous drama from years ago that never really went away, most of the friends I had left from Dawson believed him, and ghosted me. I couldn’t tell them that a week earlier he had raped me, and that’s why I was scared enough to throw that glass bottle at him.I filed a police report, I warned everyone who would listen to me about him, and I warned her. I did all I could.

 I was too scared to tell this story for such a long time, because if asking for understanding while my mom was dying was twisted into me using my mom as an excuse to get away with being a bitch, then asking for understanding for the outbursts I had after being raped would just be twisted into me using my rape as an excuse to get away with being a bitch. I couldn’t handle the idea of my rape being trivialized as just some excuse–and Mathew is in part responsible for it all, because of that fucking post he made publicly tearing me down. Had he not posted that, I would’ve never lost my support system, I would’ve never gone to that party with Shannon, and I would’ve never been raped.

So I spent the better parts of 2016-2018 telling those involved off for their part in my current situation and blocked them, and the rest rebuilding what I had back in 2009, with resounding success. 

So, there you have it. That’s what happened. Fuuuuuuuucking insane isn’t it. Its over now, none of them can hurt me anymore and Ive once again surrounded myself with friends I can actually trust, so everything’s good now. I still have my low days bc this was yknow, a lot, but I’m doing much, muuuuch better now.