#THEREFORE EUROPEAN MEN DONT INFLICT AS MUCH HARM

[magnificentempress]

"truth is, if you think black and brown men are worse, there is no way you aren’t racist to women, too. That can’t be compartmentalized."

actually it can be, because i hate men! i hope this helps

[albanybarn]

Let’s talk about toxic masculinity, its dangers, and what we can do about it.

This week, we will be premiering our first column, "Made With Aladalove" written by Lada. We're going to be featuring guest bloggers covering art topics, social issues, and a wide variety of other topics. We are taking suggestions so if you or someone you know would like to submit to The Bi-Wkly, please send your work to info@albanybarn.org with the title "Newsletter submission".

Notes from the writer: I hope to discuss issues we (people of color) face, put plans into action, encourage people to live their truest selves and create a platform for unity, respect and change. This will be achieved with education, humor, action, community and aladalove.

And with that we give you: Made With Aladalove

There are many definitions of toxic masculinity but the one that I am focusing on relates more so to this definition according to our trustworthy, scholarly Wikipedia:

The concept of toxic masculinity describes certain socially destructive standards of behavior among men in contemporary American and European society that encourage domination of others, devaluation of women, and emotional stoicism. - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxic_masculinity

Toxic masculinity hurts all of us, including men and boys. Here are some of the ways toxic masculinity fester:

1)The idea that men and young boys can't cry or show "emotion"(though anger is widely accepted), lest they be deemed weak,

2) the idea that men cannot be victims of rape or any other kinds of abuse in fear that this takes away his manhood

3) the idea that manhood is directly associated with his penis, and heterosexual intercourse. Therefore his whole identity is contingent upon it (size, width, etc.).

4) the idea that violence and immature hurtful behavior are "just how men are" as if they incapable of evolving, having common sense a respect and courtesy (almost primitive).

5) the prevalence of homophobia, transphobia and the very real violence that the LGBTQ community are plagued with due to the idea that masculinity is concrete and rigid.

These ideologies and others like them  are not just jokes but behaviors and norms that dictate social constructs, violence and so much more. These acts are often committed against women, the LGBTQ community and other non cis gendered men.

Women often endure the effects of toxic masculinity in many ways such as:

Street harassment

Catcalling is a common way that women endure toxic masculinity. It is often accepted that men who are rejected by women have the right to inflict abuse and pain on her person. For example, it is common that women expect to get cursed out when denying a man's advances. This has been made a joke around hotter seasons. Myself, many girls and women have grown up to cross the street when we see men in the distance or approaching. We have grown up to stay on the phone while walking outside of our homes at night to avoid the conversation of men. We have grown to blast music or simply put headphones in our ears (even if our phones have died) to avoid having a conversation with men. We have grown to position our keys to use as weapons in case were under attack. We have grown to memorize license plates. We have grown to carry mace or use some sort of sharp weapon to protect ourselves. We have grown to be told to "put something on" in our own homes because men are coming over. We have grown to "smile" and feign pleasantries in men's presence lest he becomes upset, rude, belligerent. We have grown to go to places in pairs. We have grown to send a description to a trustworthy person of the clothes we have on, pics of men we're hanging with, types of cars, addresses, locations, etc. All of this to avoid men and their fragile egos.

Sexual assault

Rape, molestation, groping, etc. This happens between strangers, intimate partners, families, in the work place, etc. When we excuse this type of behavior and allow these crimes to take place, we allow toxic masculinity to flourish. This is not to say that sexual assault only happens to women but the majority of people who are effected by sexual assault are women at the hands of men. The laws, the invasive procedures, and the emotional, physical, social and legal difficulties with reporting/not reporting help to allow this to continue as well. This is part of the inherent idea that men have a right to other people's bodies without the other person's consent. Rape culture is a huge component of toxic masculinity, often because it absolves the perpetrator of responsibility and puts the onus on the victims. This includes what they were wearing, what  they said/didn't say, whether they fought the person off, whether they had engaged in sexual acts before instead of putting the responsibility where it belongs, on the person who perpetrated the crime.

More Violence against women

Toxic masculinity has roots in other forms of  violence as well. When a woman denies a man's advances or doesn’t comply with the "rules" of the society, violence is the common answer.

It is not uncommon to hear about intimate partner violence  that results in death because a woman has said no or has stood up for herself.

It is not uncommon to hear about domestic violence and see jokes about domestic violence as a norm.

It is not uncommon for a woman to be spit on, choked, have a drink thrown on her, etc. By some stranger because she did not comply to said man's desires, despite her discomfort, etc.

This is not only reserved for women in sexual or intimate relationships either. This happens within families as well from fathers to mothers, fathers to daughters, uncles to nieces, grandfathers to grandkids and so forth.

Contrary to popular belief, toxic masculinity is not a concept used by women to go against men. It is also recognized by men too. Some of the most common examples are included in this status that I wrote on Facebook, February 27th. It stated:

"Men are scared of other men. This is why men don't want daughters. This is why yall dont ask your guy friends to babysit yall sisters or daughters. This is why yall dont trust yall guy friends to be around yall daughters or girlfriends/wives. This is why yall gotta get the shotgun ready when she goes off to prom. This is why yall swear women shouldn't have worn what she wore or been alone. This is why y'all rather hold the victim accountable for the perpetrators actions then to hold the perpetrator accountable. This is why y'all are afraid to go to jail. Because of other men !"

It is widely accepted that having a daughter is a burden. Many men don’t want daughters on their first try, largely due to the burden of protecting her against other men. Men usually want a son first so that the older brother could protect his younger sister against the advances of other men. Men are willing to use violence first to protect their daughter against these same advances. For example, around prom season, it isn’t uncommon to see pictures of fathers standing next to their daughter’s prom date with shot guns and other rifles in an attempt to intimidate the young man into not harming their daughter. This is often the same threat used when a woman gets married.

Biggie Smalls stated "get my daughter this college plan so she don’t need no man" in his popular song "sky is the limit". This is rooted in the idea that men can be untrustworthy. Men don’t allow other men to change their children, take their children to the bathroom or even allow their children to be left in the care of another man because they are aware of toxic masculinity.

When men go to jail, they aren't afraid of getting insulted or raped by prison guards who are women but the butt of many jokes surrounding prison culture is the idea that men will get raped by other men.

These actions mean that men are aware of other men's common behaviors and try their best to protect their daughters and other women in their immediate family. However, this same care and protection doesn’t extend outside of the family because it is acceptable to badger women on the street or refuse to intervene when its seen anywhere.

Using your penis as a weapon is yet another way toxic masculinity is allowed. People say "suck my d*ck!" As in insult but are homophobic and get upset when women are hesitant to perform oral sex. It is widely regarded that once a woman has sex with a man, she is dirty and she is no longer seen as valuable though a woman having sex with other women isn't taken as serious and they still retain their innocent nature. This dismisses lesbian and women to women relationships because they are not seen as valuable or legit unless a man is or has been involved.

Using female anatomy and effeminate traits to insult people

"you mad pussy!" to state that someone is afraid

"you must be on your period" to state someone is showing an emotion or stating an idea that you disagree with

"Stop acting like a  bitch" - bitch is commonly used to refer to women/females or anything effeminate

Statements like these and one's similar are commonly used to berate and objectify people that don’t fit into cultural masculine standards.

Ending toxic masculinity – there are so many things one can do but here are some of my suggestions.

1) Put the responsibility where it belongs

it is often said that “only boys (lie, cheat, hit women, etc.) However, this is not true. It, in fact, absolves men of the responsibilities they have by comparing their behaviors to children and likening their behavior to immaturity. Men lie, men cheat, men steal, men kill, etc.

2) Don’t be afraid to call out misogyny and toxic masculinity

Challenging your fellow men about their ideologies can be hard but it is not impossible. It can start in the home by revamping certain traditions that uphold toxic masculinity and amongst your group of friends. You can address is in the workplace and in any other spaces where it is prevalent.

3) Don’t enable rape culture - Speak out against people who make excuses for rape. Support people who have been raped, molested, etc. Create a safe space to allow for folks to share their experience and feelings.

4) Stop joking around, spreading memes or content that make violence against women and others okay. Fetishizing it, spreading it and joking around makes it okay to be part of the norm and culture of our society.

Please feel free to comment, share, etc. Let's engage in discussion, start a plan of action and work to end toxic masculinity. Until next time, I leave you with aladalove.

This is a personal blog. Any views or opinions represented in this blog are personal and belong solely to the blog owner and do not represent those of people, institutions or organizations that the owner may or may not be associated with in professional or personal capacity, unless explicitly stated. Any views or opinions are not intended to malign any religion, ethnic group, club, organization, company, or individual.