#Voyeurism but I don't have to feel guilty about it. the privacy is being offered up in a silver platter for me to invade

[deepspaceclawstation]

One of my preferred activities to do on tumblr lately has been to open the notes of random posts and just peoplewatch. Yesterday I found a person who said they had 'priviledge guilt' for not being able to sew. I stalked their blog and in their bio they claimed to be 'no more than 12%' indigenous. On further stalking, I found a reblogged post with the tags that claimed their dream job would have been to be a servant in a feudal household. They were 46. I got to read all this for free.

[missmentelle]

[Part 1/2] My (F) outlook on privacy and family relationships changed. At 17 I found a hidden cellphone in my room, turns out my dad has been monitoring me while undressing. I confronted him one time, asking not to do this again, never adressed this issue again, except showing unease when he made sex jokes, being touched (pats on butt or even innocent hugs). Don't want to talk about it with him. I realised my mom knew about this when they both would get in fights each "aniversary" month, but...

later they make up in the matter of "let's forget this ever happened". Dad indirectly apologised, but I still can't trust/be open around parents. Feeling guilty, ashamed of my body, avoidant and reluctant to tell anyone. Can this influence my future partnerships? (scared, that I might start to like old men or pervy people) How to manage privacy issues (we live in a flat and I doubt I'll be moving out anytime soon)

What you experienced is sexual abuse, and I am absolutely horrified that this happened to you. I’m also horrified that your mother didn’t step up to protect you from the abuse when she found out about it, and that the situation has been largely swept under the rug with nothing done to protect you. Absolutely no part of this is normal, and it’s not okay. Even the fact that your father is making sex jokes around you and touching you on the butt is not acceptable - that is absolutely not a normal thing for a father to do with his daughter, and I feel absolutely sick that you are stuck in an environment where you have to constantly worry about sexual overtones from your own father. It’s wrong, and you didn’t deserve any of this. None of this is your fault, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. 

You need to know that what your father did is illegal, and if you want to, you could absolutely report him to the police. Hiding a camera in your 17-year-old’s bedroom to watch her change is a crime on so many levels - it’s voyeurism, incest, child sexual abuse and child pornography - and you need to know that what happened to you is a very big deal. Your family seem to be treating it like a small mistake between family members, but it’s actually a felony. I know that reporting your dad to the police is a pretty huge deal if you’re living with him and don’t have anywhere else to go, and it’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable reporting him. This choice is completely in your hands, and there are no wrong answers here - you don’t ever have to report him if you don’t want to. You might decide not to report right now and feel like reporting him when you move out; again, it’s totally up to you. But you need to know that you have the right to if you do want to, because what happened to you is absolutely a very serious offense. 

I strongly recommend that you reach out to some mental health resources for sexual abuse survivors as soon as you are able to. I know that individual therapy may be difficult to get during this coronavirus pandemic, but I strongly encourage you to reach out to sexual violence or domestic abuse agencies in your area to see what resources they have available. You could also check out the website of the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (linked here) - they offer 24/hour free and confidential support through online chat or by phone. You can chat from the safety of your phone or computer and get support without having to disclose any personal information that you don’t feel comfortable disclosing. There are also numerous social media groups and subreddits for survivors of sexual abuse to discuss their experiences and get support, and that might also be a valuable resource for you. I encourage you to seek out professional counselling as soon as you are able to - what you went though (and are still dealing with) is horrific, and you deserve to get assistance from someone who can help you properly work through these feelings. You did not do anything wrong here, and it’s absolutely normal to be struggling after what you dealt with - you deserve to get the help you need to cope with it. 

If it’s possible for you to quarantine somewhere else other than your parents’ house, I would strongly encourage you to do that - the risks of breaking quarantine are not as great as the risk of living with two people who intentionally swept sexual abuse under the rug. If there is nowhere else for you to go and you are still stuck at home for the future, I would encourage you to do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel safe. I know you may be living in close quarters, but try to find a place in the flat where you feel safest. If your room no longer feels like a safe place for you because of what happened there, you could take steps to change your room so that it no longer feels like the place where the abuse happened (redecorate, rearrange all the furniture, etc), or you could find a small space where you feel safe (maybe set up a blanket fort in your bedroom room, make a reading nook in your closet, or even just take long showers with the door locked). Take whatever precautions you need to take in order to feel safe - if you feel safer putting tape over your webcam, changing under a blanket or checking your room for cameras regularly, then that’s what you should do. Spend as much time away from your dad as you can get away with. If you have friends or family that you could be on video calls with, try to maximize how much time you spend doing that - your dad is not likely to make sexual comments or advances if you are on a live video feed with somebody. 

You also need to know that these experiences don’t have to lead to a lifetime of unhealthy relationships with men. It won’t always be easy - sexual abuse is a serious thing, and it can be hard to predict how this experience might affect you in the future. But you can overcome this, and you can decide that this is a pattern you don’t want to repeat. Talk to other survivors, seek counselling, read books aimed at survivors (you can find a reading list here). Understand that these experiences were not your fault, and they do not define your worth - there are partners out there who will respect your boundaries and your body, and it is possible for you to find that. You deserve nothing less. Recovery is possible, and you can have healthy relationships in the future with the right support. 

Best of luck to you.  Miss Mentelle