#Ugh. I'm so sick and tired of seeing people be gross about siblings. It's disgusting and I can't ever seem to escape it

[wayfinderships]

Reminder that if you ship incest to GET OUT of my blog please and thank you <3

[traumatizeddfox]

Tw for sa, sui and death mentions. It's also a long, long rant. Don't feel the need to respond or read it all. I know it's a lot.

Everything is so overwhelming. I keep hallucinating and seeing all these people and hearing all these voices. Some tell me I'm a bad person and i believe them and some are telling me to kill myself. I really feel like a bad person. A lot of the voices are trying to convince me that nothing i remember is real and that I'm making everything up. I'm not in a good state at all. I don't know who else to tell..

The only friend i was able to see passed away not too long ago and i can't get over it. Everyone keeps trying to pressure me into stop thinking about her and to get over her but it's not something you can rush. I don't know why but i feel so gross for missing her. It's probably because everyone is trying to gulilt me into feeling bad for being angry over her death. I don't care if I'm lashing out at people because they're trying to force things on me. If they don't want me to say mean things to them they should fuck off or deal with it. I'm tired of feeling responsible for everyone else's emotions and reactions.

And get this.. i was like the only person she hung out with and i didn't get told anything about her funeral and they already had it and that just makes me so fucking pissed. And I'm so angry at myself for not just ignoring all the stupid people at "church" like i said i was going to. I don't want to even look at them since they didn't even tell me anything about when it was going to be, nothing. I gave them my number for a fucking reason.

Then my mom thought it was a good idea to go to the place where they found her body. My stomach dropped when she did because like literally what the fuck, mom?

Then my grandma went and called me disgusting for having sexual trauma which she was a part of. She's done some pretty sick things and has the nerve to call me disgusting.. like once she made my brother and i sit in piss for two whole days while my sis was in the hospital because we weren't allowed to use the bathroom. And once when I was in the bathroom, taking a bath in the downstairs bathtub, she just came in and took off her clothes. She did that during arguments too, so i stopped arguing with her because i still have that disgusting image engraved in my mind. She also hit me but it was never as hard as my parents did, but it still hurt.

Her saying that though really just made me lose it. All these emotions are so confusing. That was what topped it off. i feel like I'm back in school again except it's worse because there's more shit going on that I have to deal with.

Instead of being bullied and having to deal with cps and being groomed and the vice principal putting in tardies and making my parents angry because i had to stay after school to make up for it or else I'd be expelled for excessive tardies i have to deal with my parents threatening to kick me out for every little thing and trying to find a fucking job to no avail, fucking 16 applications and nobody fucking calls back after the interview, and i have to protect my siblings from being hit, and i have to do all this work or my money will be stolen and I'm not allowed to eat until i break my back for seemingly no reason, and my stupid father smashing all the things in my room and i can't stand the sound of him hitting mom or yelling at her. All she thinks about is how she feels. It's all that's mattered to her, except when it's convenient otherwise. She's always ranting on and on about all the horrible things dad does.

I hate how she always has to lie about things . Like when dad bruised her all up and the police showed up..

Ugh and i can't get my fucking door replaced no matter how much i rant on about it. There's a big ass fucking hole in it and it's been there for years and i can't change in there or do anything without someone peeping. It's better than when we didn't have a bathroom door for months on end. I don't think they would have replaced it at all if cps wasn't involved

Everything just fucking sucks. I don't want to burden anyone with all this shit, but i can't take it anymore. I don't want to have to be a mom to my siblings. I don't want to have to lift things and get out of breathe and almost pass out. I don't want to live but i don't want my siblings to have things harder or as hard as i did. I don't want any of this.

I'm just so tired of everything. My mind is literally breaking apart again. There's too much. Everything is too much and yet i still have to keep it together for my siblings. I want them to feel comfortable coming to me for things they need and i feel I'd mess that up if i let out all my rage and let myself break down. I'd look like dad to them. Dad is so scary when he's mad, and he's mad a lot. I still cower in fear near him.

I just wish everything was the way i fantasized about so many times...

i am so sorry angel :(

first thing i will say is grieve your friend how you want to, there is no time limit!! i’m so sorry your mother and grandma have no compassion for you :( i’m so sorry i wish i could help you ;-;