#PHILISTINE. AS IN. THE FUCKING. PEOPLE WHO LIVED THERE ALREADY BY THE TIME MOSES AND THE ISRAELITES SHOWED UP.

[roseverdict]

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[quranreadalong]

#12, Surah 2

THE QURAN READ-ALONG: DAY 12

The good news is that we have less than 60 ayat to go until we finish this surah. The bad news is we’ve got to slog through re-runs of Biblical stories to get there.

We’ll start the day with an ayah encouraging people to keep up their prayer schedule in 2:238. If you’re particularly busy, or under attack or something, Allah says you can pray on horseback if need be. Neutral. Anyway, we have a couple of leftover ayat about marriage: 2:240 is a good (I suppose?) request for men to make a provision in their wills to allow their widows to remain in their residence for a year after their death, which is a “kindness”, though the kindness is evidently limited to a period of twelve months... 2:242 is one of those bland neutral “Allah has told you what to do” things.

But that’s the last of the marital stuff for now. It’s time to dive back into deeply mutilated versions of Biblical stories! Remember how much fun we had with the Moses section? We’re back at it now. Observe:

Bethink thee (O Muhammad) of those of old, who went forth from their habitations in their thousands, fearing death, and Allah said unto them: Die; and then He brought them back to life. Lo! Allah is a Lord of Kindness to mankind, but most of mankind give not thanks.

Allah killed them, then brought them back to life, and the idiots had the nerve to not be grateful towards his kindness (in killing them and then reviving them?!). No one seems to be able to agree on what the hell Mohammed was talking about here, as there is (yet again) no basis for it in any Jewish text that I can find. Some have this mass-murder taking place in the Moses days, others in some unnamed later battle. Tafsir al-Jalalayn and Ibn Kathir tell us that this is a variant of the Ezekiel story:

These were a people from among the Children of Israel who fled their homeland after it was afflicted with plague. God said to them ‘Die!’ and they did. Then He gave them life after eight days or more as a result of the supplication of their prophet Ezekiel (Hizqīl) and they lived on for a while with the effects of death still upon them such that when they wore garments these turned into shrouds for the deceased; and this phenomenon remained with their descendants. Truly God is bounteous to people

Well why in the name of fuck would they be grateful for that??? He turned them into zombies! In the actual Ezekiel story, which is clearly metaphorical, they are already long-dead before they’re revived--YHWH doesn’t kill them and then revive them a week later. And anyway, the Quranic verse doesn’t mention Ezekiel or anyone else. In context, I think the battle variant makes more sense, with Allah killing soldiers for refusing to fight people:

have you not been informed, O Muhammad, (of those of old, who went forth from their habitations) to fight their enemies (in their thousands) eight thousand in total, but they proved too cowardly to fight, (fearing death) out of fear of being killed, (and Allah said unto them: Die) Allah killed them on the spot, (and then He brought them back to life) after eight days. (Lo! Allah is the Lord of Kindness to mankind) to these people for He brought them back to life, (but most of mankind give not thanks) for life.

Either way, Allah tells us that they were bad ungrateful assholes. If you recall, Allah killed some Jews and then brought them back to life in 2:56 (with a lightning strike), and they were similarly ungrateful, in their Jew-y manner.

This may seem an odd non-sequitur from what preceded it, but it all makes sense in context. The context being Mohammed preparing his followers for some more jihad. 2:244 commands: “Fight in the way of Allah”, while 2:245 asks Muslims to give “Allah” some $$$ as a loan (really).

We then go back to the Torah. The Hebrews vow to “fight in Allah’s way”, as Mo’s modern-day followers are doing. An unnamed prophet (Samuel) questions their sincerity, but they promise that they’d really fight the people who caused them to be “driven out from our homes”, meaning, I suppose, the Philistines. But:

when fighting was prescribed for them, they turned away, except for a few of them. And Allah is Knowing of the wrongdoers.

In other words, boys and girls, when your prophet tells you to go to war, you’d best get your ass to war, unlike the wrongdoing Jews. Fighting is prescribed for you, after all.

The following section is a bit of a mess because Mohammed confused a lot of details. First of all, we’ve skipped ahead to the reign of King Saul, so forget about the story of Samuel, who is an old guy by this point in the Bible. Allah declares Saul king, the Jews complain because he’s just some random peasant (“How can he have kingdom over us when we are more deserving of the kingdom than he is?”), and Allah tells them to shut up because he knows better than they do. Demanding obedience to questionable monarchy: bad! (The fact that some people were displeased with Saul’s appointment as king is from the Book of Samuel).

The Jews are told that the return of the Ark of the Covenant proves Saul’s rightful kingship; it is carried by angels to Israel. (In the Torah the Philistines willingly return it and just stick it on a cart and give it back long before Saul is king, no angels involved. It is actually said that Saul and his people barely even looked at the ark, except for one time he dragged it into battle. But... the Jews were probably lying. This must be one of those faked parts of the Torah! Mohammed’s story is the real one, of course!)

Then Mohammed confuses details again and relates a story of Saul leading troops to a river and telling them to prove their loyalty by only drinking it in a certain way before facing off against Goliath’s troops. This is actually the Biblical story of Gideon, not Saul. After that is a recap of the battle of David and Goliath, attributing the victory to Allah. Whatever, neutral.

Allah declares Mohammed a prophet and connects him to previous prophets, concluding with this odd (and bad) thought:

And if Allah had so willed it, those who followed after them would not have fought one with another after the clear proofs had come unto them. But they differed, some of them believing and some disbelieving. And if Allah had so willed it, they would not have fought one with another; but Allah doeth what He will.

Allah could have ensured that the followers of his various prophets lived in peace with one another, but he didn’t want to. Why? Hell if I know. Allah does what he wants.

On that happy note, let’s stop for today.

NEXT TIME: There is no compulsion in religion but disbelievers will be burned eternally.

The Quran Read-Along: Day 12

Ayat: 16

Good: 1 (2:240)

Neutral: 10 (2:238-39, 2:241-42, 2:245, 2:248-52)

Bad: 5 (2:243-44, 2:246-47, 2:253)

Kuffar hell counter: 0

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