#IM NOT YELLING BECAUSE THIS WAS MY SAME PLAN FOR HOW MY WIZARD OF OZ FIC NEEDS TO END

[theglasscat]

I think about Eda guiding Luz's finger a lot. That's how she used to know magic- she used to know magic as an impulsive action and when she had magic she was a pro at tapping into that impulse but her mentee lacked it entirely and they had to find a whole new way of understanding magic. If Luz could do spell circles from the get go Eda would have taught her the way she does in that final battle sequence but Luz would have taken on Eda's impulsive use of magic. In the meantime, Eda lost the magic she took for granted and both gained a firm understanding of the magic as a gift from creation and the land. Now they both have a sharper awareness of how magic works and that same awareness is what caused the Titan choose to give his full powers to Luz. In that battle sequence Eda can teach Luz how to use magic the way she knows best and each have a complete understanding on how it works- respect and honoring of the world's magic *and* innate impulsivity combined.

[0fuckyahchickenstrips0]

A Short Story Of Depression

Keys jingling in one hand, phone in the other. Various bags from the different stores I had to stop at strung on my arms. Walking to the door was such a easy thing to do, I do it everyday, open and close this door walk in and out every day. Something I was used too. Never thought it was something I should have feared doing, especially on this normal day that was so much like every other day that went by and never had any incidents only filled with happy memories and sunshine, and filled with being in love. Never wanting a single day to end but always excited for what tomorrow would bring, so long as we were together.

I struggle to raise my hand that had the keys in them, looking through the various keys for that one special key that had a monkeys face on it, so animated and unrealistic but still the cutest thing and I wouldn't change it for the world. Once I have it ready, i push it into the lock and unlock the front door, hearing the tell tale ‘click’ that said the door was now unlocked. Turning the knob with my hand holding the keys and using my left foot I kick it open. The living room is empty, no tv on or signs of anyone being in there. I kick the door shut as i set down the keys on the stand right by our front door. A cute little stand that has flowers painted onto the sides and looks like it belonged in a doll house that my grandma used to have. I cross the living room and enter the hallway leading to the kitchen. The kitchen light is on so I know for sure someone is in there and seeing as how only two people lived here it wasnt hard to guess who it most likely was. An instant smile plasters across my face, same as it always does when im around you, sometimes I dont even realize im doing it and then you will look over at me with your lazy smile and melt my heart. I turn around the corner, not immediately seeing anyone as I looked over at the fridge first then across to the dinning room seeing a part of your back from around the wall. Setting the bags wrapped around my arms on the first counter I came into contact with and almost skipping over to where you sat. I didn't notice the smell in the room, or the atmosphere when I entered the house. i didn't think anything bad would happen to us. We were one of those couples that everyone was jealous of, never fought, never weren't on the same page, never unhappy with each other, always so madly in love. No matter where we were at. Never did I think that of all things that could have gotten between us it would have been a mental illness, just thoughts overcrowding in your head, not feeling good enough, not being in the right place. If anything happened I always figured it would be me, something I did, or me not being good enough because I also struggled with depression and anxiety I always assumed it would be me. But there you sat. Slumped in the kitchen chair, eyes void of any emotion, your hands wrapped around a cup that sat in front of you, filled with a sour smelling substance that burned my nose and made the room smell. You didn't feel like you, being in this room suddenly felt like it was the same as if I had just walked into a random house and sat down at their dinner table. You didn't look up, didnt hear me come in or if you did you made no move to great me, I didn't see that same smile I get also spread across your beautiful face. That was enough to stop me in my tracks. Too confused to continue any farther into the room, I didnt understand what was happening. I felt as though I had walked into a dream, floating out of my own body because somewhere inside I knew what was coming. Before you even said the words.

Hunched over still in the chair, not part of you moving, just the slight tilt of your head as you said those words. “I cant do this anymore.”

My world crashed right then and there. Crashed so hard it left me feeling like the wicked witch in the Wizard Of Oz that got smashed by the house. Left me wondering what do even do or say, I was so paralyzed in that moment it felt like my soul had been ripped from my body, the air swooshed out of my lungs in one silent exhale.

Those eyes still hadnt looked up to meet mine.

My mind kept thinking this over and over, I just wanted to see his eyes, and that smile. Taking a step forward, but not moving closer to him, even though my body was just screaming for me to throw myself at him. Start begging, break down, do anything, do fucking something. Why wasnt I doing anything?! My mind was racing and my heart felt like a fucking stampede was running around in there. I was to scared to even speak, my voice would give away everything that I felt, but I had to somehow change his mind, calm him down or something. Tell him this is a mistake, that its just him overthinking. Everything would be fine if we had eachother, we were going to do so many things together. I wanted to tell him I could wait until it gets better, that he didnt have to do this. But all I got out was "Why?" just that one word, barely escaping my lips as I stood frozen in the dinning room, looking at his back, he had never fully turned to look at me.. His voice is rough, like he had been yelling and screaming all day. I wanted to believe it was thick with emotion that he would show a sign that this wasnt anything he wanted to do that he was just doing it out of his state of mind right now. But his face and voice were both void of any emotion, aside from sadness, but not the sadness from leaving the one you love. The kind of sadness you build up from a life a torment and pain, and always being kicked when your down. Something that not many people could understand, but I did because my face often had that expression plastered on it. Or the fake smile that hides my true feelings. I wanted to break through that barrier, to get to him, to reason with him. I could feel my soul reaching out to his trying to comfort it but I was coming up short, like he was out of my grasps and that I couldnt reach him.

"I just cant do this anymore, I have to end things." He said those words like he was reading Que cards. Monotone and like it was no big deal, like his words didnt just shatter my entire world, the pieces raining down around me like fireworks. The throb in my chest suddenly becoming a full on jack hammer going haywire in my chest. I didnt think I could be in so much pain without having a limb cut off or have been shot, or something of that nature. But here I stood, completely fine physically, no injuries, but I felt like I was having open heart surgery while lying awake and fully aware on the table with no pain meds or anything. I finally stepped towards him, not sure what pushed me to do so, but my arm reached out to touch his shoulder, the need for him to wrap his arms around me growing so strong I wanted to scream it at him. He slowly moved away, a subtle movement but I got the message immediately... He didnt want to be touched by me. My hand fell back to my side, pins and needles danced up that arm as if i had just been electrocuted. My eyes started to get blurry and I knew i couldnt hold off the emotions for too long, soon enough i would break down in front of him, beg him cry and shout or just shut down. But i wanted to stay strong so i could get to him. Why was it so hard to just keep calm.

"You said you loved me..." the words came out of my mouth, i hadnt realized i was going to say them but there they were. They sounded pathetic and stupid coming from me. "We had so much planned, it wasnt fake. We can still have that, we cant still be happy." I named all the things we said we were going to do, all the talks we had had, all the things we shared. It all just came spilling out in one big slab of word vomit. Unable to control it or stop the spew of words coming from my mouth as i watched him still not moving and still not making eye contact with me, wouldnt even move or budge the whole time and that only made me want to shout louder at him or to shake him to snap him out of it because i needed him more than i needed air and he couldnt do this to me... couldnt do this to us. "please.... dont leave me... i cant do this without you." my voice finally cracked on that last word. The emotions all bubbling to the top too fast, overwhelming everything inside of me. The tears stung my eyes as they threaten to spill over onto my cheeks and not in the two drops running down my cheek way but they buckets and buckets of tears flowing down my cheek like an imitation Niagara falls. I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and sit in a corner repeating 'it will be okay' over and over like a mental patient. My mind felt so close to snapping I felt so unpredictable in that moment because my entire world was falling apart, and none of it felt real. I felt as though i would wake up like from a bad dream and roll over and things would be fine and as they were but yet, no matter how hard i tried i could not wake myself up.

Finally his eyes met mine. So many things and emotions swam in his eyes. Nothing that i could decipher and none of it was for what he was doing. He looked at me for a solid minute before speaking, and it felt like an entire lifetime. "Im not good. I just cant do it, i need you to understand this."

"i dont understand!" My voice scared even myself as that bubbled out of my lips. The tears freshly flowing down my cheeks now, too late to try to keep it together. I so didnt have it together and i didnt know if i ever would again after this. "I didnt expect you to be happy about this.." he trailed off "but at least i told you, you deserve that much. " His words confused me and just cut deeper like a surgeon cutting into my chest, shredding my insides and leaving me with nothing left, just scraps. I wanted to drop down on my knees and beg him, beg him not to do this, what could i say to make him stay? How could i get him to see, i went to praying begging God to make him see his fault in this, begging him to not take him away from me too. I couldn't live without him, not with all thats going on for me, and i know that sounds selfish but i loved him so much, and he was all i had. No one understood me like he did and no one made me feel the way he did. It was as if no one else existed when he was around and now he just wanted to leave me... leave me like i was nothing to him. I watched him as he stood from his seat, not knowing what he was doing or where he was going, but i had an idea and i couldn't do anything, couldn't move to stop him or call out his name or grab his arm. I just stood there glued to the floor, so damn heart broken and a wreck. As soon as I saw him grab for the door handle to the front door i knew, it was real. That this was really happening and he was really leaving me, after he swore he wouldn't and we swore we would always be together. Everything felt so real and so right and it was because we loved each other, or didnt we? I know i loved him but did he really love me or was it just my imagination, thinking he did. I didnt even know what was happening anymore, nothing felt real and i slowly felt myself fading from reality. I watched as he turned that door knob, opened the door, never once turning back or pausing or showing any sign of anything what so ever. He just opened it and walked out. Walked out of my life, took my heart, left me broken, and shattered. The blackness that was my thoughts swallowed me whole in that moment and i felt as if i would never resurface for as long as i lived as i slide down tot he floor and lost it right there.