Seventy Two Hours of Bliss Ch. 35/41
Chapter 35: The Road Ahead
Chapter Warnings: Explicitly mature content, 18+ only, Fingering, unprotected PiV, (play safe ya'll) mention of past self harm (There is help for self-harm, Text CONNECT to 741741 ), angst, possessive sex,
Series Masterlist
Series Summary:
You are neighbors with Austin Butler on the Gold Coast of Australia just prior to shooting Elvis. You become just friends because he is taken. However, after he is single again, you both find out just how attracted you are to one another and things get unrelentingly hot.
SERIES WARNING: Explicitly mature content, 18+ only, here there be lemons.
Authors Notes: I started writing this while remodeling my kitchen, so that informed the slightly quirky narrative. It starts slow, but once it heats up, it is on fire. I have tried to pull facts from RL as much as I could, but obviously there are some assumptions and flat out dreamy wishes involved here.
Chapter 35: The Road Ahead
Late one night in the beginning of July, you are lying in bed unable to sleep. Austin is conked out next to you, he looks like an angel, breathing softly in the light of your phone. You habitually pull up your email. The top email is from the US Antarctic program. You are suddenly terrified to open it. You toss your phone to the foot of the bed like it’s on fire.
Shit, it’s here. The thing you have been dreaming of and yet dreading in the back of your mind is actually here. One long held, life-affirming dream potentially lying in wait at the foot of the bed, another fresh, new, love-affirming dream lying next to you. What if you have to choose between them? You aren't ready to confront a choice like this.
What if Antarctica doesn't want you and you never end up going. One dream crushed. The other is still here, asleep next to you.
But what if they do want you. You HAVE to go. This, plus renovating Tom and Rita’s in Greece, will complete your 7 continents. You wouldn't forgive yourself if you give up on your ‘every continent’ goal. It's the one thing that kept you going after facing death, after being broken mind, body, heart and soul. You just can’t, not for anyone, not even for Austin. But if you go, what will happen between you? Will he still want you, will you still want him? What if absence makes the heart grow forgetful instead of fonder. You push those thoughts away viciously, your heart rate increasing.
Oh my god, you don't know how to feel right now, strong opposing emotions stretch your capacity to think rationally. You swirl perilously close to that blank place of apathy. Thought patterns and emotions you thought you had dealt with, re-surfacing after so many years. The place you fell into when he left while you were still in your hospital bed. That place you went when you were torn apart physically, mentally and that fucker left your heart and self esteem in tatters. The place of neutral feelings, everything gray and bland. The place where bright streaks of red welling up on your arms weren't cause for alarm, just a way of feeling something, anything. The place where living and dying were all the same.
'Fuck no you don't!' She screams inside your head, color and knife edge emotions brought back into sharp focus, 'We are NOT doing that again! Austin isn't him. He would never do that to you!'
You roll over and huddle into the angel's chest, hiding from what may be on your phone. Your breath is shallow and shaky. FUCK! Why can’t you just stay in the now. The literal right now, in your little Austin bubble where he is yours (and Elvis’) all day, every day. What if all this between you is just because it’s convenient? What if absence makes him simply forget you exist? What if someone else, swoops in and takes him away from you while you are gone? You try in vain to take in big, long breaths, attempting to shove those dangerous thoughts out of your head.
'Shut the fuck up bullshit inadequacy!" She is so much more than just a sex-driven demon.
You start trembling, clinging to him, hoping it’ll stop before he wakes up. Damnit, you know better than to get yourself worked up. Fucking anxiety attack.
‘When the hell did you become THIS girl?’ you ask yourself, ‘Antarctica is your dream!"
‘When you fucking fell in love with that sexy boy right there,” she states, "when you let yourself finally become vulnerable to someone else."
Woken by your movement and the breath across his skin, Austin folds you in his arms.
This only manages to make you shake more. Knowing you aren't actually alone here is like permission to let all that has been running around your head leak out.
“Hey, Kitten,” his voice gravelly with sleep.” hey, what’s wrong? I’m here baby, it’s ok. Shhhh,”
His immediate concern shifts your anxiety into tears. Damnit.
“Wanna talk about it, Kitten?” he asks, concerned and rubbing your back, ”was it a bad dream.”
“No baby,” you sob, “it’s this dream…It’s too good…..what if it doesn’t ….” you whimper into his chest, tears wetting his skin.
“What are you talking about, sweetheart?” he pets your hair soothingly.
“What if you forget …And someone else,” you are practically hyperventilating and unable to finish your sentences through your sobs, ”So in love ... how can I … will you want...... how can I face mys- … fuck… why am I so… fuck!" tears stream down your face.
“Shhhh, Kitten, darling,” he doesn't try to understand, he just holds you close, kissing your forehead, “I love you baby, just breathe.”
Gradually you get your breathing under control and your heart beat slows as the anxiety runs it's course. He sits up, leaning against the headboard, taking you with him. He turns on the bedside lamp, hands you the bottle of water he keeps there and a tissue.
You blow your nose, feeling a little foolish, and sip the water.
“Are you ready to tell me what is going on?” he asks as you hand the bottle back to him.
"I'm so sorry baby, fucking anxiety," head hanging and your hand covering your face, feeling a little ashamed.
"Whoa, sweetie," he gently removes your hand and holds it in his rubbing his thumb along the back. He tips your chin up to look at him, "there is nothing to be sorry for. I am here for you my love, no matter what."
His loving gaze melts you. You take a deep breath, then another. You nod and reach for your phone.
“I haven’t read it yet to see what it says, but I got an email from the Antarctica people and um… all my anxiety just exploded.”
“Why anxiety hunny? I thought that would be exciting for you,” he frowns a little, "it's what you've been waiting for."
“Well, what if they said no, there goes my dream of all 7 continents, but what if they said yes… and I... I leave,” your voice gets shaky again and words tumble out as if they will never be said unless you say them quickly. “What if you forget all about me and I never see you again. And why the fuck am I being so insecure? But how can I not go, it’s my dream and yes, so exciting and I don’t want to lose you, but… I mean I would never ask or expect you to give up your career and dreams to follow me around the world carrying boxes...“
Austin places one hand on your cheek, arresting your freight train of thought. “Oh baby, we knew this was coming, and yeah it's a daunting now that it's here, but I would never ask you to give up on those dreams for any reason. It’s another one of those things that makes me love you," his other hand frames your face, his eyes boring into yours, "Did you hear that? I. Love. You. Forgetting you is simply not possible. Do you think I hand out custom butt plugs to everyone I’ve dated? No. You are so unique and such an amazing human. And no, I wouldn’t give up my dreams, but I would follow you anywhere and carry anything for you. So instead of what-if-ing, let's see what they actually said,” his deep voice has a calming effect on your nerves.
You open the phone, then shove it over to him, “You read it, I’m too nervous.”
He nods, licking his lips. He is nervous too. He scans the email.
“They want you baby,” he smiles up at you.
“What?!” you snatch the phone from him. The email says you are the primary applicant for the Antarctica position you interviewed for last February. They want you on the winfly to prep the station for the austral summer influx. Your contract would run until February with an option for longer should you choose. Because of quarantine procedures and mandatory training you will have to leave in two weeks. They want an answer in 48 hours.
“Oh fuck, two weeks, I thought I’d have longer than that.” You look up at him with tears threatening. You don’t even know how to feel; elated? sad? scared? “Should I tell them yes?” you ask, all nerves.
“Um, you had better! You would never forgive yourself or me if you didn’t,” he knows you so well.
“Fuck, you are right. I would end up so pissed if I told them no," you realize that saying no for him would drive an inevitable wedge between you, "I guess I’m going to Antarctica!” the excitement starts to seep into the cracks left behind by the anxiety.
“I’m so excited for you! You are gonna crush it!” he grabs your face and plants a kiss on your lips, then pulls you close for a hug.
“I’m going to miss you so much though babe,” you say into his chest.
“Kitten, it’s not even a year, we can handle that. Besides, in this day and age, it’s nothing. I’ll call you all the time,” he tries to reassure you.
You pull away from him, forehead crinkled and look him dead in the eye.
“Oh, Austin, there is no cell service there. They barely have internet. That’s why I’m scared you’ll …. “ you let your sentence fade off. It’s stupid, the idea he’ll forget you, but the fear of losing him is bigger than you ever wanted it to be. This is why you have not gotten involved with anyone for so long. Fear of losing... again.
“Ok then, we will do it old school and I’ll write you letters,” he smiles, undeterred, “and if they don’t have mail I’ll use a carrier penguin.”
This makes you crack a smile.
“Kitten, something you may not have realized about me, when I fall in love, I do it hard. And nothing and no one is going to change how I feel about you,” his hands are cradling your face, thumbs wiping away stray tears, “got it baby?”
You just nod, holding his hand to your cheek.
He kisses you lovingly and sweetly, then deeper more passionate but still tender. He pushes you onto your back, rolling on top of you. His weight comforting as his tongue gently explores your mouth. He kisses you until all the anxiety is washed away, replaced with pure undiluted Austin.
“Do you want me, Kitten?” he whispers, pressing his stiff cock against your thigh, ”can I make love to you?”
“Please yes,” you whisper back, legs spreading to make room for his hips. His mouth is on your neck, kissing and gently sucking as his hardness finds its way inside you, filling you. It feels so blissfully good. He moves in you in this sweet, gentle way. He is unhurried. Each instroke is strangely soothing to your soul. Things have been so surreal in the world, but this, this moment, is as real as it gets.
In the morning, you get an appointment with your therapist. You hadn’t needed a session in a while. She is, luckily, available because of the time difference. You give her the rundown of the situation and how those self-destructive thoughts surfaced again.
She talks about how something so traumatic never really leaves you, and it’s normal that they arise from time to time, triggered by similar strong emotions. You talk about Austin, about how deeply in love you are with him, how you are afraid of losing him, all the things he did and said when you were having your breakdown.
“You have come so far from the girl who first told me she would rather die than fall in love again. He sounds like a good one. Have you told him about what happened?” She asks.
“Not exactly, he knows I was in an accident, he knows I was engaged. But not the whole story, it’s just not come up,” you say.
“You should tell him, give him some context for your fears,” she suggests.
You nod, she has a point.
After you end the session, you and Austin facetime to your Uncle Roy. He agrees to let Austin stay in the apartment rent free.
“I like that there is someone there during the pandemic” Uncle Roy says, “plus Austin is like family now.” Just as he says that, Marissa walks in.
“Daddy, can I borrow the…” she looks at the screen, “Why are you watching an interview with Austin Butler?”
Oh shit.
You whisper, ‘Marissa’ to Austin. He raises his eyebrows as if to say, ‘you ready for this?’
Well, here goes nothing!
“Hey Mar!” you pop your head into view.
“It’s your cousin and her boyfriend in the Aussie apartment, Mari Bear,” your uncle has no idea that the cat is out of the bag. He doesn’t even know there is a cat OR a bag.
Marissa just stares at the screen, mouth agape as Austin puts his arm around you so you can both fit into the phone screen.
“Wait, YOU’RE THE FRENCH WOMAN?! How the hell!!” She squeals, grabbing her phone.
“Put the phone DOWN Mari!” you say threateningly. Mari freezes. “Uncle Roy, thank you so much for being so cool about this, I need to talk with Mari girl to girl for a second.”
“You two and all your girl talk, since you were kids,” he waves his hand, shrugs and steps out of the room. You step away from Austin.
“Listen Mar,” you voice lowered conspiratorially, “we are not ready to go public with this so if you or anyone you know or that follows you even so much as hint that you know the identity of the ‘French woman’, anywhere online and I will 1. Never you let you meet Austin in person and 2. I will tell EVERYONE about what happened at the lake and I mean everyone.”
“You wouldn’t dare!” Mar gasps, looking around to make sure her dad isn’t near.
“Like hell I wouldn’t. That is how important this is to me, and yes, I still have the negatives,” you remind her.
“Okay, Okay! Well when you are out, can I have a big reveal for my channel?” She asks, trying to bargain.
“How about this, if you keep fucking quiet, we will set you up with his publicist and we will work something out.” you say, walking back to Austin, giving him a thumbs up.
“Holy fuck, I’m freaking out right now!” Mari exclaims as you lean up against Austin.
He gives her a little finger-tip wave.
“Hey Marissa, nice to meet you. Thanks for keeping this on the DL, for us. We really appreciate it,” he says in his interview voice, giving her a winning smile.
“Oh, of course Mr. Butler,” she is all flustered.
“It’s just Austin, but thank you,” he nods his head.
Once you get off the phone, you glance at Austin.
“You handled that well, what did you say to keep her quiet?” giving you a side eye.
“Well, I’ve been handling Mar our whole lives. I love her cuz she’s family, but she has trouble with boundaries. I have dirt on her that she doesn’t want out. And um… I told her we’d hook her channel up with your publicist when, and if, we are ready.”
“Hmm, alright, I’m not sure how she will feel about that, but we can talk,” he says.
“Yeah, oh fuck, I didn’t think, will your publicist follow her socials? I won’t be able to with no internet,” you ask.
I will call her later and we will talk about it,” he smiles at you.
For the next two weeks, any time not spent filling out forms and packing things either for storage or Antarctica is spent with Austin. He still studies Elvis every day, not wanting to lose his momentum. You try to find the right time to tell him more about what happened with your ex, but it never seems right. You cook together, watch some of your favorite movies, you take moonlight walks on the beach and the sex… oh my god the sex.
You have been trying out your hand at mixed drinks for the past several nights. Tonight is gin night. You have about a week until you leave. You are both on your way to being tipsy, having tried a Tom Collins then Negronis. You had just made two shaken gin martinis and clinked them together, feeling super fancy.
“I have a prezzie-prize for you babe,” you say, feeling goofy. You reach into your bag and pull out a post mailer. “I had the mail wrap it for you.” You giggle at your own joke and hand it to him.
“OH! A present! For me!!” he exclaims, being silly himself.
He tears open the package. It’s two pairs of Meundies boxer briefs. The first one has martini glasses with the words ‘extra dirty’ on them. Two little olives are cuddling in the glasses with a little heart over their heads. Yeah, you might’ve timed this with your drinks on purpose. He looks at the second pair and then at you.
“You didn’t” he says. You just nod with a huge grin on your face They are light blue and covered in unicorns with rainbow manes and tails, just like your favorite panties. He just laughs and hugs you to him. “I love them hunny."
He insists that you two go up to the rooftop with your drinks.
You grab blankets and toss your drinks into to-go cups with lids. There are no lights up there, just the ambient light of the city. He stands there looking out over the ocean, sipping his drink. You slip under his arm. It’s a little chilly, maybe 15C, the breeze from the ocean making it feel a little colder.
“I know I’m a little drunk, but I want the world to know that I love you, Kitten.” He kisses you softly, then holds his drink up and yells at the top of his lungs “I, Austin Butler, love this woman right here!”
A distant ‘good for you! Now shut up!’ bounces off the buildings.
You giggle as he sits on one of the lounge chairs, laughing. He draws you down on his lap, straddling him.
“I love you too, so much it kinda hurts,” you admit.
“Hurts? No, no baby,” he shakes his head, putting his drink down, ”I don’t want you to hurt, only feel good. Here let me kiss it and make it better.” He leans forward filling both his hands with your breasts and plants a kiss in the middle of your chest, on your heart.
Your fingers play in his hair as you lean down and breathe deep the scent of him in the cool night air. Filing it away in your memory as best you can.
“All your kisses make me better, darlin’,” you mutter, kissing the top of his head, feeling the gin seep into your brain.
He takes your cup and sets it down next to his. You wrap the blankets you brought around you both. He cradles your jaw and your lips meet. You moan against his closed mouth, inhibitions evaporating. You are both just a little clumsy from the alcohol, but the ‘whiskey kisses’ are divine.
“You are so hot Kitten. I had a dream the other day that I fucked you up here,” he murmurs against your lips, hand rubbing against your clothed crotch.
“You dream about me?” you had no idea.
“Oh yeah, all the time. Why do you think I wake you up with my cock so often. Damn, I’m gon’ miss that,” he presses his face to your breasts.
“Tell me your dream, baby,” you cradle his head against you.
“I was young Elvis,” he leans back looking into your neckr eyes, “and you were an adoring fan, sittin’ on my lap just like this, arms around me, only you had on a little skirt with nothing on under. The sun was sinking and you glowed as I slipped into you. And now I’m gonna slide into you right here,” he says, “make you a puddle in my lap.” His hands undo your bra under your shirt with only two tries. His lips and teeth are against you.
Your insides clench tight, juices starting to flow.
“I would be disappointed if you didn’t,” you say, rocking back and forth onto his swelling bulge. His hands slide into the waistband of your pants. You try to get your pants off of one leg. In your haste and clumsiness, you end up falling off his lap onto the grass, taking the blankets with you. You both start laughing.
He helps you up and you wiggle out of your pants. You straddle him again, re-settling the blankets around you both. His hand slips up your shirt to palm your breast in circles, watching your brow furrow in desire and your teeth capture your bottom lip. He gives you a naughty little grin and lifts your shirt over your tits. Gathering your breasts together with both hands, he licks your nipples. The cold air makes the flesh pucker. He pulls one into his mouth sucking hard, making you drop your head back and moan. Your hands curl up into his long hair, grasping him to you. His tongue is like fire licking your belly.
Your hands push between your bodies, unfastening his fly and reaching to pull him out. He helps, his big cock already stiff and upright.
“Do you see what you do to me, my beautiful Enchantress?” he motions to his cock, “Even tipsy as I am, I’m hard as hell for you.”
“What I do? Feel what you do to me,” you lift up to give him space to reach between your legs. “My god Austin, just the mention of putting that gorgeous cock in me, made my cunt drip in anticipation. I want you so desperately.”
He slips his dexterous digits between your folds.
“Oh fuck baby, you are one horny minx aren’t you,” the corners of his beautiful mouth curl up and his demon gazes up at you. He begins to curl his fingers, finding the spongy, rough section on your front wall.
You are shaking, not from cold, but from eagerness. You love him inside you; want him like this always; always inside you somehow; always wanting you. Your juices run in a runnel down his fingers and into his palm. Low moans flow from you.
“Oh my god,” you cry out, louder than you meant to.
“Now, now Kitten, Are you gonna be quiet for me?” he asks.
“No,” your tipsy self answers honestly with a little giggle.
"Well that guy," he points over his shoulder, "might yell at you."
"Fuck that guy," you shrug.
"No thanks, I'd rather fuck you." He pulls you into a passionate kiss. You grind your pussy into his hand.
Suddenly you are both overcome with desire.
“Get that cock in me,” your tone demanding against his lips.
He nods, holding himself by the base as you lift up. He positions himself at your opening and you grind down onto him in circles. Your moans mingle in your kiss.
The little pocket between you where his cock had been lying in wait, was chilly, despite all the blankets wrapped around you two. He feels cool inside you, so you can only imagine how warm you must feel to him.
“Oh yes,” he moans, the alcohol hindering his usual verbal restraint, ”take all that cock like a good girl.”
He feels so good inside you.
“Aw, I like being naughty though,” you retort, smiling at him and sliding up and back down onto him, wetness covering his cock.
“Who’s naughty Kitten are you then?” he asks, his voice deep.
“Well, let me see…” you joke, continuing to ride him.
He tightens his grip on your hips, stopping your movement.
“Who’s are you?” his eyes are suddenly serious and piercing. The tipsiness slows your brain just enough that you don’t see the insecurity in his face until he thrusts hard and deep into you, bringing your senses into sharp focus.
“Oh fuck,” is all you can say.
“Who’s dirty girl are you?” he asks, louder, thrusting again.
“I’m yours, baby,” looking into his eyes and finally seeing his seriousness.
“Who owns this dripping, hot, wet, pussy?” each descriptor punctuated by a hard thrust into you.
“Oh Fuck, you do!” it would hurt if you weren’t so fucking turned on.
“Who does?” he asks
“You do Austin. It’s your pussy.”
“That’s right,” his voice is raspy, as he pulls your hair out of your face, “You are MY naughty little Kitten. My dirty girl. All Mine!”
“All yours baby,“ you say, rocking him in and out of you, “All yours to finger, to suck and lick, all yours to pound, yours to play with.”
You press yourself close to his chest, pulling blankets up and around you both again. “Please, please don’t stop fucking me.”
“Never,” he says through clenched teeth.
His hands grips your legs, his hips raising and lowering his cock in and out of you. Your hand is braced behind his neck, forehead to forehead. He is steadily fucking you.
“Oh god, I love it, I love that,” you moan in his ear, unable to stop words spilling out your mouth.
Your knees are sliding wider and wider apart, wanting him deep, wanting him to slam into your clit with each thrust.
“Your pussy, your pussy, your pussy”, flows out your mouth.
You are so close to the breech, mouth open. He can tell you are close so he quickens his pace. Your top teeth sink into the fleshy part of his shoulder, pussy clenching down.
“Oh Kitten, my dirty girl, I love fucking you,” his voice husky and low. His hips jerking roughly into you.
“Oh god, yeeeeessss,” you scream, arching back, his words triggering pelvic spasms around the stiff rod he is torturing you with. A closed-mouth high-pitched wail sounds out your nose as you gyrate on his cock through an orgasm.
Even if you wanted to, you can’t stop your hips from moving, jerking, grinding onto him.
“You’re so fucking perfect baby, cumming on my cock like that. God damn,” even through your orgasm you recognize the deep desire in his voice.
He lifts you off of him.
“Nononono don’t stop” you whine.
“Never, baby,” he slides his legs to either side as he pushes you back to lie on the foot of the lounge, the blankets behind you. You don’t even feel the cold. Your legs are up by his shoulders, throbbing pussy exposed and open to him.
“Do you want my cum?” he asks, his voice harsh with desire, his fingers flicking across your clit.
“Yes, yes, yes,” is your breathy reply,
“Say it, Kitten. Do you want my cum?” he asks again, placing the tip of his glorious self at your opening.
“Fuck yes I want your cum Austin, please, I need your cock in me, fuck me please” you beg, your filter totally gone. “Please give me all your cum right here,” you tap out little slaps on your pussy.
With you so lascivious under him, so lustful with need, he can’t hold back. With a groan, he immerses himself in you. Immediately charging towards his own orgasm with fervor, hands on your shoulders, pulling you towards him.
“Oh God, fuck, you make me cum so good! You make me cum so good! You make me cum so good!” your strings of words getting higher in pitch, on the brink of cumming against his onslaught. His hands slide to either side of your head. Forcing you to look at him.
“Who’s pussy’s gonna cum?” he says through gritted teeth. His head is still, but his hips are pitching into you with such force, only his hands on your head keep the vision of him from being a total blur.
“Your pussy, baby, yours. You fuck your pussy so good, so good, so good, so fucking good.” Like a deluge of water dropping on you all at once, another orgasm slams into you, making you writhe under him, teeth imprinting onto his hand to muzzle the sound of your screaming.
“That’s my girl. Cream that cock, dirty girl, fuck you feel so good,” he moans. Crest after crest of your orgasm seizes his cock, bringing him closer to baptizing you in his cum.
“Who’s dirty girl are you?” he urges, wanting to possess you.
“I’m your d-d-d-d-dirty girl, I’m your dirty girl,” you stutter and moan out as you ride the wave of shivering pleasure. “Give me your cum. I want it, I want it in me!”
“It’s yours baby, it’s your cum, only for you Kitten,” he is pounding you hard, fast, head tucked down into your neck and shoulder. "Oh Fuuuuuck, yessss!” hisses out of him as he pushes deep and fills your pussy. “Oh Gawawawad!” his whole body seizes on top of you.
Your arms and legs clutch him to you. You are overwhelmed with emotion, everything you’ve been holding back about leaving welling up with your enormous orgasm.
He sits back in the lounge chair and pulls you and the blankets against him. You don’t realize it at the time, but his deep shaky breaths are hiding his own emotional overwhelm.
After a while, how long you can’t say as time feels fake, you are curled up against Austin half naked, both of you calmer and somewhat less drunk.
“Are you awake Kitten?” he ventures quietly and a bit nervously.
“Yeah,” you answer, sensing something is off, “you ok?”
“I, uh, I need to say something and um… I don’t want you to take it wrong,” he begins.
You sit up in his lap to look him in the face, suddenly terrified of what he is going to say.
“If you are breaking up with me…” your mind falls to the worst thing you can think of at that moment.
“What? NO! No, no!” he interrupts you, a look of horror on his face as he grips your outstretched hands.
“Jesus,” your eyes close and you breathe a sigh, “what is wrong with me?” you mutter to yourself. You know what is wrong, it's time to tell him.
“Oh babe,” he cups your check, “there is nothing wrong with you or with us. I just need to…” He hesitates.” Ok, there is a part of me that is so excited for you to live your dream. But there is also a chunk of me that doesn’t want you to go,” his forehead creases and furrows as he admits this to you. “And to be clear, I’m not asking you to give it up, I just need to be honest and present with my feelings. I know it’s a scary pandemic world right now, but I wouldn’t trade this time with you for anything. I’ve fallen so hard for you, I don’t know how I’m gonna do this without you. And what if you meet someone else? I know it’s stupid but you’ll be down there so far away and I can’t call. That's why the possessive stuff during... “ he bites his lip. ”What if… I have this weird fear that what if what we are feeling for each other doesn't translate to being apart? What if we can’t do this?"
You reach up, smoothing his forehead with your thumb. You hadn't realize he was feeling insecure too.
“Same baby,” you say simply, “on all accounts. I am excited AND I don’t want to leave. I’m also terrified that you will find someone else in the months that I am gone, I mean you are a sexy heartthrob of a man in the public eye, women and men must fall at your feet. I’m not sure how I’m going to cope without you either. I’m just hoping that we will both be so busy we won’t have time to dwell on it. And, I like being your dirty girl." you smile.
"Listen Baby, I need to tell you this, just so you have some context," you take a deep breath and forge ahead, "Do you remember I told you about the guy I used to flip houses with,” Austin nods, his face intent with listening. “Well, we were engaged when I had my accident and when he found out that I couldn't have kids, he came to the hospital the next day and broke it off. He said he didn’t want to drag it out, but that kids were the priority for him and he didn't want to waste any time finding the real mother of his children."
Austin looks appalled by this. You just nod.
"I was crushed, I was nothing but a baby factory in his eyes. By the time I was out of the hospital, he had moved out of our apartment, divided our holdings in half and left with no forwarding address or number. IHis family wouldn't take my calls. I didn’t get the chance to have any closure. I slipped into a deep depression, feeling no self worth. I started cutting myself just to feel something, anything. "
"Oh baby," Austin strokes your hands, empathy and concern on his face.
" Yeah, it was bad. I had a lot of therapy and meds. I slowly realized the gift of getting away from him, he would have never loved me for me. The continent thing was born when I started my own remodeling business, initially as a way to get away from that past. It grew into a passion. This dream has healed me in so many ways. I became an independent, curious, educated citizen of the world again. It allowed me to meet you. I didn't think I’d ever let anyone this close to me again, but with you it was so damn easy I didn’t have to think twice.
“So yeah, I am afraid of losing you and I’m sorry I let my insecurity jump to conclusions. Will our relationship stand being apart? Babe, there is only one way to find out and it’s walking towards our fears.”
He nods again. You take another breath, and grab both his hands.
“I do know this: I’ve been ‘around’,” you admit, “ I’ve dated a fair number of people, and, honestly I’ve slept with a fair few more. Not one of them holds a candle to you, to how you make me feel, the things you do to me. I have never before found what we have right here,” you move your clasped hands up to each of your hearts. “I had given up on trying to find someone, until you. I am in awe of you Austin Butler and it blows me away that you consent to be with me.”
“Consent? Kitten, I WANT to be with you. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me all that, especially the cutting, that can be hard to share. I see why you responded the way you did, it makes a lot of sense. You have been through so much, seen so much of the world and have done it with grace and kindness and strength. You are amazing and brave and so fucking sexy. I will state for the record that I don’t care if you can’t have kids. I want YOU, just as you are. You bring parts of me out that I didn’t know I had and I can’t keep my hands off you. I’m not going to deny the ego boost of getting that kind of attention from the public but at the end of the day it’s not fulfilling. It’s not THIS, “ he grips your hands back, “I am astonished that YOU are willing to be with ME, and I just want to be enough for you.”
“We are a pair, aren’t we,” you chuckle, shaking your head, “here we are worried about the same things, and each of us feeling insecure about not being good enough for the other, yet so over the moon about one another.”
“Well when you put it that way….yeah, “ he smiles, “I think we need to tell our insecurities to shut the fuck up and agree that we are more than enough. See through love’s eyes, instead of fear’s.”
“One hundred percent agree,” you smile at him, “and however we end up communicating over the next 7 months, let’s just be as honest as we can with each other. I mean if we decide it isn’t working, I’d rather not be delusional.”
“I don’t like to think about that, but I’d much rather be honest, so yeah,” he nods his head.
“And,” you put your forehead to his, “I will make this promise to you: once Antarctica is over and I finish Tom and Rita’s, if you still want me, I will follow you to the ends of the earth.”
“Take out the insecure ‘if you still want me’ part and it’s a deal,” he smiles at you.
“OK,” you breathe, starting over, “once Antarctica is over and I finish in Greece, I promise I will follow you to the ends of the earth.”
“Not unless I follow you first babe,” he pulls you into a sweet kiss, hand on your chin.
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