#I've also done no sleep night shifts and those flat out fucking kill you

[avvocarlo]

the way it's practically impossible to get anything done that you can't do yourself if you work monday to friday. what do you mean I have to apply for leave so I can get my car serviced? are you insane?

[eldritch-spouse]

holy shit pinnie you really know how to write angst. i was reading your posts about Krulu killing the self of admin and i was flat out crying in my bed.

couple curiosities abt it though, is there any possibility that Admin could ever come back to their full self and is Krulu ever haunted by nightmares of Admin? (if he does sleep and dream that is. but i’m imagining like, Krulu finally getting a fitful night of rest and the moment he closes his eyes he’s greeted by admin back to their full self before being forced to lose them again by his own hands) Thank you for the wonderful content pinnie<3 your blog gives me great joy

[You're welcome! Really? Because most angst doesn't really inspire me. Stuff like "well, what if you killed yourself" or sporadic events that cause death just sort of tire me out. "What if reader cuts themselves?"/"what if reader is depressed?". I've grown very tired of those. The thing with you and Krulu was new.]

There were times after that specific scenario where I humored you coming back, but wrong. Not as an undead, but just fucked up. Something happened to your soul during the process, as is likely- Krulu has no idea how difficult it is to pry an intact soul from Dorem's hands these days. And you're clearly not the same person, everyone notices.

You lose track of things, you say stuff that you never would before, you seem genuinely apathetic over most of what goes on, in spite of the way Krulu trained you to feign care and respect. There are moments where that carefully drilled facade falters and you just look... Empty. Confused. As if asking why you're still alive. You're not truly there, some part of you was forever obliterated in this process, memories are missing, your capacity to love is non-existent, as is the ability to hate.

Sometimes, when you have nothing specific to do, you'll grab things that can potentially kill a human and just look at them for a long time. It goes against your indoctrinated mind to hurt yourself, because Krulu would take it as an insult- But you also know that you shouldn't be here. The keeper is calling for your soul. You're lost. Return to him.

Your bizarre behavior doesn't end there, as you've also taken to being amongst corpses when nothing calls to you. It seems right, why aren't you rotting?

You can survive without food for so much longer than you should have. In fact, you hardly have an appetite. You hardly feel pain. Or pleasure. Or most things. Something both the staff and Krulu do their best to collectively ignore.

The bucket tips when Krulu calls you to his floor and silently shows you the raven figurine.

And you, blank as a canvas, with wind in your mind, simply put on the smile you know he likes to see. There's no hint of recognition, no crumb of genuine thought, not even muscle memory seems to have stuck with you.

He's livid beyond words and meaning.

The next day, no one questions what's happening when you start your shift with the very same figurine protruding from your chest in a bloodied mess, where your heart supposedly is. You don't look to be in pain, or care much about it, but it's shattering their illusion.

Because now, they have no choice but to admit that even more irreversible damage was done to you.

Not just your body, but your soul.

In his effort to bring you back, Krulu made sure that there will never be a vestige of you ever again.

And that's enough to make him want to bury himself under The Clergy to die and rot.