#Odasaku is mentioned a lot for a guy I didn't plan on being super involved in the story

[tclulubell]

[BSD] excerpt from fanfic idea I’ve had in my head for upwards of 4 months...

edit: OK I GENUINELY BEEN TRYING TO POST THIS STUPID THING FOR AWHILE BUT TUMBLR YOU SUCK!

Ok, I keep thinking and thinking of this idea, and like a sharknado, it keeps getting messy. Worse still, this was meant to be an emotion-driven character study, maybe some cute WAFF romance, not SAD ANGRY BOI SPOUTING NIHILISTIC POP PHILOSOPHY. D:<

I already have a bunch of random ideas and scenes and conversations stored away so I can use them when I really do decide to really flesh out this story kicking and screaming inside me. But I need to know if, based on this excerpt I pooped out in the middle of the night, if I’m heading towards OOCness even with the justification of this being an AU inspired by the BEAST novel existence and the ramifications this has with the Book and reality itself.

Scene set up: A teenage!Dazai is doing some investigation for the Agency (for the governemnt? personal reason? don’t know, not important). He ends up meeting someone he hasn’t seen in years.

D:< D:< D:<

Horizontal gaze, horizontal brows, horizontal mouth.

Vertical posture, vertical gaze, vertical words.

Blank mirrors for eyes.

“I cannot wallow. I have made my choices. Yes, poor ones. Yes, willingly too. Is that something too far out beyond your understanding of me? Did I not make a confirmation of my unwittingly, painful performance of another’s puppetry of my person? I made losses, for you and for me. In this world and in his. In yours. Perhaps mine, one day, if I choose to bring myself to consider paying any attention to it. That is the past.

“I decided nothing is impossible anymore. I might not be capable for some actions, but I can trust in this vague, indecisive, claustrophobic world to provide bodies of wilfulness and determinism to complete such choices. Just because it’s inevitable, it doesn’t invalidate it. I rather continue to futilely cling and drag it down with me, because it’s worth debasing oneself with feeling rather than to detach yourself to a numbness of your own ineptitude to accept something will happen regardless.”

The mirrors stop reflecting me.

This gaze... too uncomfortably familiar.

I didn’t think he would let them become wet in front of me again. Time, and time, again to lose something important, because nothing is permanent and everything leaves. Why continue to peruse this performance-!

That gaze burns. Odasaku, what did you say back then!? For such a thing to be exist on his face-!

“Do you really think that numbness came from not feeling anything? Form your vast intelligence and understanding of human behaviour, is that your conclusion? Has it ever occurred to you that to receive so much feeling that your are unable to process it in any form, because of our human limitation on understanding ourselves beyond our vastly narrow perspective? We don’t know ourselves and spend lifetimes trying to make sense of the cosmic randomness that is our person. We are all crippled and in pain, deeply isolated from others, never to understand at all. Is that meaningless? Futile? FUCK NO. We are always MEANT to be that ignorant. Living any life, as painful, strange, remorseful, relentless, ecstatically, vapidly, vastly means there is so much more to experience. To be overwhelmed from. To be stuffed, gutted, and our viscera from the breach to be made beautiful arrangements from what been done!”

His arms movement is jerky, flung far and away from his body. Flapping around as he continues to talk. And talk. And Talk. And Talk. AND TALK-! He contorts his posture in one abrupt, backwards motion, to flop his head back, to look upwards into the endless sky. His knees are bent forward, while his back curves and his chest laying parallel to that endless sky. It’s so dark without the stars; clouds are hiding the sky from his exhibitionist-like action. His chest is moving so wide, then contracting into himself, and wide, and into himself once again. Such deep breathing...

“No matter how intelligent you are, and how aware of people you are, and how you can pluck their strings to dance to your melody, and how deeply isolated you are feeling... You are still one stupid, stupid child, playing the fake society role of ‘adult,’ nonsensically clinging to a story that already ended. I don’t think things will play out as you wish; you believe it will. Because people are still choosing, even in ignorance. Your complacency doesn’t absolve you, but neither is your pro-activeness will be deliverance. We don’t Need anything; we don’t Want anything. We only really need to simply need. We only really want to simply want. It just be simply, simple.”

Is he all a giant sigh? Why were you looking at me like that? I was certain you and Odasaku understood where we were all coming from. Just like back then, there are new futures to pursue, to experience, to protect. Odasaku said it is better to be a good man... And I do want to try. I want it so much, so... of all of us who is trying so hard to be good...

What led you towards this path?

You were the last person we believed would become like this...

“Your intelligence only really reveals your mind-boggling stupidity. I just wished I realized it all those lifetimes ago. I wish I was smarter to realize Sakunosuke was already walking the path he dreamed of, with you.”

I know how lucky I am to have Odasaku this time around. But what does that has to do with you and Dostoevsky working together and for-!

Oh, that mirror is back up, alongside your physical self sending itself towards me.

“I’m sure I know what the Agency is planning. And I will do what I can to make it as difficult and uncomfortable as possible. Not because I don’t want you succeed; somehow you will regardless. I trust that much in the Agency, in you, in Sakunosuke. I only ask that whatever may happen, I will receive the Book for a few moments. Hopefully I can grant my final wish before oblivion.”

But where is that heart of yours?