#LifeRededicatedToTheLord ImDifferent SomethingChanged ImFree JesusLovesME

[kileyking1985-blog]

I Wanna Be Different

Sometimes we find ourselves in the midst of storms; storms we just don’t seem to understand in our lives.  In the midst of all the storms, we often lift prayers up to Jesus and ask him to change those things, to stop those things, to prevent those things from happening.  I found myself doing exactly this; asking Jesus to just change and stop the things that were hurting me and tearing my life apart. When those things didn’t change, I found myself with a hardened heart and very angry with the Lord. Recently, I have realized that I was praying the wrong prayers.  I shouldn’t have been asking Jesus to change the things, I needed to be praying to God that he changed me so I could handle the storms, the things He wanted me to walk through.

Life has dealt me quite the hand these last few years.  I went through heart surgery, lost my biological father in an very tragic and emotional way for me, separation, finding myself and my son without a home of our own and very little money, still loving my husband and trying my best to salvage such a miserable marriage and finally just giving up, then the divorce-one of which I wasn’t ready for and felt extreme guilt because I couldn’t find an answer in the Bible for why the divorce was okay; I lost relationships with my step-children that I raised, I felt myself wondering if I was being the best mother I could be for my own small son, my career even took a beating for a short time, I felt lost and I certainly was. I always heard the saying, “Hurt people, hurt people” and that was something I had become a pro at. I also had this internal battle with the Lord. I was mad, angry, hurt; I had become a person even I didn’t recognize anymore. I tried many times to go back to church and find the healing I needed.  I of all people knew that healing was not something I would find on my own.  I knew I needed God to help me; but I was so brutally hurt and angry. I was upset with God for promising me so many wonderful things in this life, giving them to me, and taking them away. I felt like He had tricked me and let me fall.  In the midst of all my most recent storms, God would knock on my heart, but I wasn’t letting him in. I didn’t want any part of his false promises. As I write this, my heart breaks even thinking that I felt that way even for a short time. See I was raised Christian and was saved many years ago and I knew the truth; I was just in denial and shut God out. 

Two weeks ago, I found myself home alone with some time to really just relax for the first time in a long time. I turned on the t.v. because for at least that night, all I wanted to do was “Netflix” and chill. I don’t know how or why, but I came across a movie called Christian Mingle.  It was a story about a woman looking for love in all the wrong places.  She was dating all the wrong people and none of them represented anything her heart truly longed for. I could relate so well to that movie because I had been there and done that, especially recently. Once I was done watching the movie, I realized it was a message God was sending to me. You will find “the one” when you find Him (the Lord) first. It meant even more than that to me though.  I haven’t really desired to be in a true relationship with a man for a while now, but I was missing my relationship with Him (the Lord). I went to bed that night with that movie and Him on my mind.

The next day I had intentions of doing what any normal single Mom does on a Saturday; the dishes were piled up, the laundry overflowed, my toilets needed cleaning, I could almost see the dirt on the floors of my kitchen that needed to be swept, toys were flung from one end of the house to the other, but this Mom needed a break. Something in my heart said, “Slow down Mamma and go get yourself a mani-pedi.” Needless to say it didn’t take much convincing because an hour later I was basking in the aroma of fresh acetone with my feet in a piping hot bowl of water, enjoying the automatic massage chair at a nail salon I had never been to before. If you are a woman reading this, you know when you find a good nail tech, you don’t stray; but for some reason that day I did. After my pedicure was complete, I sat down to get my manicure. The woman sitting beside me sparked up a conversation about how she just got home from New York City because her father had been sick and almost lost his life. She was telling me how truly exhausted she was but how she couldn’t wait to return to her church the next day.  I must admit, I was thinking, “Well if I was that tired I wouldn’t worry about church, I would just sleep in.” But as our conversation continued, and she told me more about her personal story, I knew exactly why I was at that particular nail salon, on that particular day, at that particular time. God was again trying to speak to me. I was getting a little annoyed at how many times He was knocking on my heart that weekend but I was remarkably intrigued by this woman’s faith. When I was finished and was leaving the salon, this woman gave me a card with an invitation to attend her church. I mean I have had my own church that I had attended for years and loved, but the last five times I tried to attend I felt nothing during the sermons; my heart had been so closed I felt numb. I smiled and thanked her, and left the salon. As I walked next door to pick up the sushi I had ordered for dinner, I literally stopped and looked up and said this, “God I hear you. I get what you are trying to do. I will go to this church tomorrow, but you better make it good.” 

As I entered the church on Sunday morning, I walked in feeling like I was about to waste an hour of my life because I hadn’t felt God touch my heart in a long time. I have never been more wrong in my entire life.  The Pastor’s message was about Jesus healing a man with a withered hand. Jesus had called the man to come to him so he could heal his hand. Jesus called the man to open his hand and use it. This man could have doubted God, but he obeyed and the man was healed. I learned so many things that day during the service. I learned that as long as your are trying to conceal it, God is not going to heal it. You can do anything if you have the WILL to do it and you give it to God. I also learned that anger is actually biblical, and feeling anger is okay. What is not biblical is acting on that anger. The Lord certainly knows my own personal struggles with that one. Proverbs 28:14 says, “Happy is the man that fears the Lord, but he with a hardened heart, shall fall into mischief.” I had found myself not fearing the Lord anymore, but instead being completely angry with Him. See people who are aware of their disabilities are the ones who truly feel the real power of God. Disabilities come in many forms; drugs, alcohol, adultery, stealing, lying, physical or mental disabilities, sexual addiction, pornography, etc. Whatever we struggle with and keeps us from having a personal relationship with God, that is a disability. When we confess our disabilities to God, and invite God into our hearts for the healing, the disability loses its power over us. 

That church service and the message that was brought unraveled my skin. Until that morning I hadn’t went to the alter to pray in almost 5 years. I will be the first to admit that I was probably one of the biggest hypocrites you had ever met. I would pray and teach my young son about God, I would even attend church sometimes, but I myself wasn’t truly letting the Lord in. I knew God, I believed in Him and his power, but I was so upset with Him. The Pastor gave a call for people to come to the alter to pray if needed and I literally had no control over my own two legs getting up and walking to that alter in front of all these people I didn’t even know. The only way to explain that experience was me feeling like I saw a long lost loved one and I couldn’t run to them fast enough. I got to the alter and tears poured. I could feel the Lord’s presence in my heart for the first time in years and I knew He was with me. He was calling me to come to that alter, and His arms were open so wide. Chills ran down my body as I prayed and let it all go. Someone must have known the pain I was setting free because they came and laid a white cloak on me and prayed with me. It was a very heavy burden I set free to say the least. I apologize to whoever was in that service because the Pastor didn’t dismiss the congregation until I was done praying, and heaven knows I had a lot to pray for. I asked God for many things that day but the most important thing was asking him to forgive me for being angry with Him and shutting him out. I asked him to please come back into my life and for me to feel his presence more than I have ever felt in my life. I am not a crier by any means, but every single day since that day I can’t seem to stop the tears when I hear a certain Christian song or someone tells me their own personal story. The world also looks so different to me; it looks like a beautiful place to live and I see the good in everything. I got up from that alter a different woman, a happy woman, a woman who once again had a purpose. I also rose from that alter with a desire to grow my relationship with the Lord, and put my relationship with a man on hold until God puts the right one in my life and my faith is strong enough to be a good wife to a man.  

See people don’t come to know the Lord when they are trial and tribulation free. They come to know the Lord when they have hit rock bottom and allow their heart to feel His presence.  The moment someone comes to God and professes, “God, if you are real I am telling you I can’t do this alone. I need you God and I need you right now.” I don’t know why God called me so strongly that weekend, but I am so thankful He did; I am even more thankful that I was obedient. I never want to get back to the place I was without the Lord. It was a lonely, empty place where I didn’t even recognize myself. The Lord knew the perfect message that needed to be preached for my heart to let Him back in, and I heard Him loud and clear. I am not a perfect Christian, I sin just like you do (yes you the person reading this message), but I know I am a child of God and I have began a new journey to grow my relationship with Him. 

For the person reading this, know that the Lord is real and He loves you. He wants and desires a relationship with you. In order to feel His presence, you must let those walls down, drop the pride, and just start by praying. He will lead you but you must allow Him to do so. Figure out what your “disability” is, and give it to God. Give it all to Him, and be healed. You will never have a life better than the one you will have with God part of it. And remember, when you pray ask God to change YOU to be strong enough to handle the things He asks you to walk through. “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” I promise.