#Jasmine was pissed at Nick. Along with worried for his life.

[theflowerofthecommonwealth]

(Saw a video on Nicks death lines, got upset, made this to fix it. It turned out a lot longer)

Nick: (Taking cover behind a wall from Triggermen, wounded badly)

Triggermen: (Firing heavily, closing in around the synth Detective)

Nick: (Strained, hand on his chest) “We aren't done here… It'll take more than that…” (Looks down at the blue staining through his clothes) “Oh… thats a lot of coolant…”

Jasmine: (Appears to shoot down the remaining Triggermen, sprinting over) “Dad?!?” (Puts an arm around him to hold him up)

Nick: (Leaning heavily on the teen girl, eyes flickering on and off) (Weakly) “Been roughed up pretty bad here Doll…”

Jasmine: (Glancing Nick over with wide eyes) “Well no SHIT Sherlock!” (Helping him hobble to the exit)

More Triggermen: (Charges into the room, firing at the pair)

Jasmine: (Pushes her and Nick down behind a counter) “Shit...” (Drawing out her pistol with one hand)

Nick: (Pained) “Not… like this…” (Slumps downwards, eyes ominously flicking off and staring into space)

Jasmine: “DADDY NO!!!” (Lays him on the floor, glaring deathly up at the Triggermen) (Through gritted teeth) “Now you'll have to deal with me Fuckers…” (Pulls out her dagger)

[Loud gunshots and screaming, blood splattering everywhere followed by thuds of bodies hitting the floor]

Jasmine: (Runs back to Nick, easily lifting him up using the fireman's carry) “Im not losing you too…” (Makes another mad break for the exit)

[Hours later at Sanctuary]

Nick: (Sitting up on a bed in the Red Rocket station, completely repaired) “Huh?- What the…”

Sturges: “Hey you, you're finally awake-...”

Nick: (Frantically standing up, remembering the last events) “Where's Jasmine?!?”

Jasmine: (Standing in the darkest corner, unmoved since she got them both there) (Quietly) “Here…”

Nick: (Sighs in relief at his daughter being safe) “Hey there kiddo… quite the hectic day we've had huh?”

Jasmine: (Doesn't move, just stares at Nick absently)

Sturges: (Leaves to give them a moment)

Nick: (Assuring smile) “Sweetheart, I’m fine, see?” (Holds out his arms to gesture at himself)

Jasmine: “………” (Slingshots herself into Nicks arms, gripping him in a hug and bursting into tears) “YOU MORON I WAS SCARED AS HELL!!! WHY DID YOU GO IN THERE ALONE?!?”

Nick: (Stumbles back, sitting down on the bed with his crying kid in his arms) “Hey, shhh. Its okay, I am alright now…” (Stroking the teens hair)

Jasmine: (Sobbing in his shirt) “NO IT’S NOT ALRIGHT! YOU KISSED DEATHS ASS AND I WAS THERE TO WITNESS ALL OF IT!!!”

Nick: (Goes quiet at her words)

Jasmine: (Softly whimpering) “I cant lose you too Daddy… I cant… Not like everyone else…”

Nick: (Rocking the girl side to side, placing a kiss on the top of her head) “I know Doll… I‘m so sorry.”

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 5: Swamp Ass or Stank Face?

The main plot of this week’s episode is The Battle of the Bayou starring: Taylor, the calculating analytical elitist who knows what she’s talking about most of the time but comes off as unapproachable and rude as she constantly reminds us she has her Masters; and Corinne, the obnoxious narcissist whose every statement is so ridiculously and hilariously false you can’t tell if it’s all a strategic act or if she’s actually just a dumb, spoiled psychopath. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? We once again pick up in the middle of last week’s episode where Taylor is still trying to reason with an unreasonable fame whore, and said fame whore continues to be the absolute worst. 

Interestingly enough, none of the girls actually know what they’re fighting about and no one really cares. Even Alexis, the girl who allegedly wears a sumo suit to go to CVS just for kicks, thinks the two of them need to grow up because we’re not in high school anymore. Someone aptly points out that Corinne has done nothing to Taylor, and Taylor has done nothing to Corinne, yet here we are, watching them talk in circles about nothing. After firing off a few one-liners about Taylor’s stank face, Corinne takes it a step farther and tells Nick that she’s scared of Taylor because she’s not here for the right reasons and “that hurts her...for Nick.” Once she’s finished telling Nick all about Pizzagate and Taylor’s evil ways, Corinne is convinced that Taylor is going home and that she is “hashtag winning,” because nothing is more topical than a 5 year old Charlie Sheen quote. 

And if Corinne hadn’t started this drama Taylor might have actually gone home that night because Nick has never seemed interested in her, but it’s the 2-on-1 week so Taylor lives to see another day. Great.

The Next Bachelorette

After being made to suffer through almost an entire rose ceremony before actually getting her rose, Rachel is *blessed* with this week’s 1-on-1 date which actually seems fun compared to poor Raven who was stuck hanging out at fucking Bella’s soccer game. As they pal around New Orleans eating oysters and beignets, Nick preposterously claims that of all the girls in the house he has the “most explosive chemistry” with Rachel ...

After Nick and Rachel lead a Second Line through the streets of New Orleans, Rachel tells a a story about how the last time she was in NOLA she participated in a parade but it was for a funeral, which is when she decided to live her life to the fullest and...go on the Bachelor? This story, as well as the background on her intimidating federal judge of a father and how Rachel is not used to being vulnerable despite being very emotional (or something like that), serves as the perfect set up for Rachel to be the next Bachelorette. It’s a NO BRAINER at this point, and I’m 100% confident that this is what ABC was hoping for when they “cast” Rachel to be on the show. ABC really wants a diverse star to prove they don’t have a race problem, but she has to be likable (code: not too black), smart (code: have a real job), and beautiful. Coincidentally, Rachel has all of those characteristics and Nick seems into Rachel enough for her to make it to hometowns, leaving me with the hope that, maybe, just maybe, we’re finally going to have a Blachelorette.

Do you believe in ghosts?

The group date this week presents us with a chance to identify the women who say things like “the energy in this room” by taking the girls to the Houmas House, one of the most haunted houses in America that also happens to come with a full bar and a Norman Bates caretaker who goes by the name of Boo. Boo takes the girls on a tour of the old house that is apparently haunted by a young girl name Mae who gets real pissed when you fuck with her dolls. I can’t tell if it’s the fake painting of Mae or the fervor with which Boo demands that no one touch these dolls, but I’m 99% sure that these dolls all belong to Boo, and Mae never existed. A few minutes of research reveals that the house, also known as Burnside Plantation, once housed 750 slaves and was the center of the largest slave holding in Louisiana. 

So it’s pretty safe to say that if any ghosts actually haunted this plantation they wouldn’t be of a little girl worried about her goddamn dolls, but one of the countless slaves that lived and died in captivity. Curiously, nothing about slaves or the plantation are ever mentioned as Boo continues to make a big deal the girls not touching his dolls. 

Once the girls are forced to hang out alone with Nick after Boo takes his leave to try on some of his dead mother’s clothes, they play with an Ouijia board to distract from the crushing reality that they are all wasting their time (and losing money) while looking for love on this show.  And then coincidentally, after Jasmine the vocal non-believer of ghosts touches a statue, a chandelier falls and things start getting spooky! While the girls take turns playing Ghost Hunters, Nick has empty conversations with everyone except Raven*, who accidentally lets slip that she fell in love with Nick while he was rollerskating. This is dubious for many reasons, including the fact that she’s spent maybe 6 hours in total with Nick, and also, it’s Nick. But Raven seems pretty genuine and Nick very surprised, so I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately for Raven, however, Nick and the producers already decided he needed to give the rose to the girl next door, neonatal nurse other video vixen, Danielle M., to reaffirm his intention to continue to string her along. I’m sure Boo was thrilled to see them leave so he could get back to his tea party.

Battle of the Bayou

And now, for the “main event” of the episode: the rumble in the jungle between Taylor and Corinne! In the blue corner, coming in hot with a Masters from Johns Hopkins and a “stank face on her face,” Taylor!! In the red corner, trying so desperately to make every in-camera interview into a gif, Corinne!! Throughout the episode both sides are given their chance to present their case to the Nation of Bachelor. According to Corinne, she is exactly what Nick needs and Taylor is a bitch who thinks shes better and smarter than everyone. According to Taylor, she has her Masters, is more qualified to be a wife, and Corinne is a lying manipulative clown. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

Once they reach the depths of the bayou, Nick and the girls are met by the best voodoo priestess ABC could find, Rachel Dolezal 2.0. I was hoping for either an old black blind woman or an Angela Basset type, but beggars can’t be choosers in the swamp I guess. They are soon directed to Ms. Cleo, who reads Taylor’s fortune first and warns her that it’s best not to engage with the evil spirits but to take the high road and rid herself of all this negativity. Now since Taylor has her Masters, she knows that when trolls go low, you go high, but that’s only the right call 71.4% of the time, or when you aren’t living in this alternate reality where nothing is real and everything is upside down. Unfortunately for Taylor, we’re in that alternate reality and even Ms. Cleo can sense what’s coming because the cards don’t lie.

And sure enough, as soon as Corinne gets Nick alone, she starts twisting the truth and painting a false narrative of Taylor as the aggressor and Corinne as the victim. Taylor tries ineffectively to reverse the damage Corinne has done with her fake news and alternative facts, but in this alternate upside down reality, alternative facts are the facts, and we know how this story ends. Instead of picking the girl who is at least a qualified and rationale choice for a wife, he picks the obnoxious train wreck who’s only doing this for fame. Even though I’ve been a Taylor Hater since Day 1, this move is preposterous, and everyone involved knows it. Even Nick is blushing with embarrassment as he and Corinne awkwardly climb back into their boat leaving Taylor to reassess her life choices and the meaning of the world alone in the woods. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

Did you notice . . .

** We don’t get to see this until the credits, but Nick’s conversation with Alexis on the group date, centering around her legitimate fear of Nicolas Cage, is amazing. WHY are they showing me clips of Danielle L. telling Nick she maybe is falling for him, or of Danielle M. barely talking at all, and putting these Alexis nuggets of gold at the end of the episode!?! The producers and editors really fucked this season up by not giving her more screen time because she is so much funnier and better in all respects than anything that comes out of Corinne’s mouth. #JUSTICEFORALEXIS 

“Realistically, I don’t see Nick and Corinne getting married at the end of this” is the understatement of the century. 

“If I see a ghost I’m gonna rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus.” 

Of course Danielle L. believes in and is afraid of ghosts. I actually LOLed when she said this date was going to be “a challenge” for her. 

“I had a great time. I did not squeal.” - Nick ....

The real loser in the Battle of the Bayou is Rachel, who is forced to spend an entire day alone in the house with Taylor and Corinne.

Nick is fucking terrible at being the Bachelor. I know I’ve gone on and on about how disingenuous he is, but it’s driving me nuts. Sure, every Bachelor has to say dumb shit like “From Bourbon Street to the Bayou, I can’t imagine a better place to fall in love.” but literally every single time he addresses the girls and in most of his 1-on-1 conversations it feels like he’s reciting Bachelor Canon because he couldn’t be bothered to think of anything real to say at any point along the way.

They say if you get close to the woods you can still hear Taylor whispering “but I have a Masters ...”

Minority Report: Interestingly enough, and despite the fact that they don’t appear to have any connection with Nick whatsoever, Jasmine and Jaimi are still around. I know this is cynical, but between Nick’s lazy approach and coziness with the producers, it feels like he agreed to make sure a few black girls stuck around long enough until the producers / Bachelor Nation could pick one they liked and move forward with the whole Blachelorette campaign. Now I know what you’re thinking: c’mon Jen, that’s racist. Well ... so is The Bachelor.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯