#LMAO it was so bad I thought I fucked up a trig question (proving) so I ended up crying during the exam itself but finished it correctly

[kozumesphone]

math final’s done today 😔

the fact that i’m never ever gonna study math EVER again is making me feel so depressed akdkwkjskw

[doctorpariahdax]

Yo, college peeps, this is important.

If you’re anything like me, which you are, because everyone exists in some level on a scale of mediocrity and average-ness....you need to know how important it is to 1) TALK 2) Turn in Everything 3) Be nice to yourself. 1) If something goes wrong with your grade, if you’re upset by what you don’t/do know, talk to your fellow students, talk to the TA’s, talk to your RHA board, talk to your professor....Literally 9/10 people will be EXTREMELY HELPFUL because they care about what you’re going through/are sympathetic...that 1/10 times you just need to bug the fuck out of them, especially if they’re your advisors and professors. It’s their damn job. I can’t stress how important it is to just /TALK/ when you get to college. And yes - I am exceedingly introverted. I can’t stress that enough on it’s own, haha, but really don’t give up, if you need information and you haven’t gotten it yet = KEEP TALKING. GET ANSWERS.  Ex: I realized after turning in a paper on Islamic history I did a major fuck up and wrote about how Rumi critiqued the Mevelviyye Brotherhood on their concepts of Fana and Baqa .....ie I wrote a paper about a guy critiquing the school of thought that he influenced and none of the points I gave were right...it all came down to me having Rumi on the mind and not saying the Qadariyya instead of Mevelviyye....I am a bundle of anxiety slowly collapsing in on myself like a dying star so I sat for the whole weekend waiting for the professor to get back from Europe for a conference he was at after having elaborately designed a plea for re-evaluation because I used the wrong words....I went to class, talked to him after, and my speech was shattered by my own immediate instinct to cry....Which did happen. But even an amazing internationally acclaimed specialist in his field remembers what it was like going through school, making mistakes, hell his whole career was and is still built off of learning to correct past mistakes and talk about why he made them....Your professors will be sympathetic, they’re in a lot of ways going through the same shit you are.

2) Referencing the intro to this rant, you’re mediocre, everyone is in some way. Now whether that’s you getting C’s or an A-, something won’t go your way at some point. But even when you have a C it’s still worth turning in your homework in so many more ways than it is when you’re getting an easy A. Ex: I plan on taking about 3-4 classes over again because that’s how many C’s I have on my transcript - now this is a  standard for me, I am not saying you need to precisely extrapolate this, but if you can relate, that’s all I’m trying to give you...a relation. So!  I intend to take these classes over again, half of them are classes where it’s a flat out admission to myself that I could have tried harder but shit happens and I stopped caring. Circumstances suck, yes, but it was on me. But those other classes are classes I struggled in. REALLY STRUGGLED. I am not accustomed to that academically (don’t get me started socially, that’s a whole other ball game, that of which I have never trained for), from k-12 I was basically a 4.0 honors student, am an IB graduate with an AP scholar award under my belt....but I didn’t know how to study. I’m 3 years into college and I’m s till figuring that shit out, and I’ll always be figuring out new ways to improve....just like when I have a C, and I still turn in that homework.....Grades are not a reflection of your intelligence or what you learned in that class, it’s a measure of what you felt comfortable with showing and proving on a test with select questions from the course. What is a measure of your intelligence and what you learn in that class is what you put into it. You will feel better about yourself if you at least try, and that’s all you should know to care about, that even though you struggled, you still put in the work. 3) And this goes in with the paragraph directly above ^ be nice to yourself, you deserve it. Everyone deserve it.  As mentioned I have crippling anxiety and a poor sense of regulating my nearly nonexistent self esteem and the horrible chemistry they create is truly awe-inspiring; that being said, if you try - you are not a failure. If you do fail a course, a week, a semester, a year, you are not a failure.  I think the best pieces of advice I have had concerning this was from a calendar and my 1080 math professor:  “Failure is not the falling down, but the staying down.”,  “You’re not a failure, and you’re not disappointing me; everyone gets to use the ‘24 hour rule’; you’re supposed to feel bad, you’re allowed to feel bad for 24 hours, but then you need to recognize you’re better than these feelings, and for the 24 hours after that you need to think about what you can do to make sure you try your best to never find an excuse to have the first 24 hours again.” Lengthy bit of a speech but he spoke quickly so it was like a welcomed slap in the face motivationally haha. Ex: again, in reference to #2. I have bad grades. And yes, it sends me into shock and whirling chaotic vortex of disapproval and self loathing....but the classes that I have C’s in....namely that 1080 math class, which for my university is not a ‘high’ math class....it’s trig, precalc, and calc rolled into about 15 weeks and it’s a nightmare for someone like me who hasn’t taken math in about 3 years and just sorta slid under the radar in highschool with math. But in that 1080 class I got a C, had it since day one. And I will retake it again.....but I took that class to learn. It wasn’t a part of my major. I wanted to take it. I wanted to be challenged. I wanted to learn. I’ve always enjoyed math but I know I’m not quick with it (stats is another story, mostly because to me it’s not math it’s like reading a regular book, it makes sense and I don’t have to prove anything lmao).  But it’s that class that I got a C in. That class that I struggled in. That class where I did bring myself to at least try to turn in all the homework. That class where I talked to my professor and another student almost on a daily basis with how stupid I felt, what I was struggling with etc. It’s because I struggled in that class that it’s literally The most proud I have ever been of myself in college thusfar. I know what went into me getting that C. I worked hard for that C. I worked hard to try and get an A even though I knew the chances were very unlikely. I did well on the quizzes and assignments - 100% in fact, but sometimes there are circumstances that you can’t get over (I talked to the CDA people about disabilities and testing accomodations and it might not look like it helped a lot but I can give a testament that it DID) And yeah, the grade sucks, but I know I don’t....and you don’t. Be nicer to yourself. Everything you struggle with means a fuck ton more than what comes easy, don’t get mad when you keep trying and get a bad outcome. Admire yourself.