#I've found that realising this has changed how I react to the word woman

[forwomenbiwomen]

Sometimes it just makes me deeply, helplessly angry that we don't even have a word for women that doesn't originate from "wife man". And then I get into a spiral of realising over again just how powerful language is, and how immensely saturated it is with both subtle and overt misogyny. And THEN I get into a spiral of how unbelievably long "women" have been subjected to misogyny that we literally don't have a word for women that doesn't position us as property of men.

[natashaashleymarvelromanoff]

Im so glad you’re back  chapter 2

So here’s my second chapter!! I was originally planning on uploading this on Friday but I couldn’t help but upload it early!!

Next chapter should be up soon and I hope you enjoy this one!

Please leave a comment and tell me your thoughts or ideas

You can also read this fic on AO3:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19045453/chapters/45375688#workskin

  It's been 3 weeks. Or more specifically 22 days since the snap. Since they lost half of the universe. Half of the planet. Half of their friends.

All Natasha could do was work. She needed to do something. Anything. Anything that could help them.  She barely slept. Afraid to be alone in her bed having got so used to having her soldier there. She didn't even have sam or Wanda to keep her company either. They both were lost to the snap too. All three of her friends that she had spent the last 2 years with, they were gone. She could barely eat as well. Anything she did she couldn't keep down. Everyone left had noticed that the snap had affected her the most, just in the way she had changed since they had known her. Even Carol who she had only just met noticed how distraught she had seemed to the rest of them.

It took them a few days but eventually using the pager they found they were able to send the signal to her. And thankfully she came.

Carol felt for the woman. She had obviously lost someone important to her, they all did but she suspected it was more than just friends. She didn't want to ask Natasha directly, but she figured she lost the love of her life by the way she was reacting.

---

The white glow of the bathroom light stings Natasha's eyes as she looks up into the mirror. The blonde could barely even look at herself anymore, her own face, proof that she hadn't been taking care of herself. Bags under her eyes, the paleness in her skin. She could barely even keep food down for god's sake. She's experienced loss before, she'd been through battle, missions, and wars, but this, the aftermath of the snap. This had shaken her to her core.

Just as she observed herself in the mirror the ground started to shake. Almost like an earthquake. Almost. It wasn't the ground that started it, it was coming from above.

Rushing out of the bathroom in her room and Grabbing a jacket the blonde spy ran outside of the Avengers compound along with bruce rhodey and pepper. In the distance of the sky, she could see a small glow underneath a massive ship. It was Carol, she was back, she’d found them.

Once they had talked to Carol when she first got here, they had explained that some of their friends were still missing, on another planet somewhere. Rocket told her that he could help track his ship if she was able to go get it. It took a while but they worked to locate it and found it drifting in the middle of space. Once Rocket had confirmed it was his ship she left to go bring it back. They didn't know who she would be bringing back though. There was no way to communicate with the ship since it was damaged from the fight on Titan, they would just have to wait.

Natasha watched as Carol carefully brought down the ship and landed it on the field, she hoped they found more than 1 of them. Rocket had lost his tree friend Groot. She didn't want him to lose everyone. And god she hoped her friends were still alive.

Once the ship was steady, the ramp for the entrance came down. Stumbling from the inside of the ship was tony. Natasha instantly ran to grab him along with Rhodey. God she was glad to see him, she let herself smile for just a moment before she got closer to him, He was so thin, so tired. He'd been up there for too long.

“I've got you tony, don't worry.” Grabbing onto his arms to support him, Natasha let Tony use her as a crutch, whilst reassuring him that she could help him. He was gasping for breath, having almost run out he was gulping as much as he could. His mouth dryly trying to speak to her as they made their way down the ramp.

“I lost everyone. I lost the kid.” The man of iron sounded so defeated. Natasha let a tear fall at his words. The kid, Peter. Peter was gone. Peter was awfully sweet when she met him. God, He was only 17. Shaking her head at Tony she tries to give him a sad smile, trying to make him feel better.

“It's okay, it's okay, it wasn't your fault.” As they get to the bottom of the ramp, Natasha loses her grip on her oldest friend, letting him walk the rest of the distance to his love.

Pepper practically ran over, her arms wrapping around tony as she pulled him closer.

Natasha watched as they reunited, she couldn't be more thankful that she got her friend back but there would always be a small part of her that was jealous that they still had each other.

---

“He used the stones again?” Natasha asked the racoon. After giving Tony some treatment and letting him rest, the rest of the Avengers gathered in the common room, trying to formulate a plan. The rocket was explaining to them that the stones created a power surge, bigger than anything anyone has seen before. Something so unique that they would know if a power surge like that ever showed up again, it would be Thanos and the stones. Luckily he and nebula traced another surge, exactly the same as the snap on another planet. Far across the galaxies.

“You don't think he used them to kill people again do you?” Rhodey asked as he walked closer to the hologram in front of them.

“I doubt it. If that's what he had done we would've known about it.” this time it was nebula who answered Rhodey's question, her deep voice sounded pained at talking of her father.

“We need to get them back. If we get the stones we can bring everyone back. We owe it to everyone who’s not in this room to try.” This is it. Natasha thought. They finally found something. They had a chance. She almost thought she might have sounded crazy as she spoke since no one agreed straight away. Until someone did.

“Your right. We need to try. We have to.” it was Carol. Natasha could already tell her and Carol were going to get along well.

…..

Since Carol had brought tony and nebula home, rocket and the blue cyborg had been working relentlessly to fix their ship. And she guesses they finally did. All of the Avengers boarded the ship and strapped themselves in their seats, rhodey sat at the back, Natasha and Thor next to each other, Carol and rocket in the pilot seats and finally bruce and nebula sat down the front of the ship.

Rocket slowly flew their ship into the atmosphere and then suddenly slowed down, talking about how they were ready to hyperjump, or something similar, Natasha wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. All she could think about was getting everyone back.

"Okay, which ones of you haven't been to space” the racoon spoke up. both her and rhodey raised their hands, and then looked at each other in almost a worried way.

“ Don't throw up in my ship.”

Then they jumped.

The Russian had never seen anything like it before, it was beautiful. Space just flinging past her at light speed as she travelled through the universe. Out of instinct, Natasha turned to her right, ready with a small quip about star wars. But when she realised there was nothing there except the interior of the ship, she slightly turned into herself. She’d almost forgot that he wasn't there. It was just second nature to her now to turn to her right.

A few seconds later the ship entered another hyperspace portal or whatever it was called.

They were here.

Flying out from the ship, Carol used her powers to fly out in the middle of space, turning back to the ship she told them she would look to see if he was alone or what they were up against. To see if he had armies or defence.

He didn't. There was nothing. No army, no defence, no satellites. Nothing. It's just him

----

Using the ship to enter the atmosphere they landed it quietly in the field.

The purple titan moved slowly around his farm, preparing himself food when suddenly he was attacked, but he didn't have the strength to fight back. They had overpowered him.

As thor and carol restrained him, Bruce and rhodey used their weapons and suits to threaten him to stay where he was, Natasha walked up through the door. Marching up to the monster in front of her, she asked him calmly, to give her the stones. He struggled to reply since carols arms were choking his neck but the words he could get out left her devastated. He didn't have them. He destroyed them.

“I Used the power of the stoner's to destroy themselves. Reducing them to atoms. They're gone for good. They served their purpose.” No One knew what to believe. All shocked from what they had heard.

“No. no, they can't be. Where are they.” Natasha shouted into his face, her eyes wet with tears, brimming, threatening to fall down her cheeks in front of this nightmare creature.

“I told you. They're gone. I'm inevita-” with the swing of an axe his words were cut off. Along with his head.

Natasha gasped as she watched Thanos's head fall to the floor in front of her. He was dead.

Looking up at the axe’s owner, her eyes fell on thor. His face showing nothing but sadness and guilt.

“What did you do thor?” marching over to the god, her body filled with rage and sadness, she stopped herself in front of the large god and angrily watched him. Waiting for his answer. All thor could do was look at her in sadness. In guilt and sorrow.

“Why did you do that?” she yelled. Then he felt a blow to his chest. Natasha had hit him. To the god, it felt like nothing. But to her, it was all her pent up rage being channelled into her fists as she hit his chest over and over and over again, at the fact that he had killed the monster that had the stones.

She got a few blows into his body as she raged before he grabbed her arms and pulled her into his chest, the Russian avenger had tears running down her face at this point and just fell into her friend's arms defeated. Thor knew she was mourning for Steve and all their friends, but so was he. That's all they could do now, and they knew it. There's nothing they could do. Just mourn. This was it. Their last chance and they were too late.

The ride home was silent. Natasha sat at the back this time on her own. All she wanted to do was be alone right now, as she waited to arrive home she Just silently cries to herself. There was nothing she could do. She lost everyone, her friends, bucky, sam, wanda, Steve.

This was it. There was nothing, no chance. She lost him for good this time.

Once they arrived back home, Natasha made sure she was the first one off. Practically running back to her room at the compound so she could be alone. Not even bothering to remove her uniform before she made it to the bathroom, Natasha immediately went for the toilet, hunching over it and throwing up. The journey of travelling through space being too much for her body to handle right now, she was tired, with everything she had been through it didn't surprise her she was coughing her guts up every day.

Standing back up from the toilet, Natasha pushed herself away and back into her bedroom, her small fingers pulling at her belts, buckles and zips, releasing her from the tightness of her suit. She had changed into more comfy apparel, it was almost midnight here, all she wanted to do was go to bed and just sleep to escape the reality she was living at the moment. But as she pulled back the covers, her eye caught one of the photos she had next to her bed.

It was of Cooper and Lila holding Nathaniel when he was just a few weeks old. Looking at the photo hurt her. When they came back to new york the first people she tried to check on where the Bartons. But she couldn't get through to them. And when they went to check themselves, her niece and nephews were nowhere to be found. Neither was Laura or Clint. She tried to make herself feel better by thinking maybe they had just left but the picnic bench left outside full of food, that hadn't even been touched and a bowl of salad on the ground confirmed her suspicions.

She’d lost them too. Just looking at their faces, she couldn't help but feel like the universe had been extra cruel to her, taking away her best friends, her godchildren, her soldier, her steve.

She's known them since they were babies. She was there for Laura when she needed help, even to go get her food when she was craving something, even to help Laura through her contractions when she was pregnant with Lila. She remembered every second.

As Natasha reminisced about Laura and the kids, she almost froze on the spot. Dropping the picture, she took a few steps back.

Natashas breathes were getting deeper and deeper as she let her mind race with the facts.

Everything she's been going through. She was tired, sick, more emotional, she hadn't cried this much ever, she assumed it was because of Thanos and losing everybody but this was different, she'd seen this before. With Laura. All three times.

But it was impossible. “I can't- it's not possible,” she whispered to herself. Not believing her own hypothesis. She needed to make sure. She knew for a fact it wasn't possible but she couldn't get the nagging feeling out of her head. If Laura was here she’d know what to do, Natasha thought.

Natasha waited about an hour before she left her room. She assumed everyone would be gone by now, back to their rooms, thinking about their lives and futures and what they were going to do know.

She was doing the same, she needed to know if it was true.

She had to know.

Heading down to the medic lab, Natasha quietly let herself into the clinical room. Rushing over to one of the holo-screens. She used her hands to activate the AI.

“Friday, I need to you to do a scan on me.” she took a breath before she spoke. She couldn't believe what she was about to ask.

“Of course miss Romanoff, is there something wrong? Should I alert the others.” Fridays Irish accent sounded out over the speaker com.

“No! Everything's fine, I just need you to scan me, I just need to make sure.” no one could know about this not right now.

“Yes miss Romanoff, what scan shall I perform.”

“An internal one, mainly across my stomach.”

“Certainly miss Romanoff. “

A light flowed down her body as the artificial intelligence scanned her. Slowly analyzing her internal organs for any signs of her suspicions.

“Your scan is complete.”

Once Friday had stopped talking, her scan glowed in the dim room.

There it was. In black and white. Well, the blue glow of the hologram.

PREGNANT - POSITIVE

Natasha couldn't help but let out a gasp of surprise. It couldn't be? How is it possible. This can't be right. No, it can't be, not without steve here. She refused to believe it.

“Friday run it again, you can't be right. Just run it as many times as you can. “

A few more minutes went by but it felt like a lifetime. She knew what Friday had said but she needs to check. She had to. There's no way she could do this right now, not without Steve. Jesus, as if life had not been cruel enough to her. Not only had her friends been taken but now she may face the possibility of raising a child, their child on her own. In this terrifying new reality, Thanos had created.  She was in the middle of thought when the sound of the AI popped up again.

“Miss Romanoff i re-ran the scan 3000 times. My answer is certain. You are pregnant. I estimate around 2 months.“

“But how is that possible. I'm- in… I can't have kids Friday. This can't be happening, it just can't.”

“I'm well aware of your medical history miss Romanoff but my results are not wrong. You are indeed 2 months pregnant.”

Slightly stumbling backwards Natasha stops against a table, her thighs just hitting the edge at her back. This can't be happening. She was pregnant with her and Steve's child. At the realisation, Natasha's hand subconsciously rested itself on her stomach, where her child lay. She didn't know how to feel. Overjoyed? If she was a normal person in a pre-snap world, then yes. Sad? She just found out she had no hope of bringing her friends back. Numb. that's probably the most accurate feeling right now.

She shouldn't be doing this alone. This was hers and Steve's child. He should be here. He was supposed to be with her when she found out. To celebrate with her. To promise her everything in the world. To protect her and their child. He should be here. He would have been over the moon.  The thought of her child and Steve almost made her sob. He’s wanted a child of his own for as long as he could remember and he finally had it, but he wasn't here.

Suddenly behind her, she heard a noise. Turning her head to find the source

Natashas face falls at the sight of Carol. The glowing words PREGNANT still in bold letters next to her. Carol looked on at Natasha with shock and sorrow in her eyes.

The Russian just looked at Carol in defeat. There was no way of trying to explain this now, and there was no point of denying it either. Natasha turned back round to the words in front of her as Carol walked herself into the room.

“Natasha I- I don't know what to say.” Carol nearly stuttered as she spoke. She couldn't even imagine what Natasha must be feeling right now, she knows Natasha probably didn't want her to know either.

“Neither do I, but I don't think there's a lot to you can say to be honest.” Natasha couldn't move. Still froze in her same position after Carol came in, her eyes welling with tears at the thought of her near future.

“That's probably true but I'll give it a try anyway because I think you might need it.”

“I know how hard today was for you. And I'm sorry about your friends and Steve. But I think you should consider this a gift. You still have a part of him with you now. I know it wasn't supposed to end up like this and you probably never planned this. But now you have a chance to raise this baby. Yours and Steve's. Not everyone is gonna get this chance. You should cherish it. And know you're not alone.”

You're not alone. Those words stick with Natasha, she guesses that it's kind of true. This was her baby, and with it, she'll never be alone again. She had her friends that were still here.

Nodding at carol once she had finished, Carol moved a bit closer and her arms widened a bit opening up so she could give Natasha a hug. Natasha couldn't find the strength to refuse so she gladly hugged Carol back. After a few seconds, Carol and Natasha let go. Carol held onto Natasha's shoulder to comfort her until she pulled away to leave the room.

It's a depressing next few days for the Avengers. For the past 3 weeks they thought they still could have a chance but now they know they didn't, it was just quiet.

The first person to leave was Carol. She explains that she needs to help other people in the universe and that she needs to tell them about what happened and now they know there's not much they can do, she's not much help back on earth. Everyone is understanding, mainly because they want to go their own way too.

Next, are Rocket and Nebula. The last remaining Guardians. The cyborg and the racoon tell the rest they want to get back out there into space, try and get information on anything that could help them get everybody back, and also to help others.

Bruce says he wants time to himself to work things out with the hulk. After their little domestic during the war with Thanos, they needed to sort everything out.

Thor, Natasha can understand the most. He needs to find his people and find them shelter on earth and take care of his people. Thor is their king and she respects that he has other people he needs to take care of.

And rhodey says he wants to go around the earth, helping people and spreading the word of what happened. And helping to deal with the government

And Tony, well tony right now is still trying to get better since he was almost starved of oxygen and food in space for 3 weeks, but pepper was adamant when she told them she's taking him home And they are staying there till he's better. Besides, there was nothing tony could do to help now.

Natasha, of course, accepts everyone's reasons, they have their own lives, she can't expect them to stay here in the compound forever. Once everyone discussed what they were doing, the Russian avenger told them she would miss them.

“what are you gonna do Natasha?”  Rhodey asked her, it took her a few seconds to reply with an answer but she knew what she would do.

“I'm gonna stay here, at the compound.”

Everyone else looks at each other in question, almost worried. She would be all alone surrounded by the memories of all their friends that are gone.

Noticing their looks, Natasha defends her decision to them.

“Guys, stop worrying so much, I can see it on your faces, I'll be fine. Listen I can stay here as ground control, you can keep me updated on everything your doing to let me know your okay and I'll return the favour, this means we can contact each other regularly and gather information. “  their remaining teammates look around at each other again, taking in the spy's words and agreeing to what she was saying.

Natasha made sure not to mention her pregnancy, it would make things a lot harder, she didn't want to stop anyone from going on with their plans. If she left the baby out, everyone could just leave and not feel bad.

Through the course of the next week, Carol, rocket, nebula, Bruce, Thor, Rhodey, Pepper and Tony all leave one by one. Leaving Natasha alone in the compound. Just her, a hundred rooms full of memories and her baby.