#Imagine Fred's screams/screeches of the chorus

[downtherabbitholewithlucy]

(PLEASE DO NOT POST THESE EDITS I MADE ON ANY OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA SITES)

[regicidal-defenestration]

Ringing in the Year of the Beleaguered Badger

In which Nobby and Colon celebrate the new year with an odd wooden companion

.

"It's looking at me all menacingly, sarge."

"Its not looking at anything, its eyes are painted on."

"Yeah, painted on menacingly."

Nobby and Colon considered the figure in front of them. It was certainly odd - a life sized wooden person, a wide grin and two bright blue eyes painted on its face, wearing an equally bright red uniform, with the occasional brown splotch that Colon was doing his best to not think about.

But it wasn't menacing, Colon was sure about that. It was just a toy owned by some rich nob, or else some sort of art display that pole rats (he was unsure of the exact term) like him weren't supposed to understand. Nothing menacing in the slightest.

Even so, Colon was glad of the window separating him from it.

"It just blinked!" Nobby yelped, hitting Colon in his alarm.

Colon scowled at him. Well - half scowled. Well - shared what may well have been a scared glance with his friend. But there was nothing to be scared of, not at all. It was just a bit creepy.

"You and your imagination, Nobby."

"It did!"

Nobby sounded genuinely shaken, which was worrying. Usually, when someone suddenly moved when they should have been still, it meant an opportunity for Nobby to sell back what he'd just nicked from their pockets. Not… whatever this reaction was.

Turning very deliberately away, Fred leaned against the building's wall. He imagined that he was sat back at his nice warm desk, making plans to go out and celebrate the new year properly, not out on patrol all because Vimes had insisted they go back to their roots as regular old officers. It was-

"It just waved at me Fred."

Colon's thoughts came to a screeching halt.

"How about," he said slowly, "we go back to our roots somewhere else?"

Nobby sagged in relief. And as the two of them made their way down the street, they ignored extremely hard the sound of shattering glass.

*

It was a nice, well lit, and most importantly, empty street, not a weird toy soldier in sight. Colon took his bell - a proper old Watch one, gods this probably hadn't been used in years - and rang it out once, twice, three times.

"Twelve o'clock and all is well!" he called over the loud clangs.

Nobby frowned.

"No it's not."

"Are you disrespecting a superior officer, Nobby?"

"Wouldn't dream of it, sarge. It's just that," he paused to allow Colon to raise an eyebrow, "it's not midnight yet, is it?. It's only half eleven."

Colon paused, took a moment to count on his fingers, then nodded in grudging acknowledgement. He swung the bell again.

"Half past eleven - yes alright no need to look so smug Nobby - and all is still well!"

"No it Isn't!" a third voice piped up, the capitalisation clearly audible.

The two men screamed, grabbing each other instinctively. They then spent an awkwardly silent few minutes trying to pretend like they hadn't just screamed and grabbed each other, and had, in fact, carried off the whole situation with a cool, calm, and collected air. It very nearly worked too.

Nobby was the fastest to regain a sense of composure.

"What d'you mean No it Isn't?" He looked around suspiciously. "Is that a threat?" There didn't look to be hosts of heavily armed thugs waiting in the shadows, but you never knew with these things.

"Oh no, mot At All! What I mean Is, All's not well Because we're Here!" 

The painted smile seemed to broaden.

A pause.

"We?" Colon asked, pointing between him and Nobby.

The Toy Soldier hummed for a good minute. Colon couldn't tell if the consideration on its face was faked, or if it was just Like That.

"Hmm, No, but I Do like your spirit! I'm Talking about Me and my Crew!"

Colon leaned in close to Nobby.

"Let me handle this, eh? Matters of diplomacy like this happen to be my four-tay, you know."

Nobby gave him a Look which was, in his (Colon's) view, was neither nice, nor sufficiently respecting of his (Nobby's) commanding officer. 

"And would you, fine citiz- nutcra- erm-" Colon paused as he scrabbled for a suitably diplomatic term, ignoring Nobby's snickers, "fine being, care to explain who the crew in question is?"

"And are you plannin' any funny business?" Nobby added, not willing to let go of his suspicion yet.

"Well, there's Me! There's Jonny, who is currently Beheaded, Nastya, who has Refused to Set foot on the Disc for Moral Reasons, Raph And Ivy, who are Helping Marius ask that man Vimes out to Dinne-"

"Well your Marius won't have much luck with that," Colon interrupted, undiplomatically. "Sam doesn't swing that way."

There was a moment of silence.

"Fred," Nobby began, putting on his best 'telling a figure of relative authority that they are, actually, spouting ideas that are even more incorrect than that time Aunt June got drunk at the Hogswatch party and began claiming that the world wasn't flat' voice.

"Mr Vimes'as been out for longer than I've known him. And you’ve know him longer than I have."

"But when I've gone about him being all strait-laced - you know how he gets - none of you bastards corrected me did you!"

Nobby was not a book-smart man. If asked what a thesaurus was, he'd probably say some sort of dead lizard. Whilst he didn't know his words though, he did know his friend.

"Fred," he said again, "d'you think strait-laced means a straight person who wears lace up boots?"

Colon opened and shut his mouth a few times, trying and failing to say something.

"Course I don't," he said at last, recovering admirably. "Just, keeping you on your toes."

Spinning to face the Toy Soldier and, he hoped, firmer conversational ground, he added: "Is Sybil aware of your Marius' advances on her husband?"

"Oh most Certainly! She has Even helped Plan Out his Speech!"

"Ah." Nobby nodded thoughtfully. "wuh-luh-wuh muh-luh-muh solidarity."

"Sybil likes women?"

"Course she does sarge. She was engaged to that lady nob, before Sam nat’rally, but they broke it off on account of her, the nob, not liking all them dragons."

"You know a lot of people, Nobby"

"Word gets around."

"Do you, er, have some sort of mailing list then?" Fred was capital-S Straight, but tried not to let that get in the way.

Nobby failed at holding in a snort of laughter.

“A mailing list? Blimey Fred, imagine me getting a Hogswatch card from Vetinari himself. An’ imagine all them just waiting eagerly to get my letter.”

Seeing Colon’s expression, he tried to school his face into a more serious expression, but it didn’t last long.

“Imagine- just imagine a letter showin’ up at the Watch House, well, multiple letters really, cause of the fact you’re the only straight an cis person I can name off the top of me head, after Archchancellor whass’name has an attack of the Genders last month, all them letters with their little rainbow wax sealing stamps-”

Colon cleared his throat loudly. He jerked his head over to where the Toy Soldier was standing, unmoving, unblinking. Creepy bugger, he thought, undimplomatically, but this time he didn’t say it out loud. Character development.

“I’m sure our... friend... here doesn’t need to know, eh, Nobby?”

“On the contrary, I Think it’s Marvellous! A Mailing list, what Fun! Oh, I Do so enjoy visiting you Silly little People, with your silly Little Ideas!”

The words themselves seemed insulting, but the Toy Soldier’s tone was still bright and cheerful. Although...  three consecutive sentences ending with exclamation marks is never a good sign.

“Oh! It’s nearly Midnight now, If you Wanted to ring your Bell Again- oh!” It clapped its hands together excitedly. “Can I Ring it? And say the Thing?”

Without a complaint, Colon handed the bell over. There was probably a Rule about not doing that somewhere, but his mind was still stuck back on Vetinari. Everyone knew the Patrician wore that black ring on his middle finger, of course, but he hadn’t actually thought properly about th-

Nobby’s voice cut through his thoughts.

“You’re slightly staring at it, sarge.”

“Wha-? Yes, of course, go ahead and er, say the Thing, if you want.”

“Twelve O’clock And all is Wel-”

Its final word was drowned out as the city bells began chiming.

Midnight in Ankh-Morpork, and thus, the New Year, was determined largely by consensus, each of the bells chiming slightly out of time with each other. The first to ring belonged to the Fools’ Guild, because there is apparently nothing funnier than getting woken up in the dead of night. The fireworks began as the big brass gong at the Temple of Small Gods rang out, bangs and explosions adding to the chorus of dings, clangs, bongs and jingles. By the time the big rocket exploded purple and red over the sky it was impossible to tell the bells from each other, except for the tongueless and magical bell of Old Tom in the Unseen University clock tower, whose twelve even silences could be heard even over the din.

The high point of the display was, as usual, the Alchemists’ Guild blowing up, this time with an aesthetically pleasing blue fireball.

Nobby whistled in appreciation.

"Happy new year Fred."

"Happy new Nobby. Happy new year Toy Soldier who's still following us around."

"Happy New Year old Chums!"

[panda-noosh]

Hello Aticus! I see ‘requests are open’ and immediately a dozen joyful thoughts run through my head! May I request something with an animagus reader or a demigod AU? Thank you for sharing your writing! :)

   the night is always better. darkness keeps you hidden; that’s all you need these days.

    it started a few years ago. you were young, just entering your second year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. you’d heard all about animagus, the magic folk who can change into an animal of their choosing. back then, it was the most bizarre concept to wrap your head around; who could possibly want something like that?

   others in your class thought it was cool. they would spend lessons trying to find the spell for it, but such a spell was always kept hidden very deeply in the textbooks, and maybe rightly so.

    you didn’t need a textbook, though. having an animagus for a brother found to be a helping hand when it came to your own transformations.

    it happened one night in December. it was cold, and honestly, you probably shouldn’t have been out of the castle at that time, but you were getting restless. Filch had been keeping a close eye on you since he last caught you sneaking out of the dorms, meaning your late night trips to the Forbidden Forest have been few and far between. you couldn’t take it any more, though - you needed out. 

    so you got out.

   the Forbidden Forest was just as welcoming as it always has been. you lost yourselves in the trees that night, not even thinking about a transformation, but then it happened. it happened, and there was nothing you could do but let it happen. it wasn’t scary; you didn’t cry out for help, because you’d seen this happen to your brother on plenty of occasions. part of you always thought it would just be a matter of time until you found yourself experiencing the same thing.

    you were a fox. a bit of an anti climax, but it was cool enough.

   that night, you spent hours parading through the snow in your fox form, bouncing up and down, letting the white flakes drift over your head as your tail swooped them out from beneath you; it was the time of your life, and every night after that, you found yourself sneaking through the forest in a form unlike your own, enjoying yourself more than you would ever begin to think you could.

    and now, three years later, and you’re ashamed to say it’s Fred Weasley who catches you out.

   Fred bloody Weasley. the one person in the world who would rather tease you for this transformation than run away screaming. 

    he stands over you, an eyebrow raised. you slip back into human form, landing heavily in the grass with a comedic oomf to really top off your embarrassment. where he even came from, you are unsure, but that doesn’t even matter now because he’s stood over you with his arms folded over his chest and a tiny smile playing on his face, and you honestly just want to hit him.

   “what are you doing out of bed?” you find yourself asking.

   Fred laughs. “i could ask the same about you, y/n, but it looks like i have my answer.” he tilts his head to the side. “when were you gonna tell me you’re an animagus?”

    you scramble to your feet, brushing blades of grass from the seat of your robes. “i wasn’t, because it’s none of your business.”

   “of course not. it would still have been good to know.” he rakes his eyes along your form. for just a second, you have to remind yourself that you are indeed human, you did turn back. what he sees right now is you, just as he knows you to be. “so a fox, huh? did you choose that for yourself, or...”

   “no,” you bark. “it’s not my choice what i turn into. it just kind of happens.”

   “so this is a genetic thing?”

   you fold your arms over your chest, glaring at him. “do you have to ask so many questions?”

    “sorry, love. it’s just not everyday i come into the forest to see one of my pals morphed into a fox.”

    you scowl. “my brother’s an animagus, too.”

   Fred’s features soften. “aaaaah.”

    “it’s honestly not a big deal.”

   “are you registered?”

   you pause. shit. you never even thought of that; for years, you have been skirting around the law in any attempt to keep out of the governments eyes when it comes to your animagus abilities. it’s not like you’re a rebel, but you seriously have no respect for the people in the Ministry, and you would much rather stay as far from them as possible; it’s kind of difficult to do that when they’re keeping an eye on your every move.

   Fred must take your silence as a no, because a smile immediately lights up his face. he laughs, clapping his hands in amusement. “no way! you’re really out here running about as a fox, and the Ministry have no idea?”

    you hiss, darting forward to slap your hand against his mouth. “can you keep your voice down, bloody hell! do you want the whole castle to know?”

   Fred laughs against your palm. “i’m amazed.”

   you pull away, shaking your head. “Fred, please, just leave it alone. don’t tell anyone - not even that brother of yours.”

    Fred rolls his eyes, stuffing his hands in his robes. “i won’t tell a soul. you can trust me.”

    you glare at him. in all honesty, you and Fred have always gotten along; in fact, you find him quite attractive, quite a blast to be around, but he’s really gotten on your nerves now. he just gets around, and you don’t even know how. you have to plan days in advance before you can even think of sneaking out of Hogwarts, and he just happens to be there every time you turn a bloody corner, like it doesn’t cost him a thought.

   but this is just too far. he shouldn’t know about any of this. he shouldn’t know about you.

    you can only hope he doesn’t tell the Ministry anything.

   ---

    two days later, Snape stands at the teachers table and demands attention from everyone. you reluctantly look up from your spell book.

    he doesn’t look too happy, but that really isn’t saying much when it comes to Severus Snape. his long nose points down at the sea of students he stands before, his knobbly hands folded in front of him. as per usual, he takes a minute to just bask you all in silence before finally starting on what he actually wants to announce.

    “it has come to our attention, as a teaching board, that there have been footprints traipsing through the Forbidden Forest recently.”

     nobody gasps. nobody really cares.

   not until Snape says, “the footprints show evidence of an Animagus amongst us.”

    your heart spirals. your head snaps up entirely, mouth running dry. immediately, your hands begin to tremble, and you can’t even think straight; that doesn’t make sense. you make sure to cover your footprints as best as possible every time you leave.

   but then you remember the last time you went in. Fred had shown up, distracted you completely. you must have left your track there. you must have slipped up.

   your eyes dart to the Gryffindor table. Fred, too, has frozen, staring up at Snape with wide, brown eyes. you want to scream at him. you want to tell him to just get up and leave with you right now, because if the school finds out about your abilities, or Fred’s involvement, the two of you will be sent straight to a hearing, and neither of you can afford that. neither of you can deal with that. neither of you can-

    Fred stands up before you can warn him.

   his chair screeches throughout the hall, forcing everyone’s attention to him. people whisper, but you can only focus on his voice when he says, “you idiot; that isn’t Animagus footprints. that’s me taking Doris on a walk at night.”

    Snape blinks. “pardon, Mr Weasley?”

   Fred rolls his eyes, really getting into his role. “Doris, my pet Tibetan fox; she strolls into the Forbidden Forest some nights, and i walk with her so she doesn’t get lost. i thought i’d covered my tracks the other night, but i guess not.” he scoffs, shaking his head. “honestly, Snape, an Animagus. you know full well those are all kept on a leash by the Ministry. imagine one getting through the school without being noticed.”

    Snape’s nostrils flare as a chorus of laughter erupts from the students; even a few teachers join in, the mere idea of an Animagus slipping through their fingers clearly unbelievable. your cheeks heat up, and you duck your head down, heart still hammering in your chest from such a close call. you could scream at Fred, of course, for getting himself into so much trouble, because now he’s just exposed himself for walking around the Forbidden Forest after hours, but god, you could kiss him, too, because he’s basically just saved your life.

    Snape, of course, chastises the Weasley boy in front of everyone, whinging about how rules are rules and Fred will now be doing a detention with him every night until the end of term. Fred takes it all like a champ, nodding along to each punishment before lowering himself into his seat and sending you a sly wink.

    your heart starts thundering for a completely different reason.

   you catch up to him once dinner is finished. he’s waiting on you, leaned against the railing of the staircase with a smirk on his face, his head tilted down just a little bit. you don’t even hold back, instead choosing to jump directly into his arms.

    he laughs, bunding you up as he says, “you have to be more careful next time, Fantastic Fox!”

    you kiss his cheeks over and over. “you. crazy. man.” you pull away, holding him at arms length. “do you know how much trouble you could have gotten into in there?”

    “i did get in a lot of trouble,” he laughs. “but it’s okay. better a few detentions than you getting thrown in Azkaban.”

   you shake your head dumbly. “Fred, you really didn’t have to do that...”

   he shrugs. “i know, but i don’t really have to do anything.”

    and before he can say another dumb comment, you throw yourself forward and kiss him, because you want to, because nobody has ever done anything like that for you before, and honestly, Fred is just a really attractive man who is really nice, even though he tries hiding it from everyone.

   when you pull away, his eyes are wide, glazed over with a dopey smile to really add to the ensemble. you roll your eyes, swiping your finger along his bottom lip. 

   “close your mouth, Weasley, or you’ll catch flies.”

   “can you turn into flies, too?”