#Jay and Jon have enough unique stuff going on with them anyways that it ends up sort of being seasoning on top of an already unique ship

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, week thirty-four

in this post WITH A TWIST YOU’LL NEVER SEE COMING, we review the songs which debuted on the billboard chart the weeks of 8.30.1997, 9.1.2007, and 9.2.2017

8.30.1997

40) "All Cired Out," by Allure ft./112

Imagine how dope this would have been a capella. Like, you have a girl group and a boy group. That's at least six singers good enough to sustain their own groups. Why you gotta give this song all the production? Why not let the cavalcade of singers carry this one home? Curse that we're a good 15 years away from Pentatonix making a capella commercially viable! This song could have been something.

46) "Backyard Boogie," by Mack 10

/clears throat /tugs at collar Eh, now this mack should not have returned. /bows to thunderous applause /leaves the stage /audience still applauding /walks back onto stage /tugs at throat /clears collar Eh, now... /audience falls into rapturous, expectant silence This mack? /everyone in the audience is waiting for the words i speak to deliver their salvation /i hold them for a thousand years Should not have returned. /i am anointed Wonderful Comedy Boy /god himself weeps

62) "What About Us," by Total ft./Missy Elliott

Never gonna complain about Missy in YAS, except for the time she cropped up in 2017 and I wasn't into it. I complained about it then, if memory serves. But I only complained about it because it was a Missy song that didn't sound like this, because this song is smooth and fresh and several other outdated descriptors! Also, I haven't made enough a big deal about The Double Decade Dance Club, but, as far as I'm willing to go back through the archives, the folks who've had songs chart in '97, '07, and '17 are Missy Elliott, Jay-Z, Tim McGraw, and Faith Hill. Special consideration is given to Mariah Carey, who doesn't qualify for Decade Dance with no songs charting in '07 but DID have songs debut later in '97 and earlier in '17! Congratulations to those five people on this fake accolade in a blog read by an indeterminate but likely single-digit number!

68) "Around the World," by Daft Punk

Have I had my complaints about electronic music in the 1997 list? Yes. Have I wished for dance music that sounds like something I could dance to? Several times! Does this mean I like Daft Punk? I... I mean, y'all knew I wasn't cool. Like, this sounds fine, I don't disagree with every single thing happening in this song, which is a step up from all the other electronic music, but I connect to this about as much as I do a well-composed track in a video game. I admire how it does its thing, but I'm not attached to this song in any meaningful way, I'm not having any sort of emotional reaction to it. It just sort of exists while I'm hitting buttons. Wait and this is HOW MANY minutes long? Y'all, I'm behind on every single obligation, no thank you.

69) "My Love Is the Shhh!" by Somethin' for the People ft./Trina & Tamara

This is like a staler version of the Missy track we had earlier, and I already opted not to pay attention to the Missy track so I could blather about YAS mythology, I don't know how I'm supposed to come to this song and find something else to say about it. What kind of name is Somethin' for the People, anyway? How do you settle on that as a name? Did literally every other combination of words in the English language fail to please you? I have to access the Iowa Land Records website sometimes, and the captchas they use on that website are delightful words that are almost English but not quite. Today I had to enter Simbang Carrer. I don't understand how you could be given a set of letters and rules which can create Simbang Carrer and think, "No. Somethin' for the People. That is how we identify." I hope they had a rivalry with Nice Songs For Enjoyment.

72) "Don't Say," by Jon B

milquetoast (adj) - a word used by people looking for a synonym for 'bored' that happened to open the thesaurus while they were hungry

73) "As We Lay," by Daha

"I'll be fine," Bob said as he decided to put off writing the entirety of YAS to Wednesday evening. "I know 1997 has 11 songs, but there's no way all of them are going to be '90s R&B! I won't get burnt out by the fifth R&B jam because there will only be five, with enough variety between R&B jams to keep these songs fresh1" Friends, I can admit when I have erred. In my defense: have you listened to Bad Cop/Bad Cop's Warriors? I feel I should be forgiven for making Bad Cop/Bad Cop's Warriors the only thing I've listened to the last five days. This song is pretty okay. I think the beat isn't quite sure what song it belongs to, but it gives this song a unique sound, which, hey, you probably didn't listen to all these songs. You probably don't get how much I treasure something that sounds unique, even if it's a not especially great kind of unique.

78) "Happy with You," by Samantha Cole

HELL YEAH I LOVE THAT SEINFELD-ASS BASS. You know what, song of the year, right here. I feel like this song is the reward for sloughing through Slow R&B Mire, and now I have this upbeat song about the joy of finding another soul in this world and being in that moment with them, and I just, thank you, thank you everyone for creating this moment, for giving me just like a nice song about how good an emotion love is. Yeah, girl, you try to hit that high note! A for effort! A for good song! A+ to your bassist, what a pleasant song!

80) "No Tengo Dinero," by Los Umbrellos

"Los Umbrellos was a Latin pop dance group formed in Denmark" Um "It was led by the rapper Al Agami, the exiled crown prince of the small African enclave of Africa" UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM DID SOMEONE SEE THAT NO ONE HAD WRITTEN AN ARTICLE ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR GROUP AND JUST SAID "I'LL TAKE TO WIKIPEDIA!" AND JUST MADE SHIT UP? DANISH LATIN POP GROUP "The song hit #1 in Austria" OK, that I'll believe, knowing what I know about Austrian music that absolutely tracks, this is the trash they love in Austria. But no seriously DANISH. LATIN. POP. GROUP.

86) "Piece of My Heart," by Shaggy ft./Marsha

Oh hell yeah. This is everything the "I Shot the Sherrif" cover wasn't. Like, that was a song that wasn't quite sure what it wanted to do with the song, but you know what this does? You know what made me laugh in my apartment? It took the Janis Joplin cover, it gave it the reggae backing, it did the "COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!" thing, and that led RIGHT INTO A GODDAMNED SHAGGY VERSE. LIKE HELL YEAH. That's the music version of the hidden blocks in Kaizo Mario. Just get dunked on. "COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON," and then it turns out we were building up to Shaggy. That was beautiful. Like, this kinda garbages up a standard, but I don't care, it's hella fun.

88) "I Care 'Bout You," by Milestone

Yep. Yeah, there's about only one way 1997 could end. "Sometimes I feel so alone/I call your heart but there's no one at home." Oh absoLUTEly fuck off.

9.1.2007

38) "You Are the Music in Me," Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens 60) "Gotta Go My Own Way," Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens 66) "Bet on It," Zac Efron 74) "I Don't Dance," Corbin Bleu & Lucas Grabeel 90) "Everyday," Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens 92) "All for One," High School Musical 2

Even in 2007, I was already too old, as well as a tad bit too straight, to have any opinion on the High School Musical series. But! While I have gotten approximately 10 years older in the intervening ten years, I like to think I've become substantially gayer, so HERE WE GO. Honestly, HSM as a franchise is inoffensive fun. I enjoyed the first movie when I was of an appropriate age to have watched it, I enjoyed the clips from the second film as a 28-year-old alone in an apartment, and "Bet on It" is a classic piece of American filmmaking that should be taught in schools. I’m not afraid to say it: High School Musical is great, and we are going to be so grateful if the world lasts long enough for the ‘00s nostalgia wave to hit and create the 20-year High School Musical reunion and/or reboot movies.

46) "Clothes Off!" Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump

So this song is breezy fun, almost certainly the song of the week were it not for the fact "Bet on It" belongs in every museum, but it does sort of foretell the disappointing direction in which Travis McCoy would venture, dunnit? "Cupid's Chokehold" is this equally fun song about a neurotic, emokiddy person finding love in this crazy world, and it's not the most sophisticated thing in the world, but it's a nice song with a distinct feel, and then there's this party jam about gettin' naked, and it's like, alright, I dig this party jam, but you're gonna go back to, y'know, the emo stuff, right? But they never did. They made one really dope song and then just made this forever.

98) "So Small," Carrie Underwood

Finally: an inspirational ballad from a female country singer. Don't think I've heard one of those yet from 2007. Great times.

9.2.2017

42) "Silence," by Marshmello ft./Khalid

This is a sensitive EDM jam like all the other sensitive EDM jams. I'm still lukewarm on Khalid as a whole, like I think he does a fine job on this song but I don't understand why he's this whole thing, don't really get what he brought to this song that no one else could, but honestly that doesn't matter when I probably couldn't discern this from a Chainsmokers joint. Y'all have fun with this one, teens. Y'all do you.

88) "More Girls Like You," by Kip Moore

Hold up. Hold up. Can we talk about the amazing mixed similie in the first verse? "I've been livin' like a wild old Mustang out in Montana fields" A mustang is a horse. He is comparing himself to a wild horse. Understandable, and hey -- interesting spin on the usual back road cliche! Montana is the state equivalent of a back road. Quality shitty songwriting! "Mighta earned me a bad reputation, but never stopped these wheels" A mustang is a car. So he's a Ford Mustang in Montana? I mean I guess? Always good to compare yourself to an American-made automobile in country music. "I'm like a Camry runnin' with a full tank!" said no country star ever. "From rollin' and goin' too far/From runnin' and gunnin' too hard" OK, so he's a car, I recognize these as car terms, you gun engines, I get that, I remember the word rollin' playing a starring role in the Chamillionaire standard "Ridin'," I guess I got that part wrong at the start. Definitely a car. "So unreigned, so untamed" WHAT A HECKIN' TWIST HE WAS HORSE THIS WHOLE TIME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? Man, this song is trash.

92) "Something New," by Wiz Khalifa ft./Ty Dolla $ign

"Girl, you look just like something out a magazine/You smell great, know your body clean" ...Di, um, excuse me, but did Wiz Khalifa just compare his girl to the perfume samples that sometimes come in magazines? Anyway, this song sure existed for three minutes.

95) "Untouchable," by YoungBoy Never Broke Again

Various other videos call this man NBA YoungBoy, and with respect to the choices he has made, I am going to refer to him as that from here on out, assuming we hear from him again, which, hey, he's not the worst of the mumble-rap cohort! I kinda feel bad calling him mumble-rap, because this song actually goes more than one place, and that's at least him mumbling! No auto-tune over a trap beat, an actual human being mumbling over a fairly compelling track. Beat's really good, this might be the first song that actually held my attention for all three minutes. Don't know who produced this, but I hope that person goes just a bit farther than NBA YoungBoy.

97) "I Could Use a Love Song," by Maren Morris

I really wish the first six seconds of "Sugar" could be a single. The rest of the song is good, too, but those first six seconds are goddamned flames. I think it's important for you to know that Maren Morris is way more compelling than this song. It's fine, but like we had "Every Little Thing" two weeks ago, y'know? Like, the music video talks through the song, and I don't... blame it? It's OK! Just slight.

98) "Fix a Drink," by Chris Janson

OH FUCK THIS DUDE AND HIS "ROCKABYE"-ASS SPOKEN WORD NONSENSE. This is stupid. This is stupid, and I'm stupid for ever complaining about the preponderance of '90s R&B I've foisted upon myself. It has a sense of humor decidedly sub-Toby Keith. Congratulations on being able to make beer.

100) "Woke Up Like This," by Playboy Carti ft./Lil Uzi Vert

Billboard didn't classify any songs as either debuts or re-entries, songs that weren't on the chart last week simply didn't have an arrow next to the name and I had to guess if they were actually new or retreads of previously released songs. Like, I could have sworn I had to deal with Kip Moore, but that's prolly just 'cuz it sounds like the rest of bro country's nonsense. So I can't tell if this is a new song because they restyled the title or if this is an actual new version of "Woke Up Like This," but I'ma just go ahead and assume my initial assessment of this dude being boring still holds. I can’t believe an entity called NBA YoungBoy won the 2017 Song of the Week title. I can’t... I... Oh. Hold up.

Who won the week?

Did High School Musical 2 just win this one for 2007. Did 2007 really produce the best songs because this was the week High School Musical 2 dropped. It’s not 2017 because the highest grade I’m willing to give “Untouchable” is C+. It’s not 1997 because there was “Happy with You” and a lot of interchangeable nothings. Holy cats. 2007 won High School Musical 2 Week. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I’m going to say, of the three years, 2007, BASED SOLELY ON THE STRENGTH OF HIGH SCHOOL GODS DAMNED MUSICAL 2, WON THIS FAKE ACCOLADE ON THIS LITTLE-READ BLOG. I forgot “Clothes Off!” dropped this week. This is all HSM2. Wow. What a week this turned out to be. When I was makin’ these lists, when I saw all the High School Musical 2 droppin’, I said, “2007 is dead in the water.” BUTCHA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?!

2017: 12 1997: 11 2007: 11

2007 has won three of the last four weeks. Don’t call it a comeback, because 2007 never left. History is permanent, it would be weird if the entirety of 2007 disappeared even for a second. And next week, the last selection remaining from HSM2, “Fabulous,” will team up with 50 Cent to take on “Barbie Girl” and what appears to be /sigh/ an Avicii tune. Will the dream die? FIND OUT!