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jacobthespaceguy · 3 years

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Mystery

Again, I wrote this post months ago and I left this in my drafts. I hope you enjoy my previous thoughts.

I wrote Mystery for a reason. Mystery is about being in love with a person in your dreams and despite how much they mean to you, you'll eventually wake up and it will all be in lack of better words, "just a dream."

It's sad. So sad. On one hand, I love these dreams because I get a moment to be happy with a girl for a small amount of time, but on the other hand, I have to wake up and feel the wave of disappointment of it all being just a dream. I've explained the meaning of this song many times in the past and I will never get sick of doing so because believe it or not, I think this song is the song that I relate to the most.

I've been single since 2015 I believe. Back in high school, after an on-again, off-again relationship with my one and only girlfriend, we eventually called it quits officially. (Before you ask, I broke up with her and I will never get into specifics). This relationship to say the least was a learning experience for me. It gave me experience in a relationship so I won't go into it completely blind in my next, however, a freshman year relationship does not hold up to adult relationships. At least it shouldn't so I know so little of what I will be getting myself into when it finally happens. My last relationship of pretty toxic to be honest and she probably thinks I was a bad boyfriend (which I probably was, it was new to me) and in my opinion, she was probably a bad girlfriend to have as my first experience. However, I still cared for her dearly and we're still friends to this day. She's been in a relationship with a pretty cool guy for the last few years and I'm happy to see they're still doing good!

Ok, back to my story. Now that you have some insight of my personal life which I may regret to tell, I will say that I've romanticized the idea of being in a relationship since late 2015-2016. Ever since then, I think about it all the time. As a 20-year-old who's gone this long in single life, I will say that it has been easier to forget about it and focus on my priorities and most of the time, I'm not really seeking relationships anyway. However, like clockwork, I'll go through bouts of dreams and lust for relationships and it'll takeover my life to a degree. Right now is one of those times. As of lately, my dreams have gotten more realistic and easier for me to remember which is good and bad since it's fun to have these realistic dreams of being with a girl but bad when I have really violent dreams. It's been a coin-toss of which kind I get lately and it scares me. I just finished watching as show called Invincible and I believe that's what's causing my violent dreams.

Anyways, my last dream that I had a week or two ago, I was in a coffee shop in line waiting to order and these 2 girls who were at a table behind me were watching my friend struggle to order and I made some kind of one-liner and the girl sitting to the right at the table laughed at what I said and followed along with the joke and we started conversing. I then ordered my drink and walked back to their table to talk to her some more. We were hitting it off. Then it came time for me to walk off and go about my business and this girl told me, "Now is the time where you would normally ask for my number," or something along those lines and I fumbled a bit through it but I did it and got to walk away knowing I actually scored a girls phone number. "Finally!" I thought, "I got a girl’s phone number and I'm not as much of a loser anymore."

You know how time makes no sense in dreams? Well moments after that, in my head, it was days or a week later and I went to call this girl up and ask her out on a date. However, as quickly as this dream went, is how quickly I woke up and realized I did not have this girls number. Well, I had her number in my brain so I decided to give it a call in person. Turns out my dream girl's number is the IRS and they're still wondering if I'm going to pay my 2019 taxes. I probably won't since I don't know how to pay taxes yet. (For legal reasons, I must clarify that this entire IRS bit was made up to humor you and make me feel better about being a loser)

I hated waking up and knowing it was all "just a dream," even though it felt so real. It was vivid. I told Austin, my best bud, and the rest of the Cosmic Cast about this dream and Austin understood me when I said it felt real and it hurt to have it ripped away from me. Imagine how Meghan from Drake and josh would feel if the entirety of iCarly was a dream she had in a coma and woke up to realize there was no iCarly, nor was there a Spencer, Freddy or a Sam. I tear up thinking about it.

Anyhow, life goes on and I go back to producing music, sleeping, and crying like I usually do. Fast forward to last night, it was a Friday night/Saturday morning dream. A girl I had a crush on that I used to work with at an old job was at my house to play piano for my brothers for some reason. So she was downstairs and I was upstairs doing god knows what. Probably listening to Angels & Airwaves or playing Spider-Man PS4. All of a sudden, my crush, who I'll call Amy for the rest of this story (her real name is not Amy) came up behind me at my doorway and looked so sad, tears in her eyes. Kind of like a sad puppy. I instantly get up and went to go hug her to comfort her. I put my arms around her waist and asked her what happened. To sum it up, she said that playing piano for my brothers was a disaster because she didn't have a real piano... (Look, I'm not saying dream logic holds up in the real world at all so please disregard how silly this is)

So as I listened to Amy tell me this story in a faint sad voice, I had this awful feeling in my upper gut/lower chest. I felt so much pain for her because I cared about her so much and I hated to see her this way. So I consoled her and offered to buy her a piano. After talking some quick specifics of what she wanted, her face filled with cheer and she was the happiest person I've ever seen. With all of this joy and excitement we felt in that moment, we both went in for a kiss. It was a beautiful and passionate kiss. It felt so real. Surely this was real.

Just like the last dream, all of a sudden, it was days or a week later and I was at a place. I honestly can't remember where but I think it was a big barber shop. No like seriously, a barber shop but it was huge and for whatever reason, it was a hangout spot. I was with Amy but I couldn't find where she was in the shop so I went to call her on my phone. I was so happy that I was in a relationship and was with a girl I had a crush on and was in love with. It felt so real. I was so happy. But then... it happened...

I woke up with my eyes closed. The first time I can ever recall waking up but my eyes still being closed. I was so confused. "What happened?" I thought. I opened my eyes and saw the reflection of my face in the mirror.

It was just a dream.

I couldn't believe it, it felt so real. To be honest with you, after typing this out, I actually felt a small feeling of sadness remembering how happy I was in my dream. I have to remind you that despite how much pain these dreams can cause, I love that I have them. I think they motivate me in some way. I'm not sure. It beats having no dreams or stress dreams. We'll have to talk about how much I hate stress dreams in a different entry. Every time I wake up after one of these dreams, my first thought is my song Mystery. This is literally why I wrote the song in the first place. This is why it's probably my favorite song from me. It's an odd thing to relate to, but I want you to know that if you're on the same boat as me, I hope you know that this song is for you and that we'll be ok in the end. We're gonna have our moment one day. These dreams keep us in check I think. Or, they remind us that we're single and alone. Maybe the brain does this to motivate us to find a partner and reproduce because there's a lot of primal instincts that out bodies still have despite how long humanity has been in a world of technology because it's simply how we were programmed. Crazy to think about.

Here's my favorite quote from Mystery and I think it's relatable.

"the clock takes away our precious time my feelings for you are so sublime and though I confess that you’re not real just meeting you was beyond surreal"

I changed the "so" to "just" in the final line because the remastered version was changed to that. (Wait! There's a remastered version?) Not yet. But it may or may not be coming. It’s releasing 10/15/21. Only us blog people will know about it muahawhawhwhawhaw

The quote perfectly encapsulates the entire struggle of being in the dream and trying to get the most out of your short-lived love of your life. It may not be fun to deal with the aftermath of these dreams, but in my eyes, they're still worth having. Not that I have a choice or anything. My brain is funny. I wish I could change some things about it though.

If there's any takeaway from this entry, it's this, these dreams are healthy to have. I think. I don't know, do I look like Mr.DreamGuy or something? But I have these dreams all the time and I'm sure some of you do to and that's ok. They’re just dreams. If you get sad over the dream, then at least you can drown the pain with my song! That's what I do. If you hate my music, then Ghost on the Dance Floor by Blink-182 is a good alternative. Let me state that I've never heard this song before I wrote Mystery, but the concept is the same I believe. At least in my interpretation. Don't be surprised if you see further entries on here about dreams like these. I love to write down the good ones because they're fun to remember. I hope you learned something about Mystery. I don't know how else to end this so just go listen to my song. Or turn off your computer, get a coffee, and take a nice drive down the canyon listening to your favorite songs to clear your head for an hour. Just be sure to roll the windows down, and sing along as if you were the artist and on stage singing for a crowd. Or if it's late at night, drive down to the beach or some kind of alternative and spend some time clearing your mind. Maybe a partner of choice will coincidently have the same thought and you guys meet each other for the first time and hit it off.

I’ve romanticized relationships over the years. I wonder if my expectations will hold up or if I'll end up disappointed. I don't know. I just don't. But I'll keep waiting until the time is right and I find someone to fall in love with and someone to build a life together with. I don't think I could ever be a casual dater. It's just not in my source code. A girl can so much as smile for me and I wonder how us building a life together would look like. That's a bit of an exaggeration but it's true to a lesser extent.

It's 2 AM. Goodnight to you lovely readers and goodnight my future love. I hope you're doing well. Ok, that was weird. Goodnight for real this time.

I hope the IRS doesn't know I'm screening they're calls. Hey Siri, what's the punishment for tax evasion? Wait, my words are still being ported over to the blog. Stop it. Stop writing what I'm saying, please. STOP STOP OH CRA-

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