theworstbob - Tumblr blog

[theworstbob]

will graham narrating animations that play(ed?) in bowling alleys

4:08-4:11

I lure the pins into a dark alley. I see them walk beneath the streetlight, completely expressionless. Cold. They know they have the upper hand. I seem to cower under cover of darkness, and they let their guards down. They forget the chase. They think I've no moves left to make, and they begin to descend on me, unaware that... That I'm ready to strike.

This is my design.

[theworstbob]

europe how did fifth harmony win the mtv europe music award for best us act twice

[theworstbob]

really gotta hand it to nicole scherzinger for making it work without changing her last name from "scherzinger." doubtless she had several people in her ear urging her to go by nikki sheer or something, but she said, no, i'm proud of my family and i'm going to do my best to honor them. credit to the pussycat dolls for allowing nicole scherzinger a vehicle in which she could drive to the fore of cultural consciousness without having to stray from her identity. hero. real america.

[theworstbob]

my three favorite memories from early on in the pandemic

When it was decided that I would be going into the office full-time, I was instructed to print off a sheet of paper from Job explaining that I was OK to be outside and on buses and whatever because I was going to work. I would carry this sheet of paper in my back pocket, believing there were scenarios in which I would be asked to prove that I had reasons to be outside or on a bus, and I did this for like three weeks before realizing that no one was ever going to ask me for this piece of paper. There weren't gonna be cops roaming the streets talking to people at bus stops in an attempt to prevent unnecessary trips. I was just carrying garbage. It wasn't even official garbage. This wasn't a laminated card with the CEO's signature. It was printed on a piece of paper. I might as well have written "I A GO OUTSIDE GOOD BOY WORK GO OK" in three colored pencils on yellow construction paper, with a drawing of me smiling while walking outside a house underneath a yellow/purple/tickle-me-pink sun with black/red/periwinkle sunglasses.

Security at the corporate campus had to start taking our temperature when we walked into the building and day one of the new procedure the guy aimed the scanner at my head, looked at the readout, and said, "Oh, that's very good." This haunts me. What the fuck does that mean.

I was peeing, and this guy came in. There were only two urinals and two stalls in this bathroom, and even though both stalls were open, this guy just sorta waited in the corner. And I understood. There's pretty much a force field around me in this particular moment in men's room history. Like, in the beforetimes, he'd only be violating the gay buffer, but now? With social distancing rules in place? I'd suck his dick and get him sick! I finished my business and gave him an appreciatory nod as I made my way to the sink. Like, I get it, I don't get it?, but I thank you for having some idea of consideration for my safety.

[theworstbob]

i need to note for the sake of completion that i ended up working at the stove garage for two weeks. my last day there, there was some issue i barely even remember, something like we didn't have dryers? anyway the owner of the store had the manager of one of the other stores (this was, apparently, a chain) call us to say that the owner was very upset and had to cancel a dinner to take care of the issue, and like a) the owner... can't... call... us...? b) i don't ...care? the owner had to cancel dinner? that's the owner's choice! the owner very likely did not have to do that! my job is not to ensure the owner can enjoy an evening out with friends, my job is to sell whatever the owner puts in the garage. decided if this was what i was hearing two weeks into the job, i was probably gonna hear some bulllllllllllshit as my responsibilities increased, so like, yeah, see ya Todd

the main thing i remember about this job is that one of the people who tried to train me came in with a bag from a gas station containing two Mountain Dew Kickstarts. she went through those Kickstarts the first four hours of the shift, left for lunch, and came back with another Kickstart. it was a staggering sight. she said she was a mother of three, and i remember thinking, shit, we are the same age. we grew up in the same culture. i get what's happening, and i know it's not your fault. we were taught to want the life our parents had, the house the kids the white picket fence, but our grandparents put that life out of our price range. the only way to access the means necessary to enjoy that lifestyle is to work, to grind, to toil. you don't want to be awake right now. you'd prefer to have a good night's sleep, but time spent sleeping is time away from the grind. you can't sleep, you're not unable to sleep (you are well able and eager to sleep) but you can't sleep, sleep is abdication of opportunity. biologically, you need the energy you can only get from a good night's rest, but luckily, there are several beverages which will imbue within you the energy without any other benefit and several additional harms. i have coffee and diet soda, you have these three Kickstarts, and these are not vices because they're core to existence in this moment. our hearts will eventually become overburdened and fail, and at our funerals they'll reflect on our productivity and celebrate our "heart." i'm so sorry it's the way it is. being sorry isn't helpful but i don't know what else i can be.

my other trainer thought it was ridiculous they were trying to cancel Brett Kavanagh. i think about her less

So I got a call about an application I put in for an appliance store, and the woman I talked to said, “Ordinarily, I’d set up an interview in the store, but the last few people have seen the location and just not shown up,” so she had me just go to the place to make sure it looked OK.

And I saw it was in North Minneapolis and I thought, “Oh, those other people just saw one dude in a du-rag and said ‘Heavens to Betsy!’ before speeding away,” so I took the bus down there and

The area itself is fine

But the *store*

Having entered the store and seen it was a garage and speaking to a nice man named Greg, I know it is *not* a front for a Russian mafia’s money laundering scheme?

But from looking at the outside, I would not be surprised if it ended up *being* a front for a Russian mafia’s money making scheme

anyhoo stoked to interview for the sales position at the stove garage

[theworstbob]

i started listening to the podcast You're Wrong About when they were like 7-8 episodes in. i followed them on twitter, and to my surprise they followed me back. i knew that whichever of them was running the account was just being nice, doing the follow-for-follow thing smaller creative endeavors will engage in on their socials, but still, it's nice when someone clicks your name and says "yes! friend-like person!"

but in the years since this podcast has become legitimately huge. they have 131k followers on twitter, but they only follow 2,780 people, so they clearly stopped being follow-for-follow years ago. however, they have yet to unfollow me, and every day i live knowing there will come a day where the host logs into the podcast account, sees she's following some dumbass tweeting about Usher, and finally hits the unfollow button. i dread this day. i dread not just knowing that i will lose the You're Wrong About follow, but that there will be a post that causes it and i will have to think about the post that so insulted You're Wrong About for the rest of my life.

[theworstbob]

the podcast Punch Up the Jam was a beautiful miracle. it was the sound of two of the world's dumbest idiots making the stupidest shit they could and it ruled. one host left the podcast because he wanted to paint or whatever. the other kept it alive solo for a year or two before burning out or w/e she's a mess we stan. the network to which the podcast belonged recently revived it, but for some reason they made two of the "Bed Intruder Song" dipshits hosts. and i said, "Well. I dunno. I did sorta like 'Auto-Tune the News.' I'm willing to invest a few hours into finding out whether it was legitimately funny or I was 22." and now i know that when i go to hell the only thing i'll hear for all of eternity is two 40-year-old micro-celebrities trying to do jokes about Olivia Rodrigo

hey did we ever decide on whether or not “bed intruder song” was #problematic

[theworstbob]

man life before cancel culture was wild, like you don't really think about it if you lived through it but every now and then some shit from 2004 pops into your head and you're like, "Damn, Gwen Stefani really hired four Japanese girls to shadow her during all her public appearances. Why would she be allowed to do that!"

[theworstbob]

school: we’re going to put you in this program for gifted and talented youths to further develop your critical thinking skills and encourage your creativity so you may more fully engage with the world 8-year-old bob!: sounds great! i can’t wait to grow up and see what great things i can do! 28-year-old bob!:

[theworstbob]

Hannibal Lecter: Me, William.

Will Graham: /trembling/ No.

Hannibal Lecter: I am everything you want. I am everything you need.

Will Graham: /shakes head, whispers/ Impossible.

Hannibal Lecter: /rubs will's cheek/ I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be.

[theworstbob]

professional wrestling is ya fiction, i do not need to explain this further

[theworstbob]

twitter's broken, now where am i going to post thoughts like "even though he's never played for the Orlando Magic it feels like Rudy Gay's spent his entire career on the Orlando Magic." there's no other website where i can do that

[theworstbob]

My god! The killer in this Netflix true crime documentary is an average everyday American! My... My sister's boyfriend is an average everyday American! I HAVE TO WARN HER!

[theworstbob]

Netflix true crime documentary: So the man killed his wife.

Me: Oh my god. So tragic. So senseless.

Netflix true crime documentary: And then, he killed his children.

Me: ...Well. I mean? You kinda have to at that point. Right? Like, best-case scenario -- absolute best-case scenario -- they're witnesses who live the rest of their lives with unhealing scars, like 60-80 years of never being OK. You gotta kill the kids there, like, OBVIOUSLY I think it's sad, but... Ya know...

[theworstbob]

Mufasa: When we die, our bodies become the grass. And the antelope *eat* the grass. And so, we are all connected in the great circle of life.

Barry, an antelope who was passing by: Oh yeah. Yeah. Great circle of life. No yeah totally. Mm-mmm. Love this grass. Way better than having a grandpa. So good. Soooooo goooooooooooood.

[theworstbob]

sorry that i’ve been kinda moody lately, they announced emma stone was playing cruella de vil and trying to figure out if that means i think cruella de vil is hot has put me in a weird headspace

[theworstbob]

the cw owes me fucking money dude smh

After thinking about it, I am quite surprised that no one ever gave Sabrina the Teenage Witch an emo vampire makeover. Fuck’s sake, they gave Teen Wolf an emo vampire makeover, I’m sure that, at the height of Twilight (the Twiheight), someone had to have dipped Sabrina the Teenage Witch into a My Chemical Romance album and pitched it to all the networks.