#NotAFighterJustHereForEmotes

[padawan-snack-packer]

"May the Salt Be With You: My Descent into HvV Hell", Battlefront 2 Edition

TW: This post contains salt, unfiltered chaos, and the emotional aftermath of Force lightning trauma. Not my usual content but I tried Battlefront II multiplayer Heroes vs Villains for the first time and I have thoughts.

And by thoughts I mean a RANT so unhinged it’s being studied by Jedi healers in the Temple for residual Dark Side energy.

[Also I've heard that my rants are often funny so if that makes you chuckle, perfect XD]

So I loaded into HvV like, 'You know what? I’m gonna have a chill match. Maybe duel a little, block, be civilized, spread some good vibes.' And then THESE FOUR DEMONS roll in like the literal opening crawl of Revenge of the Sith.

First, Emperor Palpatine. Great. A static-charged raisin with a GOD COMPLEX and a caffeine addiction. This man is ZIP-ZAPPING around the map like a crusty Roomba with evil intentions. Bro acts like he’s still pulling the strings of the entire galaxy, meanwhile he’s just bunny-hopping and screeching. I can’t see. I can’t hear. My screen is white. I’ve been jump-scared by a Sith prune. Thank you, next.

Then Kylo Ren— oh, not just any Kylo. No. This was a tantrum-throwing, saber-mashing, 'I didn't get enough hugs from Han' kind of Kylo. Every five seconds he’s screaming “TRAITOR!!!” and ragdolling me across the galaxy. He’s not here to fight. He’s here to project his trauma. And don’t even THINK about emoting—he was emoting before my body hit the floor. I’m still mid-Force freeze and this goth raccoon is spamming 'You’re nothing.' Sir, I’m aware. Please go touch grass.

Vader? Oh, sure. Calm Vader. Zen Vader. Somehow this man was composed like he just came back from a yoga retreat. He’s walking at 2 miles per hour like "patience is a weapon" and I’m over here mashing roll like I’m dodging taxes. He didn't even sprint. Just calmly walked up, choked me, and said 'You have failed me for the last time' like I’m his underperforming intern. Honestly? Kind of majestic. Still hate him though.

AND THEN LUKE. LUKE. THE SCOURGE OF MY EXISTENCE. This was not a Hero of the Rebellion. This was a spawn-camping gremlin with malicious intent and Jedi parkour powers. Every time I respawned, this man was already THERE, waiting like the damn ghost of Christmas Past with a lightsaber. I didn’t even get to BLOCK. I spawned. I died. Rinse. Repeat. Like bro, congrats. You’ve achieved spiritual enlightenment through being a little shit. Go write a memoir.

At one point I looked at the scoreboard and just saw my entire team with negative eliminations and my soul left my body. My one highlight was a kill on Luke???? ONE?????

Now... the chat.

The damn chat.

“GET OUTTA HERE YOU NOOB”? OH I’M SORRY, was I interrupting your testosterone-fueled fantasy where you think your Kill/Death ratio in a 2017 Star Wars game is your ticket to the Jedi Council?! Bro, this isn’t an esports tournament. This is Battlefront II and you’re standing on a box on Jakku yelling slurs with the confidence of a man who has NEVER made eye contact with a human woman.

And heaven FORBID—FOR👏🏻BID👏🏻—I try to play multiplayer as a girl.

Oh no. Suddenly every Sith Lord in a 12-mile radius goes feral like they smelled estrogen on the battlefield. You hear ONE female voice on comms and all logic leaves your tiny Funko Pop brains. It’s either “go make me a sandwich” or “marry me queen,” no in-between. Pick a lane, YOU MOUTH-BREATHING, CAVEMAN-A$$, BUBBLEGUM-BRAINED, ENERGY-DRINK-SOAKED SPACE GOBLINS.

Let’s be clear: you play the villains like a rodent with trust issues, camp in the air like a broken drone, and call it “tactics.” Meanwhile I pick Leia once—ONCE—and y’all descend like I’ve stolen the sacred gamer relic. Me existing in your lobby doesn’t threaten your fragile grip on the Force. Go hug your Funimation body pillow and rethink your life.

You think you’re top dog ‘cause you can kill me when I spawn in surrounded by three Sith Lords and a Palps with 900 hours? Congratulations. I hope that achievement pops up in your job interview.

Bro. I’m not here to win shit. I died THIRTEEN TIMES and guess what? I still got XP, credits, voice lines, cards, AND fulfilled my in-game objectives!!!! I’m here for ✨vibes✨ not your sweaty little Sith killstreak!!! I don’t give a single galactic shit if you’re level 5646746432546574576875. Congrats, you’re a digital war criminal. Go touch grass, I’m unlocking emotes!