#WHY IS IT WHEN I CLICK THE ANXIETY TAG A VERY ANXIETY INDUCING MESSAGE POPS UP TF DUDES

[ccaptain]

As I told: buckle up. This will either be depressing, or rage-inducing.

Story time: when I was essentially a confused 18yo approaching Tumblr roleplay for the first time, I didn't had much traction, if at all, aside from a few friends who joined me. That's normal, as I was a new blog and things were much more different from the rpc we're currently in. In my non-traction, I start interacting with this person who was really enthusiastical about my portrayal of the muse I was currently playing and would . We'll call them W. for comfort. I was roleplaying with W. and interactions were heading to shipping territory, normal stuff.

So W. comes to me and says ''sam, let's ship! our muses click like crazy'' and I was like oooh okay! this sounds fun! and so they announce on their blog that I was joining their ship rooster. Thanks to this, I get some more interactions and, as busy with life as I am not today, I start to enjoy roleplaying. Everything is smooth sailing.

Some time after, I start noticing a dissonance.

In private with me? Raving, being an absolute lunatic (/pos) about how good our muses were to move together, how good the shipping dynamic we created was, how they were SO excited to try some scenarios we had with me, etc. Most of our interactions were roleplays on Skype where we developed our muses.

Latch your fucking seatbelts, because if you guessed that on their blog it was the polar opposite situation, you win a cookie.

We had a ''ship tag'', if you can call a simple ''[Muse name]!'' that. They enthusiastically came up with it, showed me that they did, and never once I had the joy of seeing it on their blog.

Posts that described our muses relationship perfectly had everyone and their moms in terms of their ships tagged under it, but my muse. My ''ship tag'' was left to collect dust. Songs dedicated to other muses, and that also described our pairing? Musings? Moodboards they were making? Never showing up in my notifications with a tag for my muse. My asks and replies, who were ic-style at the time, so short and easy to get around to? Last of the three-legged cart they were carrying around.

In two years of roleplaying with them, my tag on their blog appeared less than six times, I think I remember.

Prefaction before we continue: my mental illness, at the time, was not as stable as it is today with medicines and therapy. I was essentially an horse loose in an hospital while being devoured by anxiety. One of the symptoms of it is making me question the legitimacy of what I think, so I take noticeably longer to see if an injustice is being done to me because I think I'm just being paranoid- you can see the place this is heading to. With them being so sweet and doing so much with me in private, I felt like I had no room to complain.

In this particular instance, I was not paranoid. The friends I was making even noticed this and asked me what was going on, and I would have not the slightest idea.

The details in the middle are fuzzy, but this entire situationship kept going for two years. I don't think there was some big, ugly drama or it would have stamped permanently on my brain, I just remember this thing dragging on and on.

At this point, some years have passed. With time, I built a stable support network that was pushing me to see what was weird about it, as the mixed messages were starting to affect me, because it was a confusing ordeal to be in: I was being treated very nicely, but also having all proof of our muses relationship swept under the rug on their blog? Being some sort of dirty little secret was weird.

One day, after coming out of a part-time shift at the job I was in at the time, I decide to bite the bullet. I contact W. and ask them the question:

''W., why do you never reply to my asks on your blog? Why am I never on your blog at all, but we do a lot of stuff in private? It feels weird to me because it IS weird. What's up?''

They hem. They haw. They ghost me for several days before popping back up, finally ready to face this question.

You want to know what it was? I bet you do. I bet you're fucking dying to know what it was. Come closer, I'll tell you. Put your face really close to the screen  You're going to want to rip the monitor off your laptop with your teeth once you're done, if you have one.

They confessed to me of being stuck between ''a rock and an hard place'', for two reasons:

- Without me even interacting once with them, following or even mistakenly liking one of their posts, I was apparently a trigger warning with legs for a friend of theirs without me ever treating explicit themes on my blog. At all. So W. couldn't make me appear on their blog too much, not even as tagged with the url to block, because this person would NOT block posts to avoid themselves an huge panic attack, and would predictably see me or anything remotely related to me and have an huge panic attack. This, as bad as it sounds, at the time was a normal thing to do in a passive-aggressive manner to avoid having their favorite people interact with someone they didn't liked, because who would ever question the legitimacy of a panic attack without looking bad? The RPC at the time was THIS bad that this was a tactic to be questioned. - Another friend of theirs, which we'll call P., was insecure. Not the normal (and completely understood) kind of insecure, who needs reassurance from time to time about their portrait and what they're doing, but the toxic, clearly unmedicated and untherapized ass ''I need my main rp partner to aknowledge and give me attention at all times, only to ME, or I'll get depressed'' kind of insecure. W. would come online, and P. would literally hoard them. Make status after status after status getting more and more depressed until W. would drop their threads and asks and interact with them. This would happen almost every day, and even before I showed up. W. told me that, ever since they announced their new ship with me on their blog, P. got even more insecure to the point where even W. was stressed out about the situation.

I remember W. apologizing to me, and telling me that since I was ''the reasonable person in their life'' (this stuck with me) it seemed like a given that they had to calm down their other friends, and that by giving stuff to me in private it would have been an equivalent exchange to make their own rp life a little less stressful without taking anything away from me, as they enjoyed shipping with me.

So, as mature as a tired, overworked 20yo could be, I apologized for contributing to their stress and putting them even more in a situation, and wished them luck with their friends before telling them that this was stressful for me too, and that I had to step back because the entire situation and being gratitiously involved in drama wasn't my style, and they sheepishly agreed that as fun and enjoyable as I was to talk and roleplay with, my presence in their life seemed to stir their friends up in the worst ways.

We parted in good terms, as far as I remember. We never tried to make contact with eachother again, and that was for the best.

[santamonicayachtclub]

on curation, validation, and prioritization in fandom

Fandom is legion.

None of us “do” fandom the same way as everyone else, and none of us get all the same things out of it as everyone else. It’s okay to listen to discussions and not partake. It’s okay if fandom is a place for you to decompress and take time for yourself. It’s just as valid to view diversity analysis as your fandom calling as it is to view drawing fanart as your fandom calling. It’s okay to not feel comfortable participating in certain parts of fandom. It’s okay to have a finite amount of energy. Something to bear in mind is that this probably indicates you also lack the energy to complain about negativity and, in effect, contribute to it yourself. This is what it means to curate your experience. Preserving your energy and your need for self-care is never invalid, but neither should it occur as a result of cutting down others. If you’ve noticed yourself finding certain topics uncomfortable or frustrating, this might be a good opportunity to examine why POC and LGBT+ fans discussing GMM from a social justice perspective makes you feel that way. Bottom line, no one is being forced to perform fandom to anyone’s specifications. Cultivating your own experience need not occur at the expense of putting down people who engage with fandom differently than you.

And I will say...I've been here a little over a month and most of the time I have no idea who anyone is talking about. I work with immigrant families full time and have a side hustle doing ESL tutoring and am lowkey trying to keep up with my book club and get some academic stuff published without popping a vein. I have no idea who the original post was about or who wrote what fic with what thing that’s possibly objectionable. I’m just here to be America’s Next Top Model.

On that note, I realize the hoary old chestnut that is the “depiction isn't endorsement” argument has been thoroughly cracked open several times, I really do. Exploring gritty, uncomfortable topics is something people do in every realm of media, and by no means indicates a creator’s desire to partake in the same subject matter in reality. Creation is fueled by everything from escapism to therapeutic expression to sublimation of emotion to just plain curiosity. 

There's merit to the concept of self-curation, but it also involves work on both ends. Creators have been stepping up their tagging game considerably in recent years, and there’s been an uptick in author’s notes that allow readers to click to the end of a fic and read detailed synopses of potentially triggering contents. Fanvid makers have been doing the same, which allows viewers to skip over certain segments of their vids. In many ways, fandom has been making great strides towards protecting its participants. On the other hand, there will always be creators who opt not to engage in these practices, just as there will always be fanworks that repel certain fans. Tailoring your dash by blocking and unfollowing won't stop these works from being posted or their creators’ accounts from existing. Plenty of fanwork creators use their works to sublimate trauma or mental illness or to explore the deconstruction of tropes typically considered trite or problematic. Saying this work shouldn't exist full stop is concerning and often leads down the slippery slope of implying authors should be obligated to divulge personal information in order to prove they have the right “credentials” to be writing certain subjects.

Continuing along that topic, it’s impossible to know for certain the mental illnesses, survivor statuses, and ethnic background of every other person in fandom, let alone how those things might manifest or how each individual person might cope with them. It’s concerning to me that there’s been a spike in individual fans declaring in very broad strokes which fanworks pass muster and which should be scrubbed from existence, based on their own status as a member of a given group. There are certainly occasions where this is valid and necessary (e.g., calling out a fanwork that is blatantly racist or transphobic) There are also occasions where such declarations set up a false dichotomy in which there’s a right way and a wrong way to “do” fandom if you are a member of this group, whether it be one’s status as a POC, a sexual assault survivor, LGBT+, etc. This is erasure of those who share the same trait(s) but have a completely different perspective.

POC, survivors, LGBT+, and mentally ill fans all have and are continuing to both consume and create problematic things. Many of them may not feel comfortable disclosing personal information online for a variety of reasons. Someone repulsed by BDSM fic might have a weakness for daddy kink. Someone might view a given fic's content as gratuitous while another person might see it as nuanced and sensitively portrayed. There are few absolutes in fandom and trying to force them into existence is a headache waiting to happen.

Trying to stop the existence of every fanwork you find problematic will leave you exhausted, frustrated, and burned out. For every person crusading against XYZ, there will always be another person transforming into a “challenge accepted” meme circa 2010 and eagerly producing more XYZ. That isn’t to say there’s no conversation to be had about the portrayal and treatment of certain tropes and concepts in fandom, because there absolutely is. At the same time, there has to be a moment where you realize, however difficult it may be, that sometimes it’s necessary to take a step back and protect yourself.

If you’re unsure about clicking on a read more tag to see someone’s art or clicking on a fic that hasn’t been tagged specifically enough for your comfort, send the creator a message asking about the content. This can be anxiety-inducing, so an alternative is to have a vetting squad, a group of trusted friends you can turn to and ask, "hey, does anyone know if SassySweaterRhett’s fic contains D/s?" or "I just got added by chinchillinwithchase, does anyone know what kind of stuff they post?" If you notice a fic with minimal tags that the author has labeled Choose Not To Warn, maybe post a quick "hey, has anyone read this and if so what can I expect?" to your blog before clicking on it.

Fandom will never be a tailor-made safe space for everyone who enters it. But we can try to promote consistency. When in doubt, using too many tags is often better than using too few. Knowing your own limits can be a tedious process that often involves stumbling across content you immediately wish you hadn’t. My own triggers and squicks are almost all atypical and not likely to be covered by anyone's tags. I’ve had a number of rude awakenings, the vast majority of them from back in the day when it was considered courteous if you included content warnings at all.

That said.

It is so, so hard to try and make a space for yourself and your unique voice in fandom only to then be told fandom doesn’t want to hear it. As I said earlier, curation works both ways. One person’s expression is as valid as any other’s unless hate speech, abuse, doxxing, etc. enter the picture. And to be honest, some of the anon messages I’ve seen lately have veered pretty unequivocally over the line. Attacking someone for expressing an opinion by telling them to die or kill themself is never, ever appropriate no matter how much you disagree with what they're posting. This is a great example of when it might behoove one to add a few new terms to one’s blacklist and practice the gentle art of not being an asshole. Dialogue, discussion, and even arguments are bound to happen, and should happen in any venue that involves a a group of people with shared interests but not a shared brain. There is no reason it should ever devolve into personal attacks.

tl:dr Fandom is a tangled web when it comes to trying to walk the tightrope between self-expression and self-preservation and it would be great if we could figure it out.

[howlingbarnes]

Yuanfen - Part 9

Characters - Bucky x Reader, Tony Stark, Mentions of others

Word Count - 1542

Warnings - Fluff, Language, Implied smut, Angst?

A/N - WHOA! Full disclosure: I never know what I'm doing. I swear this will all make sense later. Please dont hesitant to tell me what you think! This is an AU. 缘分 (Yuanfen) is a Chinese word that has no direct English translation and (roughly) means “A relationship that is brought together by a force such as destiny or fate.“

Yuanfen Masterlist

“Hey,” a soft voice infiltrated your dreams, piercing through the veil between fantasy and reality as you stirred on the couch. A tender kiss landed on your cheek, followed by another on your temple and one more on the tip of your nose, “wake up, doll.”

Your eyes fluttered open as Bucky shifted under your bodyweight. Stretching on the now seemingly small couch, you let a groggy groan rumble through your chest just before stepping onto the cold hardwood floor and trudging into the kitchen in search of a coffee mug. Bucky took a deep breath, letting his head push into the fluffy pillows on the couch.

“Coffee?” you called across the open room, still rubbing the sleep from your eyes.

“You read my mind, sweetheart,” Bucky spoke back, a thumbs up poking out from behind the couch being the only thing coming into view.

Glancing at the clock on the wall, you whined seeing that it wasn’t too long after seven in the morning. Silently you cursed the rest of the world for turning at such ungodly hours as you popped a pod into Bucky’s Keurig and waited for your caffeine fix.

“When did I pass out?” You basically spoke to the counter that your forehead now rested on.

“Ah,” Bucky’s voice found your ears and you could almost picture his face as he crawled back into his memories, “I know it was somewhere during This Is The End. Maybe right before Jonah Hill gets fucked by that demon?”

“Damnit, that’s one of my favorite parts!” You giggled, slamming your hands on the counter, faking anger before lifting your head. You started the machine again with a clean mug, deciding to play nice and bring Bucky his coffee first.

Bucky pushed himself up into a cross-legged position as you padded back over to the couch. You handed him the mug but it was placed on the table, instantly forgotten as his fingers wrapped around your wrist. Just as you started for the kitchen once again, Bucky lightly tugged your arm until you were planted between his legs. One of his hands engulfed your face as he tilted your head for an amorous kiss that sent your coffee to the back burner of your mind.

“Do you know what I like the most about kissing you?” He asked with a gruff morning voice that had you in shambles as soon as he started talking.

“What’s that?” You hummed back between small pecks and happy chuckles.

“I get to do it whenever I want,” Bucky winked at you before giving your waist a squeeze with his other hand.

Normally, you have some smart comeback but not today. You didn’t have the energy and you were rightfully too flustered to respond. Silently, you stood from your warm, cozy spot and went to retrieve your hot mug.

Standing in front of the building that housed your future bosses had you wringing your hands nervously. You’d paced in front of the doors for nearly twenty minutes, dodging businessmen who all seemed late for meetings and people running by with trays full of coffee cups that you could only assume were interns.

After your anxiety induced cardio, you started walking down the block, leaving the building far behind. Just as you reached the corner, you pulled your phone from your pocket and opened your conversation with Bucky to start a new message.

‘I can’t do this’

You thumbed the words into the device with shaky hands, only having a few seconds to steady yourself before your phone vibrated with his response.

‘You got this, doll. Just go in there, sign the contract and get back here to me’

Smiling down at your phone, you gathered enough nerve to walk back to the intimidating doors of the building you were previously loitering around just a short time ago. You shook your head free of any harsh thoughts that were creeping around within your mind and pushed one of the doors open.

It wasn’t long before you had found your way to the elevator with the help of the pretty brunette at the front desk. A lump started to form in your throat, butterflies fluttering in your chest as the lift ascended before the doors slid open slowly. Stepping out, you found that you were so lost in thought that you’d forgotten every single direction that Maria at the desk had given you. With a heavy sigh, you wandered the halls until you came across a shiny nameplate on a sleek door with the name Natasha Romanoff etched into it. Your faith was temporarily restored; if you couldn’t find Tony Stark, at least you had Natasha to save you the embarrassment of having to return to the lobby.

Closing your eyes, you lifted your fist to knock on the door but before you had the chance, a loud thump from inside made you freeze in place. With furrowed brows, you let curiosity swallow you whole as the thump turned into a symphony of multiple thumps. Moving slowly, you gripped the handle of the door and turned it. You cracked the door open enough to peek inside and instantly wished that you hadn’t.

You slipped a hand over your mouth in an attempt to physically hold in the gasp that was trying desperately to make it’s way up your throat. Your eyes were wide in disbelief as the familiar slap of skin against skin rang through the room. Grunts and groans floated out into the empty hall and stabbed your eardrums until you quickly clicked the lock and closed the door quietly behind you.

Of all the way you’d expected this day to go, this wasn’t one of them. Without a second thought, you pulled out your cell and clicked on Steve’s name. Still standing outside the door with your hand over your mouth, you squeezed your eyes closed as the ringtone he’d picked for you so many years ago carried through the very door you had your body pressed against.

Tears clouded your vision as you rushed away from the door with Steve’s chipper voicemail message flowing into your ear. Stepping into the elevator, you hung up your phone and willed yourself to calm down.

The air around you was so thick that it felt as though it was reaching into your body and pulling the air directly from your lungs. Your chest was raked with unsung sobs while your mind raced, recalling the last time you’d seen Steve before that. He was torn and broken, a shell of the person that you had come to care for dearly.

With far too many emotions and thoughts racing through your mind, you all but ran to the entrance once the elevator doors finally opened again, inviting you back to the lobby. You were so unfocused that you hadn’t noticed the man walking in until you crashed right into his chest.

“Whoa!” He exclaimed, holding your elbows to look you over, “where’s the fire, darlin’?”

“I’m sorry,” you answered, trying your best to put on your ‘I wasn’t just crying’ face, “I was just looking for Tony Stark but he doesn’t seem to be here and I'm on a tight schedule, so if you'll excuse me.” You lied through your teeth at the stranger, wanting nothing more than to get the hell out of there.

“May I ask why you were looking for me?” The tall man quirked a brow at you and suddenly you felt his confident presence with full force, “you wouldn’t happen to be Y/N, would you?”

“Uh,” your eyes darted everywhere but at the figure before you as you tried to wash away the images that were starting to burn into your mind, “yeah - yes, that’s me. Listen, Mr. Stark, I really do have to go but is it possible for you to email me the contract? I can print it out and bring it back when it’s signed.”

“Don’t let me hold you up, Y/N.” Tony stepped out of your way and gestured for the door, “I’ll send your contract at my earliest convenience, enjoy your day.”

“Bucky,” you breathed into your phone as you stomped down the sidewalk away from the building that currently held the most uncomfortable and awkward moments of your life.

“That was fast,” Bucky chuckled, blissfully unaware of what you’d just gone through, “how’d it go?”

“Can we meet somewhere?” You blurted out, feeling the panic grabbing hold of your vocal chords.

“Yeah, I-I’m at Tes’ restaurant,” you could hear the concern in his voice but knowing his location made you pick up your pace until you were nearly panting into the receiver. “Where are you, babe? What’s wrong?”

“I’m on my way and I promise, I’ll tell you when I get there.”

“Okay, be safe.”

Just as you rounded the corner of the block that Tesla’s restaurant sat in the middle of, the cell phone you’d been white-knuckling since Bucky hung up started to vibrate. Looking down, you saw that it was Steve returning your call. You deliberated as you walked, hovering your thumb over the screen. Flashbacks of him with Natasha played over and over behind your eyelids, making the decision for you.

[One missed call: Beefcake]

Tags are CLOSED

@bovaria @bionic-buckyb @sebbytrash @marvel-ash @huffleypuffelycas @obi-wan-my-only-ho @sincerelysaraahh @alyssiamking @hellomissmabel @sexyvixen7 @smexy-bucky-waifu @wonderless-screwup @purgatoan @myluvislikewow @desextiel @thenewmrsweasley @goblinqueen95 @whoopxd @bucky2-0 @evangelineimagine @namiheart @holydeanmon @alexx-in-wonderland123 @ladylizzieofdarbyshire @my-blackbird-universe @nicmob @thirstybitchqueen @feelmyroarrrr @mellifluous-melodramas @andhiseyesweregreen

[regionalstorms-blog]

self care

self care stuff self-care masterpost: http://aph-russia.tumblr.com/HAPPY http://thefudanshiotaku.tumblr.com/post/130698471507/yeahdaddypearl-zixxie-distract-yourself-some for when you're feeling suicidal: http://becausewecandothistogether.tumblr.com/suicidal http://www.crisischat.org/chat/ after a lapse: http://internal-acceptance-movement.tumblr.com/post/54209755472 (scar excuses) http://youtu.be/7nIpeMfwfWk make everything okay button: http://make-everything-ok.com a little pick me up: http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html having an anxiety attack? http://www.relaxonline.me.uk/sa1/index.html talk to someone: http://www.7cupsoftea.com/ chat rooms: http://betterthandarkchocolate.tumblr.com/chat cute stuff!! http://self-care-kit.tumblr.com/tagged/cute cut the screen, not your skin (TW: blood): http://www.fataltotheflesh.com/ (random things) watch any cartoon: kisscartoon.com kissanime.com (same thing; anime) Alternatives for when you’re feeling angry or restless: Scribble on photos of people in magazines Viciously stab an orange Throw an apple/pair of socks against the wall Have a pillow fight with the wall Scream very loudly Tear apart newspapers, photos, or magazines Go to the gym, dance, exercise Listen to music and sing along loudly Draw a picture of what is making you angry Beat up a stuffed bear Pop bubble wrap Pop balloons Splatter paint Scribble on a piece of paper until the whole page is black Filling a piece of paper with drawing cross hatches Throw darts at a dartboard Go for a run Write your feelings on paper then rip it up Use stress relievers Build a fort of pillows and then destroy it Throw ice cubes at the bathtub wall, at a tree, etc Get out a fine tooth comb and vigorously brush the fur of a stuffed animal (but use gentle vigor) Slash an empty plastic soda bottle or a piece of heavy cardboard or an old shirt or sock Make a soft cloth doll to represent the things you are angry at; cut and tear it instead of yourself Flatten aluminium cans for recycling, seeing how fast you can go On a sketch or photo of yourself, mark in red ink what you want to do. Cut and tear the picture Break sticks Cut up fruits Make yourself as comfortable as possible Stomp around in heavy shoes Play handball or tennis Yell at what you are breaking and tell it why you are angry, hurt, upset, etc. Buy a cheap plate and decorate it with markers, stickers, cut outs from magazines, words, images, what ever that expresses your pain and sadness and when you’re done, smash it. (Please be careful when doing this) The Calm Jar (Fill a mason jar or similar with colored water and glitter. When feeling upset or angry you can shake it to disturb the glitter and focus on that until the glitter settles.) Blow up a balloon and pop it Alternatives that will give you a sensation (other than pain) without harming yourself: Hold ice in your hands, against your arm, or in your mouth Run your hands under freezing cold water Snap a rubber band or hair band against your wrist Clap your hands until it stings Wax your legs Drink freezing cold water Splash your face with cold water Put PVA/Elmer’s glue on your hands then peel it off Massage where you want to hurt yourself Take a hot shower/bath Jump up and down to get some sensation in your feet Write or paint on yourself Arm wrestle with a member of your family Take a cold bath Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of ginger root Rub liniment under your nose Put tiger balm on the places you want to cut. (Tiger balm is a muscle relaxant cream that induces a tingly sensation. You can find it in most health food stores and vitamin stores.) Alternatives that will distract you or take up time: Say “I’ll self harm in fifteen minutes if I still want to” and keep going for periods of fifteen minutes until the urge fades Color your hair Count up to ten getting louder until you are screaming Sing on the karaoke machine Complete something you’ve been putting off Take up a new hobby Make a cup of tea Tell and laugh at jokes Play solitaire Count up to 500 or 1000 Surf the net Make as many words out of your full name as possible Count ceiling tiles or lights Search ridiculous things on the web Colour coordinate your wardrobe Play with toys, such as a slinky Go to the park and play on the swings Call up an old friend Go “people watching” Carry safe, rather than sharp, things in your pockets Do school work Play a musical instrument Watch TV or a movie Paint your nails Alphabetize your CDs or books Cook Make origami to occupy your hands Doodle on sheets of paper Dress up or try on old clothes Play computer games or painting programs, such as photoshop Write out lyrics to your favorite song Play a sport Read a book/magazine Do a crossword Draw a comic strip Make a chain link out of paper counting the hours or days you’ve been self harm free using pretty colored paper Knit, sew, or make a necklace Make ‘scoobies’ - braid pieces of plastic or lace, to keep your hands busy Buy a plant and take care of it Hunt for things on eBay or Amazon Browse the forums Go shopping Memorize a poem with meaning Learn to swear in another language Look up words in a dictionary Play hide-and-seek with your siblings Go outside and watch the clouds roll by Plan a party Find out if any concerts will be in your area Make your own dance routine Trace your hand on a piece of paper; on your thumb, write something you like to look at; on your index finger, write something you like to touch; on your middle finger, write your favorite scent; on your ring finger, write something you like the taste of; on your pinky finger, write something you like to listen to; on your palm, write something you like about yourself Plan regular activities for your most difficult time of day Finish homework before it’s due Take a break from mental processing Notice black and white thinking Get out on your own, get away from the stress Go on YouTube Make a scrapbook Colour in a picture or colouring book. Make a phone list of people you can call for support. Allow yourself to use it. Pay attention to your breathing (breath slowly, in through your nose and out through your mouth) Pay attention to the rhythmic motions of your body (walking, stretching, etc.) Learn HALT signals (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) Choose a random object, like a paper clip, and try to list 30 different uses for it Pick a subject and research it on the web - alternatively, pick something to research and then keep clicking on links, trying to get as far away from the original topic as you can. Take a small step towards a goal you have. Re-organize your room Name all of your soft toys Play the A-Z game (Pick a category ie. Animals, and think of an animal for every letter of the alphabet Have a lush warm bubble bath with candles! Do some knitting Do some house hold chores Alternatives that are completely bizarre. At the least, you’ll have a laugh: Crawl on all fours and bark like a dog or another animal Run around outside screaming Laugh for no reason whatsoever Make funny faces in a mirror Without turning orange, self tan Pluck your eyebrows Put faces on apples, oranges, or other sorts of food Go to the zoo and name all of the animals Color on the walls Blow bubbles Pull weeds in the garden Alternatives for when you’re feeling guilty, sad, or lonely: Congratulate yourself on each minute you go without self harming Draw or paint Look at the sky Instead of punishing yourself by self harming, punish yourself by not self harming Call a friend and ask for company Buy a cuddly toy Give someone a hug with a smile Put a face mask on Watch a favorite TV show or movie Eat something ridiculously sweet Remember a happy moment and relive it for a while in your head Treat yourself to some chocolate Try to imagine the future and plan things you want to do Look at things that are special to you Compliment someone else Make sculptures Watch fish Youtube funny videos! Let yourself cry Play with a pet Have or give a massage Imagine yourself living in a perfect home and describe it in your mind If you’re religious, read the bible or pray Light a candle and watch the flame (but please be careful) Go chat in the chat room Allow yourself to cry; crying is a healthy release of emotion Accept a gift from a friend Carry tokens to remind you of peaceful comforting things/people Take a hot bath with bath oil or bubbles Curl up under a comforter with hot cocoa and a good book Make affirmation tapes inside you that are good, kind, gentle (Sometimes you can do this by writing down the negative thoughts and then physically re-writing them into positive messages) Make a tray of special treats and tuck yourself into bed with it and watch TV or read Write words in the sand for them to be washed away Alternatives for when you’re feeling panicky or scared: “See, hear and feel”-5 things, then 4, then 3 and countdown to one which will make you focus on your surroundings and will calm you down Listen to soothing music; have a CD with motivational songs that you can listen to Meditate or do yoga Name all of your soft toys Hug a pillow or soft toy Hyper focus on something Do a “reality check list” – write down all the things you can list about where you are now (e.g. It is the 9th November 2004, I’m a room and everything is going to be alright) With permission, give someone a hug Drink herbal tea Crunch ice Hug a tree Go for a walk if it’s safe to do so Feel your pulse to prove you’re alive Go outside and attempt to catch butterflies or lizards Put your feet firmly on the floor Accept where you are in the process. Beating yourself up, only makes it worse Touch something familiar/safeLeave the room Lay on your back in bed comfortably (eyes closed), and breathe in for 4, hold for 2, out for 4, hold for 2. Make sure to fill your belly up with air, not your chest. If your shoulders are going up, keep working on it. When you’re comfortable breathing, put your hand on your belly and rub up and down in time with your breathing. If your mind wanders to other things, move it back to focusing ONLY on the synchronized movement of your hand and breathing. Give yourself permission to…. (Keep it safe) Create a safe place for yourself and take yourself there Lay on the grass and watch the clouds. You can try to make pictures with them too. Light a candle and watch the flame Alternatives that will hopefully make you think twice about harming yourself: Think about how you don’t want scars Treat yourself nicely Remember that you don’t have to hurt yourself just because you’re thinking about self harm Create a safe place to go Acknowledge that self harm is harmful behavior: say “I want to hurt myself” rather than “I want to cut” Repeat to yourself “I don’t deserve to be hurt” even if you don’t believe it Remember that you always have the choice not to cut: it’s up to you what you do Think about how you may feel guilty after self harming Remind yourself that the urge to self harm is impulsive: you will only feel like cutting for short bursts of time Avoid temptation Get your friends to make you friendship bracelets: wear them around your wrists to remind you of them when you want to cut Be with other people Make your own list of things to do instead of self harm Make a list of your positive character traits Be nice to your family, who in return, will hopefully be nice to you Put a band-aid on the area where you’d like to self harm Recognize and acknowledge the choices you have NOW Pay attention to the changes needed to make you feel safe Notice “choices” versus “dilemmas” Lose the “should-could-have to” words. Try… “What if” Kiss the places you want toSHor kiss the places you have healing wounds. It can be a reminder that you care about myself and that you don’t want this Choose your way of thinking, try to resist following old thinking patterns The Butterfly project- draw a butterfly on the place(s) that you would self harm and if the butterfly fades without self-harming, it means it has lived and flown away, giving a sense of achievement. Whereas if you do self-harm with the butterfly there; you will have to wash it off. If that does happen, you can start again by drawing a new one on. You can name the butterfly after someone you love. Write the name of a loved one [a friend, family member, or anyone else who cares about you] and write their name where you want to self harm. When you go to self harm remember how much they care and wouldn’t want you to harm yourself. think about what you would say to a friend who was struggling with the same things you are and try to be a good friend to yourself. Make a bracelet out duct tape, and put a line on it every day (Or any period of time) you go without self harm. When it’s full of lines, take it off and make a chain out of all the bracelets and hang it up somewhere where you can be reminded of your great progress. Alternatives that give the illusion of seeing something similar to blood: Draw on yourself with a red pen or body paint, or go to a site such as this, where you ‘cut’ the screen (be aware that some users may find this triggering, so view with caution) Cover yourself with plasters where you want to cut Give yourself a henna or fake tattoo Make “wounds” with makeup, like lipstick Take a small bottle of liquid red food coloring and warm it slightly by dropping it into a cup of hot water for a few minutes. Uncap the bottle and press its tip against the place you want to cut. Draw the bottle in a cutting motion while squeezing it slightly to let the food color trickle out. Draw on the areas you want to cut using ice that you’ve made by dropping six or seven drops of red food color into each of the ice-cube tray wells. Paint yourself with red tempera paint. ‘Cut’ your skin with nail polish (it feels cold, but it’s hard to get off) Use red food colouring on your skin Alternatives to help you sort through your feelings: Phone a friend and talk to them Make a collage of how you feel Negotiate with yourself Identify what is hurting so bad that you need to express it in this way Write your feelings in a diary Free write (Write down whatever you’re thinking at that moment, even if it doesn’t make sense) Make lists of everything such as blessings in your life Make a notebook of song lyrics that you relate to Call ahotline Write a letter to someone telling them how you feel (but you don’t have to send it if you decide not to) Start a grateful journal where everyday you write down three: good things that happened/ things that you accomplished/ are grateful for/ made you smile. Make sure the journal is strictly for positive things. Then when you feel down you can go back and look at it. Alternatives to make you feel a sense of reality: try slapping countertops getting fresh air going to a bookstore or a music store and just getting lost in it take selfies play guitar, feel the strings under your fingers I think I am, therefore I am Read a book, get lost in the unreality of that, and then remember your reality Talking to someone, asking for reassurance a run or walk (especially through a ‘pretty place’) use one of the ‘sensation’ alternatives