#Ik I felt some type of way yesterday but I thought it was bc I didn't sleep that much

[marciliedonato]

Getting your period earlier the day before your birthday so the worst day of it is gonna be on your birthday....

[erenoir]

Hi Fae! ♡ The ask that I sent you yesterday, please just answer it here once you’re ready. I don’t want others knowing about my relationship situation 😭 And the fact that you still haven’t respond to it yet is making me kinda scared bc I feel like I might have over shared or something & if I did I’m so sorry for that! 🥺😩 But if you actually have no idea what to say just tell me okay, I don’t mind 😌

-🕊

1. pls don’t be scared abt whether you overshared or not!! ik the feeling and it’s not great so just know u didn’t (at least for me) 2. i was gonna ask you to send a separate ask that i could respond to anyway so i’m glad you did lol & 3. typing this out gave me some clarity on things too so damn?

anyways here goes nothing,, me desperately trying to give relationship advice i hope this helps somewhat? i tried >_<

wow okay well… i read everything twice to take it all in. 8 years is a very long time! it’s amazing that you two have quite literally withstood every awkward phase, every self-discovery, every part of growing up together. since middle school! and it’s been 8 years so you’re probably around 19-20ish now?? i will say this, it’s hard to let someone that important go, you grew up with him, you fell in love with him, you were there for him in his darkest times and cutting that off is not easy. you loved him so much that you forgave him and gave him a second chance after he did that to you… (i won’t say what) i can’t imagine the weight you feel as you make this decision on whether you should break things off for good.

what i will say, is that there are people that are meant to be in your life for a reason, and not all of those people are meant to be with you through every step for ever and ever. some are just meant to be there for certain parts of it and it’s hard to accept that maybe it’s time to let them go. i mean, you and him have talked about getting married, i wouldn’t expect you to be able to just break up with him as if you don’t have all of this history behind you. but, you gave him the benefit of the doubt, i know plenty of people that would’ve dropped their s/o the minute they heard something like what your boyfriend did, but you kept him around and it seems he may have taken advantage of your unconditional love for him and went back to his old ways anyway.

i’m not a relationship expert, i’m just a 21 year old who is just as clueless as the next person figuring love out. but what i will say after reading your story and thinking about what i would do in your shoes, i think it may be time to let him go. it won’t be easy, it could take you so long to fully be over him and that’s okay, everyone’s hearts heal differently. but i think he’s been with you through the most vulnerable parts of your life and i think that you shouldn’t submit yourself to his behavior anymore. you’re still so young you might even be a bit younger than me?? when i tell you our 20s are a time when we do not need someone holding us back… i mean it. if we thought middle school/high school was a time of self discovery, now is when we’re gonna be doing the soul searching. and i really think he might hinder you from fully coming into your own!

he was in your life for a reason, he was a part of it when he was fit to be a part of it, but people drift apart and that is okay. he’s changed and you know what people are gonna change and they might fit into your life still or they might not. i’ve had falling outs with people who i thought but would be attending my wedding one day… and it sucks not having them here it really does. but over time i’ve forgiven, we went our separate ways but i’ll always be thankful for the part of my life they existed in and the lessons they taught me and the things they helped me discover about myself when i had them. and when i didn’t have them, for months after i felt lonely as shit, i didn’t have anyone, and it really felt shitty for a bit. but it’s crazy because as people leave your life new ones come in, and now i’ve found people that i really feel like are my forever friends. they came into my life when i had no one and i was forced to put myself out there bc i had no one, and then i met them.

what i’m trying to say is… let me wrap this up lol. better things will come. whatever you decide to do first of all is completely your own decision and whatever that decision is will come with a lesson and you’ll get through it. but, if you decide to break things off… don’t feel guilty. don’t let him make you feel guilty. he might get on his knees and beg you to forgive him but you did that already once before. you need to do this for you! and you need to keep walking!! it’ll hurt, it might take a lot to get you back to normal even though it won’t be the same normal as before but it’ll be a new normal and that’s okay! you’ll meet new people, you have to grow into this new self of yours but if you’re 20 or somewhere around there i’m just ballparking your age here lol, this is supposed to be like the best time of our lives or something idk that’s what they told me. so don’t let him hold you back, think about yourself here. you’ve done enough for him as he has for you!!

anyways that’s my very lengthy two cents >3< i’m so sorry u had to read all of that but ur the one who asked a VIRGO for advice i am not gonna skimp out on you!! i hope you were able to gain some clarity from my train of thought <3

[subjectsilver]

my psyche and wormy be ruthless sometimes.

originally i told myself that i was only going to use tumblr every sunday to log what has happened throughout the week or anything noticeable or note worthy but i literally need to type this right now because I'm losing my goddamn mind and on the verge of a panic attack...i can feel my chest tightening and my heart has such a “funny” feeling that isn't so funny so idk why they call it that... its like a light feeling like when u get light headed - i feel light hearted rn

the absolute worst part about my depression is that it literally just comes and goes whenever it wants. obviously theres things that help trigger it, a song a picture of my ex friends snapchats, any object that i can play connect the dots with back to a single thought that can disrupt my entire mental.

and it hit me tonight and it hit me hard and tonight I'm trying not to run away from it. I'm not going to go smoke cigarettes and listen to music until 5 am I'm trying to just type what is going on instead of like holding it into my head. or type something at least. the thing about it is that whenever it hits me, i always find a way to make it so much worse.... like i see just the right combination of words or objects to sink me or look at pictures of emma and even though i know its hurting me i continue to do it anyway....maybe its because in that moment I'm actually feeling something, she is making me feel something just like she use to in the past. i really valued that until i became too grey and numb and hopeless.

i feel like throwing up

i used “ex” up there and  makes me feel really uneasy i haven't used it very much at all mainly because i have to explain myself to anyone here and I've only told a few people what is going on with me. That was good thought because i have a friend named hank who went through some shit too so he kind of connects with me but still not a person i would talk to about shit...i don't really have anyone for that so i don't really know... sometimes i type it all and erase it, sometimes i make songs, sometimes i say it out laid sometimes i just cry.

i started taking prozac 3 days ago this will be the fourth, so hopefully that'll help  me. Im still underweight as fuck but oddly I'm comfortable with it bc i like the way my shirts feel and clothes fit, unfortunately i need to gain like 20 pounds if i want to exist on this soccer team which is kinda mad. I was going to suggest leaving wake because i don't really even care to play soccer rn. and i realized a while back that all i needed was in ohio... like i had the best friends the girl of my dreams and i could've had a 1st year internship paying between 40-70k at some health company under my step dad... its kinda shitty because its something i wanted to tell everyone and i would always think about how disappointed my dad would be and how supportive my mom would be but something told me not do make moves with any of it. its like the universe knew i was going to go through some shit. like it knew i was gonna get low and the perfect image of life i had in my head up. like bitch u thought you'd plant roots,,,nahhhhhhtttt  

i keep listening to this song on repeat

https://soundcloud.com/yvpoipoi/maxence-cyrin-where-is-my-mind

but the real is back the ville is back

i fucking hated listening to cole until like 2 weeks ago. it was so annoying listening to cole bc of hani playing it literally all the time. when things like that get annoying they because white noise to me. but recently i went through his 3 most recent projects and actually listened heavily to the words and that shit is crazy.

i also have been paying a lot of attention to jay z and beyonce. i guess jay z had an affair or some shit and ten he and “once” went back and forth on songs about it... but i read this quote by him where he was like “our relationship was built on top of lies, and i had to tear it down and build it back up again and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.” thats the kind of shit that gives me hope in the world of relationships. I've accepted that its probably false hope but ill hold onto anything the keeps me going at this point...

my suicidal thoughts haven't been present the last few days but i never know if and when those will come back. to be truthful I've been stacking up on things in my camera roll that give me up for when I'm feeling low.

the light hearted feeling has subsided, i just realized it. i kinda of ignore all grammatical practices when i write freely. i just go with my own language because i feel like its more personal ya know. someone i know annotates her own letters that she use to write me and i always loved that shit because i have so many side thoughts when i write as well.

luke christophers album finally came out and what do you know 5 of the songs had already been released and some like a year ago so its barely anything knew but it still has new music and bangers so i do appreciate the legend himself. after seeing his hair blonde on the cover idk if I'm going to keep growing my hair black or re-dye it. maybe ill keep it blonde until i feel like I'm above 80% better or something  right now i feel about -7% (if i could annotate that line id tell you that i originally wrote -7 person instead of percent then i autocorrected person then backspaced it to a symbol) 

the last few days I've felt really weak though and I've been sleeping a lot like two days ago i got like 11 hours and yesterday i got like 10 and I've been taking naps during the day. but I've constantly felt like I've had low blood sugar or that I've been dehydrated or something. i can't even make a fist and squeeze that hard.

its crazy because when i type anything about myself ever i just start tearing up for no reason...happy thoughts sad thoughts dark thoughts i could be writing about my microwave and be tearing up. and i do it a lot with emma or my best friends or my ex and ex best friends idk what anyone is to me anymore. been too focussed on trying to survive, which i feel is the correct selfish thing to do for once.

“don't give a fuck and they love you do give a fuck and they hate you - I'm always gone be there for you”

this man luke in onto something

its crazy that i will leave my phone in my room from 7:30 am to 7-8 at night and the only notification that ill get is “your phone hasn't been backed up in 57 weeks” or some shit like that. occasionally ill receive a random text from someone but its funny because sometimes on the inside ill be screaming like “PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME” and then it happens and its like nah.. i thought i sent out an amber alert but really I'm sending out a batman bat symbol. i thought i needed anyone to talk to, but in reality i just need one singular person to talk to. that was my mistake, will always be my mistake but at least i recognize it now...just a little late there big guy.

having so much time to myself probably too much time to myself is really interesting...if you've ever thought that you've done real reflection, submerge yourself in complete loneliness and isolation and try again because its so much deeper. you think about everything. every individual relationship, every right every wrong multiple perspectives. you think about all of your problems and the root to your problems.  all of your mistakes why u caused these mistakes or what caused these mistakes. its actually really shitty because the bad will always stick out more than the good because the good is what is suppose to happen and the bad is the variable...variables get more attention than the constants i feel. deep down i don't think I'm a shitty human being.. even though i might think that a lot or hate myself...ik I'm only human and i can't be perfect and as much as id love for everyone to love me and me to not hurt anyone its more than likely unrealistic and it'll happen to me and already has happened to me and now i understand that and i will be more forgiving as i go on in life, the same forgiveness id want people to give me.

i use to think that everything had to work in reciprocality like for some reason i always thought everything should be equal all of the time..but i was extremely wrong, some people need more some people need less some people expect things and if they mean anything to you, the extra effort should hinder you or disrupt you...every human has a different way of looking at relationships and when those ways collide and don't add up it creates problem. I'm not saying people should give up in what they believe in but people should be less harsh about it... i know people who should be less harsh on me and i know people that i will be less harsh on and who i would be less harsh on if i could go back in time.

i tried to think about why I'm so afraid of butterflies and i can't really think of what happened along the way that got me here but i think the very root is the movie “butterfly effect” I'm also pretty sure they are remaking that movie into a 2018 version and ill probably go scare the fuck out of myself while seeing it.

my anxiety was gone until thinking about butterflies 

i tried to explain a fear of butterflies to this kid named mike and i sounded like an absolute idiot and then his response was “does this scare you” and it was the close up of a butterfly from this spongebob episode and i can't get it out of my head.... i think the video is called “wormy close up”

 fuck wormy

usually id think something so symmetrical was beautiful seeing has my old tendencies make me love symmetrically and i do things in that way like when i touch my feet to surfaces and shit bc i feel all neat and organized but i don't like that every butterfly ever is symmetrical as fuck...like show why what the hell. and i want to watch a video on it but i don't want to go into shock or some shit.

and they have wings that flap which is what i hate about bugs in general.

to be fair though i do like butterflies that have bright blue or white wings cus i use to see those a lot as a kid when my backyard was a golf course. but my vision of a butterfly with like brown wings and black borders gahhhh fuck that....id weather let a centipede crawl on me from head to toe than a butterfly land on me to put in in perspective. 

idk man i think this post has done for me what i thought it would do what i intended it to do...i have to be up in like 3 and a half wish hours then run for an hour then ill take a solid nap for like 5 hours or just sleep pt.2 but i must be going... until next time or sunday.

i love you

fuck wormy

goodnight