#SORRY DID GET AN EENSY BIT OFF THE RAILS

[vaultsixtynine]

zari thots and things abt her worldview that will make me look iasip-level insane if i go into it:

1. relationship to art as a mangled reflection of self-worth (the need to be discrete and immutable amd objective and have pre-determined context - because her relationship to and conception of "art" is FUNDAMENTALLY flawed due to a few critical factors - as opposed to interpretable, multi-lateral, shifting both in form and meaning. prism. shifting colors. why are you trying so hard to be black and white.)

VERSUS

2. concept of change or evolution being both the driving force/thing she's holding onto and the flail she keeps herself in line with. stability is both a luxury that other people get but not her (bitter), but also if she fails, if she doesn't grow, if she refuses to take opportunities as they come, then she deserves what she gets. because she doesn't have a choice. and she's made her peace with that* - the caterpillar turning to goo before something else can kick and gnaw its way out of the wreckage. she needs to be powerful. she will do what she has to to get there.

*lying to herself but not in a way where she's cognizant that she Is lying. bc there IS nothing else. there can't be.

and then there's the... has never set a boundary that's been respected so never knows how hard to react to things she doesn't like and opts to wanting to Never look like she's out of control or vulnerable. there's the So So scared of so many things but pain and death aren't among them - related to (2.), but the earnest belief that she won't learn until she's suffered, that it's an integral part of the process, that she'll deserve what happens if she makes a mistake - ESPECIALLY if she makes it more than once.

and then there's the other things - that rules should be sidestepped, loopholes slunk through, but you can't break or evade a system if you don't understand it. that nothing in nature - magical or mundane - "doesn't make sense", it's instead her knowledge of it that's flawed. that she doesn't understand what people mean or feel when they discuss love. that there's a version of herself she needs to work towards who is unaffected by the world, and is merely an objective observer of it, a recorder, an analyst. that her needing other people is only a physical reminder of her weakness - that one day, maybe if she's perfect, maybe if she's powerful, maybe if she's what she needs to be, she can exist completely on her own. and she can complete her Goal on her own, and then she'll be free! on her own. because she has never planned for any kind of future outside of The Goal.

she is patient inside her goal and shortsighted outside of it - why bother? all of her passes over the whetstone are intended for one final shape and purpose. may that at least always be Her Own and not her being a pliant agent of someone else. please. she's spent far too long being Pliant. existing because someone else allowed it - needed to use her for something. she just wants to belong to and be defined by herself and no one else, and to owe nothing to anyone, even if it's only for a brief moment.

that's not how it works, of course - life isn't just this narrow hallway of pre-defined and singular loneliness, holding no one's hand and thinking you're better for it. but maybe she'll learn that too.