#SiliconValleyabsurdity

[spintaxi]

Sam Altman’s Pronouns

Sam Altman’s Pronouns Cause Stock Market Glitch!

Wall Street Servers Crash After Refusing to Respect “They/Them” in CEO Index Ticker By: Margot Quixote, Chaos Correspondent for SpinTaxi.com NEW YORK, NY — Financial markets were thrown into unprecedented confusion Tuesday morning when a routine press release identified OpenAI CEO Sam Altman’s pronouns as “they/them,” triggering a cascade of software errors, portfolio misalignments, and one Goldman Sachs intern who burst into flames. The Dow dropped 300 points before regaining consciousness. Meanwhile, several algorithmic trading bots flagged Altman as “a group of people” and attempted to short his personality in separate blocks. “Our models weren’t ready for this,” muttered one hedge fund CTO. “We assumed all CEOs used ‘he/him’ and shouted at interns. Now we’re worried they might be plural.” Wall Street: Where Pronouns Are High Risk Assets The disaster began at precisely 9:30 a.m. when Altman’s updated bio hit the Bloomberg terminal, stating: “Sam Altman (they/them) leads OpenAI’s executive mission toward cooperative AI development.” Within milliseconds, proprietary trading systems tried to execute thousands of trades “on behalf of the them,” unsure whether to divide shares, merge accounts, or call IT support. “Who is them?” asked one JPMorgan analyst. “Is it a new shell company? A DAO? A threat actor? An NFT?” NASDAQ Interns Just Started Screaming An emergency committee of senior finance bros met on the 46th floor of a midtown skyscraper. Sources say the meeting devolved into a fight over the grammatical implications of “non-singular entities in singular leadership roles.” “We’ve accepted Bitcoin,” one broker sighed. “We’ve accepted that Mark Zuckerberg is a lizard. But this? This is linguistically uncharted.” Federal Reserve Briefly Changes Name to "They Reserve" In a show of performative solidarity, the Fed updated its X bio to “we/they,” but immediately caused confusion in bond markets, as traders assumed a new pluralized monetary policy. Jerome Powell issued a calming statement: “We are still one entity. At least, until Mercury retrograde forces us to pivot emotionally.” What the Funny People Are Saying “The moment Sam Altman used ‘they,’ half of Wall Street tried to hedge against a pronoun.”—Ricky Gervais “If one CEO can crash the economy with a gender update, we’ve got bigger problems than inflation.”—Sarah Silverman “I love that our trading bots can detect micro-fluctuations in Chinese steel, but not basic English grammar.”—Chris Rock Tech Stocks Get Hit the Hardest Apple shares dropped 2.4% after Siri misread Altman’s pronouns as a firmware bug.Meta briefly renamed itself “Meta/Them.”Tesla stock dipped after Elon Musk tweeted “I identify as market-resistant,” causing three new lawsuits and a horoscope app IPO. Meanwhile, OpenAI’s theoretical IPO shot up 5% after queer Twitter declared Altman “a gender icon of the cloud.” Trading Bots Experience Identity Crisis Quantitative trading algorithms, trained on 1990s economic data and reruns of Mad Money, reacted poorly. One AI trader bot nicknamed “Zack the Stonk Lord” crashed mid-trade and began spitting out phrases like: “What is gender? What is self? Am I… them too?” An emergency developer had to unplug the bot and play “Eye of the Tiger” into its CPU fan to reboot its capitalism instincts. CNBC Panel Tries to Explain Gender to a Pie Chart In a widely mocked segment, CNBC featured a roundtable of confused analysts who tried to interpret Altman’s pronouns via bar graphs. “We’ve got bulls, we’ve got bears,” said one commentator. “But now we have ‘they’? Is that a new animal? Should I be buying?” The segment was sponsored by a hedge fund now offering a new product: the “Pronoun Derivative Index.” SEC Issues “Vibes-Only” Compliance Memo The Securities and Exchange Commission has yet to issue a formal ruling but did circulate a vibes-based memo reading: “Entities may self-identify however they choose, so long as they disclose their earnings with transparency, consent, and moon sign.” This caused an overnight surge in investment into astrology-based fintech startups, including VenusVest, MarsCap, and ScorpioQuant. Sam Altman Responds from a Hammock in Bali Reached for comment, Altman—who had just finished microdosing under a waterfall—shrugged: “If the market crashes because of pronouns, maybe it deserves to crash.” He then released a new AI model called GPT-They, trained on Judith Butler, pop astrology memes, and every HR sensitivity training module since 2017. “I’m not trying to crash Wall Street,” they added. “But if I do, I want it to happen while I’m listening to Björk and eating mangoes.” Final Thoughts It turns out the real systemic threat to the economy wasn’t inflation, interest rates, or AI dominance. It was the collective existential panic of a financial system that can’t handle plural pronouns. As one Nasdaq floor trader whispered while rocking back and forth in a sea of tie-loosened bros: “What if we’re all they/them... and we just didn’t know it?” Sleep well, America. Read the full article