#Rant thing you can ifmgnore

[gucci-depressione]

I've been watching Brooklyn Nine Nine for the past couple hours and I just finished S5 E10 and hin9it made me cry a little.

Like when Rosa came out to her parents as bisexual and how they reacted is very similar to when I came out as pansexual to my family. Well minus all the shouting and crying.

And the conversation she had with her dad on the roof at the presinct when he said that he was sorry for how he reacted and how this was all new to him and he still loves her broke me because my dad (after a couple weeks) apologized for upsetting me and said that he'll try to learn more about the LGBTQ+. It's taken a long time but he doesn't really have any problems with people dating the same gender. He's still a transphobe but I'm trying to get him to not be.

But my mum is still a homophobe and I think she hates me for being pansexual. I thought that she would get used to it over time like my dad did but 2.5 years later, she hasn't accepted me for who I am and I've come to the conclusion that she never will accept me for being pan. I'm also ace but I'm never gonna tell my parents until I move out. And it's gotten to the point where whenever the LGBTQ+ community is mentioned in anyway my mum will a) slightly glare at me, warning me not to say anything and b) I'll leave the room because I know that my mum will say something homophobic and I'll disagree and then we'll have a fight and she'll kick me out again.

But I'm slightly worried that if we get into a huge fight about it like we did last year when she kicked me out for hours and locked the door and wouldn't let me in until around 10pm, then she'll kick me out permanently as I'm 17. That's why I want to move out as soon as I graduate. I don't care where it is as long as I'm away from here. It's not that I hate my family or anything, I love them. It's just that I don't really feel that safe here anymore and I'm constantly getting told what I can and can't do and my mental health isn't taken seriously by my family (mainly my mother).

She's also constantly putting me down and comparing me to my older brother because he's the perfect child and he's everything my mum wanted me to be and I get the feeling that she's disappointed in me for not being more like him. But I'm not and she has to accept that I'm not her perfect little princess and I know that I'm a failure and a disappointment and will probably not achieve anything in life and I don't care that she's my mother, it's not fair that she gets to treat me and my siblings like this.

I've told her time and time again to not bring up certain topics because they make me feel uncomfortable and even more insecure about myself. And what does she do? She talks about my insecurities and other topics right in front of me, even though she fucking KNOWS how they make me feel. And I fucking hate having to put up with this. I jnwo I should stand up for myself but my mum scares me so much. I don't know what to fucking do anymore. I can't take this for much longer.

I've been thinking about this for the past few years and quarantine also helped me realise is that I need time away from my family. A lot of time. Just have somewhere to go and stay for a while where I can work on getting my mental health sorted out and to just basically reflect on my life. Also someplace where I can fully embrace who I am without any consequences. That's why I wanna move out as soon as possible. But I don't have a job so I'm probably not gonna be able to move out until I'm in my Twenties and honestly, I'm not looking forward to having to it.

I really want to sit her down and have a conversation with her about all this and more but I'm really scared of how she's gonna react. And knowing her, I won't even get past the first sentence before she starts yelling at me and some other stuff and that's why I haven't told her any of this yet and I probably never will. I'm just so scared of how she's gonna react to all this and I don't want to damage our already damaged relationship anymore that it already is.

I've been avoiding her more and more ever since we went into qurentine but our house is small and I hear her talking about me and my siblings sometimes and even though I can't always make out what she's saying exactly, I can tell by her tone that whatever she's saying about us is not good. Now I could be wrong but if she has something nice to say, she'll say it to our faces. And if not then she'll talk about us behind our back.