#THREE separate times to try to get what the 'ten was leading martha on' take was saying and every time it made less and less sense to me

[aq2003]

it is literally canon that Martha stayed with Ten even though she knew he didn’t love her back. she stayed because she was in love with him. you can think whatever you want in fan spaces, but staying with him for love is exactly what she did. Ten was an ass to Martha in so many ways during this season, I think he coped with being the object of her desire (and even bragged about it to Donna).

sorry i'm putting my foot down here. anon we are watching different shows because in the very first episode ten is uncomfortable and shuts her down the minute he catches that martha has an interest in him. he (as stated by david tennant) spends nearly the entire season unaware of her crush. "i don't think he's [aware of her feelings for him]. i don't think he'd do that otherwise. i think he gets aware as the season rumbles on" — but even then, he still has that line in sound of drums where he goes "it's like when you fancy someone and they don't know you exist" to her. you could interpret this in either one of two ways, either he's trying his hardest to ignore her crush and is acting like it doesn't exist, or he honest to god still does not know. and when we're talking about a character that has a famously long history of being not involved in romance or being unaware of standard romantic conventions, the fact that he isn't aware of how she feels (however long that may be, but we know it extends over a majority of their time together) makes much more sense than... i dont even know. going out of your way to make someone fall in love with you but the moment you think she's in love with you you go "what the fuck! don't do that! back off!". like??!? and as someone who has been the object of an unrequited crush from one of my close friends before, it's difficult to look back on this person without thinking about it or feeling guilty over it. this is exactly what the scene with ten and donna reads like to me; they're talking about the relationship ten and martha had and he brings it up bc it's been directly on his mind (he's fucking tactless about it but being tactless is like one of his primary personality traits!). it's one of the reasons she left him! it's the reason why he rejects donna initially before finding out she wasn't interested in him! i'm not trying to say that their relationship was healthy or that s3 ten did nothing wrong or whatever but god will you all kill him for the crimes he actually committed

as for martha, i feel like you're misunderstanding the point i was making about her and i already got into arguments in two separate posts over it so i'll just leave it at "if you think her crush is her only personality trait and the only reason she chooses to stay with ten is /thinking he'll eventually fall in love with her back/ then please get well soon". look at shakespeare code when after ten compares her to rose and says he'll take her back home she sarcastically goes "great!" or at the beginning of gridlock when she goes "ever heard of the word 'rebound'?" (i could write another long post about this line but that's not the point rn) - she isn't having a good time! she knows ten isn't treating her very well! but the reason she doesn't want it to be "just one trip" isn't bc she's romantically pursuing him (which is the point i specifically took issue with) or even bc of her crush, it's bc she knows ten is grieving—he lost his home planet, his people, his kind-of-girlfriend and just needs someone with him and SHE KNOWS THAT! BETTER THAN HE DOES! look at family of blood: she's asked why she's his companion and she answers "because he's lonely". she KNOWS he needs her and as a character established from day 1 to be someone learning to save people for a living i don't think it's a massive stretch to say that she's not 100% in it for herself. if you take the show at face value, it's saying that martha is straight up wasting the years of her life and isn't getting nearly as much out of her friendship with ten the way he is with her. this extends to multiple areas of their relationship. and forgive me if i'm being too fucking bold but "thinking whatever you want in fan spaces" is a mentality you treat shipping with, not "analyzing the character writing of a writer first and foremost known and praised for his character writing"

[yeonchi]

Doctor Who 2021 New Year’s Special Review: Revolution of the Daleks

Air date: 1 January 2021

New Year’s Day is the new Christmas Day for Doctor Who. Two years ago, I was writing the review for the 2019 New Year’s Special, Resolution. One year ago, I was writing the review for the first episode of Series 12, Spyfall Part One (which essentially served as the 2020 New Year’s Special). Today, I'm writing this review for the 2021 New Year’s Special. Whether the change was because of political correctness, low ratings or just to change up the status quo, I think we should be glad that we even have a festive special, unlike the English dubs on Koei Tecmo’s Warriors games.

Amazingly, this special was filmed alongside Series 12 last year and kept on hold to today, meaning that production was largely unaffected by the coronavirus. Even with the anticipation and uncertainty for Series 13, which has already been reduced to eight episodes (with festive special status unknown), this episode serves as a good icebreaker given everything that’s happened in 2020 and the Timeless Child arc of Series 12.

Here is my spoiler-free thought for this episode: “It’s epic, heartbreaking and ridiculous at the same time.”

Spoilers continue after the break. Also, please don’t forget to check out my look at Doctor Who: Lockdown and the hiatusbreaker update for some post-Series 12 review thoughts.

Introduction

Chibnall mentioned that the recon scout Dalek from Resolution give birth to the new Dalek variant that was seen in this episode, thus making this episode a sequel to said episode. As such, this was the case.

367 minutes (about 6 hours) after the Doctor and her extended fam fought the recon scout Dalek at GCHQ, its shell was recovered. Jo Patterson, then Technology Secretary, tipped Jack Robertson (he will be referred to by his surname hereafter to differentiate him from Jack Harkness) off about it and managed to acquire it. After acquiring the plants of car firms that had abandoned Patterson and Rugazzi Technologies, Leo’s company, Robertson had defence drones developed (and 3D printed) based on the design of the Dalek’s shell.

The production of this episode was concluded by April 2020, with Chibnall stating that post-production work was continuing during the lockdown. This was before the death of George Floyd and the Black Lives Matter protests, meaning that the scene showing the testing of the defence drones was likely inspired from the Hong Kong protests. We see people throwing bricks and molotov cocktails, and the Dalek is shown to be fitted with a water cannon, CS gas sprayer and a sonic deterrent. That’s about all the allusion we get - if we had any more then we would have had a serious problem.

Doctor and companions separated

At the end of The Timeless Children, the Doctor was sentenced to life imprisonment in a maximum-security prison, while Graham, Ryan and Yaz were brought back to Earth along with Ravio, Yedlarmi and Ethan. We don’t get to see those three in the episode, sadly.

Over the next ten months, Graham and Ryan had moved on with their lives while Yaz became obsessed with finding the Doctor (yeah, just forget that you have a family and a job as a policewoman lol). Graham shows Yaz some leaked footage of Robertson at the defence drone testing. They go to confront Robertson, but are turned away by his security guards.

Meanwhile, the Doctor had been in prison for decades, accompanied by a Weeping Angel, an Ood, a Sycorax, a Silent and even a Pting. Unbeknownst to her, Captain Jack Harkness had managed to get into the same prison as her, spending 19 years just to get the cell next to her, before making himself known and breaking out of the prison together. The Doctor and Jack head to Graham’s house, where they catch up and set out to find Jack Robertson.

There are a couple of one-to-one scenes that really got me thinking. When Jack and Yaz investigate traces of Dalek DNA in Osaka, they talk about their separation from the Doctor and what their time with the Doctor has changed them into. Jack tells Yaz, “Being with the Doctor, you don’t get to choose when it stops. Whether you leave her, or she leaves you.”

Let’s break that line down with information from the TARDIS Wiki page on companions. There are several ways that a companion can join the Doctor - they stow away on the TARDIS, they were “kidnapped”, or were assigned by higher powers, like UNIT, the Time Lords or the White Guardian. Just like that, there are several ways that companions leave the Doctor - they might choose to leave, the Doctor decides or is forced to leave them behind, or they die.

The interesting thing is that Jack says that they don’t get to choose when they leave. In the case of companions who decided to leave of their own will, you might think it was an easy decision for them, but in truth, there is context behind their motivation to leave. In Series 2, Mickey Smith stayed on Pete’s World to help defeat the Cybermen after that world’s counterpart of himself (Ricky) died and he became increasingly disillusioned with Rose favouring the Doctor over himself. In Series 3, Martha Jones decided to leave the Doctor after seeing her family enslaved by the Master for a year, travelling around the world to get people to think of the Doctor, and realising that her feelings for him would never be reciprocated. In the classic series, Tegan Jovanka left the Fifth Doctor after being sickened by the death and destruction she witnessed. From this, I can deduce that what Jack meant to say isn’t that the companions don’t get to choose when they leave, but that they don’t get to choose the circumstances that lead to them leaving. In some cases, that also applies to the companions who get left behind by the Doctor or killed.

The other one-to-one is between Ryan and the Doctor in the TARDIS. The Doctor apologises to Ryan for leaving him, Graham and Yaz behind for ten months and Ryan tells him that during this time his relationship with his father has improved and that he got to catch up with friends. Ryan asks the Doctor what has changed with her since they last met and the Doctor tells her that she isn’t who she thought she was (that storyline’s never going to go away, isn’t it? Hope to learn about the full story of the Timeless Child in Series 13). This scene really highlights how the companions can be a source of support for the Doctor, just as the Doctor is a source of support for them.

Ryan tells the Doctor that she is the same as she has always been. The Doctor comforts herself by saying that nothing’s changed, but Ryan says that it wasn’t what he meant; things change all the time and we might be scared of the new, but in the end, we have to confront the new, or the old. This bit was definitely made with the Timeless Child twist in mind. Yes, things change (particularly when it comes to Doctor Who), but some changes can be good or bad; just as there are people who saw the Timeless Child twist as good, there are people who saw it as bad (including myself). It’s like what I said in the hiatusbreaker update about The Timeless Children pulling an Ultraman Orb and trying to lessen the impact of the twist when it didn’t make sense and caused more damage than expected.

Human-created Daleks (sort of)

When the recon Dalek’s shell was salvaged, some traces of its DNA remained in it. Since, according to Missy in The Witch’s Familiar, every cell of a Dalek is genetically hardwired to survive, their consciousness can live within the tiniest fragment of their DNA. Leo managed to clone the recon scout Dalek out of those traces and hooked it into the neural network. Disgusted after being shown the creature, Robertson tells Leo to incinerate it, but when he tries to do so, it escapes and takes possession of him. In a way, the recon scout Dalek was resurrected in this episode, but it didn’t feel like the same character.

While hooked into the neural network, the Dalek managed to make more clones of itself using Robertson’s resources, feeding them with the liquefied remains of the people who worked on them. After being confronted by the Doctor and the others, the Dalek uses the UV light to activate the Daleks, transport themselves into the shells that it augmented, then kills Rob and begins subjugating Earth.

Just as Jo Patterson introduces the defence drones in her first speech as Prime Minister, she gets exterminated by them quickly after they are activated. If Jack Robertson is an expy of Donald Trump, then Jo Patterson is an expy of Theresa May - a forgettable Prime Minister whose claim to fame (defence drones for the former, Brexit for the latter) backfired on them. To be honest, when I heard that they would be in this special, I almost thought that they got married or something.

There was a similar situation like this in the Series 3 two-parter, Daleks in Manhattan and Evolution of the Daleks, only this time, the Daleks were more involved. In that story, the Cult of Skaro were attempting to find a way to survive beyond the Dalek shell, to the point of creating Dalek-human hybrids, a new race with the intelligence of Daleks but with the emotions of humans. In both cases, the new Dalek variants were considered impure due to the human elements within them.

I’ve compared this episode to Victory of the Daleks when the trailer came out. With the addition of the conflict between the two Daleks (as I will outline below), there are additional contrasts to the Seventh Doctor story Remembrance of the Daleks and the Big Finish Eighth Doctor audio story Blood of the Daleks.

The nuclear option

With thousands of defence drone Daleks on the move and no weapons to deal with them, the Doctor seems to do the only thing she can think of that doesn’t involve destroying the Earth ala the Moment (which was what I was thinking) - signal a ship of Death Squad Daleks (SAS Daleks, but more brutal) to Earth to deal with the impure defence drones.

The two groups of Daleks confront each other on a bridge (specifically the Clifton Suspension Bridge in Bristol). After seeing his Daleks get exterminated, Robertson takes his nuclear option - part with the Doctor and side with the Daleks. That’s right, Jack Robertson does an Utsumi (Nariaki Utsumi from Build, if you didn’t know) and sides with a race that would kill him the first chance they got. Give him a cane to break and we would have gotten the first tokusatsu meme in Doctor Who.

For someone who seems to be so obsessed with protecting himself (normally by using other people), I must say that this was a strange step for Robertson to take. Given that Robertson is an expy of Trump, one can only wonder what Chibnall and people like him think of Trump. Would Trump sell himself or humanity out to invading aliens? Personally, I don’t think he’d be stupid enough to do so. I think he’d bomb them with everything he has.

Robertson convinces the Daleks to take them aboard their ship and meet their commander. Meanwhile, Jack, Graham and Ryan board the ship and plant explosives on it. Graham tries to get Ryan to fistbump him, but he just tells him to “stop talking weird”. We’re back, fellow kids. Missed us?

Robertson tells the Daleks that the Doctor summoned them. The original Dalek returns and offers to be purified, only to be exterminated. Graham, Ryan and Jack find Robertson and they get off the ship together just as it is destroyed.

The Doctor floats her TARDIS in the sky among the Daleks and lures them inside, which would normally be an impossible feat if it weren’t for the fact that it isn’t actually the Doctor’s TARDIS, but the other TARDIS from earlier. She sets it to fold in on itself and send itself to the heart of the Void, thereby destroying them.

Soon after that, Robertson claims that he was acting as a decoy and so, he is lauded as the saviour of humanity. A honorary knighthood and a revived presidential run is mentioned after the toxic waste scandal (Arachnids in the UK) ruined his previous attempt. This is where my comparison to Utsumi weakens - Utsumi pledged himself to Evolto so that he could find a way to bring him down, but there doesn’t seem to be any ulterior motive in Robertson’s actions. Frankly, I’m surprised that he wasn’t exterminated at all.

Parting ways (for now)

By the time Graham and Ryan return to the TARDIS, Jack has left and is on his way to see Gwen Cooper, who has apparently had another child, a son. Honestly, his departure feels quite lackluster.

The Doctor offers to take the fam to a restaurant apparently named the Meringue Galaxy, but Ryan decides to leave the Doctor since he believes that his friends and planet need him. Graham struggles to decide, but in the end, he decides to leave with Ryan, leaving the Doctor and Yaz on the TARDIS. The Doctor gives them some psychic paper as a parting gift.

The final scene is a throwback to the beginning of The Woman Who Fell to Earth. Graham is helping Ryan ride his bike when they bring up some strange incidents around the world, like a troll invasion in Finland or gravel creatures in Korea. Ryan begins riding his bike one more time when they see Grace looking back at them in the distance. This is the last episode where Ryan’s dyspraxia is explored. Shame Chibnall never managed to do a lot with it.

We’ve known that Graham and Ryan would be leaving the series for months now, and we’ve also known that there would be opportunities for them to return. Let’s hope we see them again in Series 13.

Going back to my discussion about companions leaving, the major factor in Ryan and Graham’s decision to leave was that they had spent ten months away from the Doctor and unlike Yaz, they had already moved on with their lives. Additionally, for Graham, he doesn’t want to leave Ryan given the relationship they built up during their time with Doctor and possibly also for fear of abandoning Ryan, given how his father wasn’t there for him previously. This doesn’t feel as deep compared to other companions’ motives for leaving the Doctor, but it’s still quite deep.

At the end of Can You Hear Me?, we see Ryan talking to Yaz about spending their lives with the Doctor and forgetting everyone back home. I’d always thought that the human element of being a companion was annoying, but we have to remember that companions are people too and they had their own lives before they met the Doctor.

Other general thoughts

I know this is kind of irrelevant given that this episode was produced at the end of 2019, but could Leo be considered an Uncle Tom for inventing something designed to suppress protesters? By the way, don’t let China know about this or we’re all screwed, even in Hong Kong or Taiwan.

Jack gets a gold star for rescuing the Doctor. That puts Jack and Graham at 10 points and Yaz and Ryan at 20.

Jack also has his sonic blaster back as well. Will Jack also be back for Series 13? We’ll just have to see it to believe it.

The title cards are jarring again. Can the production team not be inconsistent with their fonts?

I swear, all the Yaz favouritism in the last two series must have given her Stockholm syndrome. Who’s to say that Mandip Gill wanted to leave, but Chibnall asked her to stay?

Taking a look at the designs for the Daleks, the defence drones are alright. They glow a bluish-white colour normally, but they glow red and shoot red beams when the Dalek creatures took control of them. You could probably mistake them for being red in the dark, which is highlighted when they are shown shooting people in the streets. As for the Death Squad Daleks, they’re basically just the basic bronze Daleks, including their leader. They should’ve brought back the multicoloured New Paradigm Daleks just so the Death Squad Daleks could be differentiated from ordinary Daleks.

Following the premiere of this episode, a new companion was announced for Series 13, with John Bishop playing the role of Dan. Honestly, with the Timeless Child mystery still looming and the lack of character development for Yaz, a new companion is the last thing this series needs, particularly since Series 13 would be Jodie Whittaker’s third series and possibly, her final one (if we’re going by previous Doctors). At the moment, Bishop is currently isolating after being tested positive for the coronavirus. I wish him well and look forward to seeing him in Series 13.

The reduced number of episodes in Series 11 or 12 may have contributed to the lack of focus on Ryan’s dyspraxia or character development on Yaz, but that’s no excuse. Chibnall had plenty of opportunities to factor them in, but he was too focused on not having a story arc in Series 11 and destroying canon in Series 12 to even think about it (Graham and Ryan got more character development in those two series than Yaz did). Now that Series 13 has been reduced to eight episodes (not counting the possibility of a split series or another New Year’s Special out of the eight), I fear that Chibnall won’t have enough opportunity to factor in Dan’s character development with Yaz’s character development, the Timeless Child, Ruth and/or the Master, particularly when he delegates half of the series to other writers and does very few good things in the remaining episodes he writes (or co-writes). Honestly, Series 11 and 12 felt like a waste of time in some aspects.

Summary and verdict

Like I said at the start, this episode acted as a good icebreaker in the long break between series. However, ever since my red-pilling in The Timeless Children, I’ve started to see this series in a new light, particularly with the help of YouTubers like Bowlestrek or Nerdrotic. Despite this, I’m reluctant to hop on the #RIPDoctorWho bandwagon because we still don’t have the full details for the Timeless Child arc, so I’m reserving most of my judgement until we get it.

Most of the episode was good, but the ridiculous part for me was when Robertson Utsumi’d himself and somehow managed to survive. Jack’s departure felt lackluster, Ryan and Graham’s departure felt lackluster to other companions’ departures and Jo Patterson was just... ehh. Let’s not forget that we didn’t see or hear a mention of the surviving humans from the previous episode because Chibnall just forgot about them.

Rating: 6/10 Series 12 total: 77/100 (77%) Series 12 total with Revolution of the Daleks: 83/110 (75%)

Overall, this special brought down my total score for Series 12, but it still did slightly better compared to Series 11. If it weren’t for Jack Harkness, my score for the episode would have been lower. Robertson, being a Trump expy, essentially represented all the SJW red flags in this episode; pointing them out is unnecessary at this point given my red-pilling.

That’s it for my review of the New Year’s Special. There is a certainty that Series 13 will premiere this year, so the next time I return with another review will presumably be in late 2021. As long as Jodie Whittaker is the Doctor, my mission to review her episodes will continue. Follow me on Facebook and/or Tumblr and keep an eye out for my future posts, Doctor Who-related or otherwise, such as the Kisekae Insights series where I give insights on my personal project, which was heavily influenced by Doctor Who.

Stay safe and I’ll see you then.

[atths--twice]

Wedding Countdown 

Chapter One 

Tuesday, One Week To Go

This chapter begins the lead up to their wedding. I honestly never thought much about Mulder and Scully getting married, until last year. After the finale, the separation, coming back together, having another baby ... I see them having a change of heart/mind about getting married. No reason would anyone need to be married simply because they have a baby, but I just think they would consider marriage after all that has happened in the past.

I hope you enjoy this story, I have had an amazingly fun time planning this fictional wedding. All of it has made me happy to imagine them doing this.

This story will be a chapter a day. You need the build up and Jesus... it’s just so sweet... 

11a/15

“Here we go,” the woman said with a smile, causing Mulder to look up from the necklaces he was admiring, smiling as he walked toward her.

“Great,” he grinned, as he saw the small gold ring on the cloth covered board in her hands. She set it down, and he picked up the ring. Turning it, he saw the inscription he had ordered and he grinned. “It’s perfect, thank you so much, Martha. It looks wonderful.” She grinned at him, and he smiled back at her.

“The font you picked looks perfect in it too, with it being such a delicate band,” she said, as she looked at it with him. “She’ll love it.” He nodded, still grinning. Setting it down, he looked at her again, and laughed softly.

“Thank you for all your help, truly. Now, let’s see about a box. Oh, also there was something else I wanted to check out,” he said, as they began to search for the perfect ring box.

Ten minutes later, he had the ring in a small antique oval box. It was leather and nearly slate blue in color, with tiny gemstones around the top and bottom edge. The cream color inside made him think of Faith’s bedroom walls. He knew it was the right box as soon as he saw it. He also bought a pair of cufflinks to wear for the wedding, and he could not stop grinning as he left the store.

Getting in the car, he set his items down on the passenger seat. He waved to Martha as she stood in the doorway of the shop, and she smiled and waved back. Heading down the road, he could not stop smiling as he glanced at the bag beside him.

The day he picked out Scully’s engagement ring, he also chose a simple delicate gold band to go with it. They were not an actual set, but they fit well and looked good together. He laughed as he realized the same could be said of the two of them, so the rings he picked, had been fitting.

After Scully said yes, he decided he wanted the wedding ring engraved with something special to him. He thought about it for awhile, finally settling on the perfect thing. He took the ring back to Martha and they discussed options, coming up with the perfect font and placement for the inscription. She had not asked what the significance was, even though he knew she wanted to know. He kept it to himself, however, and he smiled again, happy with how it all turned out.

Lost in his thoughts, the sign for a salad and sandwich place they liked, came into view. Pulling over, he parked the car with the plan to call Scully, and see what she would like to eat. His gaze landed on the bag of items as he turned off the car. Reaching for it, he took out the ring box once more, needing to see it. He took out the ring and held it, reading the inscription again.

January 1999 … March 2018

He smiled as he thought of the significance of the dates to him. He told Scully in an email a few years ago, that January of ‘99 was when he knew beyond any doubt that she was it for him forever. Of course he knew it already, but when she had been paired with Agent Ritter, and subsequently shot by him. Without Mulder there by her side to help her, it had been a wake up call.

A gunshot to her stomach, a long surgery to wait through with the anger inside him building as he watched Agent Ritter pacing across the waiting area with Scully’s blood, literally and figuratively on his hands. He nearly lost her, and he was ready to beat Agent Ritter to death for the hurt and pain he caused Scully.

She healed, surprisingly quickly, to the astonishment of her doctors. Agent Ritter apologized and then hightailed it out of the hospital when he saw and heard Mulder’s anger. Once he was gone, Mulder did not give him another thought, his focus only on Scully.

Visiting her, staying in a nearby hotel to remain close, bringing her flowers and silly things from the gift shop, he tried to tell her what he could not yet vocalize, his fear and worry too close to the surface. Instead, he tried to make her laugh, told her outlandish stories that made her roll her eyes, and challenged her to different card games to which he gladly accepted defeat when she beat him every single time.

Her mother would have done it, but he insisted on taking her home when she was well enough to leave. He even went so far as to drive her the long distance back home, allowing her to be more comfortable in a car, instead of cramped in an airplane.

Watching her, as she lay in the passenger seat, softly singing along with the radio, he fell over the edge he had been teetering on, and he did not look back. He loved her and he knew it, he just needed to wait and find the right way and time to tell her.

It took them a few years to arrive where they had inevitably always been headed, but the realization was enough to stick with him as the moment. His eye-opening moment being symbolic enough, that he put it on a ring she would now wear forever.

March 2018, he thought with a smile, when they finally got their shit together. Two years apart. Two years that nearly broke him, and would have done so were it not for the love and support of Mrs. Scully. He shook his head as he thought of all she did for him during those years, when he was not always sure which way was up.

Two years apart and then two years thrown back together, working side-by-side at the bureau but not being together. Two years of seeing her, watching her smile, smelling her familiar scent, but unable to touch or kiss her. Some days he was not sure if it was worse to be apart, or close enough to touch but unable to do so. Two goddamn years being right beside her before she came to him after a bad dream and laid beside him. On that night, she spoke of her fears in the hope he would assuage them, before turning to him with the smile he had missed for nearly four years. The one that held secrets but also answered any questions he could ever think to ask.

Then, the night in the church, the one in which they would be married in a weeks time, they put it all on the line, every worry, fear, and hope. They cried and began the journey back to one another. The past would stay in the past. No more darkness, only honesty and openness.

He shook his head and sighed, looking at the words and dates again, before putting the ring safely back in the box and reaching for his phone. As he did, it beeped with a message from Scully, causing him to shake  his head. Their connection was so strong that it blew his mind.

Are you planning to return home to your hungry family anytime soon?  

He read the message upon unlocking the phone, finding a picture of a grinning Faith, and a skeptical eyebrowed Scully below it. He grinned as he quickly typed out a response.

Just pulled into Lulu’s. ❤️ You want the usual?

He watched the ellipsis, waiting for her answer. Three drooling emoji faces appeared, and he laughed. Putting his phone and the small bag in his pocket, he went inside and ordered their food. As he waited for it, he took out his phone and looked at the picture of them again. He smiled as he saved it and then set it as his wallpaper.

He looked at Scully’s expression, one he had seen a million times. Then he looked at Faith, and her beautiful cheesy grin. She loved to see herself as they took pictures. It always made her laugh, which ensured they would get a good photo of her.

God, he thought, shaking his head, his love for them immeasurable.

His order number was called and he took the bags of food out to the car. Setting them on the backseat, he placed the iced teas in the cup holders, and headed for home.

He turned on the radio, set to some station Scully seemed to like a lot these days. It was not his usual choice for music, but it was mellow enough that it had the added bonus of putting Faith to sleep. It gave them a chance to sit and talk, watching the sun go down, or make out as they had done one night, just as the stars came out.

Sitting in the driveway, Scully had taken off her seat belt, looked over the car seat, making sure Faith was indeed asleep, and then climbed into his lap and kissed him senseless.

He had just gotten to second base, when Faith had woken up and demanded to get out of her car seat with a loud cry. Scully had kissed him once more, taken his hand from inside her bra, whispered ‘soon’ in his ear, climbed off his lap and got out of the car.

He had stayed outside in the car while they went into the house, needing to wait and join them until he could walk comfortably. When he had finally walked in, Scully had laughed, but her eyes had flashed with desire when they met his, and he had known soon would be worth the wait.

He chuckled as he thought that while not his favorite radio station, he would not complain about it when it meant they experienced moments like that together. When her kiss made his blood race and her desire for him caused him to forget to breathe for a second.

He shook his head as a new song started, one he faintly recognized, and he turned up the volume, trying to see if he did know it.

She's a whistle on the wind

A feather on the breeze

A ripple on the stream

She is sunlight on the sea

She's a soft summer rain

Falling gently through the trees

And I love her

He exhaled and smiled, turning it up a bit more as he listened more intently.

She's cunning as a fox

Clever as a crow

Solid as a rock

She is stubborn as a stone

She's a hardheaded woman

And the best one that I know

And I love her

Yeah, well I love her

God, this could be written for Scully, he thought with a shake of his head. Everything said described her perfectly: hardheaded and yet the best woman he knew … that was his Scully.

She's as new as the springtime

Strong as autumn blows

Warm as the summer

And soft as the snow

She's a thousand miles from here

But she's everywhere I go

'Cause I love her

She loves me like a woman

She looks like a lady

She laughs like a child

And cries like a baby

I think that maybe she's the one that's gonna save me

He exhaled again, taking a deep breath as he shook his head, and blinked his suddenly wet eyes. Laughing softly at himself, he sped up, eager to get home to the woman who had indeed saved him.

A thousand times over.

________________________________

In case anyone was wondering about the song, it is called And I Love Her by Passenger. It’s such a beautiful song and it fits them so perfectly. 

[taylorfiction]

Wallflower

part 1

this is part 2!!! i know it’s been ages and i’m so unbelievably sorry i started college and there was an influx of work and then i got ill and suff but i hope this makes up for it enjoy!! give me feedback as always bbs xx

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“ I want you all to myself Don't leave none for nobody else I am an animal with you No angels could beckon me back And it's hotter than hell where I'm at I am an animal with you ,, Animal - Troye Sivan

‘Are you sure about this Mum?’ I ask as I slip my earrings in my ear in front of the mirror in the entrance to the flat, I look over at her briefly as she sits on the sofa, raising my eyebrows at her in question.

‘I’ve already told you it’s fine just don’t come barging in at 3am because Lilly and I will not appreciate it,’ she laughs a little at the end but I know what she means, don’t become that reckless young girl again.

I nod my head and turn back to the mirror, checking my eyeshadow and lipstick and hair before I turn back to her, ‘How do I look?’

She stands up and takes slow steps towards me, the smile on her face broadens and she twirls her finger as if to imply I should turn around. And so I did. Not that there was much to see, ‘Gosh, I haven’t seen you this dressed up since you went out for your annual work dinner three months ago at Christmas,’ she raised her eyebrows at me while I shook my head.

‘Yeah okay, we get it, everyone’s is excited because Taylor’s going outside,’ I laugh a little before I walk over to my bag, my heels clicking on the hardwood floor, and check I have everything I need; purse, phone and lipstick.

Just as I close my purse, my phone vibrates and i pull it out to see Martha’s text, telling me that they are waiting in the foyer for me to come downstairs. I take a breath as I realise none of them are going to shut up about how I’m actually coming out with them and how I need to come out more and how i always miss out on things. Things being the guys that they always find.

‘Okay Martha says they’re all waiting so I’m gonna go now,’ I step forward and give my mum one final hug, cherishing the feeling of her arms as I normally do, ‘I promise I’ll try and be home before one,’ I smile at her again before walking to the door only stopping when my mother says,

‘Taylor, Don’t forget to have fun,’ Her smile was timid and I nod my head in response, she knew that I was a always worrying about Lilly.

I walk down to the foyer to see three anxious looking girls staring at the stairs that were empty a part from me, ‘She actually showed up! You owe me twenty Hadid,’ Karlie held her hand out waiting for Gi to comply, who sighed at her loss.

‘Can you just let me buy you drinks tonight?’ she begged with a small smile still on her face,

‘I’m hoping, if everything goes to plan,’ Karlie winks at me before continuing, ‘none of us will have to buy many of our drinks tonight, so yes, you can,’ she nods firmly before she walks towards the exit with us trailing slightly behind her.

‘Okay one.  How come you guys have like zero faith in me? Two. Wait what plan? Am I meant to know something?’ I ask everyone, confident that it’s just me that’s the dumb one.

‘Um well how many times have you bailed and used Lilly as an excuse? Oh and the plan is we are four hot twenty-something ladies and men seem to like those’ Martha winks at me, like Karlie did, as she finishes and then waits for my response.

‘Um I am Lilly’s mother remember-‘ I try and start but am cut off by Gigi,

‘Where is your mother right now Swift?’ she leans forwards slightly as she walks so she can look at me past Martha and raise her eyebrows.

I lower my head, all of us knowing my mother would happily mind Lilly any day of the week, it was just me that was too scared to go out, before mumbling, ‘Looking after Lilly,’

‘Yeah that’s what I thought sis,’ Gi finishes, smirking at how she busted me.

‘Also, that is a terrible plan, you have me with you this time and I’m, not exactly, party material’ I comment

‘Taylor,’ Karlie sighs, ‘you don’t have to be ‘party material’ for guys to want to get in your pants,’ she slows down her walk so she’s next to me and can talk without having to yell.

‘I don’t want guys to get in my pants!’ I exclaim, snapping my head in her direction, alarm bells suddenly ringing.

‘The operative word was ‘want to get in your pants’ Taylor, they won’t actually,’ Karlie laughs at me before carrying on, ‘When was the last time you came drinking with us?’

‘It was Last year’ Martha says before I can make up any excuse.

‘Well T, rules are; tell one of us if you leave with a guy, get as drunk as possible and the first person who makes out with a guy gets a free drink on the rest of us, Martha is now excluded because although she refuses to admit it, she and James are more than just seeing each other,’ Karlie nods at me while raising her eyebrows as if she was expecting me to laugh at her. I did, while Martha sighed loudly which made us all smile even more.

‘Oh my god, you have rules? You guys are all nerds but can we add, ‘no mentioning the four-year-old to any guy, it normally scares people,’ I laugh a little at the end to make it lighter but it still hurts that people judge me for it.

We reach the entrance of the bar as they all murmur and nod in agreement to my extra rule. We sit at four of the bar stools and Gigi instantly calls for four vodka shots and places the cash on the counter for the guy serving. The three of them each pick up a glass, ready to down it, hesitating as they saw me just looking at it.

‘Do not make me hold your jaw open while Martha pours it into your mouth Swift,’

‘Ugh fine,’ I pick up the glass and we all clink them gently, careful not to spill too much of it, all four of us throw our heads back as we swallow it and all four of us wince at the taste.

My stomach feels slightly warmer, and I start to feel happier to be there we all order separate drinks, mine being vodka-diet coke, and start our normal banter-y conversation. Within that first ten minutes, a Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome approached Gi and asked her for a dance, of course she went for it.

A few minutes later Karlie is convinced by an equally tall man, however his hair is a reddish-brown this time, to join the dance floor, she smirks as she looks back at us while being led away from the bar.

And yet again, five minutes after Karlie is stolen from us, James, the guy who Martha is ‘seeing’, steals her from me as well.

‘James I swear to god, you’re always taking her from me these days, stop it, I need her’

Both of them laugh at my reaction before they wander off together, probably to go make out somewhere because they seem to do that a lot.

I watch them all grinding and dancing wildly with random guys and I can’t help but laugh at how adorable they all are when they’re trying to impress someone, I look down at my drink, expecting there to still be liquid in it, but alas, there wasn’t.

I sigh and turn back around so I’m facing the shelves of liquor and the bar-man that is washing glasses and making drinks and chatting and everything that bar-men are meant to do. Before I could call him over to order another I hear a deep voice from beside me

‘Can I buy you another one of those?’ I turn to him and smile sweetly,

Oh god what do I say, what do I do, just accept it Taylor, be normal for god’s sake

‘Yes, a vodka-diet coke, thank you’ I nod at him and watch him as he calls the bar-man over and orders my drink and then pays for it. He was hot. Blonde hair. Tall. My type. Not that I really had a type because it had been that long. But it used to be my type. Before Lilly came along.

‘So, do you have a name I can call you? or...?’ he fades out with a smirk left resting on his face

‘Oh yes, aha sorry, I’m Taylor, it’s lovely to meet you’ I held my hand out for him to shake and he laughed at my formalities.

‘I’m Joe,’ he winks at me to go along with his smirk and I can feel my cheeks redden slightly. I pick up the new drink and take a sip in hopes that if I embarrass myself in front of this incredibly attractive guy I won’t remember it because I will be too drunk.

‘So Joe, what do you do?’ I ask, only realising now that my words had a hint of a slur due to the amount of alcohol I had consumed.

‘I’m a fitness instructor,’ he takes a sip of his own drink as I nod

‘So you got a great set of abs under that shirt then?’ He laughs loudly at my overly open comment, God I’m gonna regret this tomorrow.

‘I’m not sure great is the word,’ he’s humble as well, I like it, I think before I tune back into what he’s saying, ‘And what do you do Miss Taylor?’

I’m a mum.

‘I’m an assistant at an accounting firm, it’s very exciting I know’ I roll my eyes, my voice dripping with sarcasm which makes him laugh. My stomach does a little flip.

I don’t know what it is about his smirk or his wink or his adorable smile lines but there was something familiar about everything about him, maybe he was in a news paper one time or did some modelling at some point, he did have, I assume, great abs after all.

‘So would you like to dance?’ he held out his hand for me to take and it took me a second before I shook my head at him, ‘Nah I think I’m gonna stay at the bar where my alcohol is,’ I shrugged my shoulders at him.

Maybe I was holding back because of Lilly or maybe it was because I found him slightly too familiar but whatever it was I knew that I didn’t want to dance because it would lead to him wanting more than that.

‘Very well but if you change your mind you’ll know where I’ll be’ he winked once more at me before he walked away a smirk still clearly on his face. That god damn smirk would get anyone into trouble.

I watched him as he integrated himself into the mass of dancing bodies, talking to girls and clearly wooing them with his hair and his smile and his slightly too tight shirt. I didn’t realise that I was staring until I felt someone tap me on the shoulder.

Gigi.

‘You know in cartoons when the character is really hungry and objects suddenly turn into giant delicious looking meals?’ she asked me and my attention was snapped from Joe to her raised eyebrows.

‘Oh him? No’ I scoffed at her, jokingly shoving her shoulder slightly.

At that point Karlie sauntered over, both of them clearly done with the guys they’d found earlier on.

‘Why are Gigi’s eyebrows so raised?’ she asked me, that cheeky smile on her face and her cheeks slightly flushed.

‘Taylor saw some eye-candy which she was planning on staring at all night’ Gi responded.

’He’s not eye-candy, I was not staring and his name is Joe!’ I defended, which probably wasn’t the best idea as their eyebrows seemed to get even higher.

‘Oh so you’ve talked to him and then let me guess, rejected him?’ Karlie burst out.

I let my head fall as I sighed loudly before responding, ‘Yes, we chatted and I found out he’s a very flirty fitness instructor’ I paused as I met their eyes again ‘who I decided not to dance with’

They both sighed at me and Karlie’s arms managed to fold in front of her chest, ’Why do we even bother,’ she said to Gi who shook her head in response before saying,

‘I honestly don’t know,’

‘I’m sorry!! He just seemed creepily familiar and I just couldn’t because I’m not very good at the whole flirting thing and every time someone asks me what I do for work I want to say ‘mum’ but I can’t because then they’ll like freak out and so there’s no point even trying,’ I raise my hands in defence, hoping they’ll finally get the memo.

If I was sober I wouldn’t be saying this.

‘Oh T, if you don’t put yourself out there you’ll never know,’ Karlie said, unfolding her arms and rubbing my shoulder slightly

‘That’s it I’m buying you another drink lets get sad and drunk,’ Gigi responded, perching herself on the stool next to me rather than standing,

‘Imma go find Martha and see if she’s abandoned us for her ‘ ‘not-boyf’ boyf yet’ Karlie skipped off once more so it was just me and the friend I had had for around 6 years.

‘You okay?’ she asked as she handed me a re-fill of my vodka-diet coke and I nodded my head as I took a sip.

‘Babe,’ she said, a more serious note to her voice.

‘I think so’ I gave in finally, pausing before starting again, ‘Don’t get me wrong I love having Lilly, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a dumbass party animal at 19, and I don’t even know who the father is! Because I got that drunk!’ I sighed, letting my head rest on the bar in frustration, even if it was slightly sticky from spilt drinks.

When I lifted my head back up our eyes met and I could see the sorrow in her eyes, she felt bad for me, I sighed and looked at the drink in front of me.

Fuck it.

I picked up the glass and downed the golden liquor, my nineteen-year-old self would be proud, I felt the warmth in my stomach spread as I put the empty glass back on the bar and asked the bar-man for another

‘Okay but that’s your last one!’ Gi warned me as she had just witnessed the events of me being possessed by my younger self.

At that moment Karlie came back, Martha no where to be seen implying that she had already gone back to James’ house. Didn’t take long.

A look passed between my two best friends and Karlie proceeded to raise her eyebrows at me, ‘I downed my drink, get over it,’ I shrugged my shoulder in my drunken state and started to sip at the brand new one that was in front of me.

‘Do we need to get her back to Andrea at some point?’ Karlie poised her question to Gi, as if I wasn’t even there anymore.

‘Yes, we do and after she’s finished that we need to get her to leave, we’ll buy some water on the way home,’ they continued their ‘not-private’ private conversation.

They watched me take every sip of my drink occasionally commenting on how they never knew that I had the capacity to get drunker than them. Well I clearly did. Lilly existed.

I knew the minute I had finished it they would try and usher me out that’s why my drunken state thought it would be a good idea to leave a bit in the glass and then go and dance, ‘I’m gonna go dance with my new friend Joe,’ I slurred, stumbling slightly as I got up,

I heard both of them try and tell me to stop but I ignored them as I wandered, stumbled, towards him.

There was one step between us before I tripped over my own feet and landed on him, he laughed as he helped me up and I let go of his arm, ‘You come for that dance?’ that fucking smirk.

‘maybe’ I slurred and he laughed again before joining me in getting lost in the music. His hands held mine as we danced, only so I didn’t fall over, but still, a guy’s hands were in mine. I knew my friends were probably happy and annoyed at the same time but I didn’t care, I would most definitely regret it in the morning, but it was fun right now.

I lost track of time as we swayed and he laughed at my weird dance moves. All I knew is that his smile was lighting up the room and his eyes were leaving my heart pumping a little bit faste-

‘Okay sorry to break up the party, but we,’ Karlie gestured to her and Gigi as Martha had already gone home with James, ‘need to get her,’ she pointed at me before continuing, ‘home.’

--

I woke up and the headache behind my eyes was like a child let loose with paints. Chaos. I didn’t remember getting home last night but I must’ve because I was in my own bed and in my own night things. At least I didn’t have anyone beside me.

I cracked my eyes open and winced at the bright light before I looked to my bedside table to see the glass of water and Advil laying there. Yum.

I love my mum.

My phone lay next to them both and I picked it up just to check if any of the others had messaged me. They hadn’t. Probably because they were asleep.

But I did have a text.

It read:

‘Hi, it’s Joe, we traded numbers when I got you girls a taxi in your drunken states last night, hope that’s okay and I hope you got home okay,’

Oh boy.

[techcrunchappcom]

New Post has been published on https://techcrunchapp.com/will-republicans-ditch-trump-to-save-the-senate-as-support-nosedives-the-guardian/

Will Republicans ditch Trump to save the Senate as support nosedives? - The Guardian

Hispanic supporters of Donald Trump sat around the cabinet table, lavished him with praise and promised: “We will rebuild America with you, and we will make America great again.” For a moment, in his self-affirming White House bubble, it seemed the US president remained master of his destiny.

But when reporters questioned him, Trump answered only one. Then he was done. A White House staffer bellowed forcefully at the assembled media: “Let’s go! Let’s go! Keep going! Let’s go! Come on, we’re done! Let’s go!” It was a sign of how the president has become less indulgent of unfriendly media questions than when he thought he was riding high.

Trump is in trouble. The coronavirus has killed more than 130,000 Americans, tens of millions of people have lost their jobs and there has been a tectonic cultural shift for racial justice. Opinion polls suggest he is the worst-placed incumbent since Jimmy Carter was hammered by Ronald Reagan in 1980, leaving his Republican party somewhere between anxiety and panic about November’s elections for the White House and Congress.

“The mood is like probably what it felt like when you were on the Titanic,” said Joe Walsh, a former congressman from Illinois. “These cowardly Republicans in the Senate and House know Trump’s going to get destroyed in November but they’re tied to him and they’re gonna go down with him and they have no choice, and I think they realise that.”

The sinking ship metaphor comes up again and again among Republicans interviewed by the Guardian and other media outlets.

Biden leads Trump by 52% to 40% in a Guardian/Opinium Research poll conducted in late June. Numerous other polls agree the Democrat has a double-digit lead and, crucially, put him ahead in six battleground states. Two in three people now disapprove of Trump’s handling of the pandemic, according to an ABC News/Ipsos poll, with the percentage of Republicans who approve sinking from 90% in mid-June to 78% now.

Nothing is going right for the president. A campaign rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma, last month was a flop with thousands of empty seats. Another rally planned for Portsmouth, New Hampshire, on Saturday night has been postponed due to weather. From his basement, Biden has outraised Trump in fundraising for the past two months in a row.

The president has even failed to brand his opponent with a pejorative nickname that sticks.

Amy Walter, national editor of Cook Political Report, wrote this week: “This election is looking more like a Democratic tsunami than simply a blue wave … Republican strategists we’ve spoken with this week think Trump is close to the point of no return. A couple of others wondered if Trump had reached his ‘Katrina’ moment: a permanent loss of trust and faith of the majority of voters.”

The Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell, wears a mask this week as he listens to Donald Trump, who by contrast goes uncovered. Photograph: Kevin Dietsch/EPA

She added: “In talking with strategists on both sides last week, it’s also clear that Trump is dragging Republican congressional candidates with him as well.”

Indeed, Republicans realise they could lose everything, with the presidency and Senate following the House of Representatives, which they surrendered in 2018. The Senate is critical. If Republicans can retain their majority, they will be able to obstruct significant parts of the Democratic agenda, just as they did for much of Barack Obama’s presidency.

Senators Susan Collins of Maine, Joni Ernst of Iowa, Cory Gardner of Colorado, Martha McSally of Arizona and Thom Tillis of North Carolina are all trailing in polls. Even leading Trump loyalists Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham face stiff challenges from Democratic opponents raising huge funds in Kentucky and South Carolina respectively.

Walsh, who unsuccessfully challenged Trump for the 2020 Republican nomination, said: “I can tell you, publicly and privately conversations I’ve had, they’re scared shitless, all of them, any Senate Republican on the ballot. I mean, forget about Colorado, it’s done. Arizona is done. I think Maine is done. Joni Ernst in Iowa is almost done. Every race is going to be competitive. Democrat Doug Jones has got a fighter’s chance of winning in Alabama. Lindsey Graham is in serious trouble and they all know it.”

It is an astonishing turnaround in less than a year as the political and business worlds have lost confidence in Trump. A Citigroup poll of 140 fund managers last December found 70% expected him to win re-election, but last week 62% said they expect Biden to prevail. That once-impenetrable Republican strongholds such as Arizona, Iowa and South Carolina are now in play is a measure of how much has changed.

Tara Setmayer, a former Republican communications director on Capitol Hill, said: “The people who pay attention to the numbers internally are very worried and they’re spending money in places that they never imagined they’d have to allocate resources like New Hampshire, like Georgia, like South Carolina.

“Politics on a national level is a numbers game. When you have to start spending money in states that were reliably red one cycle ago, you’re in trouble. Clearly Trump is haemorrhaging support in areas that he needs to win again. His margin of victory was so narrow last time that he cannot afford to lose anyone, so the alarms are definitely sounding within the Republican party despite Donald Trump’s proclamations on Twitter that he has overwhelming Republican support.”

Will Republicans finally disown Trump in an attempt to save themselves? Collins has refused to say how she plans to vote in November, telling the New York Times that she will not campaign against Biden, a former Senate colleague. She is also among several senators who have said they will not attend next month’s Republican national convention to renominate Trump in Jacksonville, Florida.

Elaine Kamarck, a senior fellow in governance studies at the Brookings Institution thinktank in Washington, argues that with every drop in the polls, the cracks in the Republican party grow bigger. “What generally happens in a situation like this is that people just start going their own way,” she said.

“They just start differentiating themselves from an unpopular president. They start saying, ‘I work with Democrats,’ or ‘I don’t agree with everything the president says’. They start signalling to the electorate that they’re different. If the trends keep going as they have, the ultimate messaging will be: vote to keep the Senate Republican so we can protect against the worst policies that Joe Biden might try to enact.”

But there are more than three months until election day. Trump’s base remains fervent. His campaign argues that in this year’s Republican primaries he has set a record for most votes ever cast for an incumbent president. And he defied the party’s prophets of doom in 2016.

Senator Susan Collins has said she will not campaign against Joe Biden. Photograph: Rex/Shutterstock

Tim Miller, former communications director for Jeb Bush and ex-spokesman for the Republican National Committee, recently interviewed nine campaign consultants for Republican candidates in Senate and House races for Rolling Stone magazine. Although the unnamed individuals expressed views such as “Every shred of evidence points to a likely ass kicking in the fall”, Miller writes, support for Trump remains “steadfast”.

“What I found in their answers was one part Stockholm syndrome, one part survival instinct,” he explains. “They all may not love the president, but most share his loathing for his enemies on the left, in the media, and the apostate Never Trump Republicans with a passion that engenders an alliance with the president, if not a kinship.

Responding to the Rolling Stone article, Setmayer, host of the Honestly Speaking podcast, said: “It was disheartening to hear that because for those of us who are on the other side of this we’re like, ‘Come on! How much more are you going to take? Are you going to get off the ship or what? You’ve still got a chance here.’ It doesn’t look like they’re going to do that.

“They may go down with the ship because they feel as though the party faithful are so locked into Trump that they have zero chance if they separate themselves. That’s the calculation.”

There was little evidence of mask-wearing or physical distancing at the White House on Thursday. Nor, even now, does McConnell seem likely to politically distance himself from Trump in a last-ditch bid to hold on to the Senate. Setmayer added: “The shotgun marriage of the Republican party and Trump is so far gone at this point it would be virtually impossible for party leaders to outright reject him.”

From miracle cures to slowing testing: how Trump has defied science on coronavirus – video explainer

[ecotone99]

[RF] Cappuccino

Hi! I'm Greg from Hungary! This is my first story in english. Enjoy!

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Now I understand all of it. I could not have wished for better. I don’t miss anything now. Well… maybe some aspirin. I’ve probably slept too much, I feel a little dizzy and have a headache, which is rather surprising considering my condition. Earth gently waves below my feet, and she’s with me and will stay with me. She leans toward me; she seems worried and tries to read my eyes as I’m waiting there breathless for the recognition in revealed in her eyes. She has to feel it, she can’t do it otherwise everything is pointless.

And yes, her lips move and I see the recognition in her eyes. Just like in her hands. This is strange again – I’m blinded as she puts the light toward me but it doesn’t hurt – and I’m overwhelmed by heat because her body is next mine. I want to reach out for her cheeks but I refrain. We have plenty of time – it’s a nonsense thought, however, it doesn’t seem to be impossible now.

I can hardly believe that she only came in the café the day before yesterday. On a rainy Tuesday morning. With the third coffee I try to overcome fatigue that waits for me in the service entrance each morning. I’m making a hot chocolate; the flat milk foam emerges in the cup whirling in a spiral, I make a nice heart out of it in the end. The older ladies are enchanted by that and sometimes the younger ones like it too. I also have my regular favorites – the meek blond who always looks above my head as if her tall boyfriend stood behind me. The French beauty, I assume she’s French because of her accent, who likes it sweet (mocha and pain au chocolat) and who can be as rampant as a rainforest under her sweatshirt. I handle their chilling detachment with the tactfulness of a espresso machine. My namebadge, in accordance with the cordial permission of my boss, reads coffee rapporteur and foam specialist. A small present for those who notice me.

I’m done with the chocolate, and the dragging working hours cast shadow on me. My workmate is mad, however, he doesn’t even know that this job can be a real challenge after earning two degrees. I’m making a face to this fact while wiping the counter, when I hear a considerate and low female voice asking for latte. Latte this time of the day? Have you ever been to Italy darling? You should drink espresso in the afternoon, cara signora. “Good choice,” I murmur the usual sentence and then I look up. A female physician about age 28 in a green surgical apron is standing in front of me. She must have jumped in from the hospital next door. Her reddish brown hair in a ponytail, her eyes grayish blue like the Irish Sea, her lips purple as she is shivering with cold. Her gaze locks with mine as if it was an underground atomic blast; as if an invisible hand slapped my forehead, I turn away and hide behind the espresso machine. This helps me; I realize why I’m here and I look up. My acoustic memory fails, I have to ask. “I’m sorry, what would you like to drink?” “Latte,” she says smiling and the information is lost again. I stare at her and she stares at me. Someone drops a teaspoon before the situation gets out of hand, and I wake up from my dream and set about heating up the milk. My face is red and I’m sweating, I see it in the reflection on the shiny espresso machine. What is going on here? The response to this question is the static noise compiled from the background noise. Transmission failure. The foam is too thick, it won’t be good for a latte, just for a cappuccino. It doesn’t matter though, those two are almost the same in this shop as we are far from being a decent café. I’m about to pour it when I realize that I’ve forgotten to make coffee. I only dare look up again when the brown fluid is slowly flowing from the machine. She was slow, I caught her eyes. She was looking at me! I should be more tactful while being clumsy.

The lights of the shop immersed in the blind spot and the girl’s silhouette becomes clearly separated from the background. The reality content of the 1.5 m meters distance between us has risen above the health threshold limit, at least based on the beat rate of my plunging heart. Love at the first sight? The bubbles of dried foam on the steam wand burst aloud. At forty years old? How could that be? It would be a miracle if I could cast anchor. Not to mention that pretty girls come in in every ten minutes and I’m in love with all of them for that two minutes during which they stand in front of the counter. What the hell is going on with me?

The coffee has been ready for a while, I pour in some milk and refrain from drawing a little heart on it. She thanks it with a curious gaze, I don’t say a word as I know I could only cough up some pathetic sentences. She sits down, almost turning her back to me; I only catch her sight scarcely, she looks out the window, no cell phone at all. Maybe she’s having a break between two surgeries and wants to have a good coffee. She’s got it, more or less; I calm down and turn to the next customer who has been begging for my attention for long seconds. I pay twice as much attention to serve the customer and the next time I look toward the girl I see that her seat has been taken by someone else. She has taken something with her though. It seemed as if the shop had been subject to slow decay; I felt the fresh plaster peeling off, the souring of the milk and the advancing mold on the sweets. The remaining three hours takes a heavy toll on me, I’m unable to do my job properly. At closing time, twenty euro is missing from the cashier; I throw in a twenty euro bill when nobody sees it and I go home. Fresh air wakes me up a little, I read about frequencies and resonance on the internet at home. The entire shook when I saw her, our resonance was fighting each other so fiercely that would lead to collapsing bridges elsewhere. I feel this strange vibration at night while I have a splitting headache; I have not drunk coffee since noon.

The following day I drink a double shot, my heart kicks back wildly. I get in work with unusual joy. I totally forgot about yesterday – the French girl wore no bra under her sweatshirt. I’m overwhelmed by strength and vigor, just in a rustic way. In the lunch break, I remember the vibrations I read about yesterday in some lady magazine. If it’s true, I’m already dead. According to the article, I don’t do what I like. Well, if it’s true, only the radio waves vibrate in a proper manner on this planet. There are exceptions of course, such as the author of the article and not to mention the female physician. Devotedness holds man together at the end of a long day, when a simple barista falls apart like a figure on a Picasso painting. Well, it is not right to expect a lot more from a person who gets up at six in the morning. In the morning, I’m able to do everything after my first coffee, it always occurs to what I should do with my life at lunchtime, I would read until dawn at two in the afternoon and I can only make it home at six if I drink my last coffee.

And then she comes, even smiling at the door. Latte. Suddenly all thoughts seem so inappropriate, however, they are not replaced by new ones. My heart is one drum solo, my movements are masonry work from a block of marble, while my common sense is able to climb that block and read out the name tag of the girl. Kyra. Kyra!!! Kyra…??? Now I realize that I’ve kept thinking about her as Elizabeth. It throws me off balance, so I’ll be able to make her drink. Too much foam again, but it will make a latte if we are not too hard on it. She sits down, turning her back halfway again; service is out of order and the outer world refrains from entering the café with unusual delicacy in the next fifteen minutes.

Upon seeing the arch of her mouth, I suddenly realize that I know how she kisses. Her lips are like Anette’s whose taste has just started to fade away. I make further investigations. Her hair is like Irene’s, my palm still preserves the silkiness of it. Her nose is like Norah’s, resembling the storms of our quarrels, her jaw is like Catherine’s whom I adored so much with words yelled in vain. Her eyes… it can’t be, I smile, but they are truly Martha’s whom I fell in love when I was six. This love was unrequited and beyond hope and I was already sixteen when I let myself be tempted by reality. The latte-drinking girl resembled all of them. Now she’s gone, I can hardly recall her face. It is in the corner of my eye but when I try to look at it, it disappears. Only the well-known details remain - and memories.

On the way home, I feel giddy, so I have to sit down on a bench. I drink way too much coffee. No matter what is happening to me, it came at least twenty five years later as it was supposed to. Now it seems that all my experience is useless, my heart was secretly turned on behind my back and it wants more than making me run. It wants to rule my world by a totally stranger who only told me these two word, “Latte” and “Thank you”. The city around me looks like a setting made of paper; shadows seem more real than the objects that cast them. I feel that I’m fighting for the sanity of my mind but I’m not sure whether I’m on the right side or not. Maybe I should submit to this ecstasy and then everything would be straighten out, like when you get back to the highway from a dirt road. But where does this road take me? I know a beer and a good talk would bring me down to earth, but I don’t feel like meeting with anyone. I’m like Voyager – I left the Solar System and I have to see the next star that would attach meaning to my existence, no matter how long it takes.

I managed to sleep eight hours. I feel good in the morning, only one flat white is enough. I’m waiting for the French girl or the meek blond. I’ll ask one of them out for a date. I don’t care what they reply, but I won’t be mad if they say yes, of course. But they aren’t here, instead Kyra is standing in front of the counter. Damn! I thought she would come later. “Latte?” I ask her in a broken voice. She nods smiling. I commence making her drink, while the ceiling of the café is being lowered. Alright then, I submit to my faith. I had different plans though… I ask her out. It will work. I set up band earlier because of some violinist girl. I want to open my mouth but my lips got stuck together. I clear my throat. I want to speak but she says hello to a friend of hers who is about to leave. I look down and realized that the foam is too thick again, it will be another cappuccino again. What should I say? Dear Kyra, we don’t serve latte today but I know a place where they make excellent latte. She is looking at me and I see expectation in her gaze. I have to say something, maybe confess that I’m not a barista, I just haven’t found out my next move. It is pity that my right arm went numb because of her stare.

She draws her brows gently, but that makes her more beautiful; she’s celestial. After this setting made of paper is blown, it’s only two of us on the scene, as it always should have been, in the original state. It was unnecessary to create time, space and other nonsense around us. My frequency is high in the skies, the journalist would probably be stunned; I would be able to spin the entire planet around its axis. I know that Kyra also perceives my strength – I’m king and she’s my queen. She might be a little afraid by that as I see signs of anxiety on her pretty face. Certain parts of the world appear, people gather around us, maybe to take part in the miracle. Even the chandelier on the opposite was moves toward us intrigued; I totally forgot about that it is there. Strange. Then everything is moved away, only she and I remain. Light comes out of her hand. I’m blinded but it doesn’t hurt, I see her face anyhow, and I don’t care if don’t see anything else anymore.

Nothing is missing. Only my head aches a little. I slept for long but I’m awake now. Nothing happens though. As if I was waiting for the punch line of a corny joke. Hahaha, very funny, I murmur into the light as a test but nothing carries my voice. What direction should I take now? I’ve never felt so well-rested before but I had something on my mind. Not always, just sometimes. On a regular basis. It just nails me to the ground. I hear muffled noise and feel two hands on my chest. Then some light is directed into my eyes. I’m blinded. The light disappears and I saw a familiar face, I’m sure I know this face from somewhere. This is beauty itself! It lifts me up to a place where similar ideas are born. It will be always with me. I know where I’m headed. I just would though as the manifested beauty pushes my chest back to ground with its palm. Then on and on again. What does she want? Push back the toothpaste to the tube? Deep and decade-long disappointment springs from the direction of my stomach. The forehead of the beauty is covered with sweat, her face is disfigured by determination. I would be very grateful if she stopped what she is doing and would smile again. If I succeeded, I would use my first breath to shout at her ear with the power of a newly born baby – I’m ineffably, desperately and irrevocably bored.

Dublin, 1 December, 2018

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