#LifeIsLongAndShort

[amuelle]

Hell is a place on earth....

Inner me: You better not cry…don’t you dare fucking cry! This is not the moment for you to be a pussy. DON’T BE A FUCKING PUSSY, DON’T FUCKING CRY!!!!!

Next thing I knew I was tasting tears and struggling to speak. I couldn’t breathe but what I wanted to say was more important than breathing at that moment. They needed to know that I was grateful for the job but I wasn’t sorry. This wasn’t the way I had imagined my disciplinary hearing would go. I didn’t think I would snap or be so emotionally heightened. I knew from the day I got the suspension letter that I was out of a job, that didn’t matter. People were unfairly dismissed here all the time and it was my turn to taste the blade. What mattered was that my loyalty had been misplaced. I had toiled, spent late nights, missed my nieces school concerts and FOR WHAT???? I was being ousted such that I’d have to forego my benefits, benefits that I had earned through my sacrifices. Whatever past sacrifices I had made for the company meant nothing now that I was no longer needed.

Ask most black women what they think about crying at work and they will tell you that they avoid it at all costs. Most women would rather come to the office sick on the cusp of death rather than cry at work. Its frowned upon not because it makes the men uncomfortable but because other women will make you feel like it’s unprofessional. They will ridicule you privately and overtly because the stereotype is that hard working strong women don’t cry. For your feelings to surface at work, it’s just a thing. I can’t really explain it, it’s deeper than rap. If you see a black woman crying over work related issues know that she is either ready to get into a physical fight or she has reached her boiling point. The experience of being chastised for doing my job had brought me to my boiling point. I had spent a year and two months of my life here and all the emotions of it had come to a head and resulted in TEARS!

I used to work at a place where the owner of the company was everything wrong with the world.  The CEO encouraged back biting gossiping and was always lying and conniving. Bold face lies were the breakfast of champions and no one was beyond a tongue lashing. One minuet you were useless, lazy, taking up space in the office and doing nothing the next your contribution to the organisation was invaluable and you were appreciated. Shady business at its best. The CEO had found me unemployed and offered me more than I was making before. Blinded by my deep desire to start taking care of myself again, I took a chance and danced with the devil. Everyone that I encountered told me that The CEO was the worst person to work for and I shouldn’t take the job. There were other opportunities out there they said. They weren’t in my position and when you talk from a point of privilege you are usually naïve. Empty pockets can quieten even the loudest, well-reasoned advice.

It wasn’t a terrible job, I was more than well equipped to do the work and remotely enjoyed it. What I wasn’t ready for was the layered individuals who worked there. I always kept to myself. I only really got to know The Tea Lady and The Grounds Keepers, who were lovely human beings but I maintained my privacy.

In my first few months My Supervisor and The Receptionist (both female) would gossip about me so that I could hear. They were never secretive about how terrible they thought I was at the job and how I wasn’t going to last long. Later I would come to know that The Receptionist had been trying to get me fired because she had been stealing and My Supervisor had felt threatened by my presence and that’s why she had actively decided not to mentor me so they could watch as I got things wrong and got reprimanded by The CEO. It was all relative. They didn’t sign my cheques and that motivated me to be incredibly cold and all about the job. Long as I was doing what I was supposed to, meeting my deadlines and my department was running at the optimum level I really was convinced that there was nothing more to deal with.

The company was understaffed and on occasion I would have to do things outside my job description. As a Procurement Manager and Junior Quantity Surveyor I often went to site, counted stock, organised trips and prepared payment certificates. I did a lot. When The Financial Controller went on vacation for three weeks and there was no one else to take care of her duties I moved office and wore all three hats. I used to wake up extra early and leave extra late to be able to do 33% of all the three duties and I managed. At the same time The Receptionist was caught stealing and arrested so now that just added to the plate. I was the stereotypical strong woman in the work place who got things done. I didn’t complain or refuse to work. I just carried on hoping for help and fortunately it came.

My work life was a mess. It felt like I was being sabotaged. I’d get notified of site meetings thirty minutes before they happened be totally unprepared and ultimately embarrassed. Getting late night calls from people about the worsening condition of their houses was now my daily bread. Tongue lashings for not knowing that the information I was getting was incorrect. I was always responsible when things went bad but when they went well, the team did a great job. Once my confidence had settled I decided it was time for a raise. I couldn’t do 3 jobs, get yelled at thrice and get paid for a quarter of one job. The CEO didn’t agree. I got a raise but the final offer was shockingly less than what we had agreed. I was disappointed, heart broken and consoled myself with the logic that half a loaf is better than none at all. I had watched a number of hard working people be cheated out of money they had worked hard for. Why oh why did I think I would be absolved???  

The company started to experience incredible difficulties. My Supervisor resigned in the heart of the tender season and two more people were hired to work in Procurement and I thought it was looking up. Then The CEO fell out with his right hand. When the suspension letter came I knew it was because I had taken an instruction from The Right Hand. The Right Hand would never be fired, but me, little old me was EXPANDABLE. After receiving the letter I typed up a hand over report and packed up all my personal belongings. My safety boots and highlighters were not being left behind in this hellish place! It hurt to be kicked out at the same time it felt incredible to be free from a bad working environment. Hell is a place on earth when you are in a bad job.

The day of the hearing. I slicked my hair back, wore just enough eye makeup and got there in my best “there is nothing you can do to ruin my day” dress. The hearing had already been decided before we sat sown. Close colleagues who were there when the events transpired couldn’t speak up because regardless of what they believed, they still need to feed their families. The biggest betrayal came from a Gentleman I worked closely with who gave testimony that made me seem like I had knowingly put the company at risk. I won’t ever say I didn’t go against a direct order because I did, it’s just that the direct order was flawed. What’s right is always what’s RIGHT!

I’ve learnt that I am my own business. I am the way I take care of myself and should never compromise and make great sacrifices for a business that isn’t mine. It used to bring me joy to meet my targets and submit tender documents against the odds but all that meant nothing for my bottom line. I had dedicated so much of my life force but once a replacement was hired, trained I was thrown away. The same company that I allowed to take me away from my family now had no need for me. What a wake up call!

My advice to you at this very moment is to BE MORE SELFISH! Unless you work for an organisation that is rescuing people from burning buildings in real time, you need BOUNDARIES. You are not your job. Even if you have chosen to focus on your career, you are still expendable and they will never not replace you. Don’t give them your soul in return for peanuts and pats on the back. These people are making millions off your back while you get a “good” salary.

It doesn’t matter if you are a high performer. Self-preservation should be HIGH on your list of priorities. Even if you take care of your family and need the job they would still rather have you over the money. Don’t hold the blade so long that you normalise the pain. It’s not supposed to hurt! Look for a new job or start a side business once you see yourself giving too much of yourself away. Reserve some of your skill solely for your personal gain.  

Many of the people I knew at that company have left. I don’t know the current situation and I don’t really care. I got a call two months after leaving from one of my ex co-workers asking what I was up to, I know he had been sent to ask if I’d take my old job back.  I would have never done that. Even if I had nothing but my pride and I was out on the streets I wouldn’t have gone back. I will never again sign up to suffer, you shouldn’t either.  Life is long and short at the same time, try your best to actually enjoy it.

 Bisou…bisou