#MY EMOTIONS ARE SO CRAZY ABT IT RN I JUST WATCHED A VIDEO TALKING ABT IT

[zincbot]

crying sobbing missing rottmnt

[friiday-thirteenth]

watching the water horse rn and uh. feelings.

Angus was perfectly willing to just. run away with crusoe. leave everything behind for him? and uh. that's better than any love scene ever thank u very much I would die for small scottish lad and giant water horse

also?? it was so emotional? like jfc if crusoe had died I'd have cried bc wtf why would u kill him? and they didnt, they let him escape and that s c e n e where he just. jumped onto the bet and fuvking pulled it down was so happy? like it was set in the dark and rain but it was so happy and then they showed crusoe leaving and svevdgsga h a p p i n e s s

and then even tho I knew it was gonna happen, the guy telling the story was like, hi my names Angus, and then the movie ended and uh. y e s.

also this movie us special to me bc it came in a two dvd set with sharkboy and lavagirl which was coincidentally my favourite movie ever and uh. alm edgy theories abt it can die <3 but also I watched the water horse and a kid and was very sad

also that reminds me of the velveteen rabbit which was a t r i p. like. I cannot remember anything from it (also that one scene in sharkboy and lavagirl where they try to hold hands and cant so they link pinkies? I still remember that (and every other detail of that movie) to this day holy shit) apart from the fact that it was a) very sad and b) scarlet fever?? and c) burning toys?? also toys were alive also me and one of my friends talked abt it this year I think but anyways very sad movie

did u guys know that Up made me cry and I wouldnt watch it bc it was that sad and idk why it did but I fo that with so many things like there was this song abt a guy getting shot bc he was black and reached for his pocket to get his Id and the police officers just fuckin. shot him. and my dad explained that to me and ever since then every time I heard that song start I'd cover my ears and tell them to change it and maybe start crying and idk why but that was something that really affected me

also the lorax. I once ate a bad bread roll while watching it and subsequently didnt watch it for like. a year bc of the bad memories. which was sad bc it had good music also the whole " my name is mary and I am three! and I really wanna see a tree! lalalala lalalalee so I say let it grow!"

me and my sibling used to watch the videos that were just like. and I say build a wall! over that song. it was funny and we'd drop the phone from laughing

idk man movies are crazy like especially the ones that are abt teens and kids or adults but are for kids and just have that vibe? like fuck marvel and dc let's watch romy and Michelle's high school reunion. that was my mums favourite movie and when she showed me it it was a) wildly inappropriate and b) was like a fever dream and I loved it. didnt she recite the thingy for sticky glue or something with her shirt off bc she'd been making out with her old high school crush or whatever but that was just a fake dream sequence? anf didnt she and her friend flip each other off and die in another dream sequence?

anyway thank you for coming to my ramble have a nice day ily all <3

[kalabiz]

with september so close. i feel. incredibly mad at myself. i spent the four months after trying so hard to just . remember. to fit things for myself. ive had to be quiet for so long. in the beginning i didnt know what questions to ask and so many people just didnt know what they should tell me. and once i started getting a better grip on the life i have. asking thise questions was just embarrassing? and mami and everyone just acts like nothing happened. we dont fucking talk about it or mention it. and with ash and ari and dani and destiny. its just not the same thing anymore. theres so many things ive pieced together that they just refuse to talk abt and say its in the past. well how can it be in the past if i dont even know about it? and its so upsetting to think about donovan and how he just couldnt handle what happened and now we’re just distant friends. like ill see u on instagram or send u a buzzfeed link once a month friends when it used to be me and him, two peas in a pod. and justin. im so good with justin now. how out of all people is justin now my best friend. i love him so much, but he just doesnt know everything. and i wont wven think about online because thats so upsetting. all the friends i have right now are people i just met or my friends from hs or njit. and thats just a shallow cersion if whsts happening with me.

the worst thing was being off tc and add in order to help my brain get to a neutral place gearing up for surgery once we saw that i had the benign tumor. like those were such bad emotional months. i know right now infeel crazy but ive never felt more displaced from my body. the one thing i am incrediblt grateful for is mami agreeing that i needed therapy after that psychiatrist recc’d it. like dr. lasater genuinely helped me sort out so much and my progress ti getting a tangible hold on my life would not have been in any way as good as it went. the days after the hospital. i wss so anxious to get a grip on my life to force myself to ease back into the person i was in september. isnt that fucking weird? i came back online and fought so hard with mami to just let me dtay at the dorms and stsrt the semester instead of delaying a semester or a year. who even does that. and i fought so hard to like the things i did. i like kpop and that stuff now. but in the beginning it was me just forcing myself to watch videos and learn in order to try to jog something in me.

and september and october i tried my best to text people and find out wjere i stood with them. for the leos and everyone back home i think we’re lnly ok now just because we didnt have to see eaxhother every day bc we all started uni and calls once a week was Enough. we didnt have a chance for it to get awkward and heavy. and honestly being friwnds with justin and kris made this so much easier. especially with meeting mo and the rest of njit crew. and then november hit and thats when it was like Woah its serious now . and i was scared of dying because my brain hurt so much and i was. so . empty and i stopped texting people and i decided ok im not gonna try like i was vefore what happens happens. and i just. i dont even think anyone from njcu or the frienfs ive made rn at uni know abt my health problems or the redacted. only my roomates because we had to sign the thingy saying they were aware or whatever. like its just not important anymore and its embarrassing. ive spent so many years hiding and keeping my tc seizures as lowkey as possible from pillow crew besides ashley. like redacred? not that big of a thing to hide. and how embarrasing is it to admit that it happened because u overdosed and ur body was alresdy in over drive and u dont even know Why you were suicidal. humiliatioooon my looove iand when december christmas thing happened and i had the seizure. that was terrifying because it was only three weeks until surgery and it felt like a nail in tbe coffin?

but its whatever now. ill never get those yesrs back and sometimes i still get scared when im trying to olace a memory or trying ti tell a story and its just blank. but its something . it feels okay now. and left hand tremor is always gonna be something u have to deal w bc of the surgery but at leadt i dont hesr those stupid fucking wind chimes anymore.