#I've never been scared of needles before and that has been sort of a point of pride for me

[greetings-humans]

what if i am malicious or mean-spirited? what then?

you say it like you aren't, you FUCKING BULLY

but let's ignore the fact that your love language IS BULLYING so that i can disprove those preposterous rumours of cowardice that you've been spreading around about me

meeting noel wasn't really a life-altering experience but deciding to invite him over for that first movie night that lead to a sleep over definitely was. see noel has this type of... disarming confidence that sort of scared me at first, but after a long rant about anime (and the assurance that there was something queer afoot with this guy), i decided to give this a try yknow? after all this is uni and I'm not in my home town and I don't wanna have zero friends here so i put on my big human pants and gave it a shot.

you would not believe how well it worked. see noel has this loud unabashed and pretty much shameless personality that i wasn't sure if i could work with. I'm the type of person that has a history of always being the one to compromise for the louder personality without saying anything and letting things bottle up until i literally decide to cut the other off, so i was cautious about managing my old bad habits and not letting them have a say in this new friendship.

enter stage right noel, who is loud and shameless but so so fucking considerate, who will ask and check, who is so careful about not making me feel uncomfortable (and the fact that i never feel bad about redirecting a conversation because of that speaks for itself). noel, who will initiate conversations that feel so meta because talking about your friendship with the friend involved isn't something i was used to at that point WHICH IS INSANE BECAUSE ITS SO USEFUL.

funnily enough, despite his loud energy (and i have never found anything funnier than this), his gamer rage is a "ts" that barely sounds mildly annoyed. it's endearing and utterly hilarious.

also, and i know noel being autistic plays a part in this but let me tell you, as someone that gets anxious and is a bit of an overthinker, the honesty that's always a part of my interactions with noel is so refreshing. and the fact that on top of all this, this guy doesn't even complain about living in a state of semi-constant confusion at my sarcasm. and by sarcasm, i mean that i sarcastically responded to noel telling me that I'm a sarcastic person okay? it's not just your casual run-of-the-mill thing, i live and breathe in sarcasm and this guy right here (who called me an eldritch being which feels like such a compliment) doesn't even complain. IN FACT i had to needle him into telling me to use /j or /s via texting, which he would never bring up himself ig and honestly. YOU'RE SO CONSIDERATE BUT NOT TO YOURSELF.

ahem moving on. noel is a also a fucking bully in the most loving way possible. we once highjacked a video call for a uni project just to snipe at each other with petty fake (or not so fake but meant with love) insults BECAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE THE ABUSE AND I STAND BY THIS; HE STARTED IT.

he's the guy that calls me out so. much. who loves to needle me and tease me because that's what i signed up for apparently. it took me a bit to figure out how to go about it in a way that didn't lead to me accidentally internalizing the wrong thing, but once i figured that out it was game on.

conversations with noel will span from us aggressively calling each other out, to pretending to be a victorian couple to yelling about cute animals and raving about our specific extremely interesting thing at the moment. this guy has shown me so many different and diverse fandoms, from the owl house (which i still need to finish but whatever) to bee and puppycat to anything link and hyrule related. in return, i try to keep my rants about star wars (which i absolutely love and he absolutely cannot stand to listen too much about) to a minimum (which only works sometimes, sorry). and this right here is so important to me.

I've never had this dynamic before. this mutual understanding of i scream about my thing and you scream about your thing, and we focus as much as we can and if we can't we let the other know and they can scream later or scream via text so we can see it in a few days. that is something that i will never stop appreciating, something that i just wont stop loving about me and noel.

noel is the guy that's always there when i drop drinks (milk and alcohol most notably) on my carpet because istg it never happens when I'm alone or with anyone else. noel is the guy that decided to start writing down this wild au i pitched at him, which we started obsessing over and developing for the entirety of january iirc (and this is what urged me to also start writing about it and suddenly we're writing buddies which is such a fun and interesting experience).

he's the guy that was worried that me losing my social battery meant he did something wrong (something that i hope I've disproved by now, and also I NEVER SEEM TO LOSE MY BATTERY WITH THIS GUY?? I've literally never had this happen with any of my other friends but with noel it takes so long for me to me to go mm i need alone time),

noel has also, at many points this last year, practically moved in with me and yknow what? the absolute peace and calm adoration that i felt when i got home from a uni meeting to see him on my chair drawing, there are no words for it i swear

[voidicbismuth]

My obligation to my kin whom I will never meet

On Friday nights, I go to a movie night with people I know from my community theatre. It's usually me, two cishet fellows and one cis gay man, whom is very old fashioned. Sometimes we have people who come and watch with us for a night but not the next. We usually watch 2 movies, have fun and call it a night.

But for the last 2 nights, one of the guys, who I'll be referring to as W, has been making some transphobic comments. It's nothing particularly unique, just the stock standard sneer about pronouns or something equally benign, or making fun of an enby friend of mine.

With the last visit, I did a bit of pushback, but the night ended with a long-winded conversation where I have to try and debunk his talking points but it was no use. The other two, while not as involved as W, were agreeing with him mostly.

Now I am sitting here and facing a bit of a moral dilemma. After I got home I spent a lot of time thinking about what W said, debunking his points and trying to come up with new points or arguments and I realized something. This would be the second night where I've come back from this feeling like crap, crestfallen to see him and others like him being idiots for no discernable reason.

On the other hand, I come off as straight quite easily, I hate coming off as grating or annoying so a lot of the time I tone myself down to be less of a hassle. I'm probably a lot of people's only exposure to non-gay people and that, I think, gives me a lot of leverage to change their minds when they are acting queerphobic.

I'm empathetic, possibly to the point of a flaw, but I try to listen and understand regardless of what you're saying. I also try to make them empathize and understand others who aren't cis or straight. But what if it's not working?

Because of my position of being unobtrusive and otherwise affable, I think I have an obligation, a duty, to speak for my trans siblings everywhere to try and stop people from spreading shit against them.

But what should I be willing to lose of myself to help them?

This is sort of the crux of what my whole post is about. I am in a position of privilege, leverage, a position to make a change. And I don't know if I'm doing enough. Have I actually changed someone's mind? Have I actually made them self-examine, or are they just tiptoeing around me because I've made them think I'm going to go off at them because I care about this so deeply?

Every time, I hear those jokes, those insults, a small part of me is hurt. A needle against my skin, sending me pain which I cannot remove. I try and speak them out of it but that just opens up the path for more needles. It just keeps coming and it makes me want to retreat... like a coward.

But then I think about my queer friends and how they must feel about it. They don't have the choice of retreat, they can't just not engage, for them it's either endurance or death. and then I think further on and I think about all the other trans people who have been hurt, are hurting, are dying and I once again feel like a coward for wincing at a candle when they are in a blaze.

I can try and keep putting myself in there, but I don't know how long I can keep it up. I want to put me, myself, my mind and body on the line but bits of me keep falling away, like necrotic carrion and I'm starting to get scared of what's going to be left behind when I am done.

So I'm facing this dilemma, of seeing how everyone else is hurting and knowing I can do so much work to help them all, maybe work that would get through better than if they did it, but possibly becoming less and less as time goes on. Or I leave, reaping the benefits of all of my queer forbearers who worked damn hard to put me in this place where I can live happily like this and spitting in their faces and in my friends faces.

Excuse the vent, but I had to put it somewhere before I explode

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #178

What was the last big change through which you went? Do you deal well with change, typically? Have you always? The very obvious answer is how much my legs have improved. Walking is usually more uncomfortable than fucking agony nowadays, and after being so used to the extreme weakness in my legs, I've come leaps and bounds. Change can still stress me out, but I've definitely gotten friendlier towards it.

What is something fun you have done within the past week? I watched Girt finish Nier; it's his all-time favorite game so I loved watching him be all enthusiastic about it and share interesting stuff. I'd actually already seen him play it once, MANY years ago, but I completely didn't remember the plot (he finished the game when I was so done and VERY much barely conscious lol), and this time he played the "Replicant" remake, so the quality of everything was improved. I thought it was great, its soundtrack is especially astounding.

Have you ever read any self-help books? Nah, I'm not nearly interested enough in the genre to get past a couple pages.

Do you thank the bus driver? Yes, you should thank any person that serves the public; bus drivers, waiters, everything. That's just common sense to me, like it's so rude to not show appreciation for someone serving YOUR needs. "But it's their job to ____," I don't give a fuck say thank you you ungrateful shit.

Are you scared of needles? Only very long needles that penetrate very deeply.

Do you know anyone who is/was a drug addict? Yes.

Do you tend to cave into peer pressure? No.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? Yes.

Who was the last person you went to the movies with? Girt. I'm TRYING to talk him into seeing Barbie now lmfao, I don't think it's happening though. It kinda surprised me how unwilling he is, and I do kiiiinda worry he's fallen into the "it shits on men too hard" crowd, but I don't know.

Do you ever fear falling asleep? Well yes, for some reason no doctor has been able to confidently figure out, I have severe nightmares/terrors nearly any time I fall asleep. This has been going on for years though so by THIS point it's not so much fear, but annoyance.

What do you think is the youngest age someone should lose their virginity? I'd personally be very nervous if I knew my kid was having sex before 16, but I'm completely aware that it's not very realistic; teens developing a genuine libido is gonna happen and they're gonna do what teens do. I feel like this would, for the most part, vary with the person and their level of maturity and self-discipline, but what do I know.

Do you believe in abstaining from sex until marriage? That's a personal choice that isn't mine to make for anyone but me, HOWEVER I do see how waiting until you're legally bound to see how sexually compatible you are may not be a great idea. That's very important to some people so you should know this before you get married, in my own personal opinion.

What is your sexual orientation? Pansexual.

What is something you have acquired with age? TOLERANCE, open-mindedness, the ability to see what's right and wrong is almost never black and white and those also aren't the same thing for every single person, and that's okay. I've definitely learned to see that the world isn't experienced only through my own eyes and my moral compass.

Do you enjoy history? I really don't, I do believe it's important to know history to be aware of what's been tried and failed + why, but I'm just not interested, man. I also was so bad at dates and names and I just found it all boring.

Have you ever changed religions? Haha three times I guess; OG was Roman Catholic just because I was raised that way from birth, but it quickly turned to Christianity, in my earlier 20s I felt the most connection to Neo-Paganism, now I'm an agnostic/atheist of sorts. Got very high doubts that's ever changing.

Have you ever lied about your gender? Nah.

Have you ever designed your own Facebook timeline cover? I've EDITED pictures for that purpose, but I've never like, made some sort of collage or anything for this purpose.

What is one site that closed down that you wish would come back? Give me back my kabam.com Dragons of Atlantis game please I want it back the app is not the same

Are you a fan of the Saw movies? I've never really watched them, honestly, and I'm not very interested just because of the SHEER level of "you don't want to picture this" the traps are. It's not the gore that gets me, I just don't want to imagine going through that stuff; physically seeing it in movie form is anxiety-inducing.

Do you ever forget how old your siblings are? Only my half-siblings; I have none of their ages memorized. It's not that I care less because they're "just half," instead it's that they're not regulars in my life, like I see them once every good few years for a few days at most.

Who last talked about kissing you? Girt, I'm sure.

Did you speak to your father today? No, I haven't for a while. And I'm sure I won't until my nephew's birthday party on the 19th.

Would you ever get gauged ears? The first holes in my earlobes are; they're only 4mm and I don't plan on going any larger because one ear in particular will almost certainly tear if I push it any further.

Do you believe in moving in together before engagement or marriage? That's MY preference, like I definitely think it's wise to see how you exist in the same home before you tie the knot.

Did you ever give a hickey to the last person you kissed or you guys didn’t go that far? Yes.

List five of your favorite YouTubers. Markiplier (I don't really watch his content anymore but he as a person I still adore), GameGrumps, Rhett & Link (I haven't watched their stuff in many years now, but like Mark, I still adore them as individuals), John Wolfe, and Snake Discovery are all up there, but I definitely love more than five.

What pet names do you use with your significant other? All the usual ones I can think of, some far more than others.

Who is your best online friend? Mazzy and Tez aren't just my best online friends, they're my closest friends out of anyone if you're not counting my boyfriend and mother.

Who knows more about you: online friends or offline? HAHAHAHA ONLINE, I have ALWAYS been WAY more open about myself online, especially in terms of hobbies and interests and artistic stuff I do.

What’s something you find unconventionally romantic? Someone teaching you about something they're passionate about. Like how sweet is it that they wanna share that joy with you. YES you can overdo this and be overbearing about it, but in willing doses, I think this is very cute to share your passions.

List 3-10 things in nature you find amazing. Sentient existence itself (hell, even non-aware organisms are fucking fascinating), outer space, evolution, life and death and how it goes back into life in an everlasting cycle, mountains and volcanoes, canyons where you can see time right in front of your face in the layers of rock, fossils, really clear water, love and affection being exhibited beyond just the human species, and the deep ocean. I could go on for a LONG time, nature is endlessly fascinating.

What is one song that you've been listening to on repeat lately? "Platz Eins" by Lindemann is one.

Do you enjoy creative writing? Yes, very much.

Do you sleep with just a sheet in summer when it's hot? No, I change out blankets. Thicker comforter in the cold months, a thin blanket when it's hot.

Do you get bursts of creative energy or is it more consistent? I feel like I definitely have this baseline creativity going on, like I get especially artistic ideas so regularly (I have ongoing lists of a variety of art-based projects I wanna get to some day), however I absolutely do have bursts of increased creative drive. I fucking love those.

Have you ever been chased by a dog? Not by one that had any intention of hurting me; just pets chasing while playing.

Is your voice high, low, or somewhere in the middle? It's definitely lower than your average woman's.

What's the next friend or family birthday coming up? Will you buy them a present? Mom's is the 5th. And no, I have literally no source of income so I physically can't even buy her a candy bar or some shit, and it's fucking embarrassing and honestly agonizing to be That Person who goes into her bday empty-handed. I could write or draw something, but I haven't been able to think of what yet...

What was the last book you read? I'm currently reading Wings of Fire: Darkness of Dragons by Tui T. Sutherland. I've gotten into the habit of reading before bed and I'm enjoying it.

What are your plans for tomorrow? Nothing.

Is there a gang problem in your area? Not in my very specific area, but this city absolutely does, no one likes this place.

Do you make your Starbucks order more complicated if it isn't busy? I don't even go to Starbucks.

Would you date an already attached person? Hell no. In MY romantic relationships, you're picking me or them, and there's no in-between.

When you marry, will you wear white? I doubt it, I think I'm probably gonna wear black. But white is still possible.

Is there anything significant happening this month? Mom's and Ryder's birthdays, and I know Ryder will have a party. This weekend I'm going to Girt's sister's new place for the first time; I know that's not really "significant," but dude, anything that breaks my daily routine is worthwhile to mention in my world lol.

What are your grandfathers’ names? I only remember my mom's dad's name, which was William.

Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Living to 27 and not seeing a single snake, at least here, would be extremely odd. Yeah, I've seen plenty, I have a pet snake in my own house.

Do you know anyone that has been held hostage before? Oh yikes, not that I know of.

Can you ever hear dogs barking from your house? Does it annoy you? Yes, and admittedly yeah, it does. Our next-door neighbor particularly has a big dog named Kira, and she is CONSTANTLY barking, and she's not an indoor dog (she's behind a proper fence, calm down), so you certainly hear her. It doesn't annoy me to the point I'm gonna go bitch about it, but dogs barking is a noise I just do not like.

What's your main reason for booking taxis? I've never been in a legit taxi; they're not really a thing around here. I've taken an Uber with my mother literally once in my entire life, because of car problems.

When was the last time you saw your partner (or your best friend)? He was here yesterday; we finished Silent Hill 2 finally and that was fun, I was glad he liked it. It was nice, the last visit we played his favorite game of all time, and this time we closed off mine.

How did you sleep last night? Surprisingly very good.

Do you like candy corn? No, it's disgusting to me.

Are you bored right now? Yes; my anhedonia has been VERY severe the past few weeks. We're in the process of adjusting meds because I'm pretty sure I've reached the point of developing an immunity to something. It's happened with my psych meds many times before, so I expected it to happen again.

Do your grandparents speak English as a first language? Yeah, to my knowledge they all only spoke English.

Do you remember to turn lights off in the rooms you're not actively using? Yes, when you live in a family that actually has to worry about their bills you learn this shit quick lmfao.

Do you have many snacks in your house right now? No, Mom and I avoid that because we're very "out of sight, out of mind" with food, and if unhealthy shit is here, we're gonna eat it. It's just healthier for us to not have stuff available to us.

Do you keep alcohol in your house? Not regularly, no. I uh, think. Maybe Mom has alcohol somewhere, but I doubt it; both of us only drink usually for holidays, and never a lot.

Did you have a bunk bed when you were a kid? Yes, for me and my younger sister. I started off in the top bunk, but in my pre-teen years before Ashley moved out and I got her room, I preferred the bottom bunk.

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Resist': New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out!

"Resist"

"I need to resist...I need to resist..."

Chapter Summary: Yirina is trying to struggle at her best against what's Bellamy & Sarah are doing to her in that cell, the need for resistance has never been higher for her since Verdansk...

Link of the Picrew here!

To read it on AO3, click here!

Words : +3100

Taglist : @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Only you...this is the only song that I could hear right now as I was trying to struggle with the links they put around my legs & wrists but they were strong, the same as what happened in Verdansk. My left eye was hurting me at my highest point, feeling the injection they did to it and that was the biggest pain that I could feel, this was the only thing right now along with the ropes tying me up on that chair in the dark, in the middle of the room, that song in my ears and impossible to cry for help...that grey tape over my mouth...

That song was keeping me awake, avoiding me to close my eyes and try to no think about that situation and it was surely something that Sarah, Beck, Bellamy & Lukas wanted to do with me: making me suffer more & more until I broke down at their demands and for that, they got no better way...but to reenact what the CIA did to me...what Stitch did to me in Verdansk and they were doing it...either to finish what Stitch couldn't do...or just as a mean of torture...for their fun until I crack...but I need to stop it...

But nothing was going to help me here, no one was coming and Zasha...I don't know what's happening to them at the moment but...I'm fearing the worst and each time I was thinking of it, it was stressful, adding this to the pain I'm having. The only thing that could give me a hint of the time passing was...when the light was going on and the same people were coming inside the cell, repeating the same procedure with me: holding my head still...before Sarah came with her needle to inject it inside my left eye, adding more pain than before to that eye before going away and leaving me alone with that song in my ears...

The more time was passing, the more my body was willing to give up, my hands almost not responding when I was trying to move them, the ropes blocking them to do that and forcing them to stay with their palms on the armrests. Then, as I was giving my best to not give up control and stay up even if I wanted to sleep, the light goes on again, making me scared on the inside...it was going to be...the fifth injection that was going to make at me...five hours...and I will add one soon...as the door got open...

"Fuck..." I was surprised to see with what my left eye could see with the other one, Lukas himself accompanied by Beck and I was able to hear them despite the song in my ears, going lower than before. "What are they doing with her?" He demanded, entering inside the cell with his friend wearing a big black leather jacket.

"Scheisse...Nicht was Gutes, Lukas [Shit...not something good, Lukas,]" Beck replied in german, his eyes looking over me and sounding a bit worried. "Was genau machen Bellamy & Sarah mit ihr? [What exactly are Bellamy & Sarah doing with her?]" He added.

"Glaubst du, sie leidet darunter? [Do you think she's suffering from it?]" Lukas asked, joining into speaking german to Beck as I was trying to keep my eyes open at them.

"What do you think? Of course," Beck told him, his hands moving around my head to remove the earsets of my right wrist. "Just look at her, Lukas, she's hurt," He admitted before I could start to feel the rope around my left wrist going off, my eyes going wide as Beck was untying me.

"Ingo, what are you doing?" Lukas questioned him in a surprised and not-so-happy voice. "You're doing this after what she did to us? To Stone?"

"Lukas!" Beck said in a harsh tone, stopping as he turn his head to look at Lukas. "Maybe she did this but...she isn't deserving it at all," He confessed, a look on his face meaning it. "Imagine that it was you on that chair, would you like it?" He asked him, me trying to understand what's going between the two. "I'm maybe hating her for what she did but I've got a heart,"

"Ingo, she...she killed Stone," Lukas insisted, his right hand pointing at me

"I know but I can't let her suffer that, not after what I learned," Beck implied as for me, I was trying to keep a normal breath, feeling my heart beating a bit faster than usual. "Forgiveness, Lukas, forgiveness," He muttered, Lukas, looking down at his feet before he sniffs and then, moving at me to get the rope of my right wrist away. "Thank you, Lukas,"

"I'm not doing this for her but for you, Ingo," Lukas admitted in a raised voice, moving to untie my legs along with Beck before the latter finally decided to get the grey tape off my lips, my mouth finally feeling free...

"Thanks...thanks..." I chuckled, my voice sounding very low and very thirsty and even if my hands were free, there was like no strength in them to move...including my legs...

"Come on, help me to get her off that chair," Beck ordered, wrapping his arms around my left armpit before Lukas joined him, wrapping his own arms around me, the two getting me up from the chair and moving me behind. "There, should be better than this chair," Beck suggested as I could feel my back against the wall before the two put me down on the ground, finding myself back at the same spot before I was put on that chair.

"Ingo, we shouldn't do this," Lukas said after the two let go of me, my head looking down with my hands over my chest, just seeing from my view their feet. "If Bellamy & Sarah are seeing us..."

"No, I don't give a fuck about what they're saying," Beck cut him in straight in his words. "We're not monsters and if they saw us, I'll take the responsibility," He declared in a clear voice before I could see him kneel in front of me. "They didn't even tell her that she was here, preferring to make her suffer for their own good," He added, seemingly talking to someone but my mind was too much confused to know who it was.

"I thought that they told her," Lukas sounded confused at what Beck as a hand came into my vision, getting under my chin to get my head up, my eyes drifting to see Beck in front of me.

"See what they did? She's looking bad," Beck commented, checking me before he turns his head around back at Lukas. "Give me some water, she's thirsty," He demanded, Lukas immediately complying and getting outside the cell quickly, leaving me with Beck.

"Thank...thank you..." I whispered, keeping a lower voice.

"No need, just doing what's better," He told me in a normal voice, his hand staying below my chin to keep my head up. "I should hate you like Lukas but no,"

"Why...why not...hate me?" I demanded, trying to find my words and also to form a sentence without taking a breath.

"Forgiveness," He replied in a low voice before I could briefly see Lukas coming back inside the cell with a bottle in his hands.

"Here," Lukas handed over the bottle to Beck, staying up as Beck take it in his left hand.

"Here, drink some," He moved the bottle towards me, my lips slowly opening as Beck made me drink the water from the bottle at a slow pace, Lukas looking at me with crossed arms. "Should be good," Beck said, removing the bottleneck from my lips.

"Thanks..." I muttered, trying to form a smile with my lips at them but then, I could see Beck's eyes focused on my left eye.

"Oh, Scheisse," He cursed, his right hand moving near my eyes for a better look. "It's not looking great...almost infected," He commented before he look down at his black leather jacket. "Scheisse, it needs to be properly healed," He then removed his hands off me to get his jacket off him.

"What's...happening?" I asked him as he was taking things from his jacket.

"Your eye isn't looking great to see," He responded, gathering the few sorts of bandages that he was having around his vest.

"And I thought that you were wearing a dickey," Lukas scoffed like that, looking at Beck on the ground.

"Lukas, no time to laugh, help me or get out!" Beck ordered in a harsh tone in his voice before Lukas let out a sigh from his mouth, proceeding to kneel down along with Beck next to me. "Good, hold her head, I will apply some bandages and maybe they will stop injecting her with that thing," He suggested, Lukas, complying with his order to get my head still while Beck was wrapping a part of my

head with his bandages, covering a part of my face and dividing my vision...

"What the fuck are you two doing?" I then heard a loud voice inside the cell that frightened me as Beck & Lukas suddenly stop in their moves to look in the direction of the door, seeing Bellamy with Sarah...holding a handcuffed Zasha, still in their uniform and with stitches on their face, tape covering their mouth. "Who told you that you could be here?" He demanded.

"We wanted to see how she was, that was it," Beck replied in a normal voice, standing up aside to let me see Bellamy entering with Sarah.

"That's none of your business," Sarah commented, keeping Zasha in front of her as she got inside too. "That's mine & Bellamy's business to do the necessary with her," She added.

"Maybe but..."

"There's not but, Lukas," Sarah cut Lukas straight in his words with a bad tone before she decides to throw on the ground Zasha who lands at least one meter from me at my right. "From now on, Krypto will be staying with her and her...she will stay on that chair," She told them, not even looking at how Zasha was when they landed.

"Sorry but I'm protesting to this," Beck decided to make a stand, me trying to move towards Zasha to see if they were okay...completely avoiding to listen to the others...

"Zed..." I muttered, handing over my hand to them in a slow move, their eyes looking at me with a shock.

"MMhmm...mmhmm..." They tried to say through the tape as they managed to slide towards me on the ground, allowing me to get their mouth to my reach and trying to get it off, them moving their head on the side to get it off...

"Hey, what do you think you're..." Bellamy's voice suddenly spoke up in our direction as he was going to come to us until he was stopped...by Beck who put his hand above his chest to stop him.

"Not anymore, Bellamy," Beck told him in a clear voice, keeping his hand on him. "Hurting them for fun, I'm not tolerating it here," He continued as I could see from my right eye, Bellamy's face in anger.

"Who do you think you are, Beck?" Bellamy demanded, his voice according to his face as Zasha & I were staying silent at seeing Beck like this...taking our defenses... "Should I..."

"Yeah, yeah, we know, you're the boss's son, we can't put a hand on you but not here," Beck interrupted him, his voice meaning it as the others were also silent at this. "So, you're leaving the two alone until we can transfer them away in two days after your mission,"

"Sorry, but who are you?" Sarah decides to step in, crossing her arms and looking at Beck. "You're under our orders so cut it out and leave Bellamy alone," She ordered to Beck, exchanging glares with him but Beck was insisting on it and...

"Shit," I then muttered in a low voice as my head was starting to hurt me slower but becoming more strong as the seconds were passing, feeling my left eye in those bandages stinging by a lot, struggling to close down with my right one.

"Yi-...Yirina?" Zasha whispered, sounding worried as I could move my left hand on the side of my head.

"I....resist...resist..." I talked to myself, my eyes rolling the room and seeing everyone's eyes looking at me before suddenly, under the pressure of that headache & my eyes hurting, I fell myself falling on the ground on my right side, my eyes shutting down completely as I could hear only muffled voices close to me...

I need to resist...I need to resist...

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Zasha Smirnov & Yirina Portnova apartment

Kennington, London

At the same time

Portnova was tired and for the first time since she got herself installed in London, she was feeling so lonely without having Zasha with her and she wanted to know where they are now but she couldn't afford to work all night in a building that wasn't even secured to talk freely and she came back to the apartment to get some sleep...but she came back alone because Park insisted to stay at work and Portnova couldn't bring her into the reason that she needed rest, finding Yirina & Zasha was her priority now even if she has to forbid herself to sleep.

As she was sitting on the couch, taking a sip of her coffee, Zasha's favorite one, she's been wondering why she wasn't turning on the TV, maybe because she wasn't in the mood for it and maybe because that she needs to stay at home a little before going back at Century House to work with Park but she wasn't alone, the little Beans stayed next to her on the couch, surely wondering where was Zasha but the only thing that Portnova could do was to pet her with a little smile, saying that they will come back soon.

Then, knocks at the door went to break the silence that was inside the apartment, Portnova putting down her cup of coffee to reach the door and open it, revealing Park whose eyes were looking very tired as if she never sleep...

"Park," Portnova offered a recomforting smile at Park who couldn't even reciprocate it now.

"Portnova," Park whispered as the former let her enter the apartment. "Hi, Beans," She waved at the cat that got up on the backrest of the couch.

"You're looking tired, you should get to rest," Portnova suggested as she was locking the front door behind Park.

"I know but no," Park refused, shaking her head before she decides to head out to the kitchen without saying anything else to Portnova who was looking bad at seeing her friend like this, following her to the kitchen.

"Any news?" Portnova demanded as Park was taking out a white cup from a dresser above the sink.

"Nothing concrete," Park replied, focused on her things as she moves to the coffee machine, not giving a look at Portnova who was staying in the path between the kitchen and the living room. "The SAS are making their own search parties, the MI5 is moving on the case and me...I'm freaking out," She added, starting the coffee machine after getting the cup under it, the sound of it breaking the conversation for a few moments before it was done. "I'm freaking out," She repeated in a lower voice, taking the cup in her right hand and leaning against the counter.

"I'm sorry, Park," Portnova apologized even if she wasn't at fault, no one was at fault here.

"No, I'm the one to be sorry," Park exclaimed, taking a sip of her coffee as she was looking in front of her, blank stare. "It's my fault if it happened,"

"No, it's not, Park,"

"It's not about this," Park corrected, turning her head around at Portnova who was a bit confused. "It's not about that mission but...about what I did," She added, knowing well inside of her that she was hating herself about the subject. "It's my fault if Yirina got brainwashed, I'm the one that suggests to Adler to use MK-Ultra on her," She declared after taking a deep breath and removing her eyes from Portnova, fearing her reaction even if she knew about it.

The silence was the only thing that Portnova could do to respond to Park's remark, she was a bit troubled to hear that again, wondering why on earth that type of thing could exist but learning that her friend Yirina fell in love with the person that participated to brainwash her, it should have made her angry...but it wasn't because Park is different, she couldn't bring herself to be angry against a person that is very kind to her...no, she wasn't going to do that in her life...

"Every day, I'm still hating myself bit by bit to say that I did this to her, you understand?" Park broke up the little silence between the two, her eyes looking at the coffee inside her cup. "If only I could change things, I will do it," She affirmed, drinking in one move the remains of the coffee inside before putting the cup down behind her. "I hate myself, Portnova,"

"But I don't hate you, Park," Portnova told her, biting a part of her lips. "I can't be angry at you, I can't," She admitted, removing herself from the door frame to take a step inside the kitchen. "I've got to admit that...I never saw Yirina this happy in her life before," She commented, giving a little smile to Park that could do it but by a little.

"Really?" Park demanded and Portnova offers her a nod to this.

"You gave her something that she never got for real...someone that really cares about her," Portnova confirmed, sounding very positive.

"And Freya?" Park asked about that, a feeling of disturb crossing her body to say that name.

"She was dangerous and still is, she was very...assertive towards Yirina at some time and me & Zasha...were the one that was allowing her to feel better," Portnova affirmed, giving Park a few details about a part of Yirina's life to her. "You're giving her protection...and love, she needs that," She snorted, a smile forming on her face again. "If I didn't meet her, I wouldn't have met my Zasha,"

"You're right," Park whispered, the smile forming on her face thanks to Portnova before he went away, the thoughts of finding Yirina & Zasha coming back. "Bloody hell...and now, they're not here," She looked around the kitchen, thinking that Yirina could come in here but no. "I think I'm done here, I'm going back at Century House,"

"You need to rest, let me go to your place, Park," Portnova proposed but Park shakes her head as she walks to get out of the kitchen, already fitted to go back outside.

"No, I need to be working on it, I need to find them for us," Park confirmed as she was arriving near the front door, starting to unlock it as Portnova left the keys in the lock. "You're coming?" She proposed to Portnova, looking at her.

"Let me get my jacket in my room," She responded, raising her finger up before she turns around to move inside the apartment, letting Park alone near the door for the moment...

But instead of waiting, Park decided to get back inside the bedroom that she was using with Yirina, having thought about something that she wanted to see...something that could help...Yirina's personal diary was on her nightstand and even if she was knowing everything about Yirina's recovered memories, she wanted to see them again...and again, so she decides to take it with her, putting it inside her jacket before getting out and joining Portnova that was going out of her room, prepared to leave with her black leather jacket and her red scarf...

She needed some comfort and that diary could really help her...