#Keeps herself on a tight leash; unless shes doing REALLY badly..

[dol-dee]

i think the occasionally civil interaction Dee and Whitney have is mooching cigarettes or a lighter off the other. its a rare occurance though

[shivunin]

So I saw your tags on the types of love ask and I'm also obsessed with the first weeks and months after Fenris and Hawke break up lol!! I would love to hear more of your thoughts about what Maria and Fenris are feeling/thinking esp wrt fighting together, how the kirkwall group sees them, and just generally how they cope with not being "together" but still being around each other all the time.

Oooh anon, I tried to keep this a reasonable length and I failed haha. In my defense, I have 30k words of unfinished fic answering this very question and I pared it down as best I could.

So:

I think the immediate aftermath is, of course, the most painful--but it's also the most careful on her part. Analysis sets in for her pretty quickly about a day later, when her head is more clear: she loves him and she doesn't believe that loving him gives her a right to take his friends and home away. Hawke is very aware that she has the power to do this if she isn't careful.

What can she do about it? Give him space. Make sure he knows he's still welcome. Keep inviting him to things where many of her other friends are present. Never touch him unless she has no other choice, because she knows she'll give herself away. Look at him directly as little as possible (this one is for her own sake---watching him is like putting her thumb on a bruise to make sure it's still there). Be alone rarely, if ever, and if alone then at a great distance. No more walking home together; no more late nights reading in her library before the fire; no more long goodbyes at her door. She tries so hard to be careful with him and instead she is stiff and overly polite.

It hurts. For both of them. I've talked before about how friendship is the bedrock of their relationship to me, and for a while they lose that, too. Maria's fatal flaw is that she thinks she can perfectly read everyone around her. She assumes that the boundaries she's drawn are good for both of them and she never, ever asks Fenris what he thinks or wants---because that would mean talking about it.

Fighting is rough for a while, because one of them is now dedicated to not paying attention to the other. They both get hurt, badly, in the few weeks immediately after that night. Fenris occasionally slips and calls her Maria (he can't get it out of his head no matter how much he'd like to). Hawke occasionally slips and pats his shoulder or elbows him to make a joke before she remembers and pulls away again.

At last, they get in a really big argument over what Fenris says to Merrill during Mirror Image. Maria loses her temper (she usually keeps a very tight leash on it) and says some things she doesn't mean---the subtext being, if she is a monster then I am a monster. If you knew that before, then why did you ever pretend you wanted me? She does not say this explicitly, because I think she doesn't actually want to know the answer. She apologizes as best she can without actually acknowledging what happened, but now that is festering between them, too.

All of their friends definitely know what's going on. They had front-row seats to the budding flirtation, the tiny gestures of affection...and now they also get to see Hawke putting herself as far away from him as possible, Fenris's absolute refusal to discuss any of it, the pained way he looks at her when she isn't watching, and so on. How can they not know? I think Varric and Isabela try to discuss it with Maria, in their respective ways, and she laughs it off. I think Anders probably makes a pointed comment and she bats that away, too. (Actually, Aveline might be the only one who's still oblivious, judging by the dialogue in her Act 2 quest.)

She does eventually confide in Sebastian, because he's supposed to take confessions, isn't he? Surely this is not so bad a thing to carry, in comparison to everything else. In the end, all she really wants is her friend back and she doesn't know how to get back what they've lost. She blames herself far more than she blames Fenris (Hawke should be able to fix everything always, obviously). Before she can come to any conclusions about how to patch things up, Leandra dies and she really starts spiraling.

When she finally emerges from the big blank space immediately following the funeral, Hawke is erratic. She gets drunk and sloppy, she throws herself into fights she couldn't possibly win, and she stops being careful with Fenris.

(For the record--I think he prefers the minor arguments to Hawke being polite with him. Maria is polite with Meredith and Marethari and the Viscount and the Arishok. She is friendly or charming or crass with everyone else. Being on the receiving end of cordiality was far, far worse than anything she pulls while she's grieving.)

Again--it takes something big to knock her out of this spiral. Luckily, Kirkwall has no shortage of shitshows. Hawke faces down death, comes to terms with the fact that she's just going to have to be in unrequited love with Fenris forever, and acquires a new title, not necessarily in that order. Fenris watches her die, acknowledges privately that he would rather be with her than without her regardless of what they are to each other or what dangers they face, and is there with her when she needs him the most.

Some of those boundaries stick around--she doesn't look at him often or for too long, which he hates, and they don't spend much time alone together. But slowly, slowly, they rebuild their rapport. Hawke and Fenris respect each other deeply; I think that's what makes the rest of it possible. Love is one thing---messy and busy and too heavy by far---but respect is something they both understand, and it's a good enough foundation to build on. She does love him; if she could make it into a purely platonic love, she absolutely would. More importantly, Maria trusts him and he clearly feels the same. It takes time, but they get back much of what they lost.

I want to be clear: she never thinks of any of this as biding her time for him to realize he wants her; she knows that he never will. She also knows she has to be okay with that if they're going to be friends again, and that matters to her most of all. It would have broken her heart to lose him because she couldn't move on.

For Fenris's part--I don't know how much of his reaction is guilt and how much is being caught essentially flat-footed. I cannot imagine what it would be like to work up to wanting to be emotionally intimate with someone (physical intimacy entirely aside) and then have that comfort entirely ripped away because of something he feels solely responsible for.

So, anon, to answer your question:

They deal with it by letting what happened between them be the third party in the room, ultimately. They both know what happened; they know that talking about it by now is more likely to open up wounds than it is to heal them. What they have is immeasurably valuable to both of them. If he still dreams about holding her, if she measures every suitor at her door against Fenris, well---that's for them to handle alone. Nobody else needs to know.

[brittysaucefanfic]

The Serpent and The Dragon

Chapter 3

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The Serpent Lion docks in the port at sunrise the next morning, Hunk having taken the night shift for steering the ship with two or three wind warlocks to keep the ship sailing forward. Even if only slowly. 

They wait for the rest of the day crew to wake up before getting off the ship so Lance can tell them his usual speech. No bar fights, unless someone else starts it, be back on the ship by morning, don't destroy the capital city again. The works. 

For some reason they usually get Lance into trouble with the King, like they do it on purpose. Lance steps on to the dock in his finest outfit, something bright blue and sparkly and as formal as he's willing to get. Shay, Lance's royally appointed handler, meets him at the end of the dock with a smile. Lance smiles at her but her eyes are all for Hunk, who shuffles behind him to keep with Lance's smaller strides. 

Lance looks back at Hunk to see him blushing. 

"Hey Lance, hey Hunk, you guys are back early." Shay greets them. Shay is a big girl with dark skin like mahogany wood and bright green eyes that remind Lance of emeralds. Her hair is just as big as her personality. 

"Not by choice I'm afraid. The Dragon's Fire raided the ship and nearly sunk us into the ocean." Lance explains. Shay frowns with a worried look, and Hunk jumps in to comfort her. 

"But it's okay! Lance made a huge ice dome around the hull of the ship to stop the water and kept it there until the holes could be patched up." Hunk explains. He doesn't go on to explain that Lance was unconscious for two days for it, but Lance won't make Shay more worried than she has to be. 

"Anyways, I feel I need to report to the King since I'm here anyways. You mind accompanying us so the guards don't accost us?" Lance says, turning on the charm to get her to agree. Shay rolls her eyes, knowing fairly well that the guards wouldn't step against Lance at this point. His face is well known in Altea since he befriended the Princess and she got her father to allow them to be pirates for Altea instead of against. 

"Oh of course Captain McClain, wouldn't want you to have any troubles in your travel to the castle." Shay replies dramatically. Even going so far as to delicately place a hand against her cheek in terror. Hunk sighs behind him when she smiles as bright as the sun. 

"Shall we then?" Lance asks, bowing and allowing her to pass him. She does as directed, and when Hunk steps to follow, Lance nudges him in the side. "Take her arm lover boy." 

Hunk's eyes widen and he hisses at Lance to be quiet. Lance crosses his arms and gives him a pointed look. "Do it or I will." Hunk looks at him with a glare. 

"You guys coming?" Shay calls over her shoulder, a good few feet ahead of them. Lance gestures for Hunk to take her by the arm and escort her to the castle. Hunk huffs and rushes ahead. Lance watches fondly as Hunk shyly rubs the back of his neck and offers his arm, not even looking at Shay.

He misses the bright red blush that darkens her cheeks and the even brighter smile that lightens her face. Lance walks a few feet behind them and watches in content as they talk and giggle with each other. The two of them are adorable together, practically courting but not officially because they're both shy.

The walk to the castle gates flies by and soon Shay leaves them with a smile. Hunk gets brave for a moment and kisses her hand goodbye, and watches as she squeaks and runs away with a love struck smile. Lance laughs and slings an arm over Hunk's shoulder, which is an awkward angle to reach but totally worth it in Lance's eyes. 

They are greeted by the Princess herself, Allura Altea, the third of her name. She wears a blue dress that flows to the ground and trails behind her just slightly with pink accents and long sleeves. The dress is her favorite because it's the most casual one she owns. If it was proper for a princess she would just wear a loose peasant shirt and tight pants, but if her father were to see her like that he would scold her gently (after he looks at her with love and pride, which actually never goes away when Allura is around). 

Lance bounds up the long steps and kneels at the Princess' feet, a hand over his heart and the other taking her hand to kiss. Allura rolls her eyes as he looks up at her with a charming smile. 

"Your highness, what a magnificent sight for this weary Pirate. Truly an honor to behold a beauty such as yours My Princess." Lance lays it on thick, and goofy smile at his lips. 

His flirting is more playful instead of charming since he sees Allura more as a friend and vice versa. Allura slips her hand from his grasp and flicks him in the forehead. He makes a wounded sound like he had been struck through the heart with a bullet. 

"Enough Lance, stop being so dramatic. Though seeing you so soon was unexpected, I was happy to hear your return." Allura says, her smile quirking her lips to the side. "The castle has been almost boring without you here to ruffle the court's feathers."

Lance rises to his feet as Hunk catches up, slightly out of breath. 

"Why of course it has, I'm the life of the party Princess." Lance says, wiggling his eyebrows to make her giggle. She always says he looks funny when he does that. His self satisfaction is justified when she laughs like he had wanted. 

"I'll escort you to my father then, so that I may keep you on a leash and not let you torment the staff." Allura teases. Lance makes another wounded sound as they start to walk. 

"How dare you, I am a delight!" 

They take a few more turns before reaching the main hall, Allura and Lance bantering back and forth. As they approach the Throne room, Allura subdues herself. Lance understands why she does that, the court is a minefield of drama and as future Queen she can't allow people she doesn't trust to really see the real her. It would be political ammo and Allura wants to start her Queen-ship with no issues to deal with. But that's still a few years away. She's only eighteen, she hasn't even been crowned Heir Apparent yet. 

Which it's only between her and her cousin Romelle. However Romelle is a free spirit who doesn't want a crown of thorns to keep her tied to the castle. Every once in a while Romelle will even accompany Lance on his ship, so that she might learn to be a sailor. One day, when Allura is Queen, Romelle will be the overseer of the military. 

It's actually funny, because she might not look it but Romelle is a master strategist. She plans to learn every aspect of war before she takes over from her father, Prince Ronan. Which she will need to, since the peace talks with Daibazal are tense and on a thin line between war and peace. 

Emperor Zarkon is being very uncooperative. 

They enter the throne room and the chatter that had been there silences as the Princess enters. Lance falls back and stands tall, one arm behind his back formally while the other one is across his stomach in the same manner. The crowd bows and curtsies as Allura passes. She walks taller than even Lance, head held high and hands folded in front of her delicately. Her dress flows behind her making her seem like she's floating instead of walking. Even her shoes don't make a sound. 

When Allura comes upon the stairs to the raised dais, she curtsies so low she almost sits on the ground. She rises when she wants, not needing to wait for permission since she's a princess. She glides up the stairs to seat herself to the right of her father. Prince Ronan sits to King Alfor's left, his daughter Romelle to the left of him. 

Lance steps up to the steps and takes a knee with a bow, throwing his coat back to keep from kneeling on the hem. Hunk does the same, though far less elegant due to his massive size. Lance keeps his head bowed in respect until the King gives him permission to rise. 

"Greetings, Captain McClain. You and your First Mate may rise up." Alfor commands gently. Lance rises with the grace of a lion. Hunk rises as gracefully as he can but he gets flustered easily when eyes are on him, so he's clumsier than usual when he does. Poor guy. 

"It is a wonder you have returned so soon Captain, may I ask why?" The King asks, though Lance doesn't actually have a choice in the matter. Lance fights to keep a scowl off his face. 

"Forgive me your Majesty. My ship was ambushed by the Dragon's Fire, and was badly damaged. I only just recovered from the magic it took to keep us afloat myself." Lance says with as straight a face as possible. Allura stares at him with barely contained shock, only visible through her eyes and only known by those who know her well. 

"I'm sorry to hear that Captain. Did they take anything of value?" The King inquires, but Lance knows what he really wants to know. He wants to know if the Olkarion cargo was taken. 

"No your Majesty, just some supplies. We had to come back to port to restock and prepare for another encounter should it come." Lance says. King Alfor leans back in satisfaction. Prince Ronan is the one to speak up next. 

"Forgive me your Majesty, but may I ask something of the Captain?" Ronan inquires. Alfor waves his hand in permission. Prince Ronan stands up, a man as tall as Hunk but not so broad. His hair has grayed at the roots of his dirty blonde hair. His brown eyes sharp and piercing into Lance. 

"Captain McClain, might I ask why you were not prepared for an ambush by the Dragon's Fire when you left us last?" The Prince asks. His question sends the court into a whispering mass. Lance fights his snarl at the accusation that Lance was weak. Which is exactly what the Prince has implied. 

He replies calmly if not sharply. 

"The Dragon's Fire has not operated in Altean waters before, which we were still in when the ambush began. My crew and I were expecting to dock in the outlying islands for more supplies." Lance begins. The Prince tries to say something else but Lance cuts him off before he can. "Captain Kogane is a pirate for the Empire, he only ever operates in Daibazal controlled waters, such as Daibazal, Balmera Islands, and the waters between Balmera and Olkarion. For him to venture so far into Altean territory is against even his Emperor's wishes."

"Thank you for clearing that up Captain." King Alfor says, rubbing his fingers over his signet ring. Obviously seeing his chance to speak has been cut short, Prince Ronan takes his seat with a glare at Lance. He's never liked Lance, made most obvious in this conversation. "What, pray tell, is your plan to rectify this Captain?"

Lance looks the King in the eyes. 

"If you allow it your Majesty, I believe we can capture the Pirate Captain Kogane, better known as the Dragon." Lance says. There's another wave of whispering through the court. King Alfor quiets them with a wave of his hand, and then Ronan stands out of turn. 

"You think you can best the Dragon? The same one who has not only beaten you once but three times? Unlikely." Ronan says. King Alfor takes on an almost murderous look.

"Enough! Sit down Prince Ronan." King Alfor commands. Ronan sits with a scowl. "Now Captain, Ronan does have a point. What plan do you have to best the Dragon?" 

Lance smiles wickedly. "Oh my dear King, a good Pirate never reveals their secrets." King Alfor chuckles lowly, inciting the court to follow his example. 

"So if a good pirate doesn't reveal their secrets," Ronan says, silencing the room as he speaks out of turn once again. "Then why bother catching the Dragon if he won't talk?" 

A wave of whispers follow his words, but the King waves for Lance to speak. 

"Because. A good pirate also knows how to extract information from their target. And lucky for you I know my target very well." Lance says with a small purr at the end. He does it on purpose to make the court think he and Kogane have spent a night together. Allura fights a smile because she knows the truth, but Lance has a reputation for being promiscuous. 

He has to keep them believing that if he wants to keep people from trying to set him and Allura up for marriage. It's actually happened before. With the two of them being so close of friends, people like to expect that there's more to it, which would then be ammo against her reign as Queen. 

"As you say then Captain," King Alfor says. "I give you permission to hunt down and capture the Dragon. Just be sure it's you who comes out victorious this time." He warns. Lance bows low. 

"Of course your Majesty, and don't worry, my plan will work." Lance assures. 

"Dismissed then. Daughter, do escort Captain McClain from the castle." Alfor says. Allura stands gracefully from her seat and glides down the steps. When she comes to Lance's side she turns and curtsies low once more for a longer amount of time. 

"As you wish father." Allura says, still curtsied, before standing gracefully and leading the way out of the throne room. They walk in silence until the door closes behind them, and Lance speeds up to match with Allura's stride. 

"You don't have a plan do you?" Allura asks. Lance smiles widely. 

"Not a bit."

******

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