#Was too scared to finish peeing either and just fled the scene. first time something did the OPPOSITE of scare piss out of me but kept it.

[abbinurmel]

There's a giant flying roach in my apartment...

It's no more obvious to anyone besides me how utterly stupid and unfair it is to have a lifelong crippling phobia of an innocent harmless tiny creature, one that can't even sting me, that doesn't even affect my paranoia when I see it in photos or anywhere outdoors, a creature that I know has a benign purpose and even if it wasn't benign it had never asked to be put in this position...I KNOW it lacks any sense of how it bothers me(unlike spider crickets which DO deliberately jump at me to fuck with me because that's their actual instinct)- I do not even have the concern some do regarding germs or home infestation because I know those flying giant ones rarely infest and that cockroaches in fact HATE to be dirty and constantly wipe themselves with oils and their legs to groom. I follow Bogleech religiously for over a decade among dozens of other insect blogs, some of my earliest childhood books I learned to ever read were coloring books about insects and arachnids, I managed to thru hypnotism cure SOME of my fears of spiders, Gregor Samsa is one of my favorite literary characters, and The Evil Midnight Bomber what Bombs at Midnight is one of my favorite animated ones....

And yet. And yet. And yet.

...Even just spotting a stupid perfectly accurate TOY of them is sometimes enough to make me pee myself in terror. And now there is one, a giant one. Flying. In this house. Say that again Skinarmarink style. In this fucking house. It is now two days since he has arrived here...I thought he would mercifully just leave, so I would not have to resort to needless fear and cruelty. Please little one please just go. I know you don't likely need to be here. Why don't you just stay somewhere nice and dark and undisturbed like under the couch. I can pretend you never existed down there and there's dirt and crumbs for you aplenty. You could live on in my dad's recycling pails or maybe feed on dog poop if you just leave thru the back pet door. Please. Please I beg of you please just make this easy for us both.

...I am in a few months turning 37 years old.

Why does it have to be here sitting between walls. Why does having a barrier of wood and plaster suddenly transform this insignificant insect into a monster that is literally the stupidest fucking thing. Just why brain, how are you this dumb. Smug little asshole, what do you think this is, the film Mouse Hunt?? I got insomnia enough as it is what with that awful husky deciding he wants walks and socialization but ONLY after 11Pm every night. Look at him- no no don't look at him, ....doing its little roach business in between FOUR WALLS. The NERVE. THE FUCKING NERVE OF THAT GUY. FLYING AROUND BETWEEN MY PRECIOUS *WALLS*, MY INSULATION BARRIER FROM THE CRUEL OUTER WORLD OF MAN. I am trapped in my upstairs room and cannot go pee, or go downstairs to feed my dog, without peeking into the hall like a goddamn Jason Voorhees is lurking out there. I cannot use Raid here because we don't have any, and I don't have a broom or a book heavy enough to squash it and I feel sorry for it regardless, and the only way I can get by is if I manage to work up Courage the Cowardly Dog levels of reluctant trembling terrified 'bravery' to spray 'Dog Pee Smell Be Gone' mist at it if I become close enough to dare. I legit avoided using the steps because I was afraid I legit might fall backwards and break my neck if it flew toward me up here. I put pillows in front of my bedroom door to prevent him sneaking under the door crack but there is nothing I can do to seal the side edges of the door, which mock me with the hallway light, at 1:30am. Every clink the AC unit suddenly makes or every scratch of my husky dogs toenails across the wooden floor late at night now makes me jump like a gunshot. I am truly the lamest most pathetically useless fool of a coward, in the lamest horror movie plot ever written.

This is the most goddamn pointless, stupid, stupid stupid STUPID phobia ever made, and I do not recommend it, 0 stars.