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At one hand i know.... Me expecting nothing of other people is helpful for me, I also wish I didn't do it.... Like I can't ever be sure about how peo feel about me. I think of people as friends after 10 conversations, but I never call someone else my friend until they call me that. Because I'm worried they don't actually see me as that/don't care much about me....
#miranda talking shit#This and thinking everyone i know will leave me are two sad mindsets i have unintentionally.#They protect me by... Never being as hurt when things happen but its such an sad and isolated thing. Ive never truly genuinely thought#Someone might like me? Romantically and just platonically. Even if i like them that way i never hope or assume they do too. I mean i hope#But its more in an... Dream kind of way. Not hope realistically.... And its... Sad. Like when my ex broke up with me and left me i was#Obviously sad but i also was so...numb about it bc i had been seriously thinking for months that she would break up with me#Ive had friends come to me breaking down about their friends growing distant/potentially losing friends and i... I feel their fear but its#I see it so coldly when it comes to myself. Fabian was crying about roo being too busy for us and how hes been seen less and i... I didnt#Know how to explain hpw i had been assuming he would since 2016 when i met him? I am sad about losing people but i have#Noticed since i was 15 and i got dumped i apperantly... Have that view and expectations in my head about everyone. I think my mind#Have done that to protect me bc i care so much and if i get too attached and expect too much... Id die. But it feels shady of me#Im supposed to be so loving and caring and feeling and yet i... Expect everyone i love to leave me. I dont actively think about it but its#In the back of mt head. I can give everything to people i love and trust them with my life and other things if they wanted it#Yet i cant trust them... To love me? To stay? To not abandon me? Its... Really depressing
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