#If I ever go back I need to go back alone and stya in a place I can get mail and just go on a fucking rampage | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kiwisis · 5 years ago

Text

Reflection to look back on

My last decade has been nothing to write home about. A really disappointing time that I would rather forget. I'm just writing it down so I can hopefully just leave it here and forget about it. I think the only notable things I did were graduate college, travel, and gained a few stories that make me sound a lot more interesting than I am. Thinking about the last decade I don't even feel like the same person who entered it. I've changed so much from who I was. I still remember being that kid who smiled a lot and was happiest when I was making others around me laugh. Young dumb and living life one day at a time just letting life come at me, no real worries or concerns. Now I have no one around me. I don't smile much anymore. I can't remember the last time I made someone laugh. Life still just comes at me because I haven't tried to progress or move forward at all. Now I just worry and over think everything, I keep making problems for myself whether they're real or not. I kind of miss who I was, by I also kinda like who I became. I think some point in the middle would be ideal. I must have met hundreds or people in the last decade between living in multiple places, school, travels. I think I'll talk to maybe a dozen or two in this decade. Which is fine with me, out of the handful of people I want to keep a relationship with in this decade there is only one I can't. Which is like a B average, something that I'm pretty used to. I guess regrets next maybe, even though most the post is regrets. I think my biggest regret is not spending more time with people I wanted to and spending a lot of time with people I didn't want to or know I shouldn't have. Two of the greatest people I met in my life I met this decade. I knew at the time eventually it would turn out like this but I wish I had spent more time with them or put in more effort to talk to them now. I have no idea what they're doing now and I see them once a year at most. I always wish the best for them. Unlike other people I've met, they didn't adapt to fit into this shitty world like everyone else, which I find so admirable. Two of the few people I truly respect. Another friend who is probably the closest person to me I've ever met. We fight a lot of the same unseen battles, he fights more than even me. I have plans to see him this year which I'll definitely keep. I haven't seen him since the beginning of the decade and he still makes most of the effort to keep up with me. He's married with two kids now which gives me a lot of hope. I really didn't think there would be such happy endings for people like us. Another friend I probably won't see much of anymore I also met this decade. He's in a situation I don't want to be part of anymore. He's a great guy who has a lot more to offer than he gives himself credit for. At any point he could break his cycle and start over. I understand why he doesn't, but here's to hoping that he will one day. That's it, that's the friend list. I don't want to talk about women yet, it hits the hardest. Guess it's me now. I spent a lot a lot of this decade being a sad sleepy boy. 2010-2011, 2014-2019. Those few years in college were decent but the rest of the decade I struggled a lot with my mental health that I didn't really want to acknowledge. A lot of it stems from one thing but a lot of it just really stems from not taking care of myself and looking out for myself. I mean I spend a lot of the hours in a day thinking about being dead, which I don't think will ever really go away. I let that stop me from living life though. Which is really lukewarm which I don't want to be anymore. I understand I have definitely lived through more than half my life at this point, because I will for sure not live another 26 years. Even so while I'm alive I can't just think well I'll be dead so why bother with doing that. That being literally anthing. For the first time in a while I feel kinda decent. I don't feel like killing myself every day, just most days. I've been working out almost consistently every other day. I went from 308 to now 274. I have some goals, and a somewhat clear path of how to achieve them, the earlier ones anyways. I've been drinking mostly water, got some tea trying to force myself to like it. I don't really like any hot drinks. One thing I really want to work on this year, my new years resolution you could say, it taking care of my teeth. I was blessed with great teeth and I hardly every take care of them and they're still going strong some how. I feel like I ended the decade and started this one on kinda a strong note. I'm back to being okay by being by myself. I normally don't have a problem with this, I struggle when I'm not alone and then have to go back to being alone. This is where I made a lot of mistakes in the last decade. I've come to terms that I'll be living my life like this for the next few months. I'm not really in a place where I can expect otherwise. I don't go out much at all and I don't do things that require me to interact with people. It's just how it goes. I don't really have anything else I want to write about so I guess it's time for women. Woman really fucked me up this decade. Not like I was a nice guy with my fedora, I'm definitely most of the reason why my relationships don't work out. I'm really out here giving my all to women with no regards for myself though. I had 4 somewhat serious relationships this decade. To the point where I said I love you to four people. One of them I lost my virginity to. She was my texas high school crush, we almost dated like two years before we actually dated but had a pretty bad depressive episode with the death of my grandfather and stopped actiing like what I normally did which I think put her off a lot. When we first started dating everything was light and fun. I think I just took the relationship a lot more seriously than she did, we were both high school seniors and I just tried planning out a lot of stuff that I don't think she really wanted. This wasn't my best or worst relationship, it set up a lot of things that ended up happening in the first half of the decade for the rest of my relationships. It put me in that situation where I was alone and then wasn't and then had to be. Another not really sure what to refer to her as, I'll just go with college girlfriend even though we started talking in like my last week of college so the title is eh. This relationship had really high highs and super low lows. I like to think I have two personalities, in that I have who I am and then who I act like in more public settings. My public personality and her were really compatible. We liked a lot of the same things, had the same taste in humor and we were really good friends for like a year plus. We started dating after new year kinda of 2016. This relationship was hot and cold from the get go. I spent the new year and a few days after at her house until we drove back to STL together. That entire week should have just been a warning. It was the last time I felt a really strong connection to someone so I just went with it anyways and it ended pretty badly kinda. Like we talked it all out for like two hours but I was really hurt after that one. Which put me in that situation where I was alone and then wasn't and then had to be again. Out of the last two I'm not really sure who I want to talk about first. They both really defined my decade in different ways. Something I wish I could do in these post is put side notes for just me to read when I read this down the line. Like it doesn't show because when rereading it later it's just a finished piece. But I spent like 2 hours writing this already and spent like 30 minutes decinding who to write about first. Anyways decided to go with the more recent one first. This one was a interesting one. We've been dating on and off since 2011 with our break up being earlier this year. I always think when we break up that we'll get back together down the line at some point but it's really done this time. The way she's treating me after we broke up this time really put a bad taste in my mouth. I'm pretty salty about it honestly. I was by no means the best boyfriend or anything, but I always made myself avaliable to her if she ever needed anything. I like to think that I was there for her in this last decade for all the struggles she had this decade. She lost a parent, had a lot of bad living situations, issues with family, work, friends, pets, health. List goes on I'm sure but those are the ones coming to mind. I was there for all of that. The worst feeling I ever got when we were or weren't together was her struggling in silence alone with no one there for her. Thinking about that always left me with a sinking feeling. Like not being there for someone when they need someone I think is one of the worst things you can do to a person. I don't hold it against her or anything that she needed help a lot more than I did. Mainly because when I'm struggling I don't tell anyone. Like I'm sure no one I know knows I only had two decent years this entire decade and then struggled with the rest for various reasons. I only really talked about it with one person recently and we stopped talking about it because I told them it's stuff I just like to never think about. Anyways there were a lot of highs and lows in our relationship but I like to think a lot of it was just average. Like consistent for what our relationship was, not that average was happy or good or anything. There is obviousily a lot I could talk about in such a long relationship, but I'm just gonna write aboutthe later stuff. I feel like the earlier stuff was a different relationship entirely. I think we only styaed together for as long as we did because of the beginning stuff. I think she just clung on to the idea that she loved me then and then just never let go even though that wasn't me anymore and I never really felt like she acknowledged that or loved me for who I am now. At the end of my last relationship the one I just talked about I was in a really bad spot in 2016. Which is when we started talking again. Long story short she basically convinced me to move back to Florida and be together again. I was alone and didn't realize how much I would regret that decision. I hate living in Florida. It's hot and I'm just the worse version of myself there. I'm heavily influenced by people around me, and Florida just influences me the worst. In Florida I just thought about dying everyday, multiple times a day, with no breaks for three years. Safe to say I was probably in the worst place in my life. Our relationship really suffered because of this. I don't think she knew the extent I suffered, but I think virtually nothing would have made me happy other than leaving and never going back. in 2017 we got engaged. This is a interesting decision by me. I don't think either of us would be happy to spend our lives together. I asked her to marry me because of a few reasons. We had a lot of history and it was the logical step forward. She said she loved me, even though I never really believed her when she said it. I had no intention of living more than another 5 years at that point in my life. In the end my decision was based on if it would make her happy then I would give her my last remaining years. Even though it might not have always been obvious with how I acted. I did always want happiness for her and still do. I can see from a lot of different perspectives on how that comes off. It is what it is, it's the decision I made. Anyways fast forward to 2019 my dad gives me an out to get out of Florida for good. This is like the first time I had hope since moving back to Florida and I was going to take it. I told her she didn't have to come with me, because we had talked about it before and she didn't want to leave her family. She had decided to come with me. I thought about not taking her with me, that it would be for the best to split up. Idk what I was thinking back then, I just don't really remember. But in the end I decided it would be good for us maybe. To try our relationship outside of Florida. I had only really been with her outside of a trip in Florida where like I said is the worst version of me. I really thought that maybe in a different place we could work things out and have a healthier relationship. A lot of things happened and we ended up having to leave a lot earlier than we planned, almost a month or more. She was pretty broken up about it, it gave her a lot less time to say her goodbyes and get things in order. I told her she can always come back and visit, not like anything stopped her. Fast forwards and we're in STL. Things don't really get any better, she gets a lot worse. She goes through a lot of emotions of no friends/family, we're having issues and decideds to go back like 2 or so months later. That's basically how that finished. Fast forward some more and now she's ghosting me. We have a lot of debt together that we agreed we would pay off. Now she's just avoiding it like the plague leaving it all to me. So after almost a decade of being together and more than a decade of being friends this is how she decided to end everything. So that's how it goes I guess. The two times I really needed her in our relationship of just knowing each other and she's just not there either times. It feels pretty bad. The last thing I'm going to write about is her. To me she will always be what I compare everything to. Our relationship wasn't so long but we dated twice and I loved her since I was 14, she was my first. Idk what it was, even now when I think about it. Idk if it was chemical or timing, but jesus I can't seem to forget about her at all. I've never felt so drawn to a person before or since. I met her when I was 14 and she had no interest in me lol. I ended up asking her out at the endish of freshman year and she basically "wut?" me. We stopped talking after than I was also in a different state at that point. I moved back during the summer of junior year. I saw her at the open house for my school and fuck. Everything came back, she was just wow. She hugged me and I acutally mouthed wow. At some point during school, I think relatively early in the year like first month or two we were talking and she gave me her number and told me to text her. Ofc I did not do that. She was with someone and I thought she was just being polite you know? Anyways she playfully yelled at me a few weeks later for never texting her so that time I did. We talked everyday. Normally about nothing, just a lot of talking for the sake of it I guess. Idk what it was or how it happened, but in one text she said she loved me. It was probably meant as like a friend or w/e because we definitely weren't in that kind of place. That didn't stop me though. I loved her before but after that really changed everything. When you truly love someone you see how little meaning the word has when you say you love like a food, or music, a movie, etc. When you love a person it's a different thing entirely. Anyways just zero regards fell. Like skydiving no parachute falling, no regards for hitting the bottom, just trying to get off the plane falling. At some point she invited me to her house. We didn't really do anything. I think we just did random stuff, but nothing really happened. She got close to me when I was about to leave. She was looking up at me, but her sister was kinda staring at us so I didn't do anything. A few days later I went back over and we were in her room. I don't remember what we were doing, I was sitting on her bed and she was getting clothes maybe from her dresser. She stops looks at me and kissed me twice and then went back to what she was doing. That's probably still one of the greatest moments of my life. When you feel so strongly about someone and then they confirm they have feelings for you. It was basically over for me at that point. Something we used to do was I had a hair tie she used and would wear it on my wrist so I could keep her scent with me. Every day at lunch we would trade the one she was using for the one I had. Idk if her intention was to get me addicted but she did. It's still my favorite scent. If I smell it in public I stop like a bomb had gone off and it's just ear ringing silence. Anyways around Christmas newyears time we started dating. Start of the decade. Somethings happened and I was being wildly jealous of somethings going on at that time. Idk if anything I was doing was justified or if any of my concerns were valid. But fuck that rage i felt. My blood would just boil all day, it felt like fire was just coming off of me at that point. We were fighting a lot and then she ended up telling me she didn't love me. Shattered. We immediately broke up and stopped talking soon after completely. I started dating first girl I talked about. We broke up and then I got a friend notification from her. If I was in a different place where I wasn't hurt from the last relationship or still in the same relationship I wouldn't have accepted it. I was in that place and did accept it. We started talking again. I moved back to be with her again. It was great. I was with who I always wanted to be with since I was 14. Life was good. Too good I guess. Since I decided to ruin everything. I started cheating on her. I told her about it, She forgave me and then I just kept doing it. I have no idea why. It's my biggest regret of my life. I can't think of one reason why I was doing it. She ended up getting pregnant and had a miscarriage. We were basically done at that point. She resented me for how awful I was. We broke up and she hasn't talked to me since. This is the tame version without me going into full detail of how awful I was to her. Here I am now, almost a decade later and still regretting it. All the birthday and stupid 11:11 wishes later she's still what I wish for. That I could go back and undo everything or maybe start completely over in the future. I saw her last year at a store and she recongnized me and just stared at me. She was doing something and turned away to deal with it and I just left. Thinking about it I saw her mom last year too. Definitely the worst year of the decade. That stare still haunts me. Felt like she hadn't thought of me at all and felt nothing towards me anymore. Which obviousily makes sense but it's not something you want confirmed. I've thought about her at the minimum once a week since everything happened, normally every day though. She's the hardest to write about. I found out years later that she also lives somewhere in MO. Feels so weird that we both ended up here. Could have been together. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am. I spent all this time loving her when I could have spent all this time loving her. I'm so sorry. For everything. I'm just writing it out to try and get it down so maybe it won't stay in my head, idk really. I wasted the last decade of my life doing nothing. My specialty is disappointing my parents at this point. I'm trying to turn things around this decade. Do something to make my parents proud and not worry about me. Whenever I think of dying I always feel sad leaving my parents with no good impressions of me. I'd like to at least do that. This probably has a lot of grammatical mistakes but it's super long and I spent forever writing it at this point. Close to 4 hours, gonna leave it as is.

0 notes