#One time in October in 2020 but didn't because I lost motivation and I was really late

[my-name-is-bunnyfoxy]

POV: You want to join an art challenge for August regarding TMNT but the person hosting it is someone who wrote a Mikey gets adopted by the Rise turtles and you also fear that you doing it would come off as you supporting the creator meaning you support their fanfic that doesn't give any respect to 2012 and makes Mikey look like a damn crybaby and also for some reason calls him Casper and not to mention this person supports Unfamiliar Familiar

[mxtcha-tea]

Where I've been and where I am now

Alright, please read the pinned post first. That's more important than this.

WARNING; IMPLICATIONS OF SUICIDE

Anyways, hi

Oh gosh, it's been such a long time since I've step foot in here. It's unbelievable that this was here since 2021. But anyway,,,

Hi, I go by citrus now! Not an exciting or groundbreaking name. I decided to change my name, yet again, and just went with citrus. I think its sounds nice? Idk

Alright, back to what I wanted to talk now. So, after this post I sorta got back to reality?? I mean, since I spend most of my time in tumblr back in uh, 2020 to 2021, it kinda became a little place for me to stay in the internet.

But after my leave, I didn't have anything else to hold onto other than trying to keep my grades alive because believe it or not, my grades plummeted after that!! How sweet!!

While the internet has been one of my worst addiction, it was still a place that I'm (fairly) comfortable to be in since I could talk about my interests whenever I want(believe it or not, I have no one to talk to at school, wow, shocker)

And that's where the storm started, I was thinking of not-so-friendly thoughts and attempted, yknow, forever sleeping. I was lost and I was too scared to tell anyone about it.

It went from me thinking of that, and then denying and then telling myself that I only think that way to make myself be pitied and then forget about it and the cycle continues.

That's until around, maybe August 2022, I started to think straight again and tried (emphasis on tried) to make myself better again. There's time it works and didn't but slowly as October came in, I started to feel better.

I still think about forever sleeping but very rarely. And now that my mind is (slightly more) okay now, I wanted to get back here and apologize for my past behavior and for leaving everyone in the dark.

Alright enough about the depressing stuff, I wanna talk about how I am now. Well, I'm good now! Maybe still a little lazy like I was before but nonetheless, I am a-okay

I managed to socialize a bit at school and got myself a friend that I'm more close to than others (technically best friends, but they still don't know a lot about me like how I don't know a lot about them, so there's still a little gap there)

(And if anyone cared enough to know) my main interest as of now is Twisted Wonderland. After the English translation was announced, I went ham and eating up content about twst like it was my last meal.

Anyways, here are more infos that are more than less interesting;

I got myself in reading more literature, whether it's in English or malay tbh

I also got interested in coding and believe it or not, I'm kinda trying to make a game using renpy

I still write and draw thankfully

....i got myself some cat headphones

I have an exam later in uh, I think January so I've been trying to get myself motivated to at least study

And that's about it. And to conclude it all with a question, actually 2 questions

What are you gonna do with this account now?

Well unlike my old account that I deactivated, I'll keep this one up for obvious reasons

Do you have another account on tumblr? (and maybe accounts on other platforms?)

I do have set a new account on tumblr for my twisted wonderland interest. But i'm still trying to fix the theme and clearing my drafts over there so I won't tell the @ for now

And yeah, I do have other accounts on other platforms (but that's a story for another time)

Thank you for reading this all the way through and have a nice day!

[covermeinclouds]

i never talk about anything i do in my life outside the internet properly online because it's not really essential. so, here is a realistic life update:

3 weeks ago, i started working out. i saw this post about consistency over motivation. if you try to look for motivation every time you plan on doing anything, you won't get anywhere. motivation doesn't appear daily. consistency is something we produce and don't wait to be produced. i stuck by that. i work out everyday at 8am even when i'm tired and in pain.

adjusted my eating habits because it would be useless for me to workout and not eat well.

writing on my journal again even if i never know what to write about just so i could fit something more into my routine

physically pushing myself out of horrible ruts

planned out my budget for the whole year and following it without getting anxious (but of course, anxiety over money never leaves)

getting into new hobbies without thinking of getting better at it at all i just want to do something else besides stare at a screen all day

buying things for my room! fucking finally. this one i love doing. i put a pin on fixing the room when we moved in and gave myself time to "adjust." finally after a year, i got to doing that and i didn't realize how fun it actually is??? shopping for your bedroom????

all i've been doing to substitute my habit of 'eating when i'm bored' is reading the books i have that i haven't read. it also helps when i want to stay away from my phone.

deleted the twitter app and only getting on it when i turn my laptop on is such an experience for me.

whenever i feel the urge of self destruction, i write it all down. i still have the craving to ruin one's self. but once you start writing everything down, you kinda get lost in it and it sorta helps. it keeps your emotions in order. makes you know where to start.

really, just shadow work everyday when i can.

selling clothes i know i won't use again just to earn money to spend and not to save because everything i earn from work, i want to save.

been trying to book an appointment at the dfa to get my passport renewed before it expires this year but it feels IMPOSSIBLE to book on the website. already panicking about govt ids. i decided i need more than 2.

you know that phase you go through as a teenager when you're just pissed off and easily annoyed at everything? i never went through that. i'm going through that right now.

recently just got regularized in the company i work in!! i can BREATHE now. FUCK. this is the first job i actually did not half ass cause i truly wanted to keep this one. so im super happy about this

finished 2 books in a week. that's A LOT FOR ME considering my attention span.

i'm still taking melatonin to sleep unfortunately. one habit from my anxiety ridden year that i can't seem to get rid of. i've been taking melatonin every night since october 2020. i try to not be so dependent but i think we are way past that. the good thing about this is that i don't wake up groggy when i have to log in for work. i wake up like 15 minutes before my shift.

i have nothing else to share

[thenotsolittlemisspeculiar]

Carbon Copy

Posted: October 10, 2020 4:16pm PHT

Edited: August 3, 2024 6:00pm PHT

(Source)

This has nothing to do with the post, but here it goes. I became a fan of Scrubs (2001–2010) more than three years ago while I was still a nursing student.

Again, I didn't finish the four-year course because I dropped out. I just happened to discover the show while I was flipping through channels, and it was one of the greatest happy accidents I've ever had in my life. The show was one of the things that motivated and inspired me to be the best nurse that I wanted to be.

Besides the laughter that the show gives as a stress-reliever and no-strings-attached distraction to get the academic pressure out of my head even for a short while, it's by far the most realistic medical show I've ever come across with. Have I also mentioned that the initials of Zach Braff's character John Dorian (aka "J.D.") is coincidentally the same as mine?

Furthermore, I can very much relate to it on a personal level, not only because it reminds me of one of the fields that I chose, but it's also because of the lessons and similarity of situations that the characters found themselves in which I have also experienced firsthand.

I even included the show's theme song "Superman" by Lazlo Bane as the second song in my Daily Grind 💪🏼 playlist on Spotify. If I wanted a quick pick-me-up, I just listen to it. In fact, I have replayed it too many times that I lost count. It's just because the lyrics spoke directly to me (and it still does) that no person really is an island, especially for someone who's a temporary "lone wolf" and for those in healthcare (or other areas of life). Anyway, why am I making this post about me? I'll talk about my academic journey and the playlist in another post. So, going back to the topic...

Needless to say, keeping power imbalances in mind, significant but considerable age gaps don't bother me that much for as long as people are consenting adults and that there was no grooming involved early on or even at a later age. And, yes, adults can also be groomed.

I understand how many of us want that feeling of familiarity, or that we sometimes search for partners that resemble the characteristics or personalities of our parents. However, seeing people date others who look almost exactly as their parent screams nothing but daddy/mommy issues or incest to me. 😐

No offense. Love is love, I suppose. Whatever floats their boat. At least they're not actually related? 🤷🏻‍♀️

[diabolicalworldwriter]

2021 is ending

aight it's the end of the year so here's my little 'how things have gone'. don't feel like you have to read it, it'll be long and probably very little fandom and probably a lot sad, but it's just kinda nice to wrap it up like this. there will be things like death and poor mental health including suicidality and ED so TW (I will also be cursing a bit; I normally try not to post swear words of my own, but it felt more honest so CW for that as well)

I'll start with the negatives so I can hopefully end on a more positive note. this year was a hard one. I'd say the worst I've ever had. my best friend and older sibling Luca moved out in early february so I rarely saw them anymore, my motivation got a lot worse than it's ever been, and my mental health plummeted a lot, which is a little surprising since I would've thought it couldn't get much shittier than it was. on the side of that, I recognized the religion I'd been raised in was toxic on many levels and so, while I was unable to leave it physically since my family is all in, I mentally left it.

a 'mental health group' I, Luca and several friends had been working for a long while basically kicked us out for being queer. generally, in retrospect it was a horrible and bigoted environment, and really messed with us all so it was good we left but the final act of toxicity was very frustrating.

I've had poor self-image for years now and it's been declining and reached the point where I slipped into bulimia. for quite a while I was throwing up daily and even when it was less bad, I couldn't go a week without it. I've improved somewhat since then but I've kept the unhealthy eating patterns and it's still in the back of my mind to do it every time I eat.

I found out an irl friend I'd made in 2020 was toxic and that messed with me. I've never been the best at telling when people are hurting or using me and this made my trust issues expand a lot.

in august I moved out to live in another state with my grandparents because I couldn't take being around my parents anymore, who aren't exactly what one would consider healthy. I figured that while I would be separated from my friends, I rarely saw them anyways as my parents didn't let me spend time with them all that often, so being online friends would work, and by getting to a healthier space physically, I might be able to live long enough to have the future we'd been planning together, so the time apart would be made up for.

I started into public school for the first time as a Junior. it was anxious and stressful and I made a fair number of mistakes and the aggravated trust issues came back to bite me a lot, but eventually I made some friends in late September and I was learning some things and I enjoyed those aspects.

October 10 my older sibling Luca died. it's hard to express how horrible and painful that's been. I went from feeling like my life was starting to get a bit better, and that maybe i could live until adulthood, to feeling like the idea of living another second was agonizing and incomprehensible. it's been almost three months and I'm still struggling to imagine living through 2022.

as a frame of reference, Luca has been my friend on and off my entire life, and my best friend for the past four years. I've come close to suicide more times than I can count and they were the person who came to mind or talked to me or just did something with me that brought me back from the edge. all of my plans, hopes and dreams revolved around them, and they were about the only person I felt I could fully trust, rely on, and who understood me. they were the main family member I wanted anything to do with, and the best friend I've ever had. it's thanks to them I've learned anything about my gender identity and orientation and that I was able to reach out of the toxic, pervasive bubble I've been in all my life. they were the reason I looked forward to a possible future. and I lost all of that.

I dropped out of school right after they died because I knew that it was only going to make things worse. since then it's just been a daily struggle to not think too much and keep myself distracted and off the edge.

my grandma found out I'm trans and no longer in her religion and it's strained our relationship a lot, since she can't really comprehend either of those. I'm hoping things will improve a little since it seems she's trying to be a bit more open minded.

I got the good old covid in early November and lost my taste and smell, which I still haven't gotten back yet, so that's fun. as someone who loves to bake/cook and snacks a lot, that's been a whole other ordeal on top of everything else.

this last month I've been (impermanently) back with my parents and siblings, because it would be easier on everyone's schedules for me to just drive home from thanksgiving with them than our original plans, and I figured being back home would let me be a better help for my friends who were also very close to Luca and have been struggling. aside from that I have an 8yo sister who's had a hard time and bad mental health even before this year, but who has turned more openly suicidal with Luca's death and I hoped maybe somehow my being home would help her a little.

I can't say for sure whether my being here has improved or worsened anything for anyone else, though it's definitely been pretty hard on me.

I turned seventeen recently, my first birthday without Luca and for sure my worst one yet. having less than a year before I'm an adult is terrifying, especially with having very little motivation, no concrete, workable plans, and pretty much no will to live. it's going to be a lot to keep going this year, and idk how I'll be a functional adult or even live but I guess we'll see.

now to try and be positive cuz that's a lot of shit.

I made quite a few good online friends this year, and they've definitely been really helpful with all I've been going through.

I've accepted myself as a lesbian oriented aromantic asexual nonbinary person and it's good to feel like I kinda maybe understand myself a little, and to move past a bit of the internalized queerphobia and comp het I've had for a long time.

I started reading webtoons more seriously and based on fanart I guess you can all imagine how that turned out this year XD. I have a lot of comics that I read now as a coping mechanism and I love them and the creators and platform and am very glad to have found it, especially since I hope to at some point publish on Canvas.

as noted, I made some friends while living with my grandparents, so I have more friends and more reasons to look forward to going back.

I've made some progress on stories I'm writing and really gotten into world building for one in particular, which has been awesome. I finished a rough draft, though it's unlikely it will be published for a long time since it was a project Luca and I were working on together and I don't know how to finish the story, especially without them to consult.

I've gotten a lot closer to my extended family, both physically and emotionally, which has been really nice. so even though the future is scary and I hate it, I have some really wonderful people who have my back.

I got to dye my hair for the first time! my parents are very restrictive and wouldn't let me while living with them, but right before they passed away Luca came out for a visit and helped me dye it since I've always wanted to and they loved dyeing hair. honestly I'm just so glad they came out for that visit because it was good to see them that last time and just be a dumbass with my best friend and my cousins for a weekend.

I'm mentally out of a harmful religion and am now able to think and see and do so many things that I couldn't even imagine before since just the idea was 'evil'. I'm moving towards being a much better person and much more conscious and caring without it blocking out everything else.

moving away from my parents has been good, and I hope it continues to help me cuz I could use some help lmfao. it's good being closer to extended family and farther away from my unhealthy close family members.

last thing I can think of: my art improvement. I've gotten a lot better this year (thankfully) and I'm proud of that.

early 2021 digital:

most recent digital:

more recent traditional:

it's hard. life sucks, there's a lot of shit. idk if I'm gonna be here in a year. hell, idk if I'm going to be here tomorrow. but I guess I'll accept that and try to get somewhere anyways.

ily guys thank you for being here. thanks for dealing with my inconsistent posting and random rants and fandoms you've never heard of. you're amazing and I hope your 2021 was good and 2022 will be even better.